Shadow of the Sun
By Starwin
Chapter 8
Down, down, down the path led, well below the surface. This stairway did not seem likely to go to dungeons nor any part of the castle. From what Twilight could make out ahead of them the only place this narrow stairway seemed to go was into darkness.
Twilight managed to catch up to her friends rather quickly. Even though they had a head start their pace had been cautiously slow. Rarity led the way, her magic pushing back the shadows of the stairs as they went ever deeper. Behind Rarity was Pinkie Pie, then Fluttershy, then Applejack and finally Spike.
Spike looked back as Twilight approached. He shifted a little to his side to look past Twilight and see the empty stairs behind her.
“Where’s Rainbow?” asked Spike.
“She isn’t coming,” replied Twilight.
“Say what now?” asked Applejack, coming to a sudden halt and causing Spike to bump into her. “You just left her behind?”
“I didn’t really have a choice,” said Twilight. “I think Rainbow is claustrophobic.”
“Clost-a-what?” asked Applejack.
“Afraid of small enclosed places,” explained Rarity. “I had no idea. The poor dear, is she going to be alright all alone up there?”
“Maybe some pony should go back and stay with her?” suggest Fluttershy.
“I think she’ll be fine on her own,” said Twilight. “Hopefully we won’t spend too much time down here. We still have a long way to travel after all. Besides, I don’t think we could go back from here if we wanted to. There really isn’t enough room to turn around.”
“I thought that pony wasn’t afraid of anything,” said Applejack, continuing on.
“How do you fight against something the size of a castle?” asked Twilight. “How do you face something intangible? A fear you can feel inside and can’t control?”
As they went deeper the passage narrowed considerably. The bricks that lined the walls were replaced with smooth stone. The ceiling got closer so that it felt like they were squeezing down a narrow hole.
It was a good thing they hadn’t tried to force Rainbow down with them. Even Twilight was feeling nervous as the walls got tighter around her. It was almost like she could feel the weight of the world pressing down from above.
The stairway went on without turn or end. Wherever this tunnel led, it was very deep underground. They had been walking downwards for at least fifteen minutes now. Why did any pony need such a deep down basement? What were they going to find at the end of this path? Twilight desperately hoped it was the ponies of Hoofington and even more desperately, their water.
“I think I see light up ahead,” announced Rarity from the front.
“Good, ‘cause this place is starting to make me feel uncomfortable,” replied Applejack.
“I know what you mean,” said Fluttershy. “I’m starting to wish I had stayed up top with Rainbow.”
The ponies continued their descent. Twilight caught a glimpse of the end of the tunnel. There was a flickering light at the bottom of the stairs. It had to be some kind of fire light, most likely from candles.
As they moved closer, Twilight could hear voices, even if she couldn’t understand the words. She felt relieved that there were ponies down here. This sidetrack hadn’t been for nothing.
The friends were almost at the bottom of the stairs when a pony suddenly appeared in the doorway, blocking their path. The light was bright at the pony’s back and Twilight could only see a silhouette.
“Who’s there!” called the pony, his voice weary. “Stay where you are!”
“Hello,” said Rarity as she came to a stop. “We have come such a long way and we were wondering if we might have some of your water. You see our…”
“No,” interrupted the pony flatly. “We can’t take in any more ponies.”
“We aint looking for a place to stay,” replied Applejack. “We just need some supplies.”
“Please,” said Twilight, “We’ve come all the way from Ponyville and we…”
“Wait, you came from Ponyville?” asked the colt.
“Yes,” said Twilight. “We were carrying our own water but it sort of evaporated. It’s a long story…”
“Seven chapters to be exact, oh, eight now,” said Pinkie.
“That’s impossible,” said the colt at the bottom of the stairs. “No pony could have made the trip from Ponyville. Who are you?”
“If you let us come down, we’ll explain everything,” said Twilight. The colt was quiet for a long time but at last nodded.
“Alright, but don’t try anything funny. I’m not alone down here,” said the colt.
Cautiously, the friends descended the last several dozen steps until they reached the exit at the bottom. The stairs came out in a fairly large circular tunnel. Candles had been placed along the walls to provide light.
The small space was packed with ponies. Not just a few dozen but more than a hundred. It seemed they had found the entire township of Hoofington all stuffed into this small spot. How they had been living like this, Twilight couldn’t fathom. Ponies were pressed up against each other with hardly any personal space.
Twilight and her friends stood at the far end. The front most ponies had backed away leaving a small gap between the two groups.
“My stars, would you look at them all?” whispered Applejack. “What are y’all doing crammed in down here?”
“I’ll ask the questions, thank you,” said a rust colored colt with a redish mane. It was the same one that had shouted to them in the tunnel. His flank bore a six pointed star with a lasso around it.
“And who are you?” asked Spike. The colt glared at the dragon but Spike held his ground.
“I’m the Sheriff of this town, the names Long Star,” said the colt. “I am charged with helping keep the town safe. Now just who are you ponies and what are you doing here?”
