Act I - 03 - I've Been a Fool and I've Been Blind
Act One:
"Pride Comes Before the Fall"
Chapter Three
"And I've Been a Fool and I've Been Blind"
At Trixie’s words, Rainbow Dash looked down the dark passage. She saw nothing but more darkness.
“Are you absolutely sure?” she asked, once more looking into Trixie’s eyes.
Trixie’s eyes drifted towards Rainbow Dash and the fear in them was so piercing Rainbow Dash didn't even need the nod Trixie offered.
Rainbow Dash put a hoof on Trixie’s shoulder. “Trixie! Trixie listen to me.”
Trixie flinched slightly at her touch but her ears turned slowly towards Rainbow Dash.
“Trixie, I know what you’re thinking. There’s nopony speaking to you. Understand? There’s just us. Now, we’re going to go in there, and we’re going to be fine. Understand?”
Trixie nodded dumbly, as if in a daze. Rainbow Dash gave her the most reassuring smile she could manage and motioned towards the others and they all made their way into the passage.
The passage, however, turned out to be unexpectedly narrow and tight, forcing them to all walk single file, with Rainbow Dash leading the way, followed closely by Trixie.
The tunnel suddenly opened and they found themselves in the royal chamber. The first thing to catch their sight was an immense, black throne that looked as if it had seen much better days. A tall figure sat upon it, shrouded in shadow.
“You have come a long way to seek Death, filly,” The figure hissed. It seemed to have two distinct voices emanating from it, weaving in and out of each other, one low and the other high.
The voice sent shivers down Rainbow Dash’s spine but she stood straight and said in a booming voice, “I am Rainbow Dash Celestiamaden, First Princess of Storms and Thunder.”
The figure leaned out of the shadows and revealed Queen Chrysalis, with her dark green mane straggling her thin black face. Her horn was crooked and jagged with small holes and upon her back were two wings like those of a locust that hung limply at her sides.
“I know exactly who you are,” She said softly, but her voice still contained a hissing undercurrent. “Why are you here?”
Rainbow Dash, feeling somewhat bolder at such a bedraggled sight, stepped forward. “I want to know how your changelings managed to get past Luna and into Asgard.”
There was a long silence as Chrysalis regarded Rainbow Dash intently, eyes no more than slivers of radiating green.
“The house of Celestia is full of traitors,” Chrysalis said finally, her voice drenched with malice.
Rainbow Dash bristled and a red haze fell over her eyes. “You dare dishonor my mother's name with your lies?” she snarled through grinding teeth.
Chrysalis suddenly leapt up from her throne, her horn rupturing in a vile emerald blaze. “Your mother is a murderer and a thief, just like her husband and her father, and all their fathers and mothers before them!” she thundered, her voice heaving between a shriek and a howl. “And why have YOU come? To talk of peace?” She spat the on the ground, as if the very notion was distasteful.
Before Rainbow could retort the queen’s eyes flashed with sudden spite and she snarled, “How very much like your father you are. Same eyes, same jaw, same arrogance. Have you come to seek him in the dust? For that is where he is and that is where he remains and that is where you will go if you do not turn back now.”
“My father is feasting in Marehalla with my grandfather and those before them!” Rainbow Dash spat.
“Murders and thieves do not enter Marehalla.”
“I suppose that leaves your father out then.”
Chrysalis hissed like a snake. “You Borrsons are all the same. You lust for battle, like a gluttonous beast. And you—” She made a sound like a laugh. “You are nothing more than a foolish filly trying to prove herself a mare.”
Rainbow Dash seethed. “Well, this foolish filly is tired of your games.” She hefted Mjolnir in her hoof.
Chrysalis suddenly sat back down on her throne, her eyes still ferociously fastened on Rainbow Dash, and hundreds of changelings suddenly seeped out of the shadows, surrounding the ponies with eyes and horns aglow with malevolent radiance.
Chrysalis bared her own fangs. “Look, foal, upon these daggers for they are the same that ripped your father’s throat from him. And look upon those around you for they are the same that tore your grandfather into pieces before Faust and Marehalla’s hosts.”
