ElementHeart
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firsth i was like this
then i was like this
at the end i was
(Joke) Alt. Title: I'm Sad, Now Send Me To Equestria, Faust-Damn It!
did that old woman by any chance was Zecora? Or Zecora's mother or grandmother?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa why was he screaming???????????????
I like what I am reading!
Good writing, keep going.
Lightingace :No it was not Zecora, nor anyone or anypony related to Zecora.
Hadschott : He was screaming because he wasn't used to anything other than humans speaking. Maybe he thought he was sent to Hell?
Thank you, Everypony. Your reviews are very encouraging.
Though, I am trying to not mention religion in this fanfiction at all. I know that that was a problem in my last fimfiction. Hopefully I will receive more likes than dislikes with this one. Not saying I have given up on my other one.
The whole " I am miserable, have a terrible life, and want to end it" character mobel is kinda overused, but at least your character isn't some emo/goth douchebag. Just be sure that he doesn't become an anti-sue.
I will be watching this.
By the way, you need to creat new paragrapgs whenever someone new begins totalk. It is a rule of liturature. There should never be more then one person talking in one paragraph.
Also, the reply button still exist. Just move the arrow to the comment you wwant to reply to, and the option should appear in the upper right corner.
1810617
Thanks for the reply tip. As for the whole new paragraph when someone new speaks,once again thanx. I totally forgot to do that. I will be sure to do that next chapter.
What is an anti-sue? Some guy that no one likes? If that is the case then that will not happen in this story.This is a romance fic. He will SLOWLY become friends with everyone. Without being all gary-stu.
I love this so far. Keep it up man
I like it so far, but you need more emotion and more conversations. Space out your paragraphs a bit.
1816398 Thanks. This story is going to be an emotional one. I will strive to add even MORE emotion to it. If you could PM me and tell me how to effectively portray emotion, that would be helpful. Anypony else is free to PM me and tell me how to make the next chapter that would be VERY helpful.
What I meant to say was anypony is welcome to give advice on making the next chapter better than the first. That would be helpful.Thanx.
This is good. This has my attention, and I can't wait for more!
1817906
Any advice on how to make the next chapter better than the first one?
I like it. Keep it up!
Seriously. How can I make next chapter better than the first one? Please. Helpful advice. I will be adding more emotion/conversations. I will also try to be more descriptive. PLEASE pm me with some advice. PLEASEPLEASEPLEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEEEE!
I've sent you a PM with some concerns that I'd like you to answer before posting anything else here.
Please get back to me and I'll let you know the rest.
Looks like you took your old story and just slapped some new paint on it. So does this guy not have super powers or will he just develop them in time?
At least change the name of your OC so it's not such an obvious self-insert next time.
1827964 Yes I admit it is my other story changed up a bit with MAJOR elements changed. Among the elements is no religious stuff. Without trying to spoil anything he will learn magic. And I took a different approach with this story. No divinity here. AND my character has to work HARD for his friendship/relationships. And this time he will call his "harem" a herd. That is the proper term. I am wondering why you dont like my story Umachan? It is no different than all those stories where one guy bangs a bunch of different ponies each chapter. And those seem to be doing well. And the main reason Holy Protector got such harsh treatment in my mind was because of the religious stuf and the blatant gary-stu-ness. That is all I am going to say on this matter. Hopefully more people will like this story. It is doing well so far.
Dont let anybody tell you to stop doing this this is amazing so far
1828248
Major elements changed?
The main character's name is Kris. I'd wager this is your name in real life as well.
He is unhappy with everything on Earth.
He gets put into a new body which is not only in top physical condition but handsome as well. This also begs the question why he would need this to happen if he's going to magical pony land where human concepts of beauty don't exist?
He gets transported to Equestria where he will wind up having a herd.
He will learn magic.
How is any of this really different?
But if you're wondering why I don't like your story, I'll tell you honestly beyond the points I've just said. And to be honest, there are very few stories on here with a human having a harem or herd that are well done or received. I can only think of Xenophillia off the top of my head but that's because of the story. The harem / herd aspect of it is secondary to world and society building. Now unless you're going for just straight out clop, you need to give the reader something to work with.
