Dear Princess Celestia,
First off, I wanted to apologize, I know that it has been quite some time since my last friendship report. Two months, one week, three days and some hours to be precise. And even then, the last report really didn't have that much to say. However, today myself and the girls all learned what has probably been the most important lesson to date that I can think of.
As you're probably aware, Applejack's grandmother, Granny Smith, has been getting on in years for some time now. Well, she passed away today. We were all at the hospital with Applejack, and were in the room with her when Granny passed. It was the first time I had ever seen death up close, and I don't think any amount of research could have ever prepared me for this moment. Yet in this moment of loss, our friendship was made that much stronger as we all came together to mourn the loss and comfort Applejack. All of Ponyville came by to visit and give their best wishes to Applejack, and it seems that even in the face of death, everypony still came together. Death is not something that a pony should fear. At first glance, death is something everypony fears, but with your friends by your side anypony can weather the emotions it brings.
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle
"Spike!" The lavender unicorn belted out, exhaustion underlying her voice. She had been up since the early morning when news of Granny had reached her ears. She had quickly rushed around town and gathered all of her friends together and met with Applejack at the hospital. Sadly, even with all of the power available to Twilight, she had been just as helpless as everyone else and was forced to simply wait out the end. It took a toll on her and everyone else present, yet had brought about a bittersweet surprise, which had led to her latest friendship report to her mentor Princess Celestia. "I've got a scroll for you to send to the Princess!"
Spike peeked out from behind a bookshelf where he had been mindlessly cataloguing some stray books. "Really Twi? Hand it over I suppose." He had also been hit hard with the loss of Granny, having to learn what death entailed while still considered a baby of his kind, and Twilight hadn't helped in that regard either, as she still viewed him as such. Spike took the scroll from the grasp of Twilight's magic and let out a billowing green flame that burned the scroll to ashes, which then drifted along an invisible breeze out the window, zooming towards the direction of Canterlot.
With the scroll sent, Twilight thoughtlessly used her magic to aid Spike in filing away the last of the misplaced books before making her way to the kitchen where her half eaten dinner still lay. Getting a glass of water and cleaning up, she made her way up the stairs to her balcony to drown herself in the stars. Astronomy was one of the few things that she could spend hours on, forgetting about everything else around her. She had found herself catching the sun rise in the morning due to it.
An indeterminable amount of time later, Spike interrupted her, tapping her side with a scroll. "Princess Celestia spent a reply back Twi, here you go. I'm going to sleep now." With that, he walked back inside and out of the warm summer air, closing the door behind him. Encasing the scroll in her magic, giving it and her horn a magenta outline, she unfurled it and began to read.
Twilight Sparkle
It was with a heavy heart that I read your report. Death is, sadly, something that most must deal with and come to terms with on multiple occasions throughout their life. As I can assure you from experience, and I am sure that Luna can back me up here as well, that is something that only time can help with. However, I am truly glad to see that you have already come to understand the positive side to such a negative aspect.
When I first sent you off to Ponyville all those years ago to study the Magic of Friendship, you had such a long way to go. However, with each and every friendship report you sent, you proved that you were learning more and more about what makes life so important. I was unsure as to when this time would come, but you have exceeded my wildest expectations yet again Twilight.
Your studies under me into the Magic of Friendship can go no further Twilight, as you have shown me that you have finally completed them. I am, as always, most proud of your accomplishments and the friends that you have made in such a short time. I invite you to come to Canterlot this next Friday, not as my student, but as my friend so that we may celebrate this occasion.
Your Mentor Friend
Princess Celestia
Twilight read the letter for a second time, and then a third. By the time she let the piece of paper fall out of her sight, she had read it at least a dozen times. She numbly made her way to her bed, for once something could indeed wait until the next day. Laying down, she closed her eyes and let the darkness take her consciousness away.
Twilight opened her eyes and found herself in a dark abyss. Guiding magic through her horn a magenta aura came into existence, lighting up her immediate surroundings, yet no shadows were formed from the radiance. A single whisper was carried through the darkness, its words unable to be understood, with the faintest echo of a voice behind it.
