I do not own any of the characters contained in the following work. “My Little Pony” and all subsequent properties belong to Hasbro and Lauren Faust.
Well, I tell a lie. Love, Harmony, Life, Death, and Time are all mine. Though Love and Harmony are Cadence and Philomena, and Cadence and Philomena aren’t... So I don’t even know. We can go halfsies.
Celestia stood at the top of the world, both metaphorically and nearly literally, shining like her sun. Half of a proud smile was visible underneath her flowing mane, forcing her to turn her head this way and that to see any of the country beneath her that she was trying to survey. It was a clever strategy on her part. Being up so high let her see everything below her, and as long as none of the grass was still purple, she could feel satisfied in giving it the “all-clear.” Heaven forbid she get close enough to see all the real problems with the world—like how there wasn’t any purple grass left anywhere. That’s the real tragedy. But at any rate, there she stood, feeling much more important than she rightfully was, as many political leaders do.
Luna was at her side, standing just a little behind to not interrupt Celestia’s view. I think she spent so much time in her sister’s shadow that she actually decided to stick some of it to her head. And while her crippling self-esteem issues prevented her from claiming to be as important as her sister, she still had a fat head about her overall significance in the grand scheme of things.
But there they were, the two most important ponies in their own little delusional world, living it up in their palace with all the amenities. Five course meals. Cushy chairs—thrones, even! 1500 thread count sheets on beds the size of train cars in private chambers the size of houses. Drinks with cucumbers floating in them and those little umbrellas. All things saved for the Very Important Ponies of the world. Or rather, things saved for the second and third most important creatures in the world.
The MVP of Equestria, that is, the Most Valuable Pet, is given an even grander treatment. A nice wooden rod to perch on. A tiny dish full of store-bought bird seed. A modestly-sized cage lined with yesterday’s newspaper that she’s free to edit to her heart’s content. And a little water bottle that makes her look absolutely absurd whenever she tries to crook her head to fit the tube in her mouth and tongue the opening.
Yes, fine and fitting living conditions for my big sister, the Spirit of Harmony. Though I understand she goes by “Philomena” now. As for me? Well, I’m yesterday’s news. Quite literally. It’s been a solid day since I’ve been stuck here in stone and I’m getting a cramp. My name is Discord, and I will be your narrator. Even as a statue, I’m still important. After all, none of this would have been possible if it wasn’t for me!
Harmony was being kept in Celestia’s own room, caged and left alone in the dark. An unfair treatment for any phoenix, regardless of whether or not they were a virtual goddess, but she would never bring herself to object to almost anything. Sad little thing. I’d laugh if I could move my mouth.
Deep within the spirit’s mind, a myriad of forces were combining. With no physical bodies of their own, the only way for them to enter the mortal world was by cramming inside Harmony’s brain. It was only thanks to the limitless reaches of a mind’s imagination that her head didn’t explode from housing such titanic egos.
“I told you I could do it!” Harmony chirped, puffing her chest out for none of the world to see. “I stopped Discord and brought balance back to the world!”
“Well done,” the Spirit of Death said, sounding completely underwhelmed, “it only took you, what, five centuries?”
“Do you think you could have done it faster?”
“I would have finished the job in an afternoon if you had just let me,” he grumbled.
Life immediately pounced on the opportunity to undercut her brother’s indignation. “Maybe if your plan didn’t involve killing us along with Chaos and the rest of the world, and maybe if the plan wasn’t completely evil!”
Death gave a moan like a man who had to explain why he used lethal force to defend himself against an orphan child for the dozenth time. “Again with the evil! It was five centuries ago, move on! Harmony can spread peace and togetherness and that’s fine, but if I want to do my job I’m the bad guy?”
“I fathom the true issue was more of the underhanded way you embarked upon your goals that cause Sister Life to see your nature as something more dubious,” Time interceded.
“And killing everyone!”
“Double standards! Ugh, I think I’m starting to see how Discord felt,” Death said, displaying his infinite consideration and empathy for those who truly deserve it.
“Do we get to put you in stone too?” Life said, displaying her cruelty and tasteless sense of humor.