Trixie suddenly rushed up Rainbow Dash and pressed her hoof against her sister’s shoulder. “Rainbow Dash, just think for a second,” she whispered desperately. “Look around us—we’re totally and hopelessly outnumbered. Let’s just go home and-”
Rainbow Dash whirled around and glowered at Trixie. “Shut. Up. I’ll handle this; I am the older sister, not you.” She shoved Trixie away and turned back to Chrysalis, so she missed seeing Trixie pressing a finger to her temples as if in great pain.
Chrysalis, who had been keenly observing the exchange, frowned deeply. For a brief instant, she seemed to consider addressing Trixie but instead she spoke again to Rainbow Dash. “You do not know what your actions might cause. I, however...” She paused, her eyes grown suddenly distant and pensive, and did not speak for a long, strange moment. Then, she heaved a great sigh and leaned back in her throne. “Go now, while I still permit it. Your father’s blood sits in my mouth and is enough to satiate me today.”
Rainbow Dash stomped a hoof and was about to step forward but Trixie teleported in front of her, bowing before Chrysalis. “We will accept you’re most gracious and benevolent offer, Your Majesty,” she said in the meekest tone Rainbow Dash had ever heard her use but she also caught a very obvious tremble in it. Trixie then turned and tugged at Rainbow Dash’s cape, keeping a wild, wary eye on the massive changeling Queen. “Come. Let’s go.”
Rainbow Dash was about to protest—Did she not hear what that beast said of their father?! But the abject terror in Trixie’s eyes, coupled with the memory of the rest of Trixie’s erratic behavior, convinced her to be lead away, albeit with a throat nearly choked with anger and bitterness.
Trixie began guiding her back to the passageway out, followed by Spitfire, Soarin, Flitter and Cloudchaser, all looking vastly relieved. Just as they were about to step into the passageway, one of the nearby changelings chuckled. “Run home, little princess, as your father should have,” he buzzed.
Rainbow Dash froze dead in her tracks, a brash grin spreading across her face. Trixie winced.
“Damn it,” she huffed.
Rainbow Dash spun into the air, whipping out Mjolnir, and took the changeling’s head off in one swipe. The decapitated changeling flopped to the ground.
Rainbow Dash landed on her four hooves, grinning widely. “Alrighty then. WHO’S NEXT?!”
Chrysalis rose to her hooves and motioned to her changelings to attack, who instantly lunged at the ponies in a black, buzzing swarm.
Spitfire whipped out two swords and took the head off a charging changeling.
Soarin took his axe and managed to take out two changelings with one blow.
Trixie seemed frozen for a moment before she whipped out several small daggers, flinging them at attacking changelings, piercing at least three right in the eyes.
Rainbow Dash continued to swing Mjolnir around, sending changelings flying in various directions, some missing heads or limbs.
Flitter and Cloudchaser spun around, slicing away at various changelings with their respective weapons.
“You know, Flitter, of all the ways I figured I’d die, this is certainly going to be quite an epic one,” Cloudchaser said as she slammed a changeling with her spiked mace.
“What is with you and death? It’s all you ever talk about!” Flitter deflected an attacking changeling with her sword before stabbing another that leapt out to attack as well. “Ten for me.”
Cloudchaser grunted as she bucked a changeling in the face. “And eleven for me. Well, I figured it would be an important thing to prepare for, you know? You never know when a rogue bolt of lightning might come and zap you or something.”
Flitter simply rolled her eyes. “No wonder the colts like me more than you, you’re depressing.” She sliced at another changeling before pointing another attacker out. “And that’s eleven for me too, to your right.”
The attacking changeling received a spiked mace to the face. “Thank you. And that changeling counts as mine, so twelve for me. And furthermore at least if a colt likes me it’s because I know he cares about important stuff and not just my body.”
Flitter was about to make a retort when Spitfire flew by, being pursued by several changelings.
“Will you two please stop your bickering and cover Soarin's flank?! He’s alone over there.”
She pointed towards Soarin, who, despite being quite the axe-welder (regardless of his notorious pie-eating habits) was rapidly being surrounded by dozens of changelings.
Flitter and Cloudchaser shot each other a quick glance. “We’ll finish this later?” Flitter asked.
“Yeah, over cider,” Cloudchaser responded, jumping into the air to help Soarin.
“Awesome.” Flitter replied, following Cloudchaser.