In the far distance a lone, very dim light came into being. It was soon joined by another, and another, and soon the vast expanse was lit up like Ponyville during New Hearth’s Eve. Another whisper was carried upon an invisible breeze, this one gently reaching Twilight. The meaning was unable to be made out, yet it carried with it a feeling that warmed the young mare to her core. The field of lights moved closer, and Twilight noticed that they appeared to be contained within a field or veil of some sort.
“Twilight...” Another whisper sounded out, tickling Twilight’s ears. It sounded just like a mare that she knew, one of her closest friends, dear to her heart. Her voice rang out again, somewhat stronger, and Twilight felt it permeate to her very soul, calling out to her.
“Luna.” The single word escaped Twilight’s lips, and the mare in question phased into being, the lights proving to be stars contained within her mane. Oh, how Twilight had dreamed about this moment, wanted it with all her might. She walked up to the object of her affection, the younger sister who had stolen her heart over a year ago, although she had yet to act upon her feelings.
“Twilight.” Luna spoke with more power behind her voice, and Twilight shivered from the intensity of it. The lunar mare walked up to her and nuzzled her cheek in a more personal manner than she had ever done before during their time spent together, then drew her head back to look into Twilight’s eyes. She swore she saw the cosmos themselves reflected off Luna’s beautiful turquoise eyes. She moved her mouth closer and closer to Luna’s, inching ever forward, daring to land that first kiss.
As their lips connected, Twilight felt power running through her, her thoughts surging high and out of control. She felt emotions that she had never knew existed, wasn’t aware of until that moment. After a few seconds, she stared directly into those eyes that oh so captivated her. She felt herself simply drowning in them, as Luna began to call her name... “Twilight... Twilight... Twi...”
"-light, Twi, letter from Princess Luna for -”
“What, Luna?” Twilight blurted out, broken from her reverie by Spike’s gentle prodding of her side and his voice.
“Yes, Princess Luna sent you a scroll Twi. Once you’re ready, breakfast is downstairs.” Spike replied, rolling his eyes as he walked out of the room.
Blinking the drowsiness from her eyes as the rays of Celestia's sun shone down upon her flank, her eyes settled upon a scroll sealed with a midnight blue ribbon, the same color as Luna's coat. Inwardly smiling at the memories of her dream and slightly blushing at the same time, she wondered what Luna had sent to her. Focusing on her magic she gently unfurled the scroll and began to read.
Twilight,
Celestia has told me the news of your graduation from under her tutelage! I want to congratulate you on this accomplishment, and I plan on moving up my visit to tonight so that we can celebrate it. I’ll be down at the normal time, and we can focus on the Milky Neigh Galaxy in the sky. I also have something that I want to ask you tonight as well.
With Warm Regards,
Luna
Twilight put down Luna’s letter and inwardly jumped for joy, as it was entirely way too early to actually jump. She always enjoyed the monthly visits with Luna, set up after her second Nightmare Night in Ponyville, and revelled in the time they spent stargazing and discussing magical theorems, topics that they both held great interest in.
Smells wafted their way up to her room, coffee and a hint of toast reaching her nose. Spike always knew exactly what she wanted in the mornings; she was most thankful for his assistance over all these years. Making her way downstairs to the kitchen, she smiled as she took in the sight of him piling some toast on a plate alongside some daisies and apples. Using her magic, she filled up a mug with some coffee and sat down at the table to begin breakfast.
“So Twi, what did the Princesses send you?” Spike sat down next to Twilight with a few gems for his breakfast. “Thanks for not waking me up to send a reply. Yesterday was... a lot to take in.”
“Well, the letter from Celestia said that I was -” Twilight was interrupted by the front door to the library swinging wide open, a certain bouncy mare rushing inside in its wake.
“Congratulations Twi! I had a twitch and a sniffle and just knew something good had happened! So I came over here as fast and speedy as possible to say hi and that I’m throwing you a Twi is no longer a student but a friend of the Princess party!” The bouncy pink mare was literally all over the library, while Twilight had set her coffee down onto the table to hopefully preserve it from the unexplained phenomenon that was Pinkie Pie. “Oh, I gotta go get invites sent out and baking done! See you here in two hours Twi, don’t be late!” And just as quickly as Pinkie had come, she had gone.
“Pinkie.” Was the only word that managed to come to Twilight’s lips. With a sigh, she picked back up her coffee and noticed that during Pinkie’s brief yet energetic visit that she had managed to sneak a cupcake onto the table.
