Chapter 9
Shadow of the Sun
By Starwin
Chapter 9
The ponies walked through the streets of the small town below the ground. Like its counterpart high above, the houses that comprised the underground settlement were made from stone. Many of them had been designed in the same style as Hoofington, but a few had actually been carved right into some of the giant stalactites.
The miniature city was lit by torches that didn’t burn but glowed with florescent green light. The emerald color washed over all the ponies, making their coats appear dull. The flickering light made their shadows dance from side-to-side, imparting an uneasy sensation that the silent darkness was watching them.
Glinting Rings led the way as they trotted through the abandoned subterranean village. None of the ponies talked. In the unnerving quiet, a question repeated itself in Twilight’s thoughts. She hadn’t had a chance to ask when she had first noticed, but now seemed like the time to get some answers.
“I noticed there were no pegasi back in the cave with the others,” said Twilight. Glinting Rings glanced back at Twilight with an uncertain expression on her face. She didn’t answer but instead looked to Long Star, who trotted alongside her.
“They left town,” explained Long Star simply, not looking back at Twilight. “A day or two after this whole thing started.”
“Why would they do that?” asked Rarity in confusion.
“Fear,” answered Long Star. “You see, at first, most ponies didn’t think too much of the Sun stopping. We thought that maybe the Princess had her reasons. On the third day, when no trains had come and no word had been sent, we found we could no longer go outside. That’s when things started to get bad, real bad…
“Everything might have been lost. Then I had the idea to move the whole town underground,” explained Long Star. He looked back, a smile on his face for a brief moment before it became a frown. “But the pegasus, they weren’t so happy about being so enclosed. I tried to get them to come down. Pleaded even. But they wouldn’t have none of that. I could see the fear in their eyes. I don’t know if it was the Sun or the prospect of being trapped underground, but they refused.
“In the end, I had to leave them behind,” continued Long Star. “Glinting went up the next day, to start fetching supplies, but, they were gone. Don’t know where they went.
“I’m surprised your friend came down with you.” His gaze turned to Fluttershy. “Most pegasus wont go anywhere near the caves. Can’t remember the last time one actually came down. You must be very brave.”
“Oh, no, not really,” said Fluttershy quietly.
“Did they say where they were going?” asked Twilight.
“Nope,” replied Long Star, still not looking back. “Hope they found someplace safe though.”
A screech reverberated through the cave. The group came to a halt, covering their ears. The sound sent a chill through Twilight. After a moment, the screech stopped and the ponies continued forward.
“That is one unpleasant sound,” said Applejack. “Any idea what those things are?”
“Fire beasts,” said Glinting Rings. She turned so that she trotted backwards. Her face was lit with the torchlight as if she were telling a scary campfire story. “It’s said they only come out at night! Swooping down through the air and snatching little foals off the street! Their favorite meal is pony flesh! And they love listening to the sounds of our screams!”
“Who says that?” asked Pinkie Pie with keen interest.
“Uh… well… townsfolk I guess…” answered Glinting Rings.
“Has any of that actually ever happened? Did they take any of the foals?” asked Twilight.
“Well… no, not that I know of…” said Glinting Rings.
“So what exactly did they do?” asked Applejack
“They terrorized the town,” said Long Star. “Flying through the air above us, screeching. It was enough to give any pony bad dreams. We didn’t have a choice. Those things wouldn’t leave us alone. I don’t think they ever even took anything or caused harm to the town, but they upset everypony something real bad.”
“I still have bad dreams about it,” said Glinting Rings with a shiver.
At last the group reached the far end of the settlement. The town, after all, wasn’t that big. Glinting Rings and Long Star halted at the threshold.
“So, uh, good luck then,” said Glinting Rings.
“You ain’t coming with?” asked Applejack. Glinting shook her head. It almost looked like there was terror in her eyes.
“No way. I’m not going near those things,” she said.
“The way’s dangerous,” said Long Star. “The floor of the cave is uneven and in some places it drops into bottomless holes. You best watch your step.”
“Easier said than done,” replied Twilight absently. She was looking out across the darkness of the cave. Even with the break in the roof and sunlight streaming in, most of the cave remained dark. There wasn’t enough light to see much more than the area directly beneath the opening.
“We could just take one of these glowing sticks,” suggest Fluttershy, hovering up next to a green torch and pointing to it. Rarity shook her head
“If we have any light sources, those things will be able to spot us from across the cave,” said Rarity.
“I don’t think we have any choice. It’s too dangerous to travel without light,” said Twilight. “We’ll just have to risk being seen.”
“Thank you all for do this for us,” said Long Star, sounding genuinely grateful. “To be honest, I thought you just would have left us by now, once you saw what we were up against.”
