Your name is... well you don't remember. At least you REAL name. Yet for some reason you remember the rest of your life. You come from Pitsville, a small town that has fallen to crime, and is abandoned. You lived by yourself in a sad little place called home. Until you discover a world where friendship is magic, an escape from your pain from years of being there, and heck maybe even true love. Follow Ex- Human Starlight as his life is turned upside down when he is sent to Equestria. Laugh, Cry, and enjoy the tale of re-learning everything you once known while you transform into a pony.
Chapters (6)
I see a few spelling mistakes, such as "threw" instead of "through", but overall it's well written, and I don't understand why its rating is only 2.6.
I give it a 4 so far.
Okay, other than the mistakes, which are few, this is going to be awesome.
Error:
"I herd that your flying is getting better"
Thanks for your comments, gonna yell at my editor now
Good so far,
But
It's AppleJack not Apple Jack I realize this doesn't matter but I said it anyway
Nice, I like this story so far. Tracked
I just realized every story with a human I've read the guy falls in love with rainbow dash or appplejack
twilight is now disapointing me she went from favorite mane pony down to fifth place rainbow is tied with pinkie pie for first
I started reading this and it showed a 2.7 star rating, I wonder how it got such a low rating. I think the story is pretty good, maybe someone who just doesn't like HiE stuff? It's going to get a little boost from me though, adding it to my tracked stories.
Thanks guys, I realize that Humans in Equestria is looked down on, but I wanted to show a story about how it would work out. I also haven't seen a human in Equestria actually transform type story. If anything I want this story to be a reference to people who imagine going there, what would happen.
"As a plopped into the couch I relaxed" (should be 'I' instead of 'a'
Great chapter, found a few grammar and word choice issues, the list is below. Sorry if my replies got a little less wordy toward the end, been up for 15 hours straight and i'm tired
1. "I wasn’t sure who Braeburn was, but before being able to ask the question, a yellow colt sporting a stereo typical cowboy hat entered, shouting:" (stereotypical is one word not two)
2. "Braeburn then approached me and shook my hand very firmly and quickly, asking for my name." (should be 'hoof' instead of 'hand')
3. “You ready to see how really Stallions hang?" (think you mean 'real' here instead of 'really')
4. "Any class Braeburn was teaching I would normally think to avoid, but if Macintosh thought it was a fine idea, then it shouldn’t of been to bothersome." (should be 'shouldn't have' instead of 'shouldn't of')
5. "“You play music?” asked Macintosh amused with my stare at a electronic six string." (should be 'an' instead of 'a' since electronic starts with a vowel)
6. "she had a unusually huge load, yet I wasn’t surprised." (again, words starting with vowels use 'an' instead of 'a')
7. "I watched Big Macintosh as he draped the guitar over him, and he started playing a acoustic." (same as above)
8. "“Amazing” I caught myself saying. All Macintosh could reply with was a amused
“Eeyup.”" (decided to highlight this whole block for a double whammy. first, should be 'an' before 'amused'. Second, you should have the sentence describing Macintosh down on the same line as his dialogue, is a little less jarring that way.)
9. "I honestly couldn’t see the appeal, yet I caught Macintosh say a quick, silent and sly
“Eeeeyup.”" (in this section, Mac's dialogue can be on the same line, since Starlight had no dialogue of his own)
. Second, should be 'their' instead of 'there'
10. "“Looks like some pony has a drive after all!” Exclaimed Braeburn, shocked and relived." ('Exclaimed' doesn't need to be capitalized (i don't think, could be wrong here), and 'relived' should be 'relieved')
11. "“My golly you ARE dumber than a foul. When Pegasus are attracted to something, there wings shoot up.”" (another double whammy. The plural of pegasus i believe is pegasi, unless you want to have it read 'When a pegasus is attracted to something...', also you don't need to capitalize pegasus (MS Word keeps trying to do it to me too
12. "I than heard the screams… of joy as the chorus sang out." ('then' instead of 'than')
13. "One of my biggest worries was losing my music to this transformation, but now I could give these ponies the gift of human music to there lives." ('their' instead of 'there' again)
14. "Since it was also Macintoshes party," (should be 'Macintosh's')
15. "I’ve had little crushes before, yet I couldn’t help but become flush in the face with a rose color every time I thought about her." (should be 'flushed')
Some errors but over all it's good.
Great!
Oh god I don't want to be an editor, but I'll help. So tracked and now throwing all my stars at it.
If I may say something without appearing rude...your editor sucks. In the future if you'd like a better editor feel free to ask me. Just send the chapter to me at sirisma@gmail.com and I'll fix it up right quick for you and send it back.
Thanks for offering to help everypony! I think this is a good story at core, but it just needs a boost in the editing department.
147539
I might just do that!
146929
Thanks for the help, I made all of the changes. You could be a better editor then who I have right now xD. My current one is a good friend of mine. He does okay, yet I don't like his whole "You don't pay me, this is what you get" attitude.
