Twilight Sparkle has always been Celestia's most faithful student. Her magical skills are at the top of the ranks, and she is such a great and caring friend. But one day, as Twilight studies a mysterious dark book, she will learn a spell that will transform her into a great, and powerful alicorn. Twilight sees that the spell is more than just difficult, but she tries it for practice. When Twilight's magic prevails, and she becomes a lean alicorn, she is overcome with joy that her magic has increased. But what will happen when Twilight becomes overcome with a surge of evil, dark magic that takes over her very soul?
It's up to the rest of the mane six to stop the new, powerful, and evil Twilight. Can they save their dear friend from the dark arts?
This story includes obvious hints to FlutterDash, Rarijack, and Twinkie Pie!
Seems.....epic enough just by description. Will read later.
1756862 Glad it caught your attention
Hope you like it when you do read it 
Definitely intriguing....
XD I'll be tracking this one! It's off to a promising start!
The picture draw my attention. I am not much of an "alicorn Twilight" fan quite the opposite actually, but I love Twilight as a villain and I see a horn an wings on more then just our normal adorkable librarian so I can assume that all the main six reach ascension here.
It is a nice drawing to say the least, but it puts me a little off to see spelling mistakes in the very description. I am putting this on my "to read" list.
sounds interesting but i really don't approve of same sex ships. if it's hints even but i'll still read
1757167 Glad you liked it
1757174 Glad you liked my drawing, and if there are spelling mistakes I'm greatly sorry! I haven't even caught any....I will fix those that I see
1757227 I'm glad
1757377 I'm sorry that you don't approve of same sex ships, but I'm grateful that you are trying it out anyway
1757922
Oh yea I love originally hand-drawn drawings, most people use a computer which just doesn't have the same soul. Let me ask you how long did you use on that drawing?
1757963 I think so too
And it took me about two or three days to draw it, ink it, and then color it completely 
Okay I have read it and I know what you have done wrong. Listen to this
"Pinkie Pie suddenly took a good long look at Twilight, and realized that she was extra crazy looking today."
and this sentence
"Twilight was now completely intrigued by this spell. Although it looked extremely hard to accomplish, Twilight was sure that if she tried hard enough she would be able to do the spell."
Can you see what you do wrong? You are trying to tell us what is happening. That's cute but it's wrong
I'm not trying to be insensitive here, was just trying to do a "two stupid dog reference"
Anyway you have to show us what happens, show not tell. It is boring to be tolled what happens, it is exciting to see what happens. And it is a nice premise you have, but it is not going to be a good story if you can't show it. You need to use adjectives. Don't tell us how the characters feel, show us how they react.
You need to be very concious about your narrative mode. At present your narrator is omniscient as he can just see into the minds of the characters and tell what they are feeling and knows about what is going to happen in the future. That is a dangerous route. It is of course possibly to do anything when you are good enough, but I would try to take an easier narrator type if I were you.
Third person limited is the most popular narrative form because it is the easiest to master and often gives the best result.
The few rules of the third person limited narrator are
1) you don't know the future, so he can't say that anything is going to end badly.
2) he can't see into the characters minds so he has to describe what is happening and what they do. If you want to show annoyance or stress you have to show it with their facial expression and speak patten, he can't just say, "she is annoyed.
3) the narrator is not a subject, is not part of the story and therefore does not use first person "I".
You can also use a first person narrator, that is make Twilight herself the narrator, or use mixed or changing narrating angles, and there are many other more exotic variants out there, but the third person limited are really the most universally applicable.
I suggest you rewrite this chapter. Perhaps desubmit the story while you work out the kinks, don't try to submit a second chapter just yet, you can write it, you can write the whole story, in fact I recommend you doing just that. A full story in this format will be a good help TO YOU, it will give you the skeleton needed for the story that gives it structure and direction. But the story also needs meet.
Perhaps you should join a writers help group like this one to get extra help.
Oh and don't let this discourage you from writing, you can't help but getting better at something that you train at. I wish you luck.