“How could we do that?” cried Pinkie in surprise. “You guys need help! And we are just the ones to do it!”
“There aren’t many who would,” said Long Star with a smile. “You ponies be careful and come back in one piece. I need to be getting back to the others. We’ll see about getting you some supplies.” The colt turned to leave.
“Sheriff,” said Twilight. Long Star stopped in his tracks. “Our friend Rainbow Dash is still back in the castle. I didn’t think we would be down here that long but this might take a while. Could you send somepony up to give her some water?”
“We still have to fetch down the rest of the water,” replied Long Star. “I’ll make sure she gets some though.”
“Thank you,” said Twilight. “Fluttershy, pull down that torch.” Fluttershy nabbed the glowing stick off the wall and brought it down. Twilight used her magic to levitate the light to Spike. “Lead the way, Spike.”
“You got it, Twilight,” said Spike with a salute. He grabbed the torch out of the air and started off. The others followed him. Twilight gave one last look at Glinting Rings then she used her magic to pull down a second torch before she turned and trotted after her friends.
Two small pools of eerie emerald light lit the path. Spike held the torch as high as he could while Twilight did the same with her magic. The black rocks around them glinted in the ghostly green light, giving the cave a strange dreamlike quality.
Far ahead the two blazing things were still up in the air racing around and screeching every so often. If the fire things could see the lights the friends were carrying, they gave no indication. They either hadn’t seen Twilight and her friends or they weren’t interested yet.
They had to move slowly. The light was not strong and the darkness beyond where the torch light fell was pitch black. The sunlight seemed only to make the cave darker, blinding them if they looked at it.
“Woah,” whispered Spike. He came to a sudden halt as did the others behind him. Their current path ended in a sheer drop into invisible darkness. Spike held his torch out over the edge but in the short distance that it lit he could not see the bottom.
Carefully, they made their way around the crevasse, walking along its edge. Rarity looked into the depths wide eyed, but said nothing. Applejack gulped. Fluttershy looked away. And Pinkie… shouted down into it.
“Echo!” she called. All of the ponies came to an abrupt halt. Twilight clapped a hoof over her friends’ mouth. Pinkie’s voice echoed in the darkness, repeating the word until it finally faded into silence. The ponies waited and held their breath. Their eyes were fixed on the distant flying fires ahead. The fear in the air was tangible.
Had they heard? Would they come?
After a long moment, when the fire things stayed where they were, the group let out a collective sigh. Twilight removed her hoof from Pinkie’s mouth.
“Sorry,” apologized Pinkie with a nervous smile.
At last they came to the end of the chasm and were able to turn back towards their destination. They had to make only minor course corrections to avoid stalagmites in their path, but otherwise they stayed on track towards the column of light.
“Twilight,” whispered Applejack. “I know these ponies need our help, but why in the hay are we doing this? We ain’t got time to be down here.”
“Applejack!” said Rarity indignantly. “I’m surprised at you. These ponies need our help! Although, I am curious what made you change your mind, dear?” She glanced at Twilight.
“I saw something,” said Twilight. “The glint of a gem under the sunlight.”
“You think it’s another Element of Harmony?” asked Fluttershy. Twilight nodded, then remembered that her friends probably couldn’t see her.
“Yes,” said Twilight. “Of course I don’t know for sure… but…”
“I’m sure it is,” said Pinkie exuberantly.
“Pinkie Senses?” asked Spike.
“No silly! Because I believe in Twilight!” said Pinkie Pie.
As they got closer the eyes of the group kept glancing from the treacherous ground to the flying fire above. Twilight had a bad feeling about the flying flames. There was something nagging at the back of her brain, something just out of reach.
Ahead of them, sunlight poured down from the opening in the ceiling. It made a large circle where they would clearly be visible once they were inside.
Unlike the rest of the cave, the section bathed in light appeared to have been artificially created. It hadn’t been as visible back in the town but now that they were closer the group could see a great tall pillar of stone, four dozen ponies high. There did not appear to be any visible way to get to the top. It was perfectly circular and smooth. Atop the tall pillar, in its very center was a second, much smaller, column of stone.
Shining like a diamond and sitting on top of the column was the glint of gold. Twilight was sure it had to be an element but she couldn’t tell which one it was at this distance. Not that it mattered. They needed all of them if they were going to have any chance of fixing the Sun.
The element was just sitting there waiting for them. It felt like a trap, like the lake of ice all over again. Twilight didn’t like it but they didn’t have a choice. If it was an element they needed it. They needed to help the town. And they needed to do all of it as quickly as possible. The problem was, Twilight had no idea how they were going to do any of it.
