hmm...a hero is born through the moment and remains such throughout his life..nice first half..this set the tone for someone who would do all he can for others...even if it's more or less a spur of the moment or sheer will...i'll read part two now.

AAAAHHHHGGGGG YYYYEEEEEESSSSS

Oh man...(pony) that was like I don't know...The best cuddle part ever made-in.

Oh God... The d'aww and sugar is killing me and my diabeetus! God, this so BEAUTIFUL! IT MAKES ME CRY!

Oh God, that song.. my heart.. lots of feels..

There are some moments when I ask myself why I joined the brony fandom in the first place: this story is a very good answer.

1769024
That's what I was going for. I shed many a manly tears while writing that part as well as others!

HHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!

*dies*

Found a small error. Never thought I would be the one to point it out. Now then *dies to the D'aw of Redheart*

“Yes, my friend? You know, I’d normally shake your hoof…err hand, but I wouldn’t want to cause you more pain, seeing as you are laid up at he moment. Now what was it you were going to say?”

So far, so good! Very, very heartwarming. That is what I love about your stories!

That song was very beautiful. It brought a few tears to my eyes.

How can you cry?

The dialog is too formal and artificial...

Another lovely, heartwarming story! But, I'm afraid I must point some things out.

“I love you…” you profess

she speaks

you speak

This bad, so so bad. Jadex, your stories are good, but your dialog and associated descriptors are too stilted in places. In simple words, your stories are great plot-wise, but grammar is a wee bit off. Don't be afraid to be casual, relaxed. Allow the characters to speak for themselves ie: try to convey emotions in dialog rather than telling us how they say it.
I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, I'm always making mistakes that I have to go back and fix. I read lots of books on grammar and creative writing skills.
I think you show great talent as a story teller already and with time and correcting the issues addressed, you could be great.

1773789
I appreciate your critique, but what exactly are you suggesting I do differently? I see where the problem lies, but do you have some examples? Are you saying I don't need dialogue openers and closers or that I should use less or perhaps more vivid ones? I'm just trying to understand, so I can improve. I know I have talent, but there is always room for me to improve and get even better!

Jesus christ
...................
...........
... *DED*

A beautiful ending.

static4.fjcdn.com/comments/3147465+_ae6a9f08b926f8f667731caa8b07823b.jpg

I love stories like this. Two people feeling love.

.................................Words fail me.
nothing I say could do this justice.

My job history on Earth consists of nothing with a little bit of nothing on top with two buns of nothing.

Redheart's sadness.... it fills me with laughter!

Fuaaaaaarrrrrrrk...........

Your first story was unparalleled, this story is turning out to be nothing short of beautiful. I can't wait to see what happens next!
On a side note, you win ALL of my respect for weaving a song from Secret Garden into your story, especially Prayer!

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Yes, this fic pleases me.

Jaydex... Loving the story so far. There's not much to say before i dive into that questions you posed to 1773789.

1775387
I think i see what he's getting at. You seem to repeat the descriptors of speaking too often after dialogue, rather than trying to incorporate around it. You seem to be using the standard ' "<dialogue>," <character> <dialogue descriptor>' formula.

While not wrong, it just seems... stock, (would that be the right term? Maybe too much like a template instead...) and loses some of the emotion trying to shine through, in my opinion. Don't be afraid to put the character and dialogue descriptor before the dialogue occasionally, as the situation permits it. Several instances you set up for it, but fail to follow through.

Bear in mind, these are just me trying to provide some suggestions, not requests. (I'm not sure why, but some authors have been offended by me doing this in the past, i'm just covering my ass here by saying this. Feel free to ignore this if it does offend you.)

Here, i'll give you an example.

“That’s great. Thank you for singing it.” 1

“You’re welcome,” she speaks, patting her hoof along your side. 2

You let your head sink deeper into the pillows, feeling tired at long last. “I feel relaxed and like I could sleep,” you tell her, letting out another yawn. 3

Redheart sits up and moves close to you. “Then sleep…I’ll stay by your side, all through the night…go ahead and rest,” she speaks in a soothing voice. 4

“Yeah…” you mutter, feeling your eyelids grow heavy. 5 “I love you…” you profess, closing your eyes and smiling. 6

That will be the basis for what i'll use, it's right at the end of the chapter as well, so it's an easy find. There are five six bits of dialogue here.

The first piece doesn't have a descriptor, and is perfectly fine as is.
The second is fine too!
The third is like the second, but set up perfectly for what i was saying. You could change into something like...

You let your head sink deeper into the pillows, finally tired and letting out another yawn, "I feel relaxed and like I could sleep."

You keep the emotions and such present, but don't have those extra words in the way after the dialogue, as they happen before it.

The fourth is the same way. It sets up for before dialogue description, like this

Redheart sits up and moves closer to you, seeming to coo into your ear, "Then sleep... I'll stay by your side, all through the night... go ahead and rest."

Same here as with the third dialogue. It's set up for before dialogue description, but not followed through.

Then you return to the after dialogue descriptions for the fifth and sixth bits of dialogue here. There's nothing wrong with that here, as changing it up isn't a bad thing. Though, i do admit, those two are oddly worded, i'd almost change it to combine them.

Feeling your eyelids grow heavy, you smile and half-mutter, half-profess, “Yeah… I love you…”

Your eyelids shut and you fall asleep contentedly.

Now, that's not perfect by any means, but combining them seems to give a bit different feel here for what is being said. There's now probably more wrong with this bit than the original, but fixing what i screwed up there, isn't what i'm explaining here, it's about getting the dialogue description across. Where you had two here, i combined into a single one, trying to convey both emotions from the two separate dialogues.