“Um, Twi, I know Pinkie is Pinkie and all, but what was that about?”
“Well, as I was saying, the Princess’ letter stated that I had learned all that I could under her tutelage, and that I have basically graduated. She invited me to Canterlot this next weekend to celebrate with her as a friend. You’ll have to look after the library while I’m gone. And oh, Luna said she’s coming down tonight for the stargazing, plus she wants to talk about something.” Twilight finished off her coffee and the cupcake, then made her way out of the kitchen with a giant grin on her face.
She decided to go ahead and reply to both of the Princesses, quickly penning two letters. To Celestia, she admitted just how astonished she was to no longer be learning under her guidance, as it was all that she had known for countless years, and she also informed her that she would be taking the train from Ponyville to Canterlot next Friday. Her letter to Luna informed the Princess of the Night that she would be looking forward to tonight, and that she was most curious as to what Luna had to ask of her. Satisfied with her scrolls, she set them down on the table.
“Spike! I’ve got two scrolls for you to send, one to each princess! I’m going to open up the library now.” With her message to Spike delivered, she set about the daily ritual required to open the library for business.
Much as she had expected, no patrons came by this morning. While on a typical day at the library Twilight would see the occasional visitor in search of a novel, guide, or educational material, with the passing of Granny, the town would surely still be in mourning. The only ponies she expected to see today were the girls in an hour or so, as no one could say no to a Pinkie Pie party. Thinking about Applejack, Twilight really hoped that this party would help take her friend’s mind off of her grief for the day.
The next hour passed quickly for Twilight, as she had taken one of her many texts on magical theories, this specific one dealing with the combining of astronomy and magic, and laid down in the back of the library to read. A knock caused her to set the book down and make her way to the door, which upon opening revealed all of her friends gathered upon the doorstep.
A quick hustle, a bustle, and one cannon that continued to defy all physical laws later, they were ready to spend some time together. The six mares all got comfortable in Twilight’s room, pillows and blankets strewn about as well as a table overflowing with confectionary delights courtesy of Pinkie.
“Now Twilight, darling, do tell us what was the cause of this party? Pinkie swore up and down that she couldn’t tell, but it was something big.” Rarity inquired, genuinely intrigued as to why they were all gathered at the library. Applejack lifted her head up from whatever thoughts she had and the other girls all put the spotlight on Twilight.
"Well, last night after everything that had happened Rarity, I realized something important. It had been awhile since my last friendship report, and yesterday taught me something really important. So, I wrote up my first friendship report to the Princess for the first time in over two months, and received a reply rather quickly, which is quite rare. She informed me about how proud she has been of my studies, and it was finally time. She asked me not to call her a mentor anymore, but a friend. Girls, I've basically graduated! I still can't believe it though, I've spent well over ten years being her student; I honestly didn't think this day would ever come."
Pinkie let out a large gasp at the word graduated, and she punctuated the end of Twilight's words with another blast of her party cannon, somehow making a chocolate cake with the words 'Congratulations on Graduating!' written on it in vanilla icing appear. "Pinkie, how did you even... Nevermind." Twilight let up. Pinkie was the one anomaly that an explanation would forever be out of reach for. Applejack pulled out the barrel of cider that she had somehow snuck in, and passed out drinks for all as they cut up the cake.
Once everyone had their cake and cider, except Pinkie, who had somehow figured out how to have her cake and eat it too, the girls all sat down in a circle to begin their recount of the past week or so, as they still kept to their weekly picnics out on the hill just outside the town. The conversations started out rather mundane, but as the cider started flowing, the lips became much looser.
"So, Twilight, I gotta ask. You got yer special somepony yet?" Applejack queried as she was snuggled up into Rarity's side, who was quietly giggling from time to time at something only she knew.
"Err, ummm- No Applejack!" Twilight stammered out, and not because of the cider. She had read plenty of novels and had some fantasies, but she hadn't really found anyone yet. She and Dash had tried for a little bit, but the brash pegasus was just too much for her, and they parted on friendly terms. Dash was just too much of a one mare show for her.
"Aw silly willy nilly, you should definitely find somepony Twi! It's no fun if you just sit in the library all day buried in your books! Besides, if you find your special somepony, it means I get to throw a lot more parties, and everyone loves parties!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, quite literally, as an exclamation mark somehow found its way over her head briefly.