The group came to a halt at the edge of the intense sunlight, just behind a large stalagmite. Twilight wondered if the rays of the Sun would have the same effect down here that they had on the surface. Carefully, Twilight held out a hoof but pulled it back very quickly when she touched the light. Well, that answered that question.
“Alright,” said Twilight, thoughtfully. “Alright… let me think… We need to get the element and we need to get rid of those flame things…”
“It can’t be a coincidence that they are here,” said Applejack. “Maybe they are guarding the element?”
“So maybe, if we grab it, they will go away!” said Spike. Applejack nodded.
“Or maybe they will chase us,” whispered Fluttershy. “Until they get it back.”
“Oh, yeah…” said Spike. “I guess that’s way more likely.”
“Twilight, you could just levitate it down with your magic,” suggested Rarity. “They might not even notice.”
“Maybe,” said Twilight, looking at the glint of the gold high above them. “Although, the last time I used my magic, it just made things worse. And if I drop it… No, I think we have to somehow work together to get it. Like we did at the ice lake.”
“Uh, tiny problem,” said Pinkie Pie. “We are short one pony! Unless Spike is the new Rainbow Dash…”
“We’ll just have to make do with who we have,” replied Twilight.
“So we all need to get up there?” asked Rarity, looking at the tall insurmountable tower around the element. “And do what? It’s not like the lake, where it was frozen.”
“No,” said Twilight. “It’s just lying there… I don’t know what we’re supposed to do.”
“Oh! Oh! I have a plan!” cried Pinkie raising a hoof into the air and waving it like she wanted Twilight to call on her.
“This should be good,” mumbled Applejack under her breath.
“We need to work together to get the element,” explained Pinkie. “So for this to work, we need to split up!”
“Uh, Pinkie,” said Twilight. Pinkie continued on, ignoring Twilight’s protest.
“If we each go to a different side we can distract them,” continued Pinkie Pie. “We just need to keep them running around in circles so that they are way too busy to notice the one pony sneaking in to grab the element while they aren’t looking!” All of the friends stood speechless, looking at Pinkie as if they had never seen her before. She smiled back at them pleasantly.
“Do you think that would actually work?” asked Applejack after a long moment.
“Maybe,” said Twilight, “but it only gives us a window to get to the element. We still don’t have a plan to deal with those fire things.” Twilight looked back to Pinkie.
“Um, ask them nicely to go away?” suggested Pinkie.
“Maybe we could lead them back out the way they came in?” said Rarity, looking upwards at the hole in the ceiling. “Then seal it behind them.”
“That might work,” said Twilight. “I’m pretty sure a patch spell should be able to close that hole. Now we just need to get them to go out somehow…” Twilight turned to her yellow pegasus friend. Fluttershy cowered away as if Twilight had screamed at her.
“Oh no,” said Fluttershy cowering down, already knowing what was coming.
“Fluttershy,” said Twilight softly. “I know it’s scary but we need you. You’re the only one who can fly. Rarity will shield you so you can stay in the sunlight. While we have them distracted you fly up and grab the element. Hopefully that should get their full attention.
“Once they come after you—” Fluttershy gave a squeak of terror “—you’ll need to fly as fast as you can and lead them out. As you come back in, I’ll seal the way behind you, trapping them outside.”
“But Twilight…” protested Fluttershy.
“I know you can do it Fluttershy,” said Twilight, putting a hoof on her friend. “We are counting on you.” Fluttershy looked at Twilight’s hoof, looked at her friends, who were all waiting hopefully for her answer. At last she nodded.
“Alright, is everypony ready?” asked Twilight. A resounding yes came from all of the mares, and Spike, except Fluttershy, who quietly whimpered ‘no’. Silently, the group spread out around the circle of light. Rarity stayed close to Fluttershy, so that she could shield her.
“Now!” shouted Twilight. Her horn flared with magic. The tip of a stalagmite broke off from next to her and flung itself into the air, narrowly missing one of the flying things. That managed to get its attention.
With a screech, both of them dove down out of the air at Twilight, racing right for her. With a flash of magic she teleported away before they could get to her. They stopped in the air, confused as to where their target had gone.
“Hey, flame face!” called Applejack, she bucked a stone at one of the burning things. It screeched and turned towards her.
“Surprise!” shouted Pinkie Pie from the other side. With a bang that sounded like a party horn, streamers launched into the air from a mini party cannon. They hit the other fiery thing before bursting into flame and turning to ash. The two beasts split apart, each once chasing after a pony.
Twilight reappeared beside Rarity and Fluttershy. Twilight nodded to Rarity. The white unicorn’s horn began to glow and a shield shimmered around Fluttershy.
“Alright Fluttershy! Go!” shouted Twilight. However, Fluttershy didn’t move, she remained where she was, cowering. “Fluttershy!” shouted Twilight. The yellow pegasus let out a little shriek of fear before finally getting up. “Hurry!”