“Like I said,” explained Twilight. “We came from Ponyville. We’re just passing through. I know this is a difficult time for everypony. I know what we are asking for is a precious resource but we desperately need it. We haven’t had any water for almost a day now and...”
“Oh you poor dears,” said one of the older mare’s nearby. “Sheriff, maybe we can just let them have a little bit…”
“Alright, just a little bit,” replied Long Star. He made a motion and some of the ponies came forward, bearing canteens of water. Twilight and her friends gladly took the offering. It took all of Twilight’s effort not to drain the whole thing in one gulp.
“I’m truly sorry that I can’t offer you more,” continued Long Star as he watched the thirsty ponies drink. “But I have a whole town to keep safe here. We don’t know how long this is all going to last and with things the way they are… well… lets just say our options have become limited.”
“Now hold on a minute,” said a golden coated unicorn mare with a contrasting silver mane. She had two rings on her flank, one gold and one silver. “I’ve been going outside to get water for days now. If these ponies came all the way from Ponyville, maybe they could help us!”
“You might be right, Glinting Rings,” said Long Star. “Would you be willing to stay and help us?” Twilight frowned slightly.
“We’re sort of in a hurry,” said Twilight. “We’re on our way towards Canterlot and…”
“To Canterlot?” asked Long Star harshly. “You’re headed to Canterlot?”
“Yep,” exclaimed Pinkie Pie. “We’re going to save Equestria!”
“Save Equestria?” repeated the Sheriff in surprise. A whispered murmur spread across the gathered ponies. “Just who are you anyhow?” His eyes swept across the new comers as if he might have missed something important about them.
“Well,” said Twilight. She lifted a hoof and pointed to each of her friends in turn. “This is Applejack and Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie…”
“Hello!” exclaimed Pinkie.
“…and Rarity and Spike,” explained Twilight. “And my name is Twilight Sparkle.”
“You’re Twilight Sparkle! Oh, of course you are! How did I not see it!” stammered Glinting Rings. “I’m Glinting Rings!” she repeated. “Uh, you already know that. I’m sorry, I’m just so nervous! I mean you’re Celestia’s personal protégée!”
“Uh, so I take it you’ve heard of me,” said Twilight with a strained smile. It was rare that any pony knew who she was, let alone that she was Celestia’s student. With the exception of her friends in Ponyville, Twilight kept mostly to herself.
“Ha, heard of you!” said a gray earth pony, “she won’t stop talking about you. How you’d come and save us. How you’d use that awesome magic of yours to fix everything.” Glinting Rings looked at the ground, her cheeks turning red.
“Oh,” said Twilight simply, she was at a loss for words.
“Look everypony,” said Applejack, stepping forward. “We can’t fix everything…”
“I knew it,” said the same gray pony.
“… But that doesn’t mean we aint trying to,” continued Applejack, giving the earth pony a harsh stare. “We are on our way to Canterlot right now. We’re gona talk to the Princess and get this all sorted out.”
“And what good is talking going to do?” asked Long Star. “If the Princess could fix this, she would have by now.” There were whispered murmurs of agreement.
Twilight could feel things starting to go wrong. These ponies were scared, terrified even. And they were right to be. Nopony knew what was happening, not even Twilight and her friends.
“Listen up everypony!” shouted Twilight, putting a halt to the growing fear in the conversation at hand. “I promise we will find a way to fix this! I promise we will do everything in our power to make things right! But you can’t give up hope. You can’t give in to fear! Now, more than ever, you have to stand together. Not just as ponies but as friends!”
The murmurs in the crowd changed. Twilight could hear agreement in the tone if not the words. It was working.
“Me and my friends, we stopped Nightmare moon,” continued Twilight. “Friendship held us together when her trickery tried to tear us apart.” There was a cheer this time, led by Glinting Rings.
“Me and my friends, we defeated Discord, even when he pitted us against each other!” The cheer was louder this time.
“Me and my friends,” the crowd of ponies cheered, the loudest so far. “We stopped the changeling Queen, even when thousands of her minions changed into copies of us and fought us in a really confusing battle, also, Pinkie used me as a unicorn cannon, and I guess, really, my brother and sister-in-law actually defeated her…”
There was an uncertain cheer at this last part, some of the ponies gave each other confused looks.
“… But friendship is what we all need right now!” Twilight pressed on, getting her pep talk back on track. “Look at the pony next to you, they aren’t just your neighbor anymore, they are your friend. Trust in them, believe in them and you will get each other through this!”
The crowd cheered again, hooves stomped on the ground.
“We will find a way to fix the Sun! We will find a way to save Equestria!”
The loudest cheering and shouting yet erupted from the crowd of ponies. Some of them began to chant Twilight’s name.
“Very well said, Twilight,” complemented Rarity with a smile. Twilight blushed a little.
“It’s what they needed to hear,” replied Twilight quietly.
“Thank you Twilight!” cried Glinting Rings, her eyes wet, the speech obviously moving her to tears. “I knew you could do it! I knew you would come through.”
