This is an alternate Equestria from the one you know, an Equestria where humans grew to be the dominant species. In this world, six sisters have grown up in the loving embrace of their father on a small cottage, away from the few dangers of the world. But when these sisters are choosen by the twin deities, Celestia and Luna, to become their preists, a rift is created between the six. This story follows the adventures of Twi, Shy, Jack, Dash, Rarity and Pinkie as they are slowly dipped into the centre of an upcoming war, the first war, between sun and moon. The sisters must take sides, but will they all choose the same loyalties, or will they decide to become the worst of enemies? No matter what, their choices will certainly change the fate of this new world.
This is my first fanfic and its been a long time since i wrote anything and is very much a work in progress. Any constructive critism's would help me alot! Thanks, and i hope you enjoy.
Oh? Quite interesting, I do say.
Keep writing, i want to know what happens next
130928
Will do! Good to know someone's reading
Plan on making some chapters shorter than others, either when i cant fit in the story with a big chapter, or when its an side adventure
I think that format will work...
trolololol
and stuff readin this, then the very first comment is you with your Pinkie-Pie picture and I just burst out laughing!
I was gettin all sad
This story is interesting, I am a fan of alternative universe stories that examines the characters in different ways. But I believe one issue is the formatting. Structurally, the story is somewhat straining to read, as if forms a single large wall of text with each paragraph. It is a general writing convention that whenever a new person speaks it starts in a new paragraph. This helps avoid confusion as to who is talking, and can solve the previous problem of visually overwhelming blocks of text. Having a story is the start of it, but restructuring it to make it much more visually accommodating will only improve it. There are also some small grammatical errors such as uncapitalized 'i's.
However, this is only my opinion. I do hope it helps.
133618
It does help, thank you!
Ive always felt a little 'iffy' about the structure myself, ill try to spread it out a little more from now on. And the system i use has no spell check, although thats not really and excuse...
Again, thanks for the feedback!
134389
You're welcome. Here's a short guide of things to watch out for in basic self-editing that might come in use.
EqD Editor's Omnibus
Best of luck and happy writing!
Ive said this before, but i mean it now, im taking a break from writing this after ive edited the previous chapters to a better format (thanks again for the tip!)
Ive really enjoyed writing this one, i must say. It felt good to write from another (slightly crazy) perspective for once
134389 Just read through. You've got a good story premise here, but you should seriously consider stopping now and redoing the previous chapters before moving on.
You should review the proper use of apostrophes. For example, instead of "couldent", you would use "couldn't". Somewhat related, but you shouldn't be using an "e" in any of those words, either. This is frequent and noticeable enough that any immersion in the story is lost; every time I see a "dident" or "couldent", I'm forced to pause for a moment, and that's enough to kill the flow.
You've also got spelling errors galore, such as "mearly" and "depply", and uncapitalized I's, which Valaris has already mentioned.
While the general story is interesting so far, I can't really give my comments on it for the aforementioned reasons. Therefore, a 3/5 from me for an interesting premise, and overall story, but a simply atrocious amount of typos and grammatical errors.
152990
Thank you for taking the time to stop me from my spelling rampage, videocrazy
Looks like i need to go back to english lessons! I really should know this stuff. But seriously, ill be taking the time to change my silly mistakes. Thanks again for pointing them out. Helps allot
153203
You're welcome. I don't mean to be offensive, it's just that frequent noticable errors like those kill my enjoyment of a story.
If you can, find a pre-reader, they can help with both spelling and grammar, as well as structure and story flow.
Finaly got my computer and time back together, but after watching that last episode with the changelings I've lost all insperation for this fic. Still, it's been a learning experince! Thanks for the feedback, those who gave it
I can proofread. I already enjoy it JUST FROM THE PIC AND the short description. WORK ON IT NOW!
498249 You start something, and must finish it. I don't care if you've lost inspiration, but know that there are others who want to know how it ends, written by YOU AND YOU ALONE!
This fanfic has humanized ponies, right? It's not just the the picture that implies this?