"Y-Yeah Twilight... It is really nice having somepony to be close to, you should try to find one, if you don't mind that is..." Fluttershy spoke up, actually audible, as she had long since gotten over her shyness around her friends. For some reason she still had the habit of over apologizing though and not wanting to impede upon others. She quickly gave Pinkie a peck on the cheek and moved that much closer to the pink mare.
"Psh Twilight, you know you don't need to go finding anypony. 'Sides, you're always too busy in those books of yours to even have a crush, let alone carry a relationship." Dash accentuated her words with a friendly hoofpunch to Twilight's upper shoulder and chuckled.
"I-I am not Dash! I have a..." Twilight stuttered out, blushing slightly at both Dash's implications and her attempt at refuting them. Rarity took notice of Twilight's trailing off and jumped in before anyone else had a chance to.
"What was that dear? Does our Twilight have a crush on somepony? Oh please, do tell! We promise that no one will dare say a word about it outside of the library. Pinkie Promise, even!"
"What Rarity? I do not have a crush on anypony! I was saying that Luna is going to be coming sometime this evening! Yeah, that is what I was going to say!" Twilight tried deflecting the fashionista's inquiry, but Rarity's typical persistence combined with her intake of cider caused a strange relentlessness in her pursuit.
"Oh dear, you don't say? Your crush is Luna? My, wouldn't that be something! Former student of one sister, and special somepony with the other! Oh, the potential doors that could open for a mare in that position!" As Rarity talked, Twilight began to blush so hard her face turned from lavender to crimson and thoughts began to creep into her mind.
"T-That's ridiculous Rarity! I do NOT have a crush on Luna, she's just a really good friend!" At this point the other four mares were listening intently, not wanting to disrupt what was proving to be a very entertaining discussion. It wasn't the first time Rarity had gone down this path with Twilight, but it seemed to them that she was right this time.
"Oh nonsense, besides, it's such a romantic notion, dear! Stargazing with your lover under the full moon that she controls, that orb reflected in her eyes as you gaze oh-so-closely into them. You find yourself captured by the eyes of the mare you so adore, moving in ever closer, eyes locked, lips moving. And then they lock together and your world just explodes from your partner's taste as you simply linger there for what feels like an eternity! Oh, it is the most exquisite thing ever! After that, you pull back and utter three simple words, 'I Love Y-"
"RARITY! That's enough!" Twilight was nearly crimson through and through, and the other four girls were rather occupied on their backs laughing at Twilight's expense. "I AM NOT- Am Not... HORSEAPPLES!" Now that it had been shoved in her face, she realized that she did indeed have some feelings for Luna, somewhat reminiscent of what she had once felt for Dash, but stronger. Twilight let out a long sigh as the crimson slowly drained from her body until it was only present in her face.
"Hun, that is quite enough teasin' of Twi. Now stop it before I have to tie you up and gag ya sugarcube, and I don't mean in the bedroom either." Rarity let out a massive blush while the others' jaws dropped near to the floor in revelation of this fact.
"So, maybe I do have feelings for her, so what?" Twilight finally muttered in the tiniest voice she could manage. However, all the girls had gone deathly silent when Twilight had her outburst as well as the admission that Rarity was tied up during her special time with Applejack, and so all five of them caught her confession. Twilight nursed her cider as the girls looked at her one by one.
"That's great Twilight! It's nice to know that even a hopeless egghead like you can still find the time to crush on somepony. You should totally tell her, but, in a cool kind of way, you know. When is your next 'date' with the lovely Luna, Twi?" Dash broke the silence, teasing Twilight while still being somewhat serious.
"OH NO!" Twilight hopped to her hooves, nearly knocking over her cider. "She's coming in just a few hours, what do I do? So much to prepare for, I need to-" A hoof found it's way to Twilight's mouth silencing her. Twilight noticed Pinkie next to her, the pink pony’s face suddenly turning outrageously serious as she wrapped a hoof over Twilight's shoulder to whisper into her ear.
"So, here’s what you do Twi..."
