DerpyJr
Joined 23rd May, 2012 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well, that went from zero to sex in no time flat.
t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRj8jZFDvEnzQonoDiIByoifFnGX19MoO9EwnXIHj2p00eFeNwjqA
Ooh, that fluffy marshmallow plot.
Great start.
ok, the cover image is just..
really nice plot. Anyway, you should really focus more on the description of the 'main theme': give more attention at the 'mechanics' of the act, use metaphores or just enrich everihthing with a more various lexic or something else that can make it more 'pleasing' for the audience, or at least a little less crude. Other than that, the idea is not the most original but works pretty well! 
T'was fair. The setup was descent but the sex all seemed a little fast.
Good Job I enjoyed it.
Nice job on a first attempt. I have a few things to say though
The way you went from just becoming friends to lovers was too fast. Also, try to change up the scene from a shower one. It is kinda played out. That, or you can give it a good twist. Such as 'Vinyle looks at you in disgust as you member rubs against her marehood. "Dude! Not cool." She looks at you with a weak glare, showing that she wasn't entirely angry at you. Your member goes flaccid in no time at all, while you begin to climb out of the shower. She speaks up again, in a softer tone. "At least wait til I'm done bathing." This catches you with surprise, making you slip and fall on the tiled floor.'
Or something like that. Other than that, you did very well.
Liked, faved, loved.
Keep writing it was good. Next time draw out the hot scene more though.
Clop?! This is offensive! Your offensive!
*Looks at description*
No in all seriousness the fic is a bit fast but good quality. Never enough Vinyl Scratch.
Went from zero to sex in about.. 4 seconds. That was a good clop story tho.
That cover art.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOTTYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
Also my name is SPAGHETTI!!!!!
Fast and unedited, but surprisingly not that bad.
Keep writing, I recommend an editor though.
I like it.
Your first is better than 20 people's 100th.
1844403>>1844773>>1845096>>1845331>>1847409
Too fast. I need to pace myself, make the transition from friend to lover more believable, and draw out the sex scenes. Got it.
1844543
Water = bad lubricant. Got it. I really should've done more research on the topic.
1844553
Thank for catching that.I thought I'd rid myself of that mistake, but I guess old habits die hard.
1844753
I need to work on my description detail. Got it.
Thanks to everyone who took time to read and give me advice. I appreciate it.
1849041 Nah it's really just not common knowledge, the only reason I even know it is cause I've done a lot of research on sex(Don't ask why, some questions are best left unanswered
).
1849112 When you say 'Don't ask why', I wanna know. Why would thou research intercourse?
1849125 A better question would be: Why would someone not research it?
1849150 ... Indeed.
That was Damn good I love it.
It's good, but there is one thing that bugs me, why can't people just call her Vinyl Scratch, where did the name DJ Pon3 come from?
1866970 The Hub released an MLP version of California Girls in which they make a shout out to bronies and name Vinyl Scratch Dj Pon-3 here
1867185 I think DJ Pon-3 is more of a title, like TheLivingTombstone, Glaze, Mic the Microphone, ect. While Vinyl Scratch sounds like more of a name (at least for ponies)
In all honesty, i think that you could have made the shower seen a little more discret and discribed it more to. Other wise, pritty good.
It was good but a bit rushed.
SLIM SHADY!
This fic is quite good, it's got all the assets to make a really goods fic. BUT, I believe there is one question on everyone's minds, what exactly is vinyl's favorite color? You just can't mention learning that and not deliver.