I would have to re-read the story, paying attention to dialogue endings specifically in your writing to be sure, but i'm fairly certain it is. I just noticed i've been using bit a lot when i mean 'parts of something'... weird. First relatively large comment since Fimfiction update. ~650 words altogether.

Alright, I get that I'm supposed to love Redheart, but good god, I wouldn't be getting all choked up and teary-eyed whenever I told her. Otherwise, keep going.

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I looked up that song an all I cam say is it made me cry an it still does but it's a very good song
An u did a good job an this story good job dude :)

Oh my dear God... That, my friend, was the most beautiful thing I've ever read in my life. I don't know if I've been taking English classes long enough to be able to adequately express how perfect this is written. Written by a master, manipulator of the heart. Every single beautiful word flows through my soul and draws tears in my eyes. I can really feel my soul being built up. When I read the words "I don't ever want to lose you" I found myself burying my face in my hands and sobbing a little. I really haven't cried honestly in several years. This is more beautiful than that math I deal with on a daily basis. I only wish it didn't have to end... You don't know how much you've touched my life bro

2029017
Your English just fine, and you've expressed yourself quite well. When I love writing stories like these. Hearing you say my beautiful words flow through your soul and draw tears in your eyes, brings a smile to my face and a feeling of warmth to my heart. That's why I will continue writing stories like these. And I remember Redheart's line - "I don't ever want to lose you." I must admit as I've written these Redheart stories, I often find myself tearing up and sometimes even crying as I do so. I cried quite a bit as I worked on the third Redheart fic - "Until I'm In Your Hooves Again". It's almost twice the length of this one. And unless you've already read it, you still have part two to read of this story. I'm overjoyed to hear I've touched your life. And don't worry, even though they end, I'll be sure to write others. In fact, if you enjoyed this one, you might enjoy some of my other works. Some of my best stories are featured on my user page, below some of my top favorite stories. Thanks for reading!

Ah, you already know how to address chapter-specific comments, so I'll just ask my other question that came to mind while I'm halfway through:

Why wasn't the fire's heat described? You explained the noxious fumes of the smoke, the lowered visibility, but you only mentioned how, to quote the line, "Your feel no trace of warmth, let alone heat" from hand placement (specifically back-of-hand) on a door, but then after that, I was expecting at least one instance where you mentioned the furious heat of the fire.

It... made it a bit hard for me to get as immersed as I felt I should have been. You described one of the two most important factors of the fire (smoke), but why not the furious, overbearing heat as the protagonist found his way out, let alone when he went back in and saw the fire, itself?

The second story of the series… Oh boy: Second-person again, but this time with a significant ‘pain’ factor. Honestly, it’s not the easiest of stories to immerse oneself into given how common the sense of ‘touch’ is otherwise taken into consideration, or times when it may be neglected (depends how bad the injuries are, as in, nerve damage), but this is a major step in seeing how good your skill is. Better buckle up.

Okay, formal review: First, I feel like there’s an impressive amount of sensory acknowledgement given how the protagonist had been burned. Truth be told, they can’t smell much mainly given the circumstances (won’t spoil it), but being able to feel pain as much as he could had bothered me.

… For a bit.

You actually never state that they got burned, and as a result, their wounds aren’t consistent with burns. I was a bit upset at first, because burn wounds are incredibly difficult to write into a story and yet they weren’t really given to the protagonist at all. That said, what does the story give?

Well for starters, it provides plenty of emotion and ‘movement’ at different points. For emotion, the scenes with Redheart which rely on the romance built between the protagonist and her; not hard to imagine given the previous chapter displaying how much you care for one another. Now, this was wonderfully done, but I kind of wanted her to get more of a moment to grieve. Sure, it sounds depressing, but you covered her sorrow so quickly! I was a little let down by that, but again, minor setback for a minor scene.

This brings me to the movements. By this, I mean the movements of the protagonist in the office. The movements were logic-driven and cautious, while also being caring of co-workers and other ponies. With that in mind, I couldn’t imagine myself doing much of the same. Helping the co-workers? Absolutely but I’ll be damned if I’d have a level head and be able to remember the various aspects of fire safety without at least going through them in their entirety, at least once in the past.

I guess the problem I saw was there being a bit too much benefit of the doubt being given to the actions of the protagonist. Not really a bad thing in hindsight, but you should have considered those who didn’t remember fire safety. At the very least, implement a basic mistake to remind the protagonist to remember the essentials, such as maybe trying one doorknob immediately, or seeing a pony do the same with a painful result of a burn wound.

Again, keeping a level head is incredibly difficult to do in the heat of the moment, pardon the pun. It made me feel very detached, considering how they were doing things I’D never consider! (The throw-rug? I’d just tuck and roll over the fire to protect the mare on the other side! ) This wasn’t really a negative on your part, more just me feeling less adequate the more I read about the protagonist.

But what about characters and environments and further immersion? Well, that will be left for the conclusion of the story, in Chapter Two!

... But first, I'll say this much: Redheart's actions in the story with regards to "after the events"?... Adorable, believable, immersive, and I'd go so far as to say "professionally written" if I didn't think that might be gilding the lily a bit. Some of the dialogue from the narrator could have been a bit less formal-sounding in tone, but really, it comes down to "how the reader felt by the end of the story".

And I felt pained to have read it... because of the emotion brought into the story.

So I felt bad... but it felt soooooooooo good.

Teem: To be stocked to overflowing. To be prolific; to abound.
Not the same word as team. Sorry to nitpick, but it kept pulling me out of the story.

2572473
No need to apologize. I can't believe I mixed those two words up , I know the difference, just mustn't have made the connection. Thanks for pointing that out. You and another reader noted that silly error. I've fixed every instance I could find. Thanks again!

Man, these two really lay the classic lovey-dovey talk a bit thick. It comes off as a bit formal, but that's their thing.