1758984 I appreciate your critical eye, but when I write something, I have my own way. I don't exactly write as an all knowing narrator, sometimes yes, but I do use character expressions, and reactions in my stories. This is only the first chapter. I have other stories too if you need to see my writing style with more depth. Believe me, I don't always give foreshadowing, or explain feelings. Usually only with the main characters. I'm not dissing your advice, in fact I just might use it in some cases for my own benefit, but sometimes I will throw in exact feelings, and slight foreshadowing.
Best. Story . Beginning. EVER
Promising start. I'm hoping for a little flutterdash soon to add to the awesomeness!
1759233 Glad you think so!
1760461 And yess! There is lots of FlutterDash moments to come
1761685 I'm glad you like it
I think I'm going to turn this into a series....Pony Tale to be exact. A series of dark, horror stories like this one, with different story lines and such. I was wondering if that sounded like a good idea to anypony else. I thought it might be pretty cool actually
1762957
awesome 
a series?
i think the idea of twilight becoming evil may have been a little rushed, though great chapter overall
1762957
Series!? AWSOME!
I think I may end up doing the series thing
Once I'm done with this one of course 
1759135
It is not just that, my primary critique which is only enforced in the second chapter is that you are telling rather then showing. I really like the premise but the execution truly needs work. It is not a matter of you having your own stile, having your own stile can be a good thing.
There are passages that are passable, but you shouldn't publish this, I am telling you a second time. It is a good skeleton but it needs fine tuning before can become a story.
1764978 Once again I appreciate it, but I'm still going to publish my story. I understand if you do not like it, but I'm quite happy, and content with it.
1766989 your comment broke my tears that I have streaming down my face at the moment from reading, and rereading My Little Dashie
Thank you! 
1767009
Always happy to be of service! 
nice chapter, it was interesting how you made everypony but rainbow go mad
also, i think you meant "quit arguing" instead of "quite arguing"
1782779 I'm glad you like it, and oh my I didn't even catch that...Thank you, I will fix it
1791100 It's not really that, I just thought it would have made a suspense, and it wouldn't be expected
well it certainly wasn't expected but it's also a little silly. Why did she leave one hour left at all?
Fluttershy's STARE!!!!!
1792769 I guess you will have to find out in the next chapter
It's most definitely not over yet, and there is more to come that will make everything make sense 
I an so confused on what was going on with Rainbow Dash. That whole part with Cadance and Shining Armor was just Rainbow being tortured by Twilight?
1795198 At the end of the 4th chapter it seemed that all the ponies were seeing things and going mad except for Rainbow Dash, but the 5th chapter is really just a whole vision that Rainbow Dash was seeing. She thought it was real, but she shook herself from it. Twilight Sparkle made them kind of go crazy
GO ON MADAFAKA!
1760682 Nooooo... And to think I was just about to read this... and then lesbian.
1797039
Sorry, but I love my ships 
1799661 Sigh...
1799687 If it makes you feel better about it, the shipping isn't that big of a deal in the story. It's mainly about Twilight, and friendship
It's just hinted to the shippings 
As a librarian, I doubt she would burn a book, no matter how terrible it is/was.
Great story though :)
1809077 She had to make an exception this time
But I'm glad you liked it 
Such an amazing story! I was gripped completely. It's tragic, interesting and full of motives everyone should take in.
1819109 Oh wow!
I'm glad that it captivated you 
Thank you for reading 
that description
1827031
Hope you read it sometime 
1827072no no no no no no no not some time now right now
and 1 more fore good measurer
buckle up im going in
1827089
Good luck on your journey! 
This is arguably one of the best stories I've ever read.
I knew you were an amazing writer already, but wow. This is incredible. You've definitely won my vote for best writer on this site. 
1924361 You're too kind!
Seeing your comments always make me smile 
I just want to make sure you know how good your stories are
1928877 You're just too kind
and you really make my days brighter 
I can't wait for you to read my newest fanfic when I publish it. I hope it will be good! 