147629 Not a problem. My class/writing schedule right now is a little busy to be taking on another proofing deal, but i'll point out anything I find
146598
Well there is at least one story where Twilight gets a human turned into pony love interest in "Living the Dream" the Rapture comes and the main character gets transported to Equestria as a pony falls in love with Twilight gets her pregnant and married to her
147539
I sent you the next chapter, thanks for offering to help!
146929
Sorry, I had to point this out. In #4 You said:
4. "Any class Braeburn was teaching I would normally think to avoid, but if Macintosh thought it was a fine idea, then it shouldn’t of been to bothersome." (should be 'shouldn't have' instead of 'shouldn't of')
I noticed you also never corrected the 'to' that should be a 'too' at the end.
P.S. For all those interested, I'm currently editing chapter 6 and will be sending it back to Tomiix soon. I decided to go the extra mile and explain all the corrections and injections I'm making to better his writing in the long run. Hopefully it works out as planned.
EDIT: Also, based on how much I've injected so far, I might have to have Tomiix credit me as a partial co-author.
189011 No problem friend, I'm honestly surprised that one scooted past me too heh
Of course Siri. Thanks for helping me out!
Finished editing/rewriting chapter 6 about 3 hours ago and sent it back to you. Now I await the story to be updated and the genius to flow.
yay I'm first also awesome chapter
Um, not sure if Zecora's line was technically a rhyme. But awesome chapter.
Ah, the old hero-saves-pony-then-is-loved-by-them trick]
Works every time
Thanks guys, the quality really has improved. Yet they are not out of the woods yet! Literaly!
201641
Yeah that was my bad, I did mess up a few times in the first paragraph too. I said, 'as a afternoon snack' instead of, 'as an afternoon snack.' I never caught it until I was reading it on here. Also, apparently the dictionary on my OpenOffice fails at life cuz I could spell things wrong the whole chapter and never get corrected. I literally had to go over this 20 times to correct my own spelling mistakes.
202666
Word is the same way. That is why I asked my friend to edit it in the first place. I didn't trust words judgment.
201641
Thank you!
Yeah, next chapter is coming soon. Life sucks right now, so I am having a hard time getting the energy to write. I will also probably end this "Book" and start a new "Book" continuing so I can get fresh ratings. Book being used for lack of a better term. Wish me luck bronies.
"teach him how to act and how to behave"
> didn't realize there was a difference
"She giggled as she realized the unusual similarity between our names."
> Took her long enough, seeing as there's a hugely famous pony named Starlight, apparently
That aside, the writing was far from perfect, but still nice, and the story intrigues me (albeit the severe lack of proofreading (or, since Twi proofread it...uh...GOOD proofreading, I guess) can be seen throughout). Maybe because I've never read HiE before, but I am eagerly looking forward to reading more chapters when I can.
I like the "Big Mac is rival" thing.
A good chapter
Tho I don't think AJ would splash him with water to wake him up
But that's just me
No, Starlight, Rarity didn't put gel in your eye, she put shampoo (u c?)
That aside I liked this chapter as well.
I felt there could have been a bit more tension put into Starlight learning to fly the hard way
But
It's good regardless
I like where this is going
Well, I wouldn't expect Rainbow to let somethin fall on her head, I DID expect her to get hurt trying to save Starlight or something, or because she was distracted looking out for him.
Regardless, like I said, like where this is goin
Now that Twi's no longer the editor, I hope there'll be less mistakes
"unconcious" should be "unconscious"
Only mispelling I saw, but apparently there WERE a few other types xD
Regardless, this was very sweet. I like StarlightxRainbow
Maybe because Starlight is very relateable, and Dash is my favorite character
Great chapter :'3
So yeah, I feel like everybody's forgotten me
I get on and see that the story is 'On Hiatus' 
and understand why I haven't gotten a new chapter to proof/spruce in the past 3 months. Hopefully I'll get the telltale E-mail in the next few weeks. I've recently posted the first chapter of my new MLP/Avatar crossover and may get limited time for editing if I get enough positive reviews. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/24192/The-Conduits-of-Fire-and-earth
538576
I have been having a hard time, I'm sorry about this. I will try and start writing, cause summer is here, but I will be having a rough few weeks, cause I am out of town for like half of my summer xD. Also, I might need you to re send me your email.
Well it's official, I'm getting a but load of new stuff to do for the next few weeks. I've recently started up a clan as one of the five founding members, have set up an ArmA 2 ACE server and TS3 server, am going to be setting up a Project Reality: BF2 server, and now have 2 Minecraft servers as well as having to deal with my own few stories that I'm writing. I am going to be going through the first 5 chapters again and editing them and adding to them to improve upon Tomiix's work.
Wish me luck, I won't have a life for the next few weeks.
So, if anybody still pays attention to this...
I've just completed rewriting chapter 1 with a HUGE improvement on the writing. (No offense Tomiix)
I may or may not be able to get ahold of Tomiix, and if I don't I may try talking the Mods into allowing me to post the whole thing over again under my own name with links to here. That of course will only be if I can not get ahold of Tomiix .