When a rash of thefts break out in Ponyville it's up to the Doctor and his assistant to find out just who the culprit is and how they are able to steal without magic. But can he do it when he realizes he's not the only one on the hunt?
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 4th Dec, 2012
- offline last seen May 10th, 2015
Polygrammar
Just call me Poly. P-O-L-Y. Sound it out with me. PAW-LEE. Not POH-LEE; Poly. And no, it is not a girl's name.
Polygrammar
Joined 4th Dec, 2012 ·
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In b4 'you jelly?' puns.
Alright. This is a good premise, and pretty well written- but the plot is traveling too fast. Also, the transitions need work. Suggestion: Put a line of hyphens between scenes to indicate a change of location.
Also, in the future, don't have all this happen in one chapter. This isn't EqD- there isn't a minimum length for chapters. If you put too much in one chapter, the story feels cramped. If you want to make a chapter longer, expand the conversations. You did a good job with the dialogue between the Doctor and
DerpyDitzy.In summary, This is a good story, and I intend to see where it goes.
Ah, a Doctor Whooves fic! How I love the fandom so! Okay, review time!
The premise is very interesting. I'm curious to see what exactly is going on in Ponyville, and what sort of creature could be in the Ponyverse.
The grammar and punctuation are good, with only a couple errors I noticed here and there. You were so very close with the "new speaker, new paragraph" rule, missing only one place:
... right there. Just break apart where Ditzy speaks, and you're golden.
Transitions are a bit of an issue for you. Don't be afraid to break your story apart into segments, or even separate chapters. It'll help extend and spread your story out into more manageable portions for your readers.
Now, in regards to keeping true to the Doctor Who canon, you did a brilliant job. A lot of The Doctor's dialogue felt genuine, like I could actually hear him saying things like that and behaving the way he did.
I am so happy you included this. It's a huge shout-out to the fandom.
In short: very minimal grammar/punctuation errors, use transitions, don't be afraid to split sections into multiple chapters.
All in all, it's a very well done story! I'll be keeping my eye on this to see how it develops! Great job!
-- Dusk Quill
1742479 Hey thanks, your comment help me realize I screwed up! I'm not being sarcastic, you see I didn't really understand the whole "publishing" thing on this site and forgot to check the story before I published it. Usually I'm very good at transitions, I just use a line, but I had to copy/paste it from my fanfiction.net account and I didn't realize my transitions got deleted. Thanks bro, that'll help me for the next chapter, I'll have to remember to check that next time. It's fixed now, keep the reviews coming!
1743177
Anytime at all - that's what I'm here for! I understand the whole "transitioning a work from one site to another messes it up" debacle. It's easy for things like that to happen.
I'm very excited for the next chapter. Keep up the great work!
>> Polygrammar
Ditzy facepalmed
DELETE DELETE!!!!!!!!!!!!
seriously grammar is in your name so use pony grammar and words
U jelly
Hi, me again! Here to do a Chapter 2 review for you!
Okay, it's getting there! Definitely looks cleaner with those clear-cut transitions now. Good job with those. There were a couple of instances where you had possessive apostrophes in places they didn't need to be...
... like those, and they repeat for each time the CMCs address themselves. Since it's plural and not possessive, you wouldn't use the apostrophes with them, just the "s" at the end, or whatever the word requires respectively. On my first pass, that was the biggest thing I noticed - otherwise, it's looking better!
Content-wise, be careful about having him travel places he's been in the past. The general fanon consensus regarding The Doctor is he is now in an alternate dimension, which would make traveling to other planets impossible - unless there's alternates of those planets. That could be interesting to explore in the future.
I can't help but wonder why The Doctor isn't using his screwdriver as much?
Oh, and to Miss Derpy Hooves, I believe it is pronounced "Raxacoricofallapatorius".
Well, there's my take on it! I hope you find it helpful, and if there's anything you have questions on, do not hesitate to ask! Till next chapter!