“Those were some nice words, I’ll admit,” said Long Star. “But words aren’t going to fix the Sun. And words aren’t going to solve our problem.”
“What problem is that?” asked Fluttershy. The room went suddenly quiet. All of the ponies stared at her and some of them started to whisper. Fluttershy looked embarrassed.
“You’ll have to excuse them ma’am,” said Long Star. “Up until yesterday, we were not stuck in this part of the cave. We fled here after something attacked us. We’ve been holed up here ever since but… this is no way for a pony to live…” None of the ponies interrupted. “If you really are as great as Glinting Rings thinks you are, then we need your help.” He nodded to Glinting Rings.
“Everypony move aside!” shouted Glinting Rings to the crowd. It took her several repeats of the shout but finally there was just enough space for them to squeeze past. Glinting Rings led the way. Twilight and her friends followed in a single file line. Long Star brought up the end of the precession.
Twilight glanced around at the ponies packed into the tunnel. They were of all ages, young and old, big and small, mares and colts, unicorns and earth ponies… unicorns and earth ponies… Where were all the pegasi? There didn’t seem to be even one among them.
Twilight was distracted from her musings of missing pegasi when she realized that all of the eyes in the crowd were fixed upon her. Normally, having everypony looking at her would have made Twilight uncomfortable, but she held her head up high, trying to look as impressive as she could. She hadn’t studied magic with Celestia for years and not learned anything about presence. Her speech would mean nothing if she couldn’t act the part of the savior.
Her heart dropped a little in her chest. The question now was acting the part the only thing she could do. She hated to admit it but the earth pony in the crowd had been right, what would they do when they got to Canterlot. How would talking to Celestia fix any of this? Would they even be able to… to talk to Celestia?
Luckily they had moved beyond the crowd when Twilight finally lost her confidence in her own words. Her thoughts turned back to her teacher. She hadn’t thought about her since before they had left Ponyville, how could she have let that happen. Shouldn’t she be worried about the Princess above everything else? The truth was, there was simply too much to worry about to just think about her mentor.
“Where are we going?” asked Twilight, finally becoming aware that they were walking deeper into the underground area far beneath the castle. She hadn’t been paying attention at all. How long had they been walking? How far had they gone, how much longer was this going to take?
“It’s not too much further now,” said Glinting Rings, still leading the way. “We had to move as far back into the tunnel as we could to stay away from… well… you’ll see.”
The friends exchanged worried looks.
“So, you said you came all the way from Ponyville and you intend to get to Canterlot,” said Long Star as they walked.
“That’s right,” answered Applejack. “It’s a long way by hoof, so that’s why we’re itching to get a move on.”
“How exactly?” asked the Sheriff. “So far, Glinting Rings here is the only one of us that’s been able to go outside.”
“Are you talented with magic?” asked Rarity. Glinting looked back and blushed a little but shook her head.
“Uh, no,” said Glinting Rings. “Actually, my shield spell isn’t very good at all. But I’m the town smith so I am used to really intense heat. Up until the last couple of days I’ve been able to make the trip to the storehouse and back with very little magical aid. It’s been a lot harder these past few days.”
“Well,” said Twilight. “I can manage the shield spell fairly well on my own but Ponyville to Hoofington is a stretch even for me. Luckily, we discovered that Rarity and I could combine our magic to protect us against the Sun.”
“Combined your magic?” asked Glinting Rings with curiosity.
“Yes,” said Twilight. “It makes keeping up a larger shield much easier. I can teach it to you if you like.” Glinting Rings came to an abrupt stop and Twilight nearly collided with her. The golden mare turned around to look at Twilight. From the expression on her face and the tears in her eyes, Twilight might have very well said she was setting the Sun for her.
The whole group came to a stop in the tunnel.
“Really?” asked Glinting Rings. “You would teach me a spell?”
“Sure,” said Twilight with a strained smile. “It you want to learn it.”
“Yes!” said Glinting Rings excitedly. “Yes, yes, yes, yes…”
“Okay,” interrupted Twilight. “Come stand next to me.” The other unicorn let out a squeal of delight and rushed next to Twilight so that they stood side-by-side. The golden unicorn was practically shaking with anticipation. “Now, cast your shield spell.”
Glinting Rings horn began to glow with light and an orange-ish aura of magic spread out around the golden unicorn. It wasn’t the strongest shield Twilight had ever seen, but it was cast correctly and it would repel the heat of the sun.
Taking a calming breath, Twilight’s own horn glowed with magic. The shield spell expanded around her, shimmering with purple light.
“Now,” explained Twilight, “we just have to move closer together until the spells touch.”
Twilight took half a step towards Glinting Rings and as she did a blaze of red sparks sprayed into the air. Instantly, Twilight knew something was wrong. She tried to stop the spell but she couldn’t. The two shields pushed against each other, the point of contact burning white hot. A moment later, with a crack that shook the stone tunnel, the two ponies were flung apart.
Twilight crashed into her friends, while Glinting was flung across the ground, skidding along the stone. Long Star rushed to her aid.
