• Member Since 22nd Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen 47 minutes ago

The Fiery Joker


E

This is the story of an ordinary little filly named Sunny Smile. She was not faster, or stronger, or more clever than other children. Her family was not rich, nor powerful, nor well-connected. In fact, they barely had enough to eat. Sunny Smile was the luckiest filly in the entire world.

She just didn't know it yet.

When a surprise from a renowned candymaker shocks the entire world, will Sunny have a chance to experience it?

My Little Pony / Willy Wonka crossover.

This story will have elements implemented from the original novel by Roald Dahl, the 1971 Stewart version, and the 2005 Burton version, and some original content for good measure.

Co-Written by The ArcadeLords
Edited by Nonagon

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 79 )

Willy Wonka. I'd never thought I'd see the day of that crossover. GJ Josh

Comment posted by Dunsparce deleted Dec 17th, 2012

My attention. You have it. *sits and waits patiently for more*

I look forward to seeing more of this. I haven't read the original book or seen the newer of the two movies, so it will be interesting to see not only those elements, but also the MLP elements injected into the story as well. Also, the state her home is in and their financial status... that's REALLY depressing. :fluttercry: But yes, keep up the good work!

I like it so far.:pinkiesmile:

There are a few things I think you could touch up on, one would be to use fewer adverbs. For example:

“What a sweet child.” He sighed dreamily. “The world needs more children like her.”

He sighed how? Adverbs are poor descriptors, as they cut down on the number of words used, and thus the amount of devotion to showing what's going on.

By the way, you're doing a pretty good job of show don't tell so far, IMO.

And since you're sort of new to this whole writing thing, I figured these would help you. They're both informative and amusing. I suggest looking at the crossover guide first, since that's what this story is, although you may want to look at the alternate universe guide for your other story (which I haven't read :twilightsheepish:).

Wanderer D's How-To guides for writing good FiM fiction

This... This...... This is pretty good. I'm guessing this is an alternate universe where Pinkie stayed at the rock farm? Discord approves.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png

loved all the characters

I would rather have a few well-developed characters rather than a ton of poorly developed ones. -coughs- NARUTO -coughs- BLEACH -coughs- DRAGONBALL Z -coughs-

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Pinkie is Sunny's mother? :pinkiegasp: Should've known. I was personally hoping she'd turn out to be Wonka.

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That would've been too easy.

So, a Wonka named after an existing candy. Pinkie is the protagonist's mother. And you have a guy who is ironically named Merry Way. Awesome, outstanding, AMAZING! Really, that is pretty good writing, while mine is... Decent.

*Mfw I saw the author's note* :rainbowlaugh:

I love how you used Pinkie here! :pinkiehappy::pinkiesad2::pinkiecrazy:

Awww... :pinkiesad2: I loved this chapter! :pinkiehappy:

Although I would like it if you got back to work on your videos. :twilightsheepish:

Josh; what would you do if you knew that your superior was clearly insane and you where the only one in you squad who could disobey him and save your squad? Would you chose to disobey him, with the knowledge that you would be branded as a deserter; or would you simply hope for the best, and no one else on your squad would know that you could have stopped your insane superior.

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I would do what I was trained to do. Keep my teammates alive.

... DAMN IT, JOSH, WHY MUST YOU MAKE ME FEEL THINGS!?:raritydespair:

You're getting better. Just keep on keeping on. :twilightsmile:

And maybe find an editor. :twilightoops: They can be a big help too. Something to consider. :twilightsheepish:



grace,
-Psyco Josho

There's one thing I don't understand, HOW WAS THE THE TEACHER HOLDING THE LOLLYPOP? We must find out!

We all figured you were gonna get around to it sooner or later. And it's a depressing story, up until we get in the factory.

I have a story about how about the small earth pony who learned magic to topple an evil principal? Or a diamond dog that outsmarted mean farmer ponies? OOH! OOH! I can tell you a story about a pony who traveled the world in a giant peach!”

Nice use of some of Roald Dahl's other books, Matilda, Fantastic Mr. Fox, and James and the Giant Peach, respectively, correct?

