Rainbow Dash is grounded by a storm in Ponyville. She finds sanctuary within the library but Twilight Sparkle soon finds out that the storm isn't Rainbow's only problem. She's suffering from a very personal pegasus problem and Twilight has taken it upon herself to look after her friend during this delicate time.
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Call me crazy but I'm pretty sure I've already seen this story on the site.
1800663
I sincerely hope not.
A TwiDash fics who look promising, count me in.
By the way the description of the moulding and especially the short temper made me laugh, a good thing that is only a yearly cycle and not a monthly.
Good luck and I'm waiting for the next chapter.
Cédric
1800828I
I'm glad you found it funny.
There's plenty of Twidash on the way.
1800663 1800721
At first I thought it too, but that was only because of the "any port in a storm" title which I'm sure is the name of a chapter/story with Twidash.
1800882
I have no doubt there are many weather related chapter and story names involving Rainbow Dash.
I'm not so creative in that department.
"find's sanctuary" That's not how apostrophes work.
COMPLIMENT: "personal pegasus problem" Nice alliteration.
1800900 Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've seen the same description in almost its entirety for another story. Just the bit about a personal problem was absent. You've got a few misspellings, mostly the ones that come from typing too fast, and a missing word or two in a couple places, but other than that it's good. I look forward to seeing more. Especially how you deal with the protein thing. I she gonna eat fish? or maybe beans of some kind?
I know I hate it when I lose a lot of head through my wings.
Aside from that I'm really enjoying this and hope to see it continue for several more chapters.
1801009 - My spelling and grammar were never my best skills. It only gets worse when you're typing at 3AM.
The alliteration was purely accidental. It's nice when things work out like that though.
1801030 - I have really got to learn to read what I write when proofing something. Thank you for that.
Awesome start, looking forward to the next chapter!
I liked it the second I saw your puns, I love puns. Nut good chapter looks like a very promising story.
Not bad for a "giant exposition dump." And the descriptions, technical and otherwise, of moulting were greatly appreciated. (One of those thing I've thought about, but never could get into actual words.)
"Some preening in necessary to remove the quill"
Should be 'is'. Nice start, looking forward to more.
1801573 - I was mainly drawing from a textbook on birds.
1801700 - Thanks for that. Now correcting.
Faved, Can't wait for more of this story, good start so far
1801104
Pro-tip: Do NOT apologize for errors at the start of a fic. Doing so makes the reader feel that the apology is necessary, and makes your errors significantly more irritating.
BTW, you used a grocer's apostrophe in Wonderbolt's [sic]. You can play it off if you establish their founder as Wonderbolt, and making him a memetic badass deserving of the 'The', making them Wonderbolt's Precision Flying Team, shortened over time to Wonderbolt's, with the 'The' occasionally put in front out of convention.
It could be a egghead lecture from RD, to show hidden depths of intellect from her, and so I'd advise against simply fixing it.
However, after having the warning and noticing the typo, I skimmed a few paragraphs and then stopped reading, due to the effect your pre-fic apology had on me. Definitely get rid of that. We'll forgive errors so long as they aren't that common, and those of us that are grammarians will tend to point them out in comments for you to fix.
1805331
Thanks for the advice.
1805425
No prob. Now I'm gonna go mark your fic as 'unread' and give it another shot later on.
Art's all about the bluff-check. If you act like you know what you're doing, the reader is convinced 100% of the time. It's the difference between Plagarism and Homage, after all :).
1805437 I think that's my problem. I'm a scientist so I want it absolutely perfect and without any flaws, but as you said Art is a much more fluid thing.
Great story! Keep it up! I want to read more chapters of this story!
Good start, although I would suggest getting a prereader to help you find the grammar errors.
The only major point of feedback that I can give is on how long it takes for RD to moult. I have a very hard time believing that RD could stand being grounded for a full month, much less two. Think of how bad she was when she was only grounded for a couple of days while in the hospital. Furthermore, it's been at least a year since Twilight came to Ponyville, as much as Twilight is wont to go on studying binges, I think even she would notice if she didn't see one of her friends for a month or two.
Overall, looks like an interesting fic, so I'll be keeping an eye on it.
1822774 yeah, grammar is one of my weakest points. Is there a beta reader system on the site?