“Twilight! Are you alright?” cried Spike in concern. Twilight’s head was spinning and her body was a little sore but nothing seemed to be broken. Long Star was helping Glinting Rings back to her hooves, she seemed to be a bit dazed but otherwise uninjured.
“I think I’m fine,” said Twilight getting back to her hooves. “What happened? Why didn’t it work?”
“I have no idea,” said Rarity, glancing between the two ponies. “It looked like you did everything correctly.” Glinting was coming back over too them, helped by Long Star. The other unicorn looked a little unsteady on her hooves.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” apologized Glinting Ring’s.
“No, that should have worked,” said Twilight. “I don’t understand…” Twilight trailed off as a thought occurred to her. “No… that can’t be right…”
“What?” asked Glinting Rings, “what can’t be right? Did I do something wrong?”
“I want to try one more time,” said Twilight. She hoped that she was wrong about what she was thinking. Glinting looked a little hesitant after what had just happened but finally nodded. She made towards Twilight but Twilight shook her head. “No, this time I want you and Rarity to try casting the shield spell.” Rarity raised an eyebrow.
“I guess I can,” said Rarity. She and Glinting Rings moved closer together and the other ponies backed away slightly.
Once in place Rarity’s horn began to glow, as did Glinting’s. Shield spells formed around them. Rarity stepped closer but Twilight could already tell it wasn’t going to work. The two shields flickered dangerously and red sparks erupted into the air. Any moment the two ponies would be flung apart.
Acting quickly, Twilight used her magic to move the two ponies apart. The shield spell flickered and collapsed but neither pony was tossed away.
“Oh my,” said Rarity. “That was unpleasant.”
“It looks like I’m right,” said Twilight, a worried expression on her face. “It doesn’t seem like the spell works with any unicorns except for Rarity and myself.”
“Why not?” asked Long Star. Twilight shook her head.
“I wish I knew,” said Twilight. “I’m not even sure how it works in the first place. I’ve never read anything about the shield spell ever being combined in any of my books. I’m sorry,” said Twilight. She wasn’t sure if she preferred ‘I’m sorry’ over ‘I don’t know.’ Over the last couple of days she seemed to be using both phrases a lot. “I don’t think I can teach you that.” Glinting Rings looked incredibly sad. “But maybe we can still help you with your other problem.”
The golden unicorn nodded and the group resumed their trot down the tunnel. It wasn’t much longer before the passage opened up into a huge natural cavern. It was like nothing Twilight had ever seen before. The area was so tall that she couldn’t see the ceiling above. The only indication that there even was a ceiling was a tiny hole so far away that it looked like a little star. The cave was so wide that she thought most of the town above might fit inside it.
In fact, there were actually houses down here, like a very tiny town. It sat near the entrance to the cave but couldn’t have extended more than one tenth of the way into its full space. Green flame torches bathed the whole subterranean town in an eerier emerald hue.
“What is this place?” asked Twilight.
“Neat, huh?” said Glinting Rings. “This is the largest chamber in a series of natural caves that run all over the town. We’ve never explored them all. Some of the passages go on for ever and ever. Others drop strait down into blackness and no pony has ever been to the bottom.”
“The castle was built directly above it by my great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather,” explained Long Star from behind them. “He discovered the entrance to the caves and got lost in them when he was a little foal. He spent a month in this chamber. When he finally got out, he had become so accustom to the caves that he wanted to go back.
“So, he built the stairway down to them so he could visit whenever he wanted. I think he actually spent pretty much the rest of his life down here. He was a strange pony.”
“Yeah, this is really impressive,” agreed Twilight. “But, uh, we are kind of in a hurry to save Equestria, don’t you think you could have just told me about it?”
“Oh, no,” said Glinting Rings with a shake of her silver mane. “No, the cave isn’t what we wanted to show you…”
A painful screech rent the air. Twilight put a hoof over her ears, although it did little good to dampen the sound. Several other screeches echoed the first.
“What is that!” cried Fluttershy in terror over the sound of the screeching.
“That’s our problem,” shouted Long Star. The colt was holding out a hoof and pointing into the distance. Two dancing tiny flames raced around the darkness of the cave, leaving trails of fire behind them. Twilight had never seen anything like it… or had she… there was something oddly familiar about them. She just couldn’t place her hoof on it.
“What they hay are those things?” yelled Applejack, still covering her ears. As abruptly as it had started, the screeching stopped.
“We aren’t really sure,” said Glinting Rings. “They showed up a few days ago and started attacking us. We had to move everypony out of the main cave to keep them safe. And there is something else.” She led them forward, up a slight incline to give them a better view of the shadowy depths of the enormous cave.
“That hole in the roof appeared about a week ago,” continued Glinting Rings. She pointed her hoof up at the ceiling to the distant stream of light. “I think that’s how whatever those things are got in here.”
Twilight’s gaze followed where Glinting Rings was pointing, but something else caught her eye. There was something on the floor of the cave. A spot, that glinted like a diamond in the light. Twilight felt her eyes widen slightly.