“Any time would be dandy!” shouted Applejack in annoyance. She ducked to avoid the flames as the fire beast swooped. It chased after Applejack, leaving a trail of fire in the air behind it.
It was gaining on her, about to catch her. A blast of green flame lashed out at the fire beast causing it to swerve away as Applejack dove for safety.
“Uh oh,” said Spike as the fire beast turned towards him. He let out a scream as he ran while the thing swooped at him.
“Fluttershy!” demanded Twilight, her plan falling apart before her eyes.
“Oh no! I can’t do it! I can’t!” wailed Fluttershy.
“Twilight!” shouted Pinkie. “I’m running out of streamers!” The party cannon sounded again, this time launching party hats and dinner plates. The flaming monster charged through the party trinkets, burning them away at the merest touch.
Twilight looked back at Fluttershy who was trying to hide beneath a rock.
“I’m going in,” said Twilight.
“You’re what?” was all Rarity could get out.
With a crack and a pop, Twilight teleported up onto the top of the platform. Instantly, she felt the sunlight hit her with all its force. She bit her lip to keep from crying out. The element of loyalty was just sitting there, waiting for her. Twilight didn’t hesitate, she snatched it up in her teeth.
Fire slammed into Twilight, knocking her off her hooves. She crashed to the ground, skidding along the stone and stopping at the edge. An angry, ear piercing screech, lashed out at her. Twilight forced her eyes open to see on of the fire things coming slowly towards her.
She wasn’t sure, but it almost looked… pony-like. Twilight suddenly realized what these things were. What a terrible mistake they had made coming here. She had to get out of here. They all had to get out of here. She focused her magic on a return teleport.
The thing screeched again and Twilight winced as her concentration was broken. The fire thing got even closer, its blazing red demonic eyes fixed on her, its mouth spilling fire. It lifted a flaming hoof into the air to strike her, its heat so intense that Twilight was sure she must be on fire.
There was nowhere for her to flee.
Applejack, Pinkie, Spike and Rarity were all shouting desperately, trying to draw the fire thing away but it wasn’t doing any good, it was focused on Twilight.
Her mind raced, trying to find a plan, trying to think of an escape, trying to…
The hoof of the fire beast fell and Twilight did the only thing she could think of, she rolled backwards off the edge of the stone rise. Her own hooves grabbed the edge so that she dangled over the side, the invisible blackness of the ground below her.
The fire beast moved closer, its hoof rising a second time to strike her off. Twilight looked up into the face of fear, the element of loyalty held tight in her mouth. The thing screeched at her again, its breath coming out as sparks.
Twilight’s hoof slipped and she toppled backwards, the fire beast falling away above her as she dropped towards the ground.
Except, suddenly she was falling sideways instead of down. Twilight’s brain struggled to try and figure out what had happened. At last realizing that she was flying, that somepony must have caught her.
She half expected it to be Rainbow Dash, even though that seemed impossible. Although the pony she found carrying her seemed even more impossible. Fluttershy. Fluttershy had rescued her.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” apologized Fluttershy.
The fire beast screeched in anger at its target having escaped. Flaming wings spread from its side as it prepared to charge towards them.
“Twilight!” shouted Spike from below. “Look out!” Twilight looked right just in time to find the other fire monster coming towards them. Twilight opened her mouth to tell Fluttershy to dodge but as she did, the pegasus rolled hard in a sort of backwards flip that made Twilight’s stomach lurch. The element of harmony dropped from her open mouth as the flame beast soared past them, missing by half a hoof.
“Fluttershy! The element!” cried Twilight pointing down. Fluttershy’s eyes followed the tumbling glint of gold as it fell. With speed Twilight had never seen Fluttershy use before they turned sharply downwards and dove. A screech raced past where they had been.
The two ponies sped downwards, racing toward the invisible ground below. It was no good, they would never reach it before it hit the ground.
“Ah got it!” shouted Applejack, galloping towards the falling element.
“No, Applejack!” cried Twilight, seeing what her friend could not. However it was too late. Applejack leapt for the element, catching it in midair before she began to fall herself.
Below her, invisible in the darkness, was an enormous, bottomless, pit, that Twilight doubted very much was bottomless. Applejack tumbled down, the element still clasped tightly in her jaws.
Fluttershy didn’t so much as slow down as they raced into the vertical tube after their falling friend. Tumbling ahead of them, glowing in a sphere of red-ish light was Applejack, the element of loyalty held tightly in her mouth. Twilight's own element glowed from within her saddlebags, giving them just enough purple light so that they could dimly see the circular walls around them.
