• Member Since 20th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen April 24th

Lord_Bale


T

For centuries the Ten Legions of Equestria have stood as a bulwark against those seeking to destroy Equestria. From the lowest trainee to the Captain of the Guard, all are ready to lay down their lives for her security. However peace has more or less reigned for the past few decades and no vigilance can be eternally kept. Contracted by a mysterious employer, a team of griffin mercenaries has infiltrated Equestria to assassinate a pony. The simple attempt on one life will alter the fate of a thousand ponies.

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So this is my first story and I'm hoping to eventually make a series out of it. I'd appreciate any reviews or critiques to let me know what I need to improve on.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 5 )

I found it very interesting and entertaining. I like the looks of this story. How would you like an editor? I've been looking for work and a partnership. Also I have to point out there need to be commas were im about to put them. ' black griffon, with a scarred face and eye patch, approached ' that was a descriptive prepositional phrase so there needed to be commas. :pinkiehappy:

Yay griffins!

I like how you made them have at least some dimension, some motive other than greed for accepting the mission.

But, I see that there are quite a lot of points where you're missing commas, and where sentence flow could be better. BM305 above can help you with that.

I also noticed that, although you started off describing the tavern well, the descriptions sort of tapered off? Introduce the sights of a drunken pony / cheering group, the smell of alcohol, the din of a party above, etc.

You have a lot of potential. Don't waste it.

1785367 I'd love to have an editor. I was always god awful at grammar and probably always will be. I will confess that my updates will be sporadic. I'm in ROTC and currently enrolled in college so I may not always be pumping out chapters but if you're willing than that would be great.

1785407 First thanks for the encouragement, second I'll make sure to keep up with the descriptions, and third I'll will definetly get an editor to help with my gramar. I really must stress how much I appreciate your advice.

So what you should do is make Collis the central character because I like that name. And clearly, whatever I say goes.

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