“So, we can’t come back in the cave with those things flying around like that,” explained Long Star. “It just isn’t safe. But, since you all are big shot adventures, maybe you could lend us a hoof. After all, you did have some mighty fine words for us.”
“Yes,” said Twilight her eyes fixed on the distant gleam of light. “We will help you.”
I really like this story , however I implore you not to do this:
“Seven chapters to be exact, oh, eight now,” said Pinkie.
It breaks the flow of the story, it breaks the reader out of the story, and it no longer has the humour payoff that might have made it worth it to do in the past.
I am really looking forward to the next chapter.
That made me laugh sooooo hard :D
That pinkie pie statement was...odd. Other than that, nice work.
I think Pinkie Pie jokes work better in more relaxed situations, in private.
Hey, I just thought of another one:
(Joke) Alt. Title: The Sun Never Sets At Midnight
...Insert joke about you being featured here...
So, does anyone else get the feeling the thing shining on the bottom of the cave is an element of harmony, that's evidently responsible for the hole on the floor and the weird shrieking fires?
I'm guessing the creatures may be Luna's guards who have lost it after the constant day time.
let me guess Rainbow's EOH is there.
2052326 Ninja'd damn
Great story though...
Oh, I see. Only the magic of the Element bearers can safely combine without exploding.
2055239 Bwuhmffaahahaha
That would be cute if they weren't in such an unpleasant situation. Poor ponies.
should be
I was getting a little annoyed with Twilight and the others for forgetting to mention Rainbow Dash. She's still upstairs and needs water, you dolts! Although it did generate a scene in my head:
I'm also a tiny bit put off by Glinting Rings' name. Do so many Equestrian signatures have to be phrases? It gets almost as bad as pun names sometimes. Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash are all good examples of word combinations that sound good without being nouns modified by adjectives. I'm just gonna call her Glinty.
I don't want to be accused of bringing up Spike'e merit every single review, but I do feel Twilight should have mentioned his victory against King Sombra when he helped save the Crystal Empire from enslavement. It would have been a strong example, and he was right there next to her within easy reach. Twilight missed a good opportunity to inspire.
Can you really keep this pace up long enough to go through the recovering of all six Elements? If you can I'll be impressed. And envious.
2052326
I use fourth-wall-jokes sparingly (this being the only time in the entirety of the story). It just fit too well with Twilight's dialog and made me smile every time I went through it. I don't really understand the dissatisfaction with the line, similar jokes exist within the show and the fandom, maybe just fatigue with the concept?
In any case, it doesn't impact the story in any way. If it really bugs you though, you can always imagine that Pinkie is keeping a journal of this road trip and her chapters just happened to coincide with the actual story.
The flame things are the remains of dead Pegasi. Calling it now.
2055544
Thank you for the suggestion, although I think I will leave the comma. I, can, never, have, enough!
Can't comment on RD without writing spoilers (after several attempts) but I thought your scene was pretty funny.
Not every name can be a winner. It was a first draft name that just sort of stuck and it's never bothered me.
So, there is a very good (and slightly subtle) reason that Twilight didn't bring up the stuff in the Crystal Empire. I wrote most of this story before season 3 started. I decided to stick with season 2 as my base, instead of trying to update for season 3.
Only time will tell if this story completely destroys me or not, the last one came pretty close. For the moment, it's just editing week to week but I may move back to weekend releases because Thursday is just really rough on me.
2056410 Yeah, I see that. Admittedly, I'm going to end up having to ignore Season 3 whenever I get around to writing this fanfic in which Spike becomes a Kick-Ass style superhero.
I also see that there are people who were bugged a little by Pinkie's fourth wall breaking. Figured I'd balance the argument out by adding that it doesn't bother me in the slightest. If Deadpool can break the fourth wall in the canon Marvel universe, Pinkie can do so in an MLP fanon universe.
Ooh another element and another guardian/challenge/puzzle for it. Willing to bet they need Dash for this.
Curious about the pegasi though. Hope they remember to ask.
A little awkwardness in the dialogue early on in this chapter.
Also:
holed
2056344
It's a clever line, and would work well in a different story.
Basically, it knocks me out of my headspace I'm in the cave with the cast, waiting to see what's next and then I'm back in front of my computer because Pinkie has forced me there by addressing the screen -
Indiana jones is trying to escape the jungle temple and his assistant goes "throw me the idol, I'll throw you the whip," then Indiana turns to the screen and says "have the director tell you to throw me the whip!" All of the dramatic tension that has been building up, all the drama that I am immersed in suddenly vanishes into thin air and I am instead back in my living room wondering why I am watching this.
You have so far written your story as a dramatic adventure with life and death at stake, not as though it was a standard episode or as a story labeled "random" on fimfic. 4th wall breaking in this story seems much more jarring than it does in an episode or a light comedy story.
Pinkie should still be Pinkie, she should be finding humour and trying to make ponies laugh. What she shouldn't be doing is trying to make ME laugh, at least not in the kind of story that you have been writing.