“Eh henh henh henh henh. You’re a laugh riot.”
Back in her cage, Philomena opened her eyes again just to roll them. Being ignored by the rest of the family wasn’t something alien to her, but after centuries of care from Celestia and Luna and being pampered like a princess herself, being pushed back into the corner did not sit well with her. Especially since she was being ignored in her own mind of all places, at an assembly that she called for as a follow-up to her own accomplishment of tricking and trapping one of her own in stone for who-knows-how-long.
I don’t know why, but I’m having a terrible time feeling bad for her.
When she returned to her thoughts, she found the two still at one another’s metaphorical throats. Harmony, being her non-confrontational self, cleared her throat lightly to catch the attention of the quarreling spirits. Then again, slightly louder. And once more, even louder. After an hour of her sibling’s continued ignorance, the bird had reached the point where she was screeching and squawking at the top of her lungs, violently thrashing her head until she crashed into the bars of her cage.
“Did you wish to speak, Sister Harmony?” Time asked. Harmony didn’t appreciate the tone of surprise in his voice. The phoenix smothered the growl in her throat with an avalanche of sweetness and let the sugar pour out of her voice.
“Five hundred years together really hasn’t done much to bring you two closer, has it?”
“She’s so unfair to me,” the Spirit of Death griped. Life cast him a sharp glare that did nothing to intimidate her thuggish brother, but succeeded in keeping him silent for the time being.
“Moving on with business, Sister Harmony,” Life growled more at Death than Harmony, “now that your job is done it is time for you to return to us.”
“Actually, Sister.” Harmony gave the over-optimistic grin guaranteed to upset someone. “I was hoping that as a reward for me saving the world and everything... I could be allowed to... stay here?” The air in her head became significantly colder. It was time for her to put on the old razzle dazzle and charm her way to success. “I’ve gotten very, very close with Celestia and Luna and I just know that I could help stop Discord from ever breaking out if I was there! Please please please please please?” Flawless technique.
Life uttered the aggravated sigh that birthed all aggravated sighs. It rumbled back through the annals of time, to the moment when one dinosaur looked upon the meteor plummeting towards him and threw his vestigial arms in the air to curse his heathen, degenerate gods. It passed to a hairless ape who attempted to celebrate his new supremacy over the world, only to soon freeze to death in an ice age. It was then taken by an ancient pony who, upon looking down at her hoof, discovered she had stepped in some disgusting hairless ape. The wonder of this sigh was passed through oral tradition, from mother to children for eons and eons. The tradition of the harsh exhale was upheld whenever a daughter was denied permission to brand her flank by her mother, whenever a bird had a shit-and-run accident with somepony’s cart, whenever an editor had to read through another story about a Mary-Sue making friends with everyone she meets and then making out with everyone. The sigh echoed on, happy to fulfil its respectable duty. Until one day, it had returned to the day it was first created, and was sent back to prehistoric times to relive its entire history. The sigh looked around at its surroundings, and swore as loud as it could.
“What we have been trying to do for the past five hundred years is prevent a single spirit from taking over the world! It doesn’t do us any good to just exchange Chaos for Harmony.”
That was always the problem with Life: for someone meant to house the infinite possibility of all existence, she was so strict about keeping things in order. It takes some serious nerve to try to force order on the Spirit of Harmony, but there you go. Death, always with a beady eye set to takedowns, saw this as another wonderful jabbing opportunity.
“So by that logic, Death is as desirable as Life?” Death asked with all the innocence of a fat old crocodile. “Since one isn’t any better than the other.”
“Would you just drop this!?” Life screeched.
“Brother Death has formulated a valid point...”
“No one’s talking to you, Time!”
“And if they would be using that tone,” Time sniffed, “I’m glad of it.”
Harmony’s head felt like a cement mixer full of broken glass. Her family’s petty gripes and constant arguments were sapping her strength, leaving her exhausted and mentally knotted. She was even beginning to fantasize if she could get away with killing the rest of them and living in peace forever.
Ah, family reunions. May they never change.
“Are you sure that there aren’t any other reasons you want me back with you?” Harmony squawked. “Or is Life the only one who minds where I am?”