/////////////////////////////
Meanwhile, Spitfire dodged and weaved through the massive ruins, followed closely by at least six changelings, who shot magic bolts at her.
“Come on, come on…” she muttered to herself, silently cursing the designers of the labyrinthine building. “Give me an opening…”
Suddenly a bolt of magic nicked her ear.
“Damn it!” she spat as she glanced behind her. Stupid changelings, She thought.
“Time to end this.” She stopped in midflight and spun around and pulled out her sword. She flew straight into the oncoming changelings who where trying their best to stop and turn around.
No use, however. Spitfire’s sword cleaved through the various changelings and she landed besides Rainbow Dash, who was swinging at various changelings with Mjolnir and sending them flying back in hordes. She had an almost crazed smile on her face.
“See? Told you this would be fun!” Rainbow laughed as a changeling’s skull was smashed into pieces by Mjolnir.
Spitfire rolled her eyes. “You know I was thinking to myself, ‘Spitfire, you know what’s going to happen if you go. You’re just going to end up starting a fight and engaged in some mad battle. Again.’ And yet, I still said okay. Care to explain?” She shot Rainbow a sarcastic look.
Rainbow laughed. “Maybe Soarin’s right, it’s just that I’m that awesome.” She glanced over in the direction of Flitter, Cloudchaser and Soarin. “Hey Spitfire, looks like they need your help. I’ve got things handled here.” She emphasized her point with a hammer blow to a changeling’s chest.
Spitfire nodded. “Sure. Remember, you owe me one.” With that she flew off to help her friends.
/////////////////////////////
Meanwhile Trixie teleported wildly, evading various changelings all attempting to grab her. She whipped out several small throwing stars and flung them towards attackers. The stars might not appear as physically devastating as a blade, but they caused tremendous pain, all were poison-dipped and enchanted in such a way that made them nearly impossible to remove. Just the way Trixie liked it.
Of course, teleporting took its toll on her magic reserves and her focus was not as steady as usual due to a constant droning reverberating in the very back of her skull. She soon had to resort to simply dodging and weaving around, grasping changelings with her magic then flinging them away.
The changelings however, had seemingly endless amounts of reinforcements with them and for every one changeling Trixie would maim, wound or kill; there would be at least five more to take its place.
I had better pull something fast before these lunatics overrun me…
Just then a horde of changelings managed to back the blue unicorn against the edge of a massive pit.
The changelings all grinned in devious unison, their fangs all dripping venom. The blue unicorn had backed herself into an indefensible position. Her face was the very picture of fear.
They all lunged forward. Instead of hitting a solid pony, the lead changeling went straight through as if it where made of thin air. The lead changeling let out a girlish shriek as he fell into the massive pit, followed by several others. A few remembered the fact that they had wings and lifted into the air, turning instead to attack the rainbow maned one with the hammer.
Meanwhile, Trixie stepped out from behind a boulder and smiled, her horn glowing and the illusory Trixie evaporated into thin air. Shaking her head to clear it, she turned to head back into the fray.
She didn’t get very far though. A massive changeling lunged at her and, before she could react, bit down on her shoulder, hard. Trixie’s shriek was cut short as the piercing pain abruptly faded, replaced by a suddenly icy tingling in her muscles. She looked down and saw her coat begin to shrink, as if it were being absorbed by her flesh, replaced by a hard, black punctured shell.
The changeling looked up at Trixie and its fangs released her as it gaped in bewilderment.
Trixie took one look at the changeling, one look at her leg, and then drove her horn through the changeling’s skull.
Suddenly, Trixie felt a pain like that of a tooth being ripped out exploded through her mind, leaving it an exposed, pulsing nerve. Her body seized and spasmed and white flashed in her eyes. She heard a blood curdling screech and at first thought it was her until she realized it was the changeling—the changeling’s voice sounding in her head.
—IT’S IN MY HEAD—
The thought blazed across her splitting brain.
With her forehead pressed against the changeling’s she could see the life draining from its eyes and with it she felt the pain in her head and the tingling in her flesh begin to subside. Then suddenly, it just stopped, like a door being slammed shut, and she reeled back, yanking her horn out from the changeling’s head. A spurt of steamy, green blood splashing in her face as the lifeless changeling crumbled to the ground.