-- Dusk Quill
Editor/Reviewer for the "Editor's Dreamland"
1783020 Once again, thanks for the review! You're freaking smart, you know that? It's amazing how much I've forgotten since 5
And lastly, there is a possibility that I may not be uploading the next chapter for a while. I'll be going by "daddy" for the rest of the week because I'll be watching my 1 yr old cousin, so that will leave me with no time to work on it. I'll try to get some done, but she's a handful so I'm not making any promises. Did I use that apostrophe right? I'm not sure. 
th grade english, learning apostrophes and what not. But now that you mention it, I do remember possessive and plural uses of adding "s" to the end of a word. I guess I'm not smarter then a 5th grader. Also I don't intend to keep this going as a long series or anything. My original inspiration was from a dream I had about an episode from season 3 that turned out to not exist. This might go on for another chapter or two, but I'm really not planning on making it any longer. So I'm not really worried about the Doctor visiting places he's been to before, I wanted to write it in as him ending up there to visit a ponified Blon or however her name is spelled. I ended up not including it because it was too heavy. And as for the sonic screwdriver thing, I'm going for a 5th Doctor take where he doesn't use it to get out of every trap.My first idea was to make the lock on his chains a dead lock seal, rendering his screwdriver useless. But I didn't know how to write it, so I left it out.
sir:
Weave always had muffins for as long as I can remember!
Weave
WEAVE
oh, and
“Why does she hand out with him all the time?”
1839354 I wroted this at 3 AM give me a break. Actually I didn't even realize I posted it yet. I forgot to pre-read it. Oops
“Nice to see you’re putting that dictionary I got for you to good use, Ditzy.”
“Doctor, Sweetie Belle isn't even here.”
semiaccurate.com/assets/uploads/2012/03/I-See-What-You-Did-There..png
P.S. Dimensional Augmentation Material Nullifier DAMN
1842586 It took me 2 hours to think of that.
So does the Doctor have a fetish for unicorns or something?
So does the Doctor have a fetish for Unicorns or something?
1844157 A slight obsession mixed with a large amount of silliness. I wouldn't say it's a fetish but I wouldn't rule it out completely either.
1847625 Oh well thanks for clearing that out Poly
'An orange Earth pony with an orange mane and tail.'
Dude, carrot top has green hair, doesn't she?
1881958 Not in the fandom. Its believed since Rarity insulted her by saying green wasn't a good color, she began dyeing her mane orange.
bravo 8.5/10 an excellent story, although you didn't quite take enough time it felt just a wee bit rushed.
BTW i will be following
p.s. first
1892016 Yeah I was just kind of trying to get it done. I'm not completely proud of it, but oh well. Thanks for reading!
I believe you meant dawned in that second to last sentence. As is, it sounds as though someone put Twilight on as clothing.
a... Jam Lark?
1909139 Jam Lark: Extra dimensional beings, distantly related to larks. Main characteristics include large body, long neck and beak, and an ability to punch portals through space and time in order to reach food sources. Aptly named because of a tendency to steal jelly or other large pectin sources, which they need as a food source for their young. Females lay the eggs while the males look after them, typically watching over them and incubating for up to 8-10 years. They are near extinction, approximately only about four remain in the entire universe, given that the mother of the last three hatchlings is now deceased.
Yes, Jam Lark. In my dream it was a Jam Lark. Dont ask me why, I no longer remember it. All I have to go on is this crumpled piece of paper with horrible handwriting.
>>Polygrammar and the doctor?
It's funny how the Doctor doesn't like unicorns...
The Cutie Mark Crusader's pony napped Doctor Whooves?!
1. You are doing well with giving the characters personalities that differ from each other so they don't sound the same. This is also good for bringing the story to life and get the reader interested in reading for the characters.
2. I see you have your hook being in two places: The first being when the Doctor is explaining the holes opening around Ponyville and the threat it holds which would get the ball rolling for the plot of the story. The second being when Ditzy and the Doctor listen in on Twilight and Rarity's conversation about Berry Punch's jam disappearing and how both of the hooks are connected is a really big thing.
NOTHING
1. I see from the get go that you're going for a comedic style of writing where one pony's positive equals another pony's negative.
2. I also see that you are going along with the pre-created personalities of Ditzy and the Doctor from the web show.
This is already very interesting to me and I'm very interested in continuing on to the other chapters. You keep true to BaldDumboRat's set personalities of the characters and even the comedy that the webshow has. You kept true to keeping Ditzy the focus character of the chapter until it proved to be be ineffective to bringing out more drama, though I'm not a real big fan of this happening. I hope to see this continued in the later chapters.
I'll give this chapter a 9.3/10 for the personalities of the characters and hook.
nicely written!