2056945
Corrected, thank you
2057213
You do have an excellent (and well explained) point. As I said, it is the only time in the story. There isn't much sense for me to change it now that 99% of the people who are going to read it have and I can't make people who have read it un-read it.
I still like it and don't find it quiet as jarring, although, coming from the view of the person writing it I would say my perspective is a bit skewed to start with. But you do have a valid argument against it and I can safely say there are no additional moments like it... right Pinkie?
Shouldn't there be a question mark there, instead of that comma?
Back onto talking about the story, I wonder what the flames are. Nice that you added a goal to the ponies other than going to Canterlot. Can't wait for the next one!
2064028
Corrected, thank you
2077896
Good to see you back, as well as your detailed comments. Attempting a new response format, not sure how good it will look, but I am always up for trying something new!
-Re-establishing a scene is always a good idea. Epically in a format where readers can’t necessarily read through it in one sitting (since it isn’t all posted yet).
-Can’t say what it is, because, you know, spoilers.
-That is Twilight’s perspective on it.
-As above, she already believes she knows when.
-Mostly because it made for a really fun scene and created and interesting juxtaposition.
(yay, I didn’t even have to add dots!)
-Originally they didn’t stop for a rest here but they really needed to considering how little they get along the journey.
-No, no, no, no, no (asterisk)
-Maybe.
-I think pinkie has more than enough energy in her to cast the spell over the planet. Too bad she can’t use magic.
Can't wait for the rest!
SPOILER ALERT!!!
-I lost a lot of comments on this chapter to computer and personal organizational woes. What I remember was thinking that you had them split up to make a fight by either Dash or the rest of them more interesting. I also thought that they might barter fetching some water with the shielding spell, or maybe some pick-axes (they might have one in their stores, plus getting more from around town) so that the room could be enlarged, with the bathroom breakers and water fetchers carrying the fill up with them.
It was rare that any pony knew who she was, let alone that she was Celestia’s student. With the exception of her friends in Ponyville, Twilight kept mostly to herself.
-Good attempt at explanation.
How you’d come and save us. How you’d use that awesome magic of yours to fix everything.
-Interesting she didn't recognize her... I guess she might not have been sleeping well, especially if you don't give Ponies the ability to sleep standing up (which RL horses are one of the few/only hooved animals that can do... even cows just sorta doze standing up).
“If the Princess could fix this, she would have by now.”
-True, but the Elemental Harmony Blast can do things even the Princesses can't. Plus Twilight might be a significant enough contribution to knocking out a China Syndroming Princess Celestia to tip the balance if she worked with Luna (and maybe Shining Armor if he exists, perhaps by protecting Luna and Twilight from the heat while they work).
“Listen up everypony!” shouted Twilight, putting a halt to the growing fear in the conversation at hand. “I promise we will find a way to fix this! I promise we will do everything in our power to make things right! But you can’t give up hope. You can’t give in to fear! Now, more than ever, you have to stand together. Not just as ponies but as friends!”
-Ah, there is are little "all team organizer (Winter Wrap-Up)". I wonder if you might get a little more drama out of this by moving the statement that this attempt succeeds to a sentence AFTER she gives her little speech? Then again, that might be a bit clumsy?
The murmurs in the crowd changed. Twilight could hear agreement in the tone if not the words. It was working.
-Ok, this isn't clumsy. I would remove the earlier phrase "putting a halt to the growing fear in the conversation at hand."
Me and my friends, we stopped Nightmare moon,
-"My friends and I stopped Nightmare Moon," is both more humble and more grammatically correct (and Twilight strikes me as erudite enough to have excellent grammar).
“Me and my friends, we defeated Discord, even when he pitted us against each other!”
-See above.
“Me and my friends,” the crowd of ponies cheered, the loudest so far. “We stopped the changeling Queen,
-Well, I guess there is ONE slight advantage to that phrasing, namely that by placing the emphasis on herself, she focuses on the hero who was singled out by Glinting Rings... still doesn't really work for me. Anyway, I am reminded that Shining Armor DOES exist. Keep in mind my reading of this is spread out over weeks.
even when thousands of her minions changed into copies of us and fought us in a really confusing battle, also, Pinkie used me as a unicorn cannon, and I guess, really, my brother and sister-in-law actually defeated her
-Extraneous detail and trailing off on a self-correction... actually fits her?
“Look at the pony next to you, they aren’t just your neighbor anymore, they are your friend. Trust in them, believe in them and you will get each other through this!”
-Is this rephrased from any particular historical speech?
Up until yesterday, we were not stuck in this part of the cave. We fled here after something attacked us.
-Ah, monster vanquishing... much more interesting of a plot than fetching pick-axes or water. Possibility of Diamond Dogs, and maybe Empress Rarity, Tyrant of the Underdark can convince them to dig for the next town... I imagine the Diamond Dogs can't eat gems like Dragons do, and they probably need water... so it is in their best interests to help resolve the crisis. I imagine that either Rarity could do some gem locating, or that the Diarchs would compensate them... I wonder if crystals from The Crystal Empire would be a very rare commodity to them?