Now I'm not sure who's going to the factory. At first I thought it would be Grandpa Clyde, but now I'm thinking Pinkie might go, or maybe Merry Way as he's the only other currently "able bodied" adult in Sunny's family. Or maybe no one gets to go and it's just five fillies on a tour.

Wait, why do I keep bothering myself with these ideas? You're the one writing the story Mr. Joker.:twilightblush:

Why the f**k am I writing something so depressing?

Because you want to have good character development, unlike what they did with 4 of the mane 6 in Discords episode.:ajsmug:
Your words, not mine.

“Still din’t see, eh?”
Sunny turned around. A stocky dark green earth pony with a navy blue mane stood smiling at her.
“No mister," Sunny replied, slumping to her rump. "It always closes before I can get a good look.”
“Ha ha, well, ain’t dat one o’ life’s big mysteries. What's da meaning o’ life. Do aliens exist. What in Equestria is driving dose trucks?” the stallion chuckled loudly as he hoisted the boxes of chocolate onto his back. “Still… I can’t complain as long as I get my stock. Tings sell like crazy, lemme tell ya. Hey, would ya like ta buy one?”
“Ummm… no thank you, mister…”
“Rancher.” The Earth Pony smiled. “Jolly Rancher. Alright den. You run on home. Let me know if ya happen ta see what’s moving dem trucks; I’m dying ta know.”
“Alright, bye mister!” Sunny chirped as she continued down the road.
“Oh yeah, don’t talk ta strangers!” He quipped after her.
“I won’t!”

:twilightblush::twilightblush::twilightblush: (chuckling) "Don't talk to strangers."
Anyways that is a rather nice introduction to your protagonist.

“I’m home!” Sunny yelled while placing her saddlebags on the dining table in the center of the room, careful not to budge the stack of newspapers replacing the missing fourth leg.
“Hey sweetie!” A high-pitched voice chirped, followed by the sound of metal clanking against the floor.
A bright pink mare with a long, straight mane appeared around the corner and hobbled towards Sunny. A leg brace on her left hind leg impeded her movement and dragged against the floor, making a sharp scratching sound similar to running one's hoof across a chalkboard. The mare acted like the brace wasn't even there as she yanked her own body towards her daughter like a puppy pulling on its leash.

:twilightoops::twilightoops: What!!! Pinkie Pie is the mother?!

3285775 and she's crippled. I wonder what happened to her.:fluttershysad::fluttershysad:

Although I know how the chocolate factory story goes.
But I want to know how it goes with Pinkie Pie.
Even if she gets to go back to the factory, how will she respond and more importantly, how will Candy Mane react when he sees her?
So, please, PLEASE, continue.

Wow, that is very well written. You did well in detail explanation, with good character introductions as well.

The only problem I ever had with the character Charlie in general, is he seams far too innocent and perfect sometimes. It is great showing how someone with a lot less can make a lot more out of small things, but in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, it'd make more sense if curiosity bit the cat with him, rather than his grandpa pushing him to brak Da Rules.

In fact, it might've been a wiser story decision to have charlie been the very first kid to just sneak something like the soda, then solve the problem easily enough, but be guilt tripped a bit through the movie as other kids break da' rules and be general brats. Then near the end he could tell Willy flat out he broke the rules, have a bit of a thing on integrity, the end.

Wait, i'm supposed to be talking about the story, aren't I?
.....
good job.

Pretty good here.

I was a bit surprised to see Pinkie being used as the mom. It seamed a bit weird to have just one character for this alternate universe, but then you sold me with how well you fit her.

I especially like the tension going on, showing that the family situation does get too the adults just as much as Sunny. And I very much agree with you that taking out characters is better than having useless ones.

Finally, I am loving the witty dialogue.

PS: Where you a Yugio fan as a kid by any chance?

Sunny loved that about winter; it getting cold just so she could experience the comfort of being warmed up

That is just an awesome line, very relatable I might add.

This whole chapter is just wonderful actually, a good way to show the us readers how much little things like that mean to Sunny. So basically, you did an great thing spending a thousand words on a filly enjoying a lollipop, the amount of detail just makes it great.

Also, don't be so sorry about the name of your Willy Wonka, as I couldn't think of half the names you already created.