First problem is the description. You've just summarized the whole first chapter. There's no surprise or anything because you've just told us what is going to happen. Cut it down to something a little more simple such as: A young man who has lost the will to live finds himself sent to Equestria where he might just find that which he has been missing his whole life. Or something like that.
For the story itself, the first thing that hit me was the overuse of the word "he" starting so many sentences. He did this. He did that. He did the other thing. It gets repetitive after a while, you should clean that up.
Then we have the tenses. You seem to be moving between the simple present and the past tense when describing things. For example, you're in the present tense when he "turns" off his alarm clock, "gets" out of bed, "remembers" it was payday, "shrugs" and "grabs" some clothes. Then immediately after he somehow moves to the immediate past and "took" a shower, "did" not care about the water bill, "showered" until the water turned cold, "grabbed" his things and continued on with his day in the past while making occasional trips to the present. You need to stick to one, moving about like you do makes for a jarring scene transition. It's usually best to stay "in the past" when trying to write about something.
There are some mechanical problems with your quoting and spacing. Those are easily fixed.
Then there's the rather convoluted logic behind sending him to Equestria. I question this witch or whatever she is standing in for the Archangel and sending you... I mean Kris to Equestria. Then there's the typical human winding up in Ponyville, one of the mane six is the first to meet and greet him and end scene.
There's simply nothing new or exciting here to catch a reader's attention. I will admit it's doing a lot better than your old story but I would also wager that's because the TWE was disbanded and they're all too afraid to do what they used to do. I would really suggest you find yourself an editor and to maybe check out some of the groups on this site that help out writers.
1828451 This is NOT straight out clop. This is mostly story. It IS different than my other story because he is not handed everything on a silver platter. And the reason he was given a new body is so he could live in a world full of active lives... VERY active lives. Otherwise he would not be able to keep up with everyone. Now on to you and people like you. Despite the grammatical mistakes it is doing good. Stop trying to squash my creativity and MY fantasies. Do I go around saying the things you fanasize about are stupid? NO. I actually support peoples fantasies if they are not too weird. I am an open minded individual and not judgemental like people like YOU, Umachan. All people like you do is squash peoples dreams and treat others that do not write the way you would like inferiors. I am sick of people like you trying to mold my stories to your whims. My theme is polygamous marriages even though in real life I am monogamous. If you want a HiE where I fall in love with a single character then ask and specify which pony. And no male love interests for my male character. Anyways yes my name is Kris Brewer and I like to write self-insert fics. Is that a crime? Why dont you write a story using this one as an example?Go ahead. I give you permission. And I dare you. As for anyone that reads this and likes it. If you wish to use any part of my story. I give full permission to use the story elements or characters. I just ask that you give credit where credit is due.
My story centers on romance and working hard for what you have. It also has tons of emotions during the dtory. And other GOOD stuff. It is a dramatic story. Just because the theme is not what is in the norm dos not mean you should automatically dislike it. At least give it a chance to progress. Read every chapter that I put out and if you do not like it THEN I respect it. I always post positive comments. Why dont you at least tell me the things about my story that you DO like, Umachan? Say something positive for once instead of criticizing everything that I write,huh? Anyways enough of my rant. Enjoy.
And also in my story. Handsome is relative. What I mean by handsome is mainly for Kris,s benfit. So he can look in the mirror. His face gets a bit thinner thats all.
1829264
So I'm confused here. When you asked me specifically:
were you just speaking rhetorically or did you want an actual answer? I only ask because you seemingly get upset when I told you what it was I didn't like.
I was honest with you. Your story did not appeal to me and and current 19 thumbs down agree with me. Considering that is more than half the thumbs up shows that yes it is doing better than your other story but don't think for a moment that you've got a runaway hit on your hands here. And I'm not going to wait until you decide to write every single chapter before reading it and making up my mind and asking people to do the same is crazy. People will read the first chapter and then decide if they want to continue, sometimes even quitting partway through because the story is simply not doing it for them. If they like what they see, they will continue. If they don't, they won't.
And at no point was I rude or simply criticizing everything you wrote. I simply told you what I thought you wanted to hear. I don't sugar coat and I refuse to lie even to spare somebody's feelings which is why I didn't tell you what I didn't like until you asked me. If you don't want to hear it, don't ask for it. It's that simple.
