• Published 9th Dec 2012
  • 2,317 Views, 29 Comments

Nocturnal Emissions - Standard Namespace



A sudden epidemic of wet dreams is cause for concern for Twilight Sparkle, but help is on the way

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A Cunning Stunt

She regarded the blue unicorn admiring herself in the mirror. The image was very much a colt's imagination of a pretty mare, perhaps a little full of herself, adoring her own beauty as much the fevered imagination of the dreamer did.

Still, the dear young thing had been kind enough to get started for her. The dream-scape rippled as she projected herself into the place of pale blue unicorn mare. The heated fantasy the young colt had hatched was warm and welcoming, its only flaw his fragmentary knowledge of mares.

He certainly was eager. He would learn, and the Princess was glad to teach him.

She basked in his lust, and flirtatiously probed the young stallion's fantasies.

In a darkened room, illuminated dimly by candles, the dreamer of the dream lay on a massive bed, decorated by the countenance of the mare he lusted after. All four of his legs were tied to the bedposts, and he was wearing a blindfold.

She stifled a giggle. “Oh dear. So young, yet so adventurous!”

“Trixie? What's taking so long? What are you doing?” His voice, somewhat dull yet heated by desire, came from the room next door.

Luna looked over, and saw the answer.

“I put on my robe and wizard hat,” she answered lustily. Not only bondage, but role-playing! She donned her costume.

A satisfied moan told her this was the right answer.

As she entered the bedroom, she saw that the awkward young colt with the unappealing yellow coat and green mane had an enormous... enthusiasm.

“My!” she cooed. “You're certainly happy to see me!”

Princess Luna licked her lips, anticipating the taste of the colt's... excitement.

* * *

Riding in on the Friendship Express was boring the best of times. Knowing it was just the start of his tedium drove Dr. Horse into the comforting arms of an extra portion of codeine. As the train bumped and clacked over the tracks, he amused himself by flipping through the draft of the new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, the struggles of those silly witch doctors to enumerate and elucidate the failings of the pony mind a stimulating counterpoint to the dreamy floaty buzz of the pills, a welcome distraction from the noise and the other passengers. Anything to keep from nodding out and missing his station.

He was fairly certain his opiate euphoria had died down when he arrived in Ponyville, but the symptoms of intoxication persisted. A bouncing pink hallucination greeted him at the station, yammered something into his ear about a “welcome to Ponyville party,” and refused to go away until he threatened physical violence, drawing shocked stares from passers-by. Rightly so – someone snapping at figments of their imagination was an indication of any of a number of serious neurological and psychological issues. Fortunately, the product of his drugged imagination skittered away, and he made his way to the Library in peace and quiet.

* * *

“...and wasn't even like that one time with Cranky, 'cause at least Cranky told me to get lost, but he just treated me like I wasn't even there! How can I make friends with a pony who pretends I don't exist?”

Twilight tried to comfort Pinkie. At least she was angry, and not despondent.

“I know, Pinkie. He's horrible. But I know some-pony who could use some cheering up!”

* * *

The slow trot to the hollowed-out tree he was told served as the town's Library played holy hell with his half-lame right rear leg. He weighed his options. The deep, dull ache would surely distract him worse than the intoxicating effects of the pills. What did the literature say? Well, there was a general consensus that the long-term risks of abuse contraindicated long-term use of opiates for analgesia –

He looked bitterly at the image of three red and yellow capsules on his aching flank. No, it was best to wait. Maybe he'd miss something interesting if he were too out of it.

An angry yelp distracted him from his bitter review of the literature, which, as usual, omitted the practical issue that his hind leg fucking hurt and he wanted a fucking fix.

He looked down. He'd stepped in some rabbit.

Worse yet, the stupid thing was copping an attitude with him. He'd show that little...

He was about to buck the little piece of street rubbish into the gutter when he saw Mommy.

Oh, he was familiar with the Angry Mommy, and the butter-yellow pink-maned pegasus doing her best to bear down on him like the front of an oncoming thunderstorm was a very angry Angry Mommy indeed.

Luckily for Dr. Horse, it was mostly bluster – a few sharp words about the pathology of living out maternal fantasies with semi-intelligent lesser beings and a probing question why she didn't have a foal of her own made her burst into tears.

Served her right. It reminded him of that one time he had to explain to some hysterical mare why her recently deceased colt was missing his heart and liver. Didn't she know how long the waiting lists for organ transplants were?

No matter. Here came Momma's Little Helper, some frou-frou white unicorn...

* * *

“He's terrible. He's terrible and scary and mean.”

“Aw, c'mon, Fluttershy! Angel's gonna be fine! Look, he's playing with Gummy right now!”

Pinkie pointed to the living room table in Fluttershy's cottage, where Angel Bunny and Gummy were playing a game of chess. Angel scowled at the chess clock, waiting for Gummy's move. Gummy blinked.

“Me an' Rainbow are fixin' to give him a whuppin' he'll never forget and put him on the next train outta here! No pony talks to Rarity like that!”

“And he hurt Angel Bunny and said mean stuff to Fluttershy!”