Trixie stood for a moment, swaying unsteadily on her hooves, her head ringing with the sudden silence. She looked down at her shoulder and saw that her smooth blue coat had returned, with no sign of fang punctures, or in fact any kind of puncture.
She stared at it numbly for a long time, her head feeling so light she expected it to float right off her neck. Finally, her mind began to stir again, tentatively as if afraid of triggering the pain again. The first thought to dawn on her, quiet and awing, was:
…she was in my head…
She looked down at the changeling, realizing she hadn’t even noticed her gender until just now.
Sounds were filling her head again but instead of clotting in the front and back of her head it flowed through it, knitting into consciousness. She kept thinking to herself, Why am I not scared? Why am I not scared? But it was like a key being fitted in a lock, there were no spaces or gaps, just a perfect, smooth fit and click of instinct.
Her next thoughts came smooth and firm:
I can hear their thoughts. I can feel their emotions.
And just that instant she heard in her head "I’ve got her". Before her own thoughts seemed to register, she had spun around and put a throwing star through another changeling’s heart, whose last emotion was shock at seeing her respond so deftly.
She heard and felt thirteen other changeling’s astonishment and then their rage as they lunged at her. Their thoughts and emotions came at her like a wave, crashing and consuming her brain, and it was all she could do to must the focus to teleport herself out of their reach.
But still she heard them and felt them, not the just the changelings but her companions as well, and out of all the thoughts and feelings filling her head one rang clear:
We are going to die.
/////////////////////////////
Rainbow Dash had cleared an open spot just before Chrysalis’s throne and turned to face the queen.
“Well?” she demanded, flippantly tossing another changeling aside. “Aren’t you going to send your best?” Another changeling went flying. “I’m getting bored! Give me a real challenge!”
Chrysalis eyed her with disgust and her horn ignited. The earth beneath everyone’s hooves began to shudder and a thunderous roar split the air.
Rainbow Dash spun in direction of the roar and she felt her heart drop to her hooves.
A gargantuan serpent exploded from behind a wall of rock.
“Well,” Rainbow said to herself. “Certainly didn’t see that coming.”
“Neither did your grandfather,” Chrysalis said and a fanged grin spread across her face.
The serpent instantly turned and raced towards Rainbow Dash. She ducked as the massive creature passed right over her.
She spun round to see the serpent making a bee line straight towards her friends.
“Oh great.” She rolled her eyes and lifted Mjolnir up. Storm clouds instantly formed, lightening crackled inside of them, and she felt the heady power from Mjolnir coursing through her body.
“Here, we, go,” She whispered to herself as Mjolnir ripped a bolt of lightning from the clouds and she brought the hammer down.
A tremendous shock wave detonated from the hammer causing the ground around her to blast away in waves, swallowing up the serpent in a surge of rocks and dust.
/////////////////////////////
Soarin swung with his axe, cleaving changelings left and right. As he readied himself for another swing, a changeling made a flying leap and grabbed his foreleg, managing to sink it’s fangs into his foreleg. Soarin yelped as his leg began to burn and blacken and slammed the changeling against a nearby rock. The changeling fell away unconscious and Soarin’s foreleg returned to its standard sky blue color, except for the two bite marks, which remained a disturbing shade of dark green.
Shaking his foreleg to dispel the numbness, Soarin tore a strip from his uniform and quickly tied a tourniquet to stop the venom from flowing. He picked up his axe again with his other foreleg.
“Hey guys, just as a reminder, don’t let these guys bite you.” He said. The others nodded in agreement.
“Why? Did one bite you?” Spitfire asked, concerned.
“Yeah, but I don’t think he was able to really administer that much venom. Anyways, I think this’ll work for now.” He motioned towards his tourniquet. “Where’s Rainbow Dash?”
As if to answer Soarin’s question, a massive storm cloud formed and a bolt of lightning struck the ground. A swell of rock came barreling towards them.
“Well...” Cloudchaser said sarcastically. “Does that answer your question?”
“Damn it.” Soarin leapt into the air followed by Spitfire, Flitter and Cloudchaser, and of course, a swarm of changelings.
Suddenly, out of nowhere an immense serpent exploded from underneath their hooves and lunged at the ponies.
“Watch it!” Spitfire shouted as she dodged the serpent's dripping fangs.
