- Member Since 8th May, 2012
- offline last seen Jul 6th, 2023
Ultra Sonic
I am a fan of fanfics in any catgory so im hear to comment and read
Ultra Sonic
Joined 8th May, 2012 ·
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Your story was...hum....really fast, But its was too really great,
i give you some mustache my dear.
Pretty good, a few little tiny things that shouldn't be a problem, but otherwise this has great potential
)
(side note: I am trying to start writing a story of my own, somewhat of a coincidence
1753593 Can you tell what those small things were. You know I want to fix them.
1753451 It's just how I write I am a speed demon and will probably end this story soon or bring my ideas that I think would be neat into it.
1753661
Awwwww sad ending or good ending???? i totally want to see the next chapter,
1753802 What only two chapters
How about ten that's a good number.
1753817
ten chapter...................omg omg omg DO IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!
by the way, thx for the following
1753843 I follow anyone who faves my story or watches me it's my policy
1753861
Nice policy.......i think i will do that too.........*follow you*
to the people who are faving my story also thumbs it up so it gets more views
A bit fast. Missed a few places where some commas should be, but otherwise, I like the story. First Changeling-On-Earth story I've seen so far, and I'm liking it!
Very nice fic.
1753643 Ok first things first:
I personally would put this as "which I, sadly, rarely get."
next dingie:
change the much to many including in the sentence that Tyler responds with after Chrysalis asks him about his number of guests
so other than those few teency weencie itty bitty dingle dangles, its a pretty damn fine fic. NOW OFF TO ADVENTURE 
that's it
Curious stat, must of this fic, jump strait up, to the human and the pony bedding, but you want things to be interesting, right? Original, and a refreshing, new start, I like it.
Did you planning on them returning to Equestria? It will be interesting seeing him as the new Changeling King and try to convince the princess to end the exile of Chrysalis. Also, did she will return to her human form or he will gain a changeling form further in the story? That could be interesting to.
Je, I can imagine Candace, thinking of a way to get back at her using Tyler
Not a bad story, really isn't and I was enjoying it thoroughly up until it got to the whole 'slaughtered all my children' part. I can't enjoy stories where Celestia is evil. I'm a bigger fan of Luna but that doesn't mean I hate Celestia or like to see her cause misery.
1755847 trust me i will thoroughly explain that moment later on and something might happen to change Celestia in to a good character. ;)
1754885 I don't like my characters sitting and smelling the flowers so I write fast it's my method and although it's like a toddler hopped up on energy drinks and caffeine it seems to work out for me.
1754885
Why not just keep him human, and her as a changling?
1759219
To break the routine, you now, think upside the chimney…or it was inside the chimney?…Nah that can't be, because that will be thinking inside the house, and the objective is to think upside the house, you now, do something new.
I know, they already do that, but I bet he can come up with something new, I can feel it.
1759256
Maybe, maybe not. Even the "good" reasons for ransformation could ruin a romance. The appeal of an interspecies romance is that both members of the couple could fall in love with each other despite being different species. Humanization, or the human changing just cheepens the romance.
Plus, I personally think that if transformations have to happen they should happen at the beggining. That way there won't be a giant F-U to the readers that don'tlike that when a story gets ruined for them. I am one of these people.
1759561 i'm going to end if for both of you here because there is no way in fucking hell Tyler is ever and i mean fucking ever changing species unless there is a huge reason behind it. So in other words until I finish or tell you i'm going to introduce that element we can leave the answer at hell no.
1759620
This news makes me happy. Thank you for letting me know.
Good luck with all of your endeavors, and looking foward to more of the story.
1759673 oh I'm almost done chapter 2 so it should be out later tonight or tomorrow.
1759679
Sweet.
1759702 there you go
You should keep writing, bug pony is best pony
Thanks for the chapter, is sweet seeing Chrysalis going all maternal, when she heard a child cry. for a instant when you mention the green eyes on Tyler boss, I though more changeling, found a way to reach earth and instantly acknowledge Tyler as their king.
P.S: Did Chrysalis actually love Tyler or did she is using him? like the rest of the mens? She said that has being only 3 days from her exile, and she clearly is malicious in her acts.
1760757 I believe that she actually loves him and wants to help him. I will again probably explain later on as it might spoil something.
1760772
Ok
I love this story. but if I may,I found some area that need improvement.Your plot is ok but it's too rushed.Have the main character ask questions as it,s strange to immediately accept new species and royalty without explanation.Also you should probably add the alternate universe tag to clear up any misunderstandings.I find it hard to believe Celestia ordering any kind of death,much less eliminating an entire species from her world in the mlp universe depicted in the show.If you fix these I'm sure many people will appreciate your story far more and continue to support you as I plan to do.