I'm going to address the points you brought up in later chapters, this first one was mainly to set the scene and dump exposition.
But that was kind of the point of grounding Rainbow for a month, Twilight has to stop her going mad with boredom.
1824937
well there is a group where you can find prereaders
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/27/proofreaders-and-people-willing-to-proofread
1825094
Thanks. That will be a big help.
1824937
Sorry I didn't get back to you earlier... yesterday was a rather busy day for me. Yobikir already pointed out the prereaders group, but you may be interested in the Author Support group as well.
Spike:
ih1.redbubble.net/image.12506394.9101/sticker,375x360.png
Interesting first chapter, though the set-up premise for Rainbow staying at Twilight's library/home for such an extended period seems a bit weak. Would not Fluttershy be back from Zecora's long before any length of time during Rainbow's grounded moulting period? And could then stay there as originally intended? (After the storm passes at Twilight's, of course)
Nonetheless, I look forward to seeing how this develops towards the intended Twilight & Rainbow romance.
1830787 - Don't worry about it, I was away too. I'll check out that group too. Thanks.
1833165 - Didn't even realized I'd referenced that. And they're in a library too.
1839121 - Yeah, not the most convincing setting but I'm probably going to tweak the older parts as I go along (or at least patch some of the plot holes). Glad to know you're not put off by that though.
1839121
I am thinking that once Rainbow Dash finds a place to stay during her molt, I doubt she'd let herself be seen outside at all due to how embarrassing it is. As she has said it is a very personal problem for Pegasi.
1843965 - That was the angle I was going for but pendrake72's point did raise a few plot holes in how the conversation went rather than the eventual outcome. I'm doing some tweaking to the chapter to smooth things out.
'Sweet Apple Acers was way too far away to walk,'
Sweet Apple Acers...Not bad
Looking great, can't wait to see moar!
1864644
Oops. Another thing to sort.
Should be more after new year.
I can help you with proofreading if you'd like. Note that I will be returning to college in three days, so for a week after that I won't be available much, but from then on shouldn't be much trouble.
1979343 You are very kind. The next chapter wont be ready for a bit yet (full time work doesn't really let me write as often as I'd like). So it'll probably be ready when you're ready.
I'll keep you posted. Thanks again.
It's alive!
sweet, almost forgot about this fic. Glad to see it's still (somewhat) alive. Looks good, will be looking forward to your next chapter. The plot could be very interesting.
Twilight's really got her work cut out for her.
I like the detail about Dash making a 'nest'. I want to copy it into my stories whenever I have moulting Pegasai.
Scrambled eggs is delicious, Rainbow should be grateful
will you be able to update more commonly? it's like... *wishes I had a minor sense of time* uh... a bit more than a month I think... most stories wouldn't last this long for me after that long
.
Style suggestion: Separate thoughts from descriptive prose in some fashion. Common methods are puctuating them exactly like dialogue, but surrounding thoughts in single quotations, 'Like this,' bats thought. Or leaving them as descriptive text but italicisizing them like this bats thought again. Or, even better, doing both, 'Do you mean like this?' bats asked himself. Helps legibility.
Edit: They're italicized now. Either I caught it before a useful edit, or my browser derped in a very strange way. Don't mind me; nothing to see here!
this is going to be good
this sounds like its going to be intersting
2199583 No. Italics for thoughts is good; it's the standard style for writing. Single quotes is...eh, passable, but very much discouraged. But you don't use both at once. That's like writing "$1.99¢".
Anyway, I'm actually enjoying this story quite a lot more than I thought I would. I'm entertained so far. I hope you update soon!
2200672
Strunk and White's Elements of Style disagrees with you, but to each their own. Importance is clarity of intent and legibility first and foremost.
2199392 He's not the slow one on this one... (my bad).
Yeah, it took me forever to get to his chapter, but he's a great guy for being so freaking patient!
Gee, this looks rather familiar.
To everybody: This took forever partly because of me. I have college, two jobs, other projects, etc., but I told him I'd get to it.... eventually. I'll make sure to get my end done more quickly.
LOL nice work, this is going to be a good story,
But I think you need to space out better for someone new starts talkin
2199276
I just looked up moulting bird behaviour and adapted it for a pegasus. Don't be afraid to do the same.