An echoing screech sounded from behind them. Twilight glanced back and saw two points of fire enter into the vertical shaft. It seemed that the fire beasts were not about to give up their pursuit. Twilight took little comfort in knowing that her plan to lead them out through the hole in the ceiling would have probably worked.
Twilight turned her focus back towards their falling friend as Fluttershy carried them downwards. It was hard to tell but Twilight thought they might be catching up. Applejack tumbled in freefall, her hooves trying to slow her down but grabbing only air.
Down and down they plummeted into the never ending darkness below. The tunnel opened suddenly into another large chamber. A waterfall roared at their side, the light of the element making the water glow red below. Because they were flying downwards so quickly the water almost appeared to be falling upwards. On their other side was open air, stretching out into the darkness of another enormous cave. Twilight could make out the midnight black water of some huge underground lake churning below.
Another scream echoed behind them and Twilight dared to glance back again. The fire things were right on their tail and gaining rapidly.
Twilight looked back to Applejack and she knew they wouldn’t reach her in time. Even if they did, Fluttershy couldn’t carry them both. If the fire beasts didn’t catch them, the lake would swallow them up. Twilight did not think that Applejack would survive a fall from this height.
Panic threatening to overtake her, Twilight forced herself to focus, to deal with one problem at a time. Fire beasts, nothing she could do about them. Falling friend, nothing she could do about her. Element, Twilight could try and levitate it. And if she could do the element, why not Applejack?
“Fluttershy,” shouted Twilight. “Get ready to pull up as hard as you can.” Fluttershy didn’t answer. Twilight didn’t even know if her friend had heard her. She just had to hope that Fluttershy was ready.
“NOW!” shouted Twilight. Her horn sparked with magic. An aura reached out and wrapped around Applejack, slowing her down. It was just enough. Twilight’s forelegs hooked under Applejack and Fluttershy pulled out of the dive. Twilight could feel the g-forces tugging on her. The feeling was extremely unpleasant. Their straight drop turned into a curving arc.
Two large splashes echoed behind them. Steam billowed into the air with a hiss. Twilight looked back and saw two burning embers going dim in the inky waters of the lake.
However, they weren’t safe yet themselves. The weight was simply too much. Applejack’s legs hit the water first, dragging them down. Twilight lost her hold and Applejack was tugged out of her forelegs before tumbling into the lake.
Fluttershy let out a cry of distress, her angle tilted and Twilight dropped into the icy water. The water was like thousands of tiny stinging needles on her skin. A dozen hooves away, Fluttershy crashed into the lake as well.
Twilight treaded water at the surface. Behind her, Twilight could see a red glow slowly coming towards her. For one terrible moment, Twilight thought it was one of the fire beasts but she could make out Applejack’s outline in the water.
“Is everypony okay?” shouted Twilight. A muffled yes from Applejack and a quiet squeak from Fluttershy told her that everypony was unharmed. She could hear both her friends swimming towards her. Twilight’s horn glowed and a flare of magic shot into the air, illuminating the whole cave.
Twilight felt her eyes widen at what she saw. They had been extremely lucky. On either side of them were sharp jagged rocks.
“Where are we!” shouted an unfamiliar voice. “What’s going on!”
“Help! Help!” shouted a second, female voice. “Somepony help!” The shouts were coming from where the fire beasts had slammed into the water. In the glow of her flare spell, Twilight could see the faces of two ponies sticking out of the water.
“Stay calm!” shouted Twilight. She swam towards them, Fluttershy and Applejack swimming along behind. The three friends stopped a safe distance away, looking at the two ponies in the water. They both looked positively terrified.
“Are y’all hurt?” asked Applejack, her voice slightly muffled by the element in her mouth. The two ponies looked at each other but finally shook their heads.
“I don’t think so,” replied the colt.
“Can you fly?” asked Twilight.
“I think so,” said one of the ponies. Her coat was a darkish purple, her mane was blue with highlights of green. She flapped her wings, lifting gently out of the water. The other pegasus beside her did the same, a colt with a brownish coat. “Where are we, how did we get down here?”
“I think I can explain,” said Twilight. “But first, do you mind giving us a hoof back up?” Twilight pointed to the opening high above. The two pegasi nodded. The mare grabbed Twilight, while the colt took hold of Applejack.
Slowly, the five ponies began to climb, although much slower than they had fallen. Fluttershy followed last, staying below her friends, while the two pegasi lifted Twilight and Applejack
They reached the narrow opening they had come through, not more than a tiny hole in the ceiling. They continued slowly upwards, rising towards the cave above that they could not see.
After what felt like forever they emerged out of the deep chasm and back into the massive underground cave. The pegasi set Twilight and Applejack back on solid ground before landing beside them.