AWWW YEA, you have made my night,
here a little gif just for you
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/filly_chrysalis_wants_your_love_by_tomdantherock-d4zmvcesdc.gif?1342342610
As already pointed out the plot is good. BUT:
1: You need to pace it better, everything is kind of rushed.
2: You need a proof reader. There are so many missing commas and periods and even more words that are in the wrong tense.
Also, the narrative can be improved a lot as well. It's like it's simply describing what's happening (at a breakneck speed thanks to the lack of pacing). Rather than "painting" a picture of what's happening. It's very vital to immersion.
Right now, your plot is good enough to cover for this, but it won't do in the future.
Don't worry though, this is a problem easily remedied. Simply get someone to proof read it, and have them give you feedback on the pacing and narrative.
Y'know, Let someone you know read it through and give you feedback.
// The Emperor Protects
1761573 thanks
1762150 I have a proofreader for one of my other stories and I might ask him if it's okay if he works on this one as well.
hey it's daniel again here to say that I will probably release the chapter in about 2 or 3 days. I just want some time to collect my thoughts etc.
fandiddlyantastic
i dont know why, but the only word i have in mind when i read this chapter is The calm before the storm.........
I think this chapter is alot better than previous ones.Mainly because it didn't feel rushed.I personaly could have done with more details such as more dialogue between characters and the thoughts of said characters as they act.Overall,I say good job and I can see the extra effort you put into this story based on the quality.I hope to see more.
Hmmm…five days and Chrysalis has not abandon the idea of sex…did she is by any chance is a little nymphomaniac?
I have a few things to mention.
One: This is is going by way too fast. Put some detail into it. You know, like instead of "I was at my job I met a couple of interesting people" why not describe said people and explain why they are interesting. Are they drunk? Are they strange? Do they look strange or act strange? Did they do something you don't normally see? Things like this make a story interesting. Spice it up a little!
Second: Chrissy seems obsessed with two things; meat and sex. Why is this?
Third: You have a good basic idea here but as I stated before, you need more filler, more events.
Also, a proof reader. If you want, i could help proof read and possibly give you some ideas, if you would like.
Overall, its a good story! Thumbs up!
1780598 thanks for the helpful advice and I do need help with this story so it is nice of you to offer. The reason why Chrissy is so obsessed with sex and meat is that she is an omnivore that had barely had meat so for her it's kind of like a paradise. Sex is because she in and of it's self is a very seductive character. Often using her voice and manipulation skills for her own personal gain. Another reason for sex is because she has different morals than Tyler and her culture is totally different. The third reason for sex is because she loves Tyler and wants to show him how much her love for him is, as in her head a kiss isn't enough affection for her feelings. I hope that clears the meat and sex question up for you and I will probably have tyler ask the question you just did because it will add more to the story. So thanks for choosing to help me and hopefully we will make an awesome team
1779157 Hey what would you think if I made the story around 20 chapters long?
It's just that I have plans for the general story of this fic and I was hoping for your advice.
1789352
20 chapter it seem good, but what kind of advice do you want from me
1789380 What would you like to see happen or maybe stuff I should go into more detail with instead of skimming over.
1789407
1.bp.blogspot.com/-CMowCAtVkvk/T_5PXNHaB5I/AAAAAAAAEkE/ovcr16itUQA/s1600/w3YT9.gif
hum...ok let me think about it, i will be back in 5 minute with a answer
ok back. is kinda hard because i dont know how do you want the story end, and all that stuff but what i know is
1: maybe describe a little more how go the relation between chrysis and the human.
2: Add 1 bad event XD
3: maybe describe more how the human react when he was not with Chryssie. Like at is job etc...
i dont say to slow your story, just add more description about the feeling they have for eatch other, this way we wil care more about the character
1.bp.blogspot.com/-CMowCAtVkvk/T_5PXNHaB5I/AAAAAAAAEkE/ovcr16itUQA/s1600/w3YT9.gif
FOr you, a dancing Luna
1789545 Thanks i'm actually writing the chapter right now. I have added more description to his work but not much as I didn't see it fit for people to be bored, watching every move he made.
1789725
haahaha XD dont descripte all the thing, like how many step ge do or how was the color of the clothe of everbody else in the background, just add more description about their feeling
Sorry about the shorter length but I have a massive headache and strep-throat so I was sick while I wrote this. I tried to do what you asked which was slow down the pacing, detail everything more, and have more things happen at Tyler's workplaces.