Twilight had never seen AJ and Dash so mad, but at least they were still talking.

“But you remember when I first came to town, don't you? None of you knew why I was here, and I wasn't sure I even wanted to make friends!”

“Twilight Sparkle, y'all are nothin' like that no-good, foul-mouthed so-and-so!”

“Yeah, Twi, you aren't mean and nasty! If this Doctor Smarty doesn't shape up...”

Twilight was torn. On the one hoof, Doctor Horse had managed to alienate or anger all of her closest friends. He was arrogant, unpleasant, a drug addict, and somepony she would never, ever be friends with. On the other hoof...

“Girls, you have no idea what a pain in the flank Horse is. I've had to deal with him all day, and believe me, it's worse than you think.”

She paused for a moment. She could hardly believe she was about to say this.

“But there's one thing I do know – he's smart and he's here to help. I'm going to give him a chance.”

Rarity narrowed her eyes. “Twilight, we trust you. But if he knows what's good for him, he'd better stay far, far away from us.”

* * *

Twilight paced nervously around the Library. Why did the Princess think she needed help? Was her patroness losing confidence in her?

A knock at the door announced the arrival of her guest. “Spi-”

She wasn't even able to finish calling for her baby dragon assistant when a bedraggled light brown earth pony barged into the Library. He didn't even say “Hello”, but took a long hard look around and scowled. His muzzle was long and straight and somewhat donkey-like, and his eyes were half-open and bleary, marked with deep bags. His dark brown, graying mane was just long enough to show signs of neglect.
Three yellow and red pills marked his flank.

This was supposed to be one of the most brilliant medical minds in Equestria? He looked like bad news. She was giving him her brightest, most welcoming smile, and he barely even seemed to notice she was there. Perhaps she should introduce herself?

“Water.” He croaked the single word out, and turned to close the door behind him.

One of his rear legs dragged a little on the Library floor. “He has a lame leg,” thought Twilight.

“Spike!” she said, “get our guest a glass of water.” She carefully approached the wincing earth pony. “Doctor Horse?”

“You're Twilight Sparkle, then.” It wasn't a question, just a dry statement of fact.

Spike came out of the kitchen with a glass of water, and Doctor Horse sat down awkwardly to drink. The purple and green baby dragon stood for a moment, perhaps expecting a “Thank you,” but none came. Spike shrugged his shoulders and walked off while Horse pulled out a large pill from his saddlebag and swallowed it with gusto before draining his glass. His right rear leg wasn't folded beneath him, but jutted forwards stiffly.

“Is that for your leg?”

Horse scowled at her. “Very good, you notice and can clearly state the obvious. I can see why you're the local busybody.”

Twilight Sparkle cleared her throat. “The Princess sent you.”

“Yes.” Horse's flat affect became one of resentment. “Evidently you have a problem she doesn't think you can solve by yourself without causing a riot. I'm here to keep you from making an idiot of yourself.”

“Well, then,” said Twilight, “Let's get down to business.” She made a conscious effort to ignore Horse's provocation. “In the last two days, I have seen clear evidence that the colts of Ponyville have been suffering from nocturnal emissions-”

“What evidence.” Horse didn't even look at her.

“I've seen parents and guardians washing bedding. Several ponies have come asking for books offering advice on reproductive health for colts. I've talked to the town pediatrician and she's referred half a dozen families to the urology unit at Ponyville General.”

Horse listened, and only a small twitch of his ears registered any interest, around the time she mentioned the hospital. “Go on.”

“My theory is that some supernatural agent-”

“Stop. Right. There.” Horse gave her a look. It wasn't a particularly nice look, but it was the first time he appeared to acknowledge her presence. “I used the word 'idiot' deliberately – somepony who has an idea and likes it because it's theirs.”

Twilight opened her mouth to object, but Dr. Horse suddenly became more animated.

“I work in one of Canterlot's largest teaching hospitals. Even when the patients deign to tell us enough of the truth about their problems to let us help, I invariably run into the next problem with doing medicine in a world of colorful magical ponies. Everypony knows some shifty unicorn or fresh off the boat zebra, and the moment something goes wrong, they rush to blame their symptoms on the local obnoxious weirdo. Before we proceed with the assumption that this is some kind of magical malady, we need to eliminate mundane causes.”

This was just the beginning. Doctor Horse reeled off a long list of potential toxins and pathogens that could potentially cause the observed symptoms. His description of one particular water-borne parasite was so vivid that Twilight could visualize the fuzzy, whip-tailed protozoan, colored a mean, evil shade of purple, navigating the cavernous insides of a colt's urethra, improbably lit from within with dappled pink light. There it would take a sharp turn, and bury itself next to its teeming fellows colonizing the victim's urinary tract...

“But nopony asked about bed-wetting or anything like that. They were very specific.” Twilight's horn glowed, and a large binder floated a corner in the library. “Also, we had a water assay done on the town well earlier this year – I don't remember there being any problems.”