~{B}~{O}~{W}~{T}~{N}~
I love me some Twiluna
☭The Ponyletariat☭
"Incomplete · Teen · Sex"
wat
Auto fave but have to read later (I love most Luna stories)
Twiluna? Instant like
Very nice. Wasn't expecting the Fluttershy x Pinkie Pie, but kinda was expecting the Rarijack, just not the kink. I look forward to this Twiluna journey.
1807268 The sex tag is to indicate it may possibly go mature in the future. Tis just a forewarning.
1807262>>1807314>>1807285
I hope that it is to your enjoyment, it was a learning experience and rather fun writing this up over the last few days.
1807268
At this point, I don't have any plans for explicit sex, just implied at a later date in the story. However if I choose to take it to the 'edge' of what Teen qualifies as, I wanted to have a warning in place from the start just in case.
1807455
It was actually somewhat of a last minute call, mostly due to the request of one of my editors. I was looking to give them some background info without info dumping on you all, and it just kinda fit with the topic being discussed in the scene. The kink itself I actually got the idea from Four of Two, and it made for a rather comical method to silence a rather drunk Rarity in a most comical way. I hope that you enjoyed this first chapter, more will be on the way in a somewhat timely manner, so long as I actually write it in order! (I've got ~250 words of the next chapter done, but ~3,500 words of a later, much later chapter done. Kind of go where my mind takes me). I hope that I manage to deliver!
1807629
I am so okay with this.
1807677
Well it totally worked, didn't feel info dumpy at all. As for time, take all the time in the world. I don't think you can get less timely than Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying. (which is an amazing Twiluna btw)
1807677 So this was the story you said you were working on! Faved and liked sir!
1807790
Yeah, I thoroughly avoided info dumping and doing things such as exposing you readers to a thousand word prose describing six mares and a dragon that you should already know. : ) If I have to, I might, but there will be plenty of warning in advance that an info dump be over in yonder waters.
And yes, I have read that, even recently talked with the author. While his progress is slow, that story it so worth it. I felt kind of bad for blasting him for how its currently hanging at the moment though. but yeah, TwiLuna and TwiLestia are by far my favorite pairings in the fanfiction, and was partly the reason of this story.
1807800
Yes indeed, and I hope you enjoy it! I will try to find some time tomorrow evening after writing to get a good long look @Lulamoon like I said I would by the way.
Hm. Commence read.
1807814
I do hope you enjoy, and am looking forward to any feedback you might have.
Looking foward to more
1807879
Thanks, I hope to deliver in a somewhat timely manner.
God it's too late for me to actually stand reading this...Ima mark it so I can read it tomorrow when I'm awake...
Because anything peppy endorses MUST give me my sadomasochism quota for that day
1807888
I'm afraid that there is not much sadomasochism involved behind this story (I take a much lighter approach to tales than good ole Peppy does), however he was most kind to help bring about my simple idea and build it up, and I hope that you enjoy it once you get the chance to read it through.
Good start... this story has potential.
Yes... Let us see what happens next!
Twiluna for the win
Also,"special time with applejack- I lol'd.
great first chapter!
I love where this is going but I am a bit annoyed how twilight revealed her crush so early I just wish she didn't tell them so it will build up suspense until she tells them or they find out
But good never the less
1807818 Hm...
This line. I'm not sure why, but it feels off. Could it possibly need an "and" or changed to something like Your Once Mentor and
New/Now/Continuing/Still Friend. The first two seem less likely, since I could see the possibility of them being friends during her time as a student.Seems like the other pairings are Pinkie/Fluttershy and some Applejack/Rarity. Will either be explored further or will it stay with the main pairing?
you sir, have won five moustaches
I would very much like to see more of your handiwork
1808292>>1809116>>1810154
Glad to hear that you all enjoyed this first bit, and hopefully the next chapter will be just as enjoyable.
1808400
Oh indeed, I am trying to approach the comedic aspects with a 'get it as it comes', and that opportunity was just too good to pass up. : )
1809147
Well, I am approaching this story with more of the 'post confession' than the build up to said confession, so that I may focus more on the challenges and such associated with the relationship that Twilight and Luna will have. Don't worry though, there will be some looking back on the foundation of it all, what led into their feelings for one another, but I felt that it would take too long and detract from what I wanted to focus on.