Where were all the pegasi?
-Interesting... maybe all pegasi are claustrophobic (Fluttershy doesn't count... she's an earth-pony with wings, and besides which has had years of sticking her head down animal burrows to acclimate). I can't think of any underground dwelling creature singling out pegasi to kill/capture. Maybe they were just the weakest fighters in situations with a low roof keeping them from fighting in three dimensions? Maybe they got killed/captured trying to retake territory across an underground chasm, or fighting flying enemies in a huge cavern that the tunnel will lead into? Or maybe they just all flew off early on to try to get more clouds, and the heat reached the point where they couldn't return before they could make it back? Or ditto for simply searching for news or maybe using pegasus powers to turn scattered ponds into clouds to shuttle water back to the city?
Twilight was distracted from her musings of missing pegasi when she realized that all of the eyes in the crowd were fixed upon her.
-Or maybe they were picked as hostages in a nasty peace negotiation? They would be the least able to contribute to further defense, and I could see Long Star (a bit of a weak name BTW I think).
She hadn’t studied magic with Celestia for years and not learned anything about presence.
-Indeed.
The question now was acting the part the only thing she could do.
-Believe it or not, I think that you should have two "was"'s in a row.
How would talking to Celestia fix any of this? Would they even be able to… to talk to Celestia?
-Eh, Luna is pretty on the ball when it comes to stuff like this I should think. Actually, Celestia could be dead, and you are going to have Twilight be her replacement... although that runs into the problem of that teams of unicorns used to move the sun, so unless it is a dead art (which I can't see a contingency planner like Celestia allowing it to be) then things should never have gotten this bad. Maybe if Celestia is delirious and only will let FAMILIAR magic touch the sun? Certainly not the ex-Nightmare Moon's magic (hey, I SAID delirious... she might think she is back during the War of the Moon). That doesn't quite explain the first letter, which was by Celestia, and told them not to come to Canterlot.
Shouldn’t she be worried about the Princess above everything else?
-"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one." Perfectly good ranking of priorities, although I can understand her feeling guilty for not thinking of her at all.
The truth was, there was simply too much to worry about to just think about her mentor.
-Very much so.
How long had they been walking? How far had they gone, how much longer was this going to take?
-Leading them into an ambush to deliver Fluttershy? Probably not, he doesn't seem mercenary enough. Although, if whatever it is IS selectively targeting pegasi, then my earlier thoughts about Rainbow Dash getting ambushed could be correct. Whatever it is can probably find other paths to the surface.
“It’s not too much further now,” said Glinting Rings, still leading the way.
-Oops... definitely not intentionally leading them into a trap. My brain must not be working right if I forgot who was leading them.
But I’m the town smith so I am used to really intense heat.
-Well, that could help SOME... might also mean she has practice with heat-shielding spell, especially reflective ones, since a shiny surface that can't melt or get dirty would increase the efficiency of a forge, since at those temperatures most of the heat transfer is by radiation, rather than convection or conduction.
It’s been a lot harder these past few days.
-Right, things are getting worse... although maybe things weren't as bad here as they were in Ponyville? Is something targeting the Mane Six so that the worst of the heat is within 100 miles of them or whatever? It can't be removing the Element of Magic, since that didn't happen that long ago I don't THINK... they spent one night in a small cave I think?
Luckily, we discovered that Rarity and I could combine our magic to protect us against the Sun.
-Right, important to mention this, and it will be interesting to see if it works only for good friends, any two unicorns, or if you also have to be an Element Bearer (meaning that only Rarity and Twilight can pair up to do it).
“Really?” asked Glinting Rings. “You would teach me a spell?”
-Fangirl!
“It you want to learn it.”
-It is so incredibly useful in the current situation, I can't see why she WOULDN'T. Also, the spell itself isn't the trick... I guess maybe Glinting Rings might not know that specific spell? Twilight may be assuming the boost only works with that particular spell, rather than it being purely a Friendship thing. Which is actually quite possible now that I think of it.
The other unicorn let out a squeal of delight and rushed next to Twilight so that they stood side-by-side.
-You are really going to have the learning be that fast? I would think that would just be Twilight's thing. Then again, you gotta start somewhere, even if it is going to take a few hours of practice. This may also tell us if it works for any two unicorns.
“Now, cast your shield spell.”
-Oh, just teaching the technique (which is so simple it doesn't really need a demonstration per se... provided it works in the first place).
Twilight took half a step towards Glinting Rings and as she did a blaze of red sparks sprayed into the air. Instantly, Twilight knew something was wrong.
-Ok, so not just any two unicorns. Interesting that it back-fired, rather than being a "And the sum is no greater than its parts, you just have two overlapping auras that don't interact with eachother." thing. Or it could be just a matter of "frequencies of magic have to match" and Rarity and Twilight's happen to. I wonder if Glinting Rings has been replaced by a changeling? They might be trying to get pegasus slaves who can be forced to fly short hops on the way back to The Hive.