Quickly, Twilight used her magic to stow the element of harmony they had retrieved in her saddle bags. She didn’t want to risk losing it again
“Okay,” said the dark purple pegasus, “now what exactly is going on! How did we get here and who the hay are you?”
“Twilight, where did these ponies come from?” asked Rarity. The rest of the group had gathered around them.
“They are… they were,” corrected Twilight. “The fire beasts.” Her friends looked at Twilight in surprise then glared at the two pegasus. “And if my guess is right, you’re both from Hoofington?”
“Yes,” said the colt.
“So where are we,” asked the purple pegasus. “Is this that creepy cave the earth ponies like so much?” She glanced around at the darkness. “Or has the Sun finally set?”
“It’s the cave,” said Applejack her voice was full of mistrust. “Twilight, what do you mean they were the fire beasts?”
“I didn’t recognize what they were until I was up close,” explained Twilight. “Although it’s no wonder I didn’t know what they were. No pony has seen one for a thousand years…” The whole group was looking at Twilight as she paused. They held their breath, not wanting her to go on but craving the answer. “They... are nightmares.”
Stats
Page generated in 0.028 seconds
Total duration
824 users online
674,597 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
As in Nightmare Moon, Nightmares? Please, continue
Very cool. You used pegasus instead of pegasi as plural everywhere though.
Sucky that Dash wasn't involved in retrieving her own element.
Sweet! Just awesome!!
2090832 most likely... but we are seeing Celestia's version now I'd bet. XD
Nightmares, huh? Could this mean that Luna has gone back to the dark side and the sun is a result of her attacking Celestia?
I'm just going to leave this link here.
http://realmsoffantasy-myth.deviantart.com/journal/Realms-of-Fantasy-and-Myth-Week-45-Nightmares-331625323
Keep up the good work on the story.
Wouldn't Spike be able to handle the fire blasts? He can swim in lava.
[img] http://www.google.com/imgres?q=wat&um=1&hl=en&tbo=d&biw=1280&bih=702&tbm=isch&tbnid=LmqY2jLB5dtgqM:&imgrefurl=http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/wat&docid=Df2zH_Hz4tOswM&imgurl=http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/173/576/Wat8.jpg%253F1315930535&w=604&h=404&ei=9H4UUbvBBYfmrAe27YGwDA&zoom=1&ved=1t:3588,r:2,s:0,i:153&iact=rc&dur=514&sig=105613538966611724212&page=1&tbnh=184&tbnw=251&start=0&ndsp=17&tx=130&ty=72[/img]
2090832
I guess in this case it would be Nightmare Sol (or Solaris).
Caught a couple of mistakes here, but they're getting less frequent from last chapter! Good work.
Whimpered*.
There needs to be a question mark here.
2091904
Laughed at the drama there. When I saw your comment, I saw the standard picture dropdown, and it showed a long URL. My thoughts were "ooh, what'll this picture be?" and lo and behold, when I clicked on the plus sign, my computer lagged for a bit. . . and nothing happened. I was screaming inside my head with disappointment. Oh well.
2092351 right click link open in new tab... :P
2091639
More like Celestia has fallen to the dark side...
Luna was the one who requested for the mane 6 to come to Canterlot and recover the EOH. Celestia on the other hand was vague and told them to stay away.
Meh, close enough.
2093155 Eh, not necessarily. Luna could be trying to draw the EOH into a trap.
2093870 Then why scatter the EOH in the path towards Canterlot? Why not just let them come... I think Luna was keeping the EOH away from Celestia.
So like, what? Ghosts?
2090926
Corrected for the most part. I still think the word sounds odd though.
2091813
Oooo, thank you for the pictures, I likie
2092351
Fixed and fixed. Thank you
pegasi
missing 'the'
Typo should be obvious.
'E' should be capitalized.
Sounds like Fluttershy is speaking—or in this case squeaking—here. It's clear from the lack of end quote in the previous paragraph that Twilight is still speaking, but I would recommend using em dashes rather than commas to make it clearer.
Missing 'as,' an apostrophe-'s', and the word 'so.'
Man, you really do love commas. Ironic, considering the first paragraph in this chapter is missing two.
But in this paragraph, I think an ellipsis would work better than a comma.
Still pleased to see my favorite character getting more stuff to do.
I figured out that they had to be in the presence of Rainbow Dash's Element while you were describing the pillar of rock, although I also kind of expected Rainbow Dash to be summoned down to procure her own Element. Still, it was both adorable and very in-character for Fluttershy to pony up and save Twilight while desperately apologizing at the same time. I could imagine that quite easily.
And here's another thing you did right: when writing a good action scene, the peril get consistently worse. I also liked that Twilight came up with a plan to get them out of that fix, particularly because I thought the "fire beasts" were going to switch goals after the Element's theft and surprise everyone by saving them.