1809277
thanks for bringing that up to my attention, it was a formatting error that slipped through when I transferred the GDoc into Fim's upload. I now know that it doesn't like strikethroughs. As far as the pairings, it might be explored in snapshots here and there with interactions that occur, but the primary focus is indeed Twilight and Luna. No plans to focus solely on them at this time though.
1810749 Alrighty.
1810769 Are you a wizard
1811585 Sometimes...
I doth like this tale
Yaya there are simply not enough TwiLuna fics! Great choice mate! And, great story too! I like this very much and is this really your first story? If yes then... DAAYNUM!!!1! Keep that stuff up and goin'! I will definitely fav and like this.
~Starburst
1813268
We hopeth that thou enjoyeth this tale...
Hmm, and that is why you won't be seeing 'Old Equestrian' in this story! Truly glad to know that you are enjoying it, and I hope that as I continue moving it forward it continues to be good.
1814973
Indeed, there can never be enough of one of the best pairings in the fiction! Thank you very much for your words of praise, and yes, this is indeed the first one... that has seen the light of day at least. This is the... 4th story that I have actually put words to, the first two never really got past a prologue nor fell into MLP, and the third, well, once I develop this story more you might see it thrown up here. However, I don't think it'd be able to touch this one.
MORE TWILUNA
1816864
Lol, I'll be trying to cram plenty of it in this story, as the primary focus will be on their relationship!
Be careful with the Sex tag. I very nearly skipped this Story if not for the love of Twiluna but I wasnt expecting something of this good caliber and no rushed sex so maybe mature tag would be enough.
TwiLuna being my OTP I approve of this fully but I especially look forward to Stories who in some kind of way include the Mane 6 and their Reactions to the growing Relationship of Twilight and Luna for both Parties, be it Informative Supporting or Disagreeing and work that then out. That said a very solid start
1818419
Yeah, the 'Sex' tag is currently there because, well, I might get a pinch in depth at some point, it is still in the air where I will fall when looking at simply implicating on one end and outright full on clop on the other end. I would rather take the precaution and warn folks what might be on the road ahead, even if it is the reason for a few readers lost and some downvotes. I will be examining exactly what I plan to do for those situations over the next week or so, and depending on that I'll make my call. And yeah, I am avoiding the rushing aspect of the relationship, the focus I am going for is not the buildup that 99% of stories focus on, but rather the start, and then the slow wonderful development thereafter, which is typically where most fictions end in TwiLuna fics, which is kind of why I started this one. Oh look, author went rambling, sorry bout that.
And TwiLuna is indeed an all time favorite of mine, I enjoy the depth and openness of Luna, while Twilight, well, there is just so much to do with her. I plan to keep the Main 6 in this story, although they probably will not get as much screen time as some might be hoping for, they will be playing a pivotal role regardless. Hope the next chapter continues just as strongly, and thanks for the feedback!
Good story thus far. The characters all seem like themselves and their conversations pop with a great amount of humor. Even with the prospect of clop in the future, I'll track this .
1819620
Thanks for the words, it's been a rather interesting experience to be both writing as well as trying to keep characters to their near canon form. And glad you like the humor, again, another learning experience as to how much and where to put it in. : )
I've got to ask, as the last reply I typed out kinda hit on it, but is the Sex tag that much of a turn away for folks typically? Really just a precuationary thing, as this story is still rather infantile (Was only an idea 8? days ago now). You are the second person to make a comment to that end though.
1819625
Hey, no prob, I give compliments when compliments are due. As I said, the characters all give of a genuine vibe and seem to interact with each other much like they do in the show, which is always a great thing to stumble upon at 6:00 AM .
As for the "Sex" tag possibly warding readers away, sure, it might. But other readers might flock to it too. Really, what matters in the end is writing what you want to write, the readers be damned! It's your story, yo, don't let it get bogged down by worries that readers won't accept it. In the end, the only way to find out whether or not they'll like it is to write it and present it to them. If you're pleased with the end product, then that's what matters .
Have fun with it, yo .
1819649
Again, thanks. I know I have fun thanking other writers, I'll admit it is rather odd, although nice, to be on the receiving end for once! And luckily I have two talented editors to help me out with this process, so it goes a long way. I believe I spent an hour with just one of them with this first chapter, and that was at the end after they'd been looking at parts for a few days. : )
And thanks for that info, it's something I'll continue to keep in mind.