If you're so inclined, do me a favor and check out my favourites. There's not a lot there as I have a tendency to clear them out from time to time. Most of them are incomplete which is why they're there, the rest get moved to the "watch later" but some stories, especially the ones dealing with romance or drama have a certain something that your stories don't. While you're at it check the thumbs up VS thumbs down on them. You'll see that the former vastly outweighs the latter.
Also, please don't ask me what I liked about this. I won't tell you because I don't want you to run crying to your mommy. Just accept the fact that I find your story stale and derivative and I'm not going to bother to check for updates in the future.
Your story gave me a brilliant idea how to start my... "Reigen" ... well there is no word in English to describe it properly, not even if i try to describe it in an sentence... let just say Multiple Plot Story...
Good one, there is potential. it can be a enlighten story, being the reference for hundreds of Stories or it can sink into total meaninglessness. all depends on how you choose to lead the storyline and the literally Voice you will chose.
*thump up* and because i want to know where you lead this story i fav it.
1835648 Thank you very much for your kind words.
I am glad that it has inspired you to write. Thanx for the fave.
Ha Ha! Wish fulfillment!
The story is pretty average, not good, not bad just average. The main problem is this plot is very generic. Unhappy guy shows up in Equestria, winds up with more than 1 member of the mane 6 and they all lived happily ever after? Then what? This is what I'm talking about with wish fulfillment. It's the barest minimum of a plot, but you say you're not going for straight up clop which means you need something more. Unless this is simply a slice of life story in which case you forgot that tag.
Umachan pointed out some structural problems with your story, I'd take a look at those and at least try not to do the same thing in future chapters. I'm also going to assume you're maybe 13 based on your syntax? Just treat this as a learning experience
http://patchy684.deviantart.com/#/d5p3lpe
Better definitely better... Still a bit crap but can't be helped
1891643
No worries. More is on its way. I am working on the second chapter. I have stuff going on but it should be done sometime next week. Patience my friend.
i like it thumbs up
1912891
Why thank you, mike, for your kind words.
no problemyea mike is right no trouble at all please be quiet luna hmmmm no yes no fine
1921601
Now, now, no arguing you two. LUNA, GET BACK IN MY BEDCHAMBERS! LOL. You are very funny Mike.
i do so enjoy this dance of desire to make people chuckle wow that... was terrible well i think it was nice of course YOU would but i dont and my opinions are the only that matter here that was cold luna
fine im sorry stop that now y-you dont think i matter waaaaa
please stop... please ok
1922987
LOL. I wuv you Luna.
LUNA COME HERE SOMEONE WANTS TO WORSHIP YOU haha dont tell her hawhat i have worshipers here yay yep many people like you i would go as far as saying some love you oh love... umm idk if i like that oh really yea kinda creepy that thay haven't met me and thay love me well come here and give me a hug im one of those people too. WHAT NO GET AWAY FOR ME hahahah the look on your face PRICELESS hahaha oh haha very funny payback for before but im serious someone said he wuves you woona DONT call me that why not WOONA i think it adorable shut up ha your blushing thats cute well gtg you can have the pcwell um bye pon- people
1947794
MARRY ME, LUNA!
whoa whoa hey buddy watch it what... what is itNOTHING i mean nothing at all lunadidnt sound like nothing oh well go awayno (magically moves me out of the way) NO DONT what the buck umm hehe not only does he want to marry me but YOU mike seem jelly well... sorta umm gtg bye RUUUUN FOR YOU LIVES GET BACK HERE miiiike~ i just want to taaaalk~ no you dont you freaking kill me or something i wont hurt you now were did you get that idea umm.... idk see its fine come out.... please... for me fine im out here happy (she hugs me)...........
Are you int the middle of writing the next chapter?
1951271the fact that your last comment was deleted only adds the the awsomeness
1960979 Indeed I am. Dont worry your widdle head. I will post when ready.
1951271
CURSE YOU, MIKE! CURSE YOOOOUUUUU!
I'm glad to see how this ones turning out better than your last. You are a great writer, you just need to find the right people to help give you that push in the right direction
1961847
But I think they were jelly
So I will continue writing
Thank you. I needed that. I have been told that I am a crappy writer and that I should not write anymore.