2096875
-I'm not so fond of the word pegasi, it always sounds wrong. In this case I am going to leave it.
-'the' added.
-Ah, yes I see the problem five additional 'e's added for correctnesseeeee
-Corrected.
-Have to say the '—' look odd at the end of quotes. But you are right, with my beloved commas it is easy to confuse the speaker.
-Took me a while to find them all, 'so' proved especially tricky and I went back and forth about it a couple times.
-NOOOOO! Comma, I shall miss thee...
Yeah, I was deliberately trying not to add comma's, but I just had to give up on that. My brain simply wont allow me to write any work with less commas than views... actually, we needed one more for this reply.
I am really good at making things worse... wait...
2097240 Wha...? No, the word "pieces" was misspelled. It's, "premoscuiscosority."
The commas must die, I say!
Actually, I thought the em dashes should touch the description of Fluttershy, not Twilight's dialogue. You clearly intend for it to be a quick insert describing Fluttershy's reaction while Twilight is speaking, but putting them within Twilight's quotation marks makes it look like she pauses while Fluttershy squeaks. That's probably why it looks odd, but you can do with it what you wish.
2097240
"Pegasus" is an individual's name. Though the pluralization "i" is right for Greek, there is no plural for an individual's name.
So given what the word "pegasus" has come to mean for us English speakers, technically speaking "pegasi" and "pegasuses" are acceptable ways of pluralizing.
Dem firebeasts! They remind me of the scene from Iron Man: Armored Adventures where teen Pepper and Rhody activate the trap and turn into fire spirits that try to kill Tony. The whole thing took place in a cave, and neither remembered what happened after they were cured.
Good job Fluttershy... almost got Twilight killed.
I had more but I'm typing on the on screen keyboard w/ my mouse, so...
CONSIDERS USING PROPER FORMATTING
AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!
[dear princess celestia...]
Ctrl + V:
...through the abandon subterranean...
abandoned
~~
The town after all wasn’t that big.
The town, after all, wasn’t all that big.
or
After all, the town wasn't really that big.
~~~
Commas...
“Lead the way Spike.”
“You got it Twilight,”
Far ahead the two blazing things --> Far ahead [of them?], the two blazing things
~~~
“Pinkie senses?” asked Spike. --> “Pinkie [s/S]ense?” asked Spike.
~~~
...at the tall insurmountable tower ...
tall, insurmountable
~~~
“But it only gives us a window to get to the element.
SPOILER ALERT!!!
-I am dog-tired, and so taking a relaxed attitude towards reading. Thus I won't be saying much on the older chapters (which, theoretically, you don't need as much feedback on). EDIT: So I was incorrect about this... at least for this chapter...
“Oh, no, not really,” said Fluttershy quietly.
-Well, she IS brave when the situation calls for it and others are threatened, but this is more about her being more of a winged earthpony by nature than a pegasus.
I don’t think they ever even took anything or caused harm to the town, but they upset everypony something real bad.
-Sounds like a job for Pinkie Pie and some really REALLY good earplugs? Or maybe Fluttershy can go up and very politely ask them to be a little more quiet while near ponies? I wonder if this is where they will find the Element of Kindness then? Up near the roof?
“Pinkie Senses?” asked Spike.
-"Sense" singular, would be the way they say it in the show, but whichever.
“No silly! Because I believe in Twilight!”
-Awww... and also normality rather than supernatural stuff.
Twilight had a bad feeling about the flying flames. There was something nagging at the back of her brain, something just out of reach.
-Ok, so a genuine threat, not just noisy beasts? Or maybe allies of some fire-based species that might be behind this? I can't see them being the species actually doing this if they weren't attacking the townsfolk. Still, if Fluttershy can handle a cockatrice, then she might still have this. I just hope that the Element doesn't backfire on them like the previous one did.
Unlike the rest of the cave, the section bathed in light appeared to have been artificially created.
-Right, Element incoming? It could have crashed through the rock to make the tunnel... I guess the tunnel was not pre-existing? the Sheriff never said anything about it not being there before? That could mean that the Element really was just glittering in outside light, rather than glowing to call out to them.
It was perfectly circular and smooth. Atop the tall pillar, in its very center was a second, much smaller, column of stone.
-Let's see.... one of them can TK things from dozens of pony-lengths away, and teleport further than that. Another of them can fly. This is ONLY a problem if they get dive-bombed while up there or something. Which probably means they WILL get dive-bombed. Very much looking like this will be the Element of Kindness.
It felt like a trap, like the lake of ice all over again.
-Right, because our heroes aren't complete idjits.
They needed to help the town.