“I wouldn’t mind having you back.” Death’s admission stunned Harmony’s whole head into another moment of sweet silence. Of course it couldn’t last. Death immediately got to work clearing out the air of misconceptions. “I’m running out of ways to call Life’s reason for existing fleeting and ultimately meaningless. I need something or someone else to work with.”
Harmony considered him with a thoughtless nod. “Tempting. What if instead of me coming back there, one of you comes here? We can have more of a balance that way since it would be better than having one of us in control, right?”
“Yes!” Death cheered.
“No!” Life yelled.
Death grandly rose above the others, all the way to the top of Harmony’s tiny pea brain. “I nominate myself for this solemn duty of bringing balance to the yadda yadda gimme my basilisk get-up.”
“Absolutely not!” Life snapped. “Time, you can go.”
“Absolutely not!” he mimicked. “Those dolorous hours spent in that mortal plane were the most irregular of my entire!”
“All good things must end~ Puppies die, teeth decay, and lollipops get licked away~!”
“Death, would you stop with that accursed song?”
“Can we not simply trust Harmony to keep control of herself?” Time clicked.
“No,” Life said, “there has to be another one of us there to keep a type of balance.”
“And since when are you in charge?” Death sneered.
“Time? When did I become in charge?”
“Fifteen thousand, four-hundred and sixty-one years as of fifteen seconds ago.”
Death blinked a few times and reset his jaw. “Wait, that’s what the staring contest was about? No one told me!”
“We didn’t want you to know.”
“And you wonder why I’m so evil.”
As the storm of arguments began rolling in once more, Harmony revisited the joy that was plotting to murder her siblings. Harmony decided she’d pin Death to the top of a nursery somewhere. That’d be enough of a source of life to suffocate him, right? The babies probably wouldn’t like looking at him, but no one did. They would have to soldier on for the greater good of ending her chronic headaches. Speaking of soldiers, Life could get buried in some mass army grave. There was enough war and death still lingering around Bison Gulch to put her down for good. Time could get sealed in a broken clock tower somewhere, she didn’t care as much what happened to him. But the others were heading for a mass baby army grave. Or something. There was no thinking straight with her whole family around her head. Good riddance to Nature. Chaos was a tragic loss. Life, Death, Time were unbearable together. And she had to choose from one of them to take back to Equestria with her.
In the back of her mind, a soft, melodious hum sounded. Philomena opened her beak in a silent cheer when she realized the source. The song grew louder and a melody became recognizable. One by one, the other spirits ended their bickering as a dancing pink ball of joy came traipsing in, humming Manedelssohn’s “Wedding March” in C Major and radiating with positivity.
“Sorry I’m late for the get together,” the Spirit of Love trilled. “I was on my way, but I had to take a quick detour across the entire world. All of Equestria is just going wild in celebration, if you catch my drift. Let’s just say a lot of parents are sending their fillies out of the house for the day.”
“Can we all settle for him?” Harmony practically begged. The Spirits shrugged and exhaled lamely for a few seconds, which she decided to take as a yes. “It’s decided then. Equestria will be protected by Love and Harmony.”
“Oh wonderful.” Love clapped. “I’m doing what?”
I'm diffidently watching this
:EDIT: This was amazingly awesome and hilarious. Just thank you for making this.
Wow well let me just say I love the idea of your story and I can't wait to see where this story goes you gain my like
There are no words for how much I was looking forward to this.
Death, with his Hade-ness, is my favorite. I hope Time, Life, and Death don't just fall into the background.
Glad to see you back to writing! I had loved Head full of Cotton Candy, can't wait for this.
They remind me of the Think Tank from Fallout New Vegas.
Jump to about 9 Minutes in, 6 voices speaking from one body all with different personalities.
Huzzah! The dysfunctional family of fundamental concepts continues! I'm eagerly looking forward to the misadventures of Love and
ToleranceHarmony.Discord's narrative is hilarious! And I'm wondering how Love eventually mellows out. keep up the good work!
Though I'm not a fan of Cadence being a boy, I'm favoriting this.
i.imgur.com/cIb88.gif
Well this is a pleasant surprise...