“Holy Faust!” Soarin cried.
“Quick, back to the landing point! The Bifrost might be open!” Flitter shouted.
The four ponies made a beeline for where they had been dropped off, hoping that maybe the Bifrost would be waiting for them.
The serpent followed after them, hissing, when suddenly the ground under him gave way and it disappeared into the bottomless chasm.
“Certainly didn’t see that coming,” Cloudchaser said as she fought off a changeling that had gotten a little too close for comfort. She stabbed in the head and he went limp and fell out of the sky.
“That’s fourteen for me, you know. We’re tied,” Cloudchaser said to Flitter who simply pulled out her bow and arrow she had packed and shot off an arrow, which went sailing through the skulls of two pursuing changeling and into another, killing both.
“And that’s sixteen for me,” Flitter replied smugly.
They all landed on the edge of the cliff and looked up into the cloudy skies.
“Luna! Luna please open up the bridge!” Spitfire shouted into the clouds.
In a burst of light Trixie suddenly appeared beside them, ashen and panting.
Spitfire shot her a glance. “Where have you been, having tea?”
Trixie shot her a glaring look. “I’ve been fighting.”
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Soarin said, his face taking on a weird greenish hue as he shook his head as if to clear it.
“You okay Soarin? You’re looking a little green,” Flitter said, noticing his weird complexion.
“It’s probably that changeling bite,” Trixie said, eyeing his foreleg ominously. “I told Rainbow Dash this was madness.”
Spitfire ignored her last comment and moved to check Soarin. “This doesn’t look good, Soarin. We’ve gotta get you back home.” She inspected the bite, which was now almost completely black and was oozing green pus.
“Wait a second, where did all the changelings go?” Flitter asked, looking behind them to find nothing but mist.
Cloudchaser nodded. “Two seconds ago there was a whole swarm of them. Where’d they go?”
As if to answer the question a low rumble came from beneath their hooves and over the edge of the cliff came the massive of head of the serpent. It slithered onto the surface and reared itself up.
“Oh no…” Spitfire whispered as the serpent opened it's maw, it's fangs bleeding venom.
Suddenly a loud boom shattered the air and a red dot shot past them straight into the serpent’s open mouth, punching clean through the back of its skull.
The serpent went limp and slid off the cliff into the abyss.
The red dot came back around and landed in a cloud of dust. The dust cleared to reveal Rainbow Dash, looking none the worse for wear.
“Okay, remind me never to try that again,” She said as she shook off bits of the serpent’s innards off her body.
“Oh Faust,” Trixie gasped and spun around, everypony else following suit.
The now all too familiar buzzing sound greeted their ears as a host of changelings emerged from the mist, this time actually lead by Chrysalis herself, her horn beaming sinisterly and her fangs bared. There were so many they couldn’t even estimate a number and they knew there were probably even more hidden in the mist. All off Hekkerhiem seemed to have gathered to swallow them up.
“Well, this is the end,” Cloudchaser muttered and everypony knew in their hearts it was the truth.
Chrysalis reared up and was about to charge when a beam of light shone down on the six ponies.
With a deafening boom, Celestia appeared in a burst of glittering light, clothed in full battle regalia, her spear Gungnir levitated besides her.
“Mother!” Rainbow Dash shouted, raising Mjolnir in the air, her heart instantly lifted. “We can finish them together!”
Celestia shot a withering gaze at Rainbow Dash. “Silence,” She said, her voice commanding.
Chrysalis stepped up to face Celestia, her murky green eyes staring into Celestia’s clear blue.
“All-Mother.” Her voice was oily with mock reverence. “You look rather weary.”
Celestia stared back at the changeling queen steadily, but when she spoke it did seemed to be with great effort, “Chrysalis, let us end this now.”
Chrysalis visibly bristled. “Your child sought this out. I offered her escape and she spat in my face.”
“Yes she did,” Celestia said. “But these were the actions of a filly, treat them as such. Enough damage has been done to each other. Let us prevent more needless loss.”
“I have nothing left to lose.”
“There is always something left to lose.”
Chrysalis shook her head. “We are beyond diplomacy now, All-Mother.” She spat the last word out like an expletive. “Your daughter has got what she came for, her father’s inheritance: horror, pain, and darkness. And Death.”
