This isn't bad, but it has a number of basic errors in it that suggest a lack of final editing.

Use of capital letters varies throughout
A few spelling mistakes - searching for survivors and supplies they coulf use (could)

The second chapter especially appears as a wall of text. Remember to seperate out each new paragraph.

Thank you for you help.

1874531 I can PM you a more detailed analysis if you like.

That would be great. If you read my other Fanfic you'd know how many errors there were. Not on purpose but still. I don't edit as much.

1874639yes please

Alright then. Fire up the Guns&Roses, cause it's review time.

Initial thoughts
Oh Goodie, another story about the Equestrian zombie apocalypse, that hasn't been done before. [/sarc]
Upon reading the story however, this was better than I had initially thought

Story and Plot
The basic idea of the plot seems reasonably well structured, but you have several plot threads that seem to have been inserted and forgotten about or just contradict themselves at times.

Unlike the horror films, these "undead" creatures did not die if shot in the head, but rather they die of blood loss. A bullet to their skulls would still work though, making it quick and painless, if these monsters could feel pain at all

You state that a shot to the head doesn't kill them and then in the next sentence say that it is the most effective way to kill them. Pick 1

The biggest thing I can say regarding the story is expand on it. Do not be afraid to slow down a describe a situation in detail when it serves a useful purpose. Moments like when the grey mare is surrounded by the infected is a perfect example - describe the effects that infection has on the pony body - necrotic flesh, open wounds, mindless gurgling and growling, you want the reader to understand why the grey mare is afraid of becomming like them.

Characters
I can't say much about the characters, because there isn't any real developement yet. We don't know the name of either of the mares, or even any description beyond their coat colour and that the blue on is a pegasus. Describe them for a visual reader - eye and mane colours, what their Cutie marks are, and also the type of pony that the grey mare is. The introduction of Sweetie raises a number of questions that will need to be answered at some point - the fate of her parents, Rarity or even the other CMC's

Grammar
Grammar is often the largest section that beginning authors need help with, and is also the most tedious to go over and check. It is very difficult for an author to proof their own work unless they allow a significant amount of time for the story to become less fresh. Because they already know what is going to happen, having written it, they often just start skimming and miss little errors.

One thing I noticed was the use of quote marks (") when it was unnecessary. Quote marks are used only for character dialogue. When trying to highlight a specific point E.G.

The area she was in was proclaimed "Uninhabitable" by the government group

You only need to use a single mark, not the double ones

The area she was in was proclaimed 'Uninhabitable' by the government group.

Try to be consistent with your use of grammar marks on number points. chapter 1 has you using 1) 2) 3), while chapter 2 is done as 1, 2,. Pick 1 and stick with it.

She remembers the time when the government, or what was left of it, was still on the air of Equestrian News Broadcast, saying the government is doing all they can to protect their world and to save it.

Tense switch in this paragraph. Up until this point, the story has been in past tense, but switches for this one line to present tense. Replace 'remembers' with 'remembered'

this also occurs later when the grey mare is about to shoot herself

But before she can pull the trigger, she heres the sound of gunfire in the distance

'can' should be 'could'

Through out both chapters, you tend to use capital letters when it isn't called for, often when refering to the infected.

and the sounds of Infected bodies collapsing

And even if she did escape them after she was bit or scratched, it would only be hours before she Turned

The area she was in was proclaimed "Uninhabitable" by the government

Capital letters should be reserved for the first word in a new sentence or proper nouns like person or place names.

There are also a number of spelling mistakes that could be picked up by running the story through a basic spellcheck programe.
She heard the sund of other ponies coming (Sound)
searching for survivors and supplies they coulf use (Could)
she heres the sound of gunfire in the distance (Hears)
We have to gather any pony and everypont\y that can fight (Everypony)

On the plus side for this story, you do use the correct words for there, their and they're most of the time, and most of the actual punctuation marks tend to be correct.

Structure
Structure and Paragraphing is a simple concept that can be fixed easily. I already mentioned that you should seperate each new paragraph, but take it further than that. Put an additional space between all paragraphs to make it very distinct, and do so everytime a new action occurs.
E.G.

The gray, blood stained mare sat there, awaiting her inevitable end to her long and dreadful life. As the bombings subsided, she gradually saw The Infected surrounding her area, scavenging for fresh flesh to consume. She saw a revolver two feet away, and saw this as an opportunity to end her life on her own, rather than a slow death of being consumed alive. And even if she did escape them after she was bit or scratched, it would only be hours before she Turned. There were only three ways a pony could become Infected; 1) By being bitten by another Infected. 2) By being scratched by another Infected. OR 3) By dying because of one of these injuries. The thought of being turned to an Infected terrified the mare, so she quickly moved to the gun, to end her life on her own terms. She put the gun in her mouth, and slowly began to pull the trigger. But before she can pull the trigger, she heres the sound of gunfire in the distance, and the sounds of Infected bodies collapsing. She heard the sund of other ponies coming. She looked out the window and saw other survivors coming towards her location. They must of seen her looking outside her window before. As they reached closer, one yelled out something.

Becomes

The gray, blood stained mare sat there, awaiting her inevitable end to her long and dreadful life. As the bombings subsided, she gradually saw The Infected surrounding her area, scavenging for fresh flesh to consume.

She saw a revolver two feet away, and saw this as an opportunity to end her life on her own, rather than a slow death of being consumed alive. And even if she did escape them after she was bit or scratched, it would only be hours before she Turned.

There were only three ways a pony could become Infected; 1) By being bitten by another Infected. 2) By being scratched by another Infected. OR 3) By dying because of one of these injuries.

The thought of being turned to an Infected terrified the mare, so she quickly moved to the gun, to end her life on her own terms. She put the gun in her mouth, and slowly began to pull the trigger. But before she can pull the trigger, she heres the sound of gunfire in the distance, and the sounds of Infected bodies collapsing.

She heard the sund of other ponies coming. She looked out the window and saw other survivors coming towards her location. They must of seen her looking outside her window before. As they reached closer, one yelled out something.

This makes each individual chunk of the story easy to follow and digest, allowing a reader to track their place with ease, rather than loosing position in a large wall of text.

I hope this gives you a few ideas or a bit of help. If you would like more clarifications or similar reviews on later chapters let me know.

~Fimbulvinter. Former member to the IIE (disbanded). Now freelance reviewer.

Thank you so much for your help

1877179 thank you so much

I find this story interesting, But a little dull as of now. If there was more action later on in the story, it would be a lot more entertaining. I have to ask a question, though. Does the idea behind this story have anything to do with the 2 movies "28 Days later" and "28 Weeks later"? As of now, to me at least, it seems like it might be something like that. I have only seen the first of the 2 movies, and it was interesting.
If I am wrong about the story, I am sorry, but it just seems similar to me in concept, as of now anyway. Good luck with the least, and I look forward to more.

1998445>>1998445 thanks again for the input, and this Fanfic is a compilation of all the zombie movie ideas and game ideas I have.

1998595 I have never played a zombie game, or a horror game, because I don't like getting startled. Startling me scares me, and I dislike being scared allot. Some people like a good scare, but not me.

Ive played several games, but my real inspiration comes from the movies