“Oh goodness the children will loooove it...” he mused to himself. “Now if I can just figure out a good lead or graphite substitute...” after a pregnant pause, he snorted and erased half the page. “Nah, that would make it too brittle... Hmm, maybe if I neutralize the sugar during the gestation period, perhaps the chemical structure would remain stable enough...”

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Other than the fact I have no clue how candy works, this chapter is again great. It showed the backstory well, and explained why Candy fired every pony, and probably why Pinkie ended up so poor, considering she likely had no plans other than the factory, and she was crippled....

Yeah, sad...

I'm just going to go play something like GTA to not be sad anymore.

One thing leaving me to wonder, is I am curious as to what the Oompa Loompa's will be in this story. I think just "Mini-ponies" May not work, considering ponies are already "mini-horses."

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I have plans... let's just say I'm familiar with older gens...

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Well, aside from that, I only hope the other children characters later one are similar, but also original, in a way they are all around better in their role.

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The flutter ponies? Or is it fairy ponies? Okay I'm not quite familiar with the older generation because I don't grow up with girl toys even female demographic shows.

Alright, more backstory! Kind of unconventional way to start a family, but damn if it didn't turn out pretty well, all things considered.

:trixieshiftright: It's alive? What is that all about?
Oop, (Grenade explosion)
:unsuresweetie: sorry.

Anyways, finally an update it seems going well with the backstory, :unsuresweetie:and it seems quite enough don't you agree? Last time, I started reading it back in... :applejackunsure: November? I really feel for pinkie pie.
:coolphoto: While she still has her random mannerism but as a mother she seems down to earth especially what happen in the last chapter when she's broke both body (particularly her leg) and soul (part of it is losing his friend for not doing any thing wrong.) :pinkiesad2:

But enough this, it is going good. I bet the next chapter is when things get going, I'll be looking forward to it... Pretty soon.

-paragraph here describing Merry pushing Pinkie towards a restaurant-

Whoops, don't think that's supposed to be there.

Author's Note:
You'll probably notice that I've deleted a couple characters from the original story, mainly the second pair of grandparents, and the first grandpa's wife. The reason being that I just couldn't find a way to add these characters and make them interesting, and not be a complete ripoff. I would rather have a few well-developed characters rather than a ton of poorly developed ones. -coughs- NARUTO -coughs- BLEACH -coughs- DRAGONBALL Z -coughs- I can't stand throwaway characters, which really bugged me in the original book. The other grandparents didn't even need to be there; they offered nothing to the plot. It was worse in the 1971 Stewart version. Did Grandma Georgina even get a line? They were just... there, and it irritated the heck out of me.
So, I took a page from the 2003 Burton version, trying to show a family that interacts a bit more and brings differing perspectives to their situation. Really underrated, the supporting cast. They made that movie work.
Let me know if I need to add a sad tag to this, because chapters are going to get pretty heavy later on, but I don't want to be pretentious and say "this is sad" when it's not even gotten to that part yet. Do authors usually do that on here?

:twilightsmile: Don't like them? This is you.
If there's certain cliche that bugs you, you don't use them. I guess, that what this story may speak from your own voice.

P.S. You may not use the sad tag because as a whole it is not a sad tale in my opinion. But you can tag sad for just one element.

Its ali- ( nukeular launch detected ) OH SHI-! *BOOM*

And this is why Pinkie shouldn't be in hospitals... though who could blame her? Who could resist the fun of zooming down hallways on anything with wheels? Though in some aspects, she would've made patients more relaxed and happy about their troubles if she was a nurse. If she didn't start throwing random parties for new patients that come in or whenever good news for their illness or injury comes along. >.>

I really liked this chapter, especially since it tells how Pink and Merry met and I like his inner thoughts. XD

I was expecting the doctor to tell Pinkie a story of how he lost his medical licence. ;)

Novel Idea smiled, then raised an eyebrow as the classroom's gazes seemed to be drifting to his left. He turned his head to see what the children were looking at. The only things there were the disciplinary chart, the calendar, and... the door.
"Perhaps I should have locked that..."

:facehoof::rainbowwild: Don't bother getting in their way, mate. It'll only slow 'em down for a second. Maybe.

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