Edit:
eeeeeeeeeee
But wait, when in the continuity does this take place? I'm thinking it's just after Discord is sealed in stone for the first time, but not the second.
This is awesome. Short, sweet, and reminds me of Greek mythology.
Yeeees! I've been waiting for this, let the reading commence!
Wait, but Love was a guy before... Is Shining Armor gay? Awesome!
*Cadance. You're welcome.
Shaping up to be pretty good so far, though.
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I'll be finding ways to work them in as often as I can. Death, as usual, is going to be playing a larger role in things than Life or Time, though. In ways that may just surprise you.
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You know, it never even dawned on me that I could make that Love and Tolerance joke. I'm seriously such a dink.
1753810
You know, Discord's narration was a last-minute decision. But I keep needing to check myself or else I let him dominate the story. And even if you've only seen him in HFoCC, you still haven't seen what I'm planning for him. He's got a thousand years to get all the wildness out of his system, and even that might not be enough.
1754065
In my defense, I had created a male pink alicorn to be Love's physical body in Head Full of Cotton Candy months before Princess Cadence was ever announced. So when they stole my idea and just changed the gender, I decided to steal the character back and turned his body into a mare's body. Not that he minds.
1754082
Spot on, it's the day after Discord's first imprisonment. Discord even said as much himself early on.
1754270
I said it all the time in Head Full of Cotton Candy, I actually had the Greek gods in mind when coming up with the Spirits' personalities. Or at least the parts that made them selfish, jealous, quarrelsome, childish, hedonistic bastards. The Greeks' idea of such imperfect omnipotent beings ruling the world is my favorite mythological/religious understanding.
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He's the embodiment of emotional and carnal love. It'd be weird if someone WASN'T gay for him. Unless they were straight for him, I guess.
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Cadence is the original spelling of the name, "cadence" is a musical term, and her full name is Cadenza. I'm keeping the double Es. I'm glad your'e enjoying the direction the story's taking.
Given how your last "comedy" went, I think I'm going to wait until this finishes and make sure people aren't talking about how you made them cry in the comments before I decide whether to read this.
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Oh. Eheh. Riiigght I promise this is a pallet cleanser for my last story. There's only silliness the whole way through.
Huzzah, the male with double the normal amount of names have returned! And he brings us a sequal to HFoCC! Flock, my children, flock towards it!
....
Okay, now that that's done, may I comment that Harmony seems to have taken a level in rudeness? I mean, she was daydreaming of killing her siblings! Last I checked, Harmony was more scared and pacifst(y?) that Shaggy and Scobby combined.
Though, this could be explained that 1) This is Discord telling the story here, and 2) She may have toughened up a bit from all the years of Chaos.
I look foward to seeing more of you!
Discord's narration reminds me a little of Prachett or Douglas Adams, but more disdainful toward his subjects. I love it.
Does Harmony actually think this? Or was it just part of Discord's narrative? If I recall, Harmony was rather fond of Discord in Head Full, so I'm not sure which is correct, or even if both are. Clearing this up will help me better understand your use of Discord narrating; how much of it is his account of events, how much of it is the characters' own thoughts, etc.
You know, the ending of Head Full, in spite of how miserable it made me, was simply fantastic. It just felt so much more... legitimate, not having everything work out perfectly but things still being okay (Scroob finally at peace, namely). As self-destructive as this may sound, I wouldn't mind some heart-clench in this.
...Or would the fact that I'm ready for it make it less effective? Damn placebo effect
Oh, and it's off to a good start, I of course eagerly await more!
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That's going to be up to you to decide. Discord's going to be twisting some of the ways inner thoughts and emotions are presented, at least in regards to him.
But as for heart-clench in this story, there's going to be none of that. Unless you feel bad for Love that everything he does ruins everything for everyone else and only minorly inconveniences him. It's going to be absolute goofiness.
“Oh wonderful.” Love clapped. “I’m doing what?”
This is going to be awesome!
The prequel was very well written but the ending harshed my buzz for few whole days, it's great to see something a bit more cheery.
I love the penchant you have for humorous simile! XD