Horse's ear twitched as he looked over the results. “Well, this wouldn't be something they'd look for routinely, and water-borne pathogens are notorious for seasonal variations. At best, we can consider this a rare instance where we have a control data set in a clinical setting. We need to collect water samples anyway. How are the microbiology facilities at Ponyville General?”

“I don't know, to be honest,” Twilight admitted. “I do have a laboratory downstairs, though.”

Another ear twitch. Twilight was gradually noticing that this was a good sign. Horse may have lacked social graces, but presenting him with data and well-founded theories was enough to engage his interest and encourage him to share some of his vast store of knowledge. She called over Spike and asked him to help her compile a list of things to do.

“Also, we'll need to collect data from the colts of Ponyville. In the unlikely event you are right, we'll need details. I don't suppose you've interviewed any of our patients?”

“Well, no. I suspect they might be a little embarrassed to tell me about something like that.” Twilight smiled brightly. “That's why I'm glad you're here.”

Horse scowled and muttered, “Trotted right into that. Dammit.”

He scowled again, this time at Twilight. “We have enough to do, get to it.”

“All right,” said Twilight cheerfully. “Also, when's Pinkie's 'Welcome to Ponyville' party? She always throws one to welcome new friends.”

“What?” Horse seemed completely baffled. “What's a 'Pinkie' supposed to be?”

“Uh-oh,” thought Twilight, and she mentally added “check on my friends” to her to-do list.

* * *

It was late once Twilight Sparkle had finished her rounds. Horse slept, seemingly dead to the world, in the guest room. Whatever was in those pills he took really knocked him for a loop.

The laboratory was ready, glassware was sterilized. She had a collection of water samples, an array of ingredients for culture media, reagents and indicators – and the knowledge that her friends would be there to help her deal with this unpleasant guest.

Only one colt had responded to the fliers and come to the Library to talk to Horse.

The bad news was that Horse's poor social skills had very nearly sabotaged the patient interview. The good news was that he had recorded the whole thing.

Twilight looked at the tape with trepidation. She was not in any particular hurry to listen to it again, and she had taken thorough notes. If anything, the experience made her seriously consider having a nightcap of some of Applejack's distilled hard cider before she went to bed.

Snails claimed to have had an extended lucid dream the night before. He seemed eager to tell Horse all about it. Disinterest dripped from Horse's voice as he asked, “What was it like?”

She reviewed her notes of Snails' enthusiastic account.

He was tied up and blindfolded.

He had received oral sex from his dream partner, and evidently had reached climax.

These two sentences summarized Snails' rambling, overheated fifteen minutes of mind-searing details. Twilight reflected on his account. While Snails' parents were relatively strict, it wasn't inconceivable that he could have recalled some account of fellatio from a pornographic movie.

One detail did stand out, though. He mentioned his partner spitting and rinsing her mouth out afterwards.

That was not unheard of, but uncommon in porn. Could he be remembering some experiences with fillies? Or even another colt? It seemed unlikely.

Snails rambled on for another twenty minutes. Twilight had had to rewind one section several times to try and make sense of his garbled story. It was one of the few sections where Snails hesitated a little, or showed any sign of shame.

His dream partner wasn't finished with him yet. He described her lowering her haunches over his face – and yes, this confirmed that the partner was a mare – and then doing something with him that the young colt had considerable difficulty describing.

Prostate stimulation was a fun way to get a stallion hot again, and as far as Twilight could tell, his partner had been extraordinarily gentle, carefully lubricating him beforehand before gradually penetrating him anally. He reported no pain or discomfort.

Twilight almost wished this part of his account had been less garbled. It was a neat trick, and whichever unicorn did this to him was very experienced. She wondered if Rarity could fill her in on some of the details, it could come in handy sometime.

Considering that he had barely understood what had been done to him, and that accounts of receiving anal stimulation were very uncommon outside gay porn, Twilight was certain she had found evidence of some external psychic stimulus. What bothered her – aside from the fact that the victim was Snails – was that it didn't fit with what she knew about magical sex monsters. Succubi always tried to give their victim what he lusted after, and Changelings tried to emotionally engage their prey. Neither would confront their victims with something novel like that.

Once Snails was aroused again, his dream partner straddled the blindfolded young colt and initiated coitus. A number of rather vivid details distracted him in the retelling of his experiences.

Twilight very much doubted that he had any experience with older mares, yet what he was describing certainly didn't sound like a filly.

“Yes,” she thought. “I think I will have a nightcap.”

Down at the bottom of her notes, Twilight wrote the name that had run through Snails' account, the name he had given his ghostly lover.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie.”

Twilight Sparkle reflected. “Yeah, right...”

Comments ( 8 )

You really nailed House. Damn fine piece of work.

That would be House. Seems to be going well.

Well House is a jerk. well done.

I totally read that chapter as "A stunning cunt". I was like WHAT!?

I'm so glad that this got updated. Interesting premise for sure.

1799197
There's a whole class of jokes that rely on swapping letters around. This would be no exception, considering the "other" title describes the chapter fairly well... ;]

1810579
Ya jinxed it, bub.

9562575
Good god, I don't even remember this story. It's been over six years.

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