Twilight trailed off as a thought occurred to her. “No… that can’t be right…”
-Hypothesis incoming... might be Friendship, or even linked to Element Bearing. Not sure why Twilight is incredulous, but I suppose that the only examples of Friendship actually influencing unicorn magic in a measurable way are the EoH and The Fire of Friendship that drove away the Windigoes... actually, that makes me think, maybe this heatwave is the result of experiments on Windigoes that swapped them from Icy to Firey and maybe even actually empowered by Friendship (and thus why Celestia would want to keep the Bearers away, and why the Elements would have been violently ejected from Canterlot)? ...Nah, probably not... that would mean that they had defeated blackmailed Celestia, which would be a bit too complex since you could have Dragons do the same thing... I guess that doesn't mean it COULDN'T be what is happening.
“No, this time I want you and Rarity to try casting the shield spell.” Rarity raised an eyebrow.
-Well, that is good use of trying to negate sources of experimental error...
Acting quickly, Twilight used her magic to move the two ponies apart.
-I thought for a second she was going to try it three-way to see if that stabilized it.
“I’m not even sure how it works in the first place. I’ve never read anything about the shield spell ever being combined in any of my books. I’m sorry,”
-Oh, yeah... that was mentioned earlier... must be Friendship, if not Bearer thing.
She wasn’t sure if she preferred ‘I’m sorry’ over ‘I don’t know.’
-Nice bit of characterization.
The area was so tall that she couldn’t see the ceiling above.
-Ok, so a flying enemy that the pegasi went against, and lost to. Which would explain why you needed to keep RD out of this, since she could probably take a good number of them on herself. Could still be changelings, since they have wings and can climb even smooth pillars.
In fact, there were actually houses down here, like a very tiny town.
-Several possibilities come to mind:
--Pre-existing pony settlements that were in use when the crisis started.
--Built during the current crisis.
--Belong to the enemy (or some ancient builders)?
-Going to post this now, in case of further computer problems.
SPOILER ALERT!!!
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Green flame torches bathed the whole subterranean town in an eerier emerald hue.
-Dragon fire? Or some other sort of magical fire?
Others drop strait down into blackness and no pony has ever been to the bottom.
-Balrog incoming? j/k.
He spent a month in this chamber.
-What did he eat? Mushrooms I guess? I guess this explains the reason there are buildings down here.
I think he actually spent pretty much the rest of his life down here. He was a strange pony.
-Nah, there were other, more secret entrances. He was the first Batcolt.
--As with the Balrog thing, not so serious.
Twilight put a hoof over her ears, although it did little good to dampen the sound.
-Bat-like foes. Confirms my guess that the Pegasi were the front-liners when it came to a fight, and thus the ones to get captured (probably not killed, since this seems a much more light-hearted story than that).
Two dancing tiny flames raced around the darkness of the cave, leaving trails of fire behind them.
-Fire-bats? Those are a D&D monster. Some people like to say that Equestria has half the D&D monster manual (and it doesn't hurt that Hasbro owns D&D since about five or ten years ago). I think it is more about drawing on Greco-Roman mythology, but that doesn't mean I have any objection to firebats, whatever their inspiration would be for you. In any case, the flame-trails are probably like RD's Rainbow trail, but that doesn't mean they might not HURT to fly through.
Twilight had never seen anything like it… or had she… there was something oddly familiar about them.
-Spitfire? RD? Or has she seen an illustration or read a description she can't quite remember.
“We aren’t really sure,” said Glinting Rings. “They showed up a few days ago and started attacking us.
-So not even a physical description?
“I think that’s how whatever those things are got in here.”
-Dug by Diamond Dogs, the creatures themselves, or another element crashing down like a meteor? Or perhaps earth that had been moist for centuries dried out and resulting in a collapse? That last seems geologically improbable, but I wouldn't know.
A spot, that glinted like a diamond in the light. Twilight felt her eyes widen slightly.
-Element ahoy! So they are going to different themes of nature: The first was either water, ice, cold, or magic. This one is either earth, fire, or linked into Fluttershy's animal affinity. I just hope that removing it doesn't cause a backlash like the first one did.
But, since you all are big shot adventures, maybe you could lend us a hoof.
-Maybe they are transformed pegasi? I would think that Long Star would mention that. Firebolts instead of Thunder/Shadowbolts?
I'm guessing those are some kind of fire spirits or fairies or something of that nature, because I don't remember seeing anything of that description in the show or even any other fanfiction. But I guess I'll have to wait and see.
I bet that glinting thing on the ground is another of the Elements. This, of course, brings up the question once again of who put the Elements where they are, how, and why. I can still only guess.
For the shield thing, I bet Rarity and Twilight can do it because they have a deep connection through the Elements. But I take offense as a scientifically-minded person at Twilight concluding that she and Rarity are the only ponies in Equestria that can do that. She simply can't have enough of a data set to say that for sure, especially since she didn't already know when she first observed the phenomenon that it shouldn't work.
And I'm still waiting on that Trixie tag to come into play.