And I plan to, already up to about 2850 words in the new chap, hoping to have it ready for proofing tomorrow or so. It's been a blast writing this so far, and there should be plenty more humor in the future too. xD
1819743
Yeah, it's always fun to give authors constructive feedback . Even if I don't like something very much, I'll try to help when I can. But rest assured, I did indeed like what I read . Heck, if you ever need any more help on the editing battlefield, I'd be happy to give you my two cents and look at it. I can't edit my own work worth a damn, what with the "We Are Our Own Worst Editors" complex always gnawing at me and making me think, "Crap, I just edited it... now I'm editing it again. Why am I doing this to myself, it's 4:00 in the morning?!"
Good, I look forward to seeing what happens next, raunchy or not, and I'll be sure to tell ya what I think . Remember, have fun with it and you can't go wrong!
If this were a roleplaying game I'd have to accuse Pinkie Pie and Rarity of using out-of-character knowledge. Pinkie's realization feels too specific - recall how imprecise her "doozy" pinkie sense was. Knowing Twilight's news even before Twilight has finished telling Spike seems forced. I'd have an easier time believing Pinkie showed up because she knew something big was going to happen, and overheard Twilight tell Spike. Rarity immediately deduces that Twilight has a crush on Luna, seemingly with no prompting. She is no Fetlock Holmes and this does not seem to fit her character. I would have had her make several ridiculous guesses first, ending with Luna. Twilight's poorly concealed reaction (she probably ought to realize she has a crush on Luna already, as the way you've written her to that point implies she's aware) would be what tips off the group.
I guess that's just me being nitpicky. The story still works, I'm still interested to see what comes next, and there are neither ginormous grammar issues nor plot holes threatening to destroy your work.
criticism of the first chapter:
# everyone is a lesbian? meh... i can only accept that because of the 10 mares to 1 stallion ratio that the show got.
# just because you have to write a fanfic doesn't mean you have to use ALL the cliche that the show does.
# applejack didn't seem to down about her granny died yesterday.
# twilight already adressed in her dream that she had feelings for luna, why would twilight then later be 'surprised' about having some feelings for luna.
1838806
That's the joke. It's a common joke in MLP fics that Pinkie has Pinkie Senses for extremely specific and unlikely things. :)
Hey there, remember me, from the CV Brony chat?
I finally finished writing my chapter, and decided to head on over.
So far, I like what I see.
But, there are a few things that I saw, some are stylistic, and thus totally up to you, and some are mechanical. If you're interested in hearing them, and you've got a link to a Gdocs page, I'd totally be willing to share.
As for this chapter: Implied ShyPie! Interesting, I haven't seen that one much.
This is an awesome story dude!
Ok, so now I got this problem see. It's late kind of early morning before the sunshines thing.
I'm tired and yawning. But ponies. And a ship i haven't seen too much of.
Time to read. Problem solved.
Told you I'd read this eventually, so here it goes.
This is a ship that I'm kind of neutral on. I don't hate it, but I don't go looking for it either. I will say that I'm enjoy this so far, especially the little asides that you throw in. Your characterizations seem to work well, and I really enjoyed Applejack's rope comment. I'm looking forward to the rest of this, and hopefully will not put off reading it again.
Hahaha it's just so much gossip and ridiculous conclusions. All I can say is dang it rarity props on Applejack though, that was awesome.
A little awkward overall. There's a number of times where there are statements made that are very awkwardly worded or located. This is especially true with most of the statements about Pinkie Pie, where they're inserted for the sole purpose of saying that Pinkie is random. The explanation of Fluttershy's "not-as-shyness" was also very abrupt, and didn't have any real purpose at that point aside from being an infodump.
Granted, if this hasn't been touched in over a year and you've been improving since, maybe this just needs a brief rewrite, but a lot of what is wrong here are minute details that are mostly noticed because they're repeated quite frequently
1838806 And as for Rarity noticing, it felt proper. I could see it coming a couple paragraphs in advance. Granted, it was not written very well - the preceding sentence did not line it up properly - but it did make sense
really applejack x rarity and pinkie x fluttershy
The ships are too much. We're not even into the first chapter and they're all hooking up, not to mention this means that all six prefer mares? I find that quite hard to believe. And two of the ships are inter-mane six. It's laying it on about a thousand layers too thick.