Celestia took a deep breath. “So be it.”
Chrysalis let out a demonic shriek and ignited her horn, making a flying leap for Celestia. Celestia instantly called forth the Bifrost and teleported herself and the six ponies away.
Chrysalis was sent flying back by the burst of energy and slammed into a bolder. When she came to, the ponies were long gone.
/////////////////////////////
The Bifrost opened once more and they materialized in the observatory. Celestia's face was crimson with indignation.
“Luna!” she shouted, her voice magically amplified. Luna stepped forward.
“Yes, my sister?” she asked her voice completely level and calm.
“I want you to take Spitfire and her friends to the healing room immediately. Soarin appears to have been bitten by a changeling.” Celestia ordered, her voice no longer magically amplified.
Luna nodded and led the four pegasi away, with Soarin saying something about a headache.
Luna cast a glance over her shoulder. “And once I have lead them there, what then?”
“Then you may retire, for I wish to speak to my daughter alone.” Celestia said, affixing her stern gaze on Rainbow Dash, who simply glowered at her hooves.
"As you wish, sister.” Luna bowed her head slightly and walked out.
Trixie, taking this as a cue to leave started to follow Luna. “You stay, Trixie," Celestia said darkly. "I’ll deal with you later.”
Trixie stopped and, looking suitably apprehensive, stood her place.
Celestia waited until Luna and the company were gone before turning on her daughter.
“Look at what your actions have wrought,” she said. Her voice low and soft, and somehow that was more terrifying than if she had been screaming. “You have provoked open war, placed the lives of your friends and family in mortal danger, caused grave injury to one of your companions--perhaps maimed him for life--and for what? A petty grudge?”
Rainbow Dash was stunned. "Defending my kingdom from those murderous beasts is called petty?" she exclaimed. She felt more shock than real anger now.
"It was petty because you acted like a foolish foal. And it is NOT your kingdom, not yet. I still rule over this kingdom, and as both your queen and your mother, you must obey my orders," Celestia said, her tone growing deeper and darker.
"I did exactly as my father would have done and did! I defended Asgard's and our family's honor, how can you not see that?!" Rainbow Dash said, her voice rising with every word.
"You have put the lives of millions of ponies at risk for your honor? If that is what you think your father died for you have no concept of him or honor, you vain, foalish filly!" Celestia thundered, stamping her hoof.
"AND YOU ARE AN OLD MARE AND A FOOL!" Rainbow Dash screamed. "You have no concept of honor, if you would let two our guards'--two of our people--murders go unavenged! Where was your honor then?"
"Where was your honor when your friend's leg was bitten?!"
"Where was yours when your husband's throat was torn out?!"
Celestia actually jumped back as if she had been slapped and Rainbow Dash slapped a hoof over her mouth. Even Trixie couldn't suppress a gasp, the sound seemed to fill the entire chamber.
There was a deafening silence.
Then Celestia hung her head so low her muzzle nearly brushed the golden floors of the observatory.
"It was dishonorable," she said and now her voice was so soft Rainbow Dash barely caught her words. "It was dishonorable of me to allow this wicked seed in you to grow so unchecked."
As she said these words, Celestia lifted her head and began to walk towards Rainbow Dash.
Trixie suddenly stepped forward. "Mother, I-"
"SILENCE!" Celestia barked, her voice once more magically amplified. Trixie instantly shrank back and didn't say another word.
Celestia turned back to Rainbow Dash.
"Rainbow Dash Celestiamaden, by committing these rash, foolish and dishonorable acts, you have opened these peaceful realms to the horror and desolation of war." Celestia's horn begin to glow and Rainbow Dash was enveloped in a halo of magic.
"By the power vested in me as your All-Mother in the name of my father and the Alls before me: I take from you your power!" With these words, Mjolnir instantly untied itself from Rainbow Dash's wrist and flew over to Celestia.
"I take away your title." Rainbow Dash's armor began to dissipate into mist and her wings began to burn and wither like blossoms in flames.
"And I declare you unworthy of your position as First Princess of Storms and Thunder." Celestia was now directly in front of Rainbow Dash and her eyes were gleaming with tears. "Unworthy of the love and trust bestowed upon you by your people, your friends, and your family."
"M-Mother?" Rainbow Dash said, her throat constricted with fear. "Mother please..."
