Shard
Joined 19th Nov, 2012 ·
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This is just something quick I wrote. I hope you enjoyed it.
Enjoy? No thats not the word... But well written, congradulations on depressing me a little.
1769538 I liked it needed more meat for my taste and why did you put an alternate universe tag?
1770056 cachy
1770784
A good job done good. It was a pretty well written story for under a thousand words, but you should probably try for at least 3,000 a chapter. Almost excellent grammar too,
Here's where you mucked up:
_"Not too good" Scootaloo mumbled_
_She snuck in and saw her mothers sleeping body_
But that's all I found at first glance, barely anything. So good job, but I think you should try leaving a few paragraphs too, it'll seem less cluttered that way.
1770332 I put an alternate universe tag in because Scootaloo is the same age as in the show, but Fluttershy died the year previous, entire changing the story line of the show.
1770056
I didn't know that existed... oops
1771130 Lol, it's just a song relevant to the story.
This is very well Written, Im honestly Crying... And can I ask, What made you come up with the idea to make Fluttershy her Mother? Its interesting to see the creativity of the fandom like that. Very good story :3
you would like me to be brutal. i dont enjoy that but every writer needs critacizm. Firstly, you jumped into the story a little too quickly, creating no build up of emotion, giving the overall tone a flat feeling, if you slowed down you could accomplish that. however, the plot so far is tremendous and i have high hopes, the only thing i am concerned about is the fact that you used fluttershy as scootaloos mother, which i find both ambitious and odd, why not just make an oc? its just, scootaloo and fluttershy never really talk about each other in the show, with the eception of the episode with the cockatrace, where scootaloo comes to fluttershys house and does not do it frequently because fluttershy gave up her bed, the only one in the house for the CMC meaning that unless fluttershy treats scootaloo as a stranger all the time, fluttershy cannot be scootaloos mother, just make an oc and make things easy, i admire your ambition to tie the two characters together in such a way though, just dont make the relation between the two characters impossible. Oh, and make it longer, it should be a build up of a story, making the reader feel the emotions as well, and that takes time, good plot overall, good writing stile, be a bit more descriptive, and this could be a great fic. You wanted brutal. your gonna go far kid.
1773413 Thank you for responding. You were the only one who responded to my call for a brutal. review.
I could have thought this through a lot more and go farther into their relation, but I didn't. I think my only excuse for their relation was that it was alternate universe so it didn't follow cannon, so drawing comparison to the show doesn't help. I completly forgot that episode so that might have been it.
In the beginning, I planned for it to be about RD and Scoots, but everbody and their brother does a story about that, but Fluttershy and Scootaloo? Nobody has even touched that I think, so I went for it.
You have given me an idea though and I think it might just work... if it weren't for the most current episode. Nevertheless, thank you for helping me with this, I hope you enjoyed it.
1773001 I don't think I did that good
but thank you.
As I was writing, I intended RD to be the mom, but that is just so out there. People see a Scootaloo fic and instantly think its going to be about the CMC or Rainbow Dash and I just felt that Fluttershy was untouched as far as the CMC are concerned other than that episode. I tried keeping the mom's identity ambiguous until the end and changed quite a few parts in the beginning because it was Fluttershy, not anypony else.
I've babbled on long enough, thank you for your compliment.
1769538 sequel?
Why the hay did you do this to me, bro? I-I...
i can't believe you made me feel like this
I shall stalk you
okay interesting story but one major flaw
if Fluttershy was her mother, wouldn't the fandom know that
wouldn't we know that fluttershy had a child
other then that it was good
I really like your story, lol. Short, sweet, and simple.
sad
1967755 Maybe Scootaloo specifically doesn't want ponies to know that Fluttershy is her mother.
NGH THE FEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!