-Getting the Element won't NECESSARILY help the town in the short term. Theoretically it could do zilch. Although I do suspect that the Element may have summoned the fire-creatures.
“It can’t be a coincidence that they are here,”
-Eh, theoretically they could be more linked to the heat-wave than the Element. Narratively unlikely, but in-universe, not a hypothesis to throw away without examination.
“Oh, yeah…” said Spike. “I guess that’s way more likely.”
-Indeed...
“Although, the last time I used my magic, it just made things worse.
-Good point.
And if I drop it…
-Eh, last I checked they are self-reassembling to a good degree... then again, it getting LOST and having to spend even several minutes hunting for it while getting dive bombed is not a tactically desirable thing. This also explains why you needed to keep Dash out of the picture (unless she heroically flies down the shaft somehow, like she did the well in "The Mysterious Mare-Do-Well". Really though, I am seeing Fluttershy's animal powers or maybe even Stare (although that would be hard if they were only attacking HER) getting pitted against the fire-bats or whatever they turn out to be.'
“If we each go to a different side we can distract them,”
-So Pinkie is making sense at the moment, and just explaining things backwards. Still going to be Fluttershy making the actual retrieval, at which point I expect they will find out that Twilight didn't screw up, so much as the Elements are booby-trapped.
“Once they come after you—” Fluttershy gave a squeak of terror “—you’ll need to fly as fast as you can and lead them out. As you come back in, I’ll seal the way behind you, trapping them outside.”
-Rarity's shield will last that long outside Line Of Sight? Also, that is some pretty precision maneuvering and such, not to mention flying faster than the firebats, who we don't know the top speed of. In short, this ought to be pretty dramatic. I take it I forgot that they know that the hole is new and the bats came in through it?
The two beasts split apart, each once chasing after a pony.
-one
The element of loyalty was just sitting there, waiting for her. Twilight didn’t hesitate, she snatched it up in her teeth.
-Ah, so Dash gets to dive through her worst fear to save her friends.
Although the pony she found carrying her seemed even more impossible. Fluttershy. Fluttershy had rescued her.
-Ok, interesting... guess they aren't each going to be instrumental in retrieving their individual elements? Or maybe Twilight's problem was that she was trying to retrieve her OLD element, and they have gotten scrambled by whatever hijacked the sun?
Below her, invisible in the darkness, was an enormous, bottomless, pit, that Twilight doubted very much was bottomless.
-Was the contradiction intentional? I'd put the first "bottomless" in quotes in such a case.
Two large splashes echoed behind them. Steam billowed into the air with a hiss.
-Yeah, a giant pool of water when being chased by fire creatures is... narratively obvious what is going to happen. Also, I wonder if the townsfolk have any ropes long enough to reach the lake? That could keep the whole town alive, although it would take a LOT of pony-hours each day... might not even be worth the sweat now that I think of it. Still, it is an option.
“Stay calm!” shouted Twilight.
-Ah, so the fled pegasi got possessed by fire spirits, and water exorcized them? Or maybe they are true foes, and saving them will earn their loyalty (no, not Loyalty, just loyalty)?
“Where are we, how did we get down here?”
-Possession then.
“But first, do you mind giving us a hoof back up?”
-Ah, I wondered if getting out would be an adventure in and of itself.
“They... are nightmares.”
-So Nightmare Flare may have happened... but I'm REALLY not seeing motive there, unless maybe Discord got involved. Directly killing off all his "toys" isn't his style, but I could see him sitting back and watching the world literally burn... or maybe stepping in when there is only a small breeding population of sapient creatures left.
Re-reading. I'm sick, so I'm not likely to resume commenting much even when I get past where I was before.
Are the torches supposed to be magical DRAGON fire? They are green, like Spike's message fire.
I've finally started reading along, as this has been sitting in my read later list for right around the eighty-year mark. I've been thinking this is a tone-appropriate young-adult fantasy romp with an excellent premise and somewhat simple delivery. Ideas have been really good, it's just been executed in an 'approachable for early teens' style that I typically avoid.
But there are little swaths of genius scattered here and there, and that action scene (Ch. 9) while recovering the Element was a gem among gems. I loved everything from the conception of the plan, through Twilight ignoring Fluttershy's tiny 'no,' to her plan falling apart, to, well, everything! I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. Kudos.
I'll see this adventure through to the end.
It would be pretty difficult for a non-pegasus to reach any of those houses, considering they're carved in rock formations that hang from the ceiling. Perhaps they should have carved them into the stalagmites instead.
Bit of unnecessary redundancy there.
Okay, totally not what I expected, but they don't seem anything like the nightmares of mythology, or even something that might be called a nightmare. When I hear that I think of something like the thestrals from Harry Potter rather than fire creatures. But maybe you can make sense of it. We shall see.