"YOU ARE UNWORTHY!" Celestia shouted in her face but her voice was hoarse with tears.
"I, Celestia All-Mother, by the power of my father and the Alls before, CAST YOU OUT!" A blast of magic shot from Celestia's horn and struck Rainbow Dash dead on.
The whole world suddenly seemed to shift into slow motion as Rainbow Dash was flown backwards, completely enveloped in a massive halo of magic, sucked up by the Bifrost and blasted into a wormhole.
She was gone.
Trixie gaped as if she might scream but no sound came out.
Celestia’s horn died down and she let out a heavy sigh. She looked down at Mjolnir, which was tied snugly to her right hoof.
She lifted it up and examined it pensively.
Suddenly, she drew the hammer close to her lips and whispered quietly:
“Whosoever wields this hammer, be they worthy, shall posses the full might and power of Rainbow Dash Celestiamaden, First Princess of Storms and Thunder.”
And with those words she cast several enchantments and the hammer glowed briefly, a triquetra briefly forming and then dissipating into the surface of the hammer, as if it had never been there.
She lit her horn once more and a small portal opened in front of her. She took one last look at the hammer and once more let out a heavy sigh.
“May her heart find its way rightly to you again,” She whispered before flinging the hammer into the small wormhole where it vanished in a blink of light.
Celestia then drew her wings over her head and sobbed.
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So Rainbow got turned into a Earth Pony until she gets her hammer back?
DUDE! That was awesome!
Oh man I can't wait for you to tie all these characters together. Oh wait I'm getting ahead of myself. Just keep doing what you're doing cause it's working miracles!
2139213 Wow thanks!
How did I not see this update? This chapter was awesome!
2150029
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Ah, BUCK! Why can't you just let your pride go Dash?
From Goddess to mortal, how shameful
Damn, I loved the Changling Queen in this, you done very, very well, shit. I can't wait to see how this will turn out, something dark is coming forth, I can feel it....something dark is coming
What! HOW DID I NOT SEE THE UPDATE for this Epicosity filled, awesomer than bacon, 20% cooler than any other ponified thor chapter!
2214635
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You have no idea how much that means to us....
2226275 WOW THANK YOU SO MUCH! Lemmie go fix those little flaws.
And don't worry, there's some more detail in later chapters. We got this written in about two hours, huddled over the laptop.
2226318
Nah, it's fine. Like I said, you offset it well and I didn't even really notice until I was going back through it a second time. Don't try and go out of your way to fix it, you're doing splendidly as it is.
Also, that cover art is awesome.
2226597 well, thank you for the corrections. I'm typing from an iPad, so I can't really go and fix them this exact moment, but I'll try and fix that as soon as possible
And, also, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LIKING THIS SO MUCH!!!!
This is actually the story I have the highest hopes for (since this, Iron Mare and the as-yet-unwritten Captain Equestria are the most important in regards to what will be shown in Harmony's Warriors (i.e. The Avengers).
Obviously it means a ton to hear such incouraging words from someone who's actually been featured.
“Trixie, Trixie listen to me.”
This should probably be two sentences, just for readability. "Trixie! Trixie, listen to me." would probably look a bit nicer.
“Trixie I know what you’re thinking."
needs a comma after 'Trixie'
There was a long silence as Chrysalis’s regarded Rainbow Dash intently, eyes no more than silvers of radiating green.
typos
also, this line is awesome. just want to throw that out there.
Today, your father’s blood sits in my mouth and is enough to satiate me today.
>you might benefit from changing one of those 'today's.
“We will accept you’re most gracious and benevolent offer, Your Majesty,”
*your
"...coupled with the memory of the rest of Trixie’s erratic behavior, convinced her be lead away, albeit with a throat nearly choked with anger and bitterness."
“Run home, little princess, as your father should have,” He buzzed.
extraneous capital letter
“Damn it,” she huffed.
>you might specify who is talking here, because it isn't instantly clear based on the previous paragraph.
"You never know when a rouge bolt of lightning might come and zap you or something.”
*rogue
"And furthermore at least if a colt likes me it’s because he knows cares about important stuff and not just my body.”
typo?
“Will you too please stop your bickering and cover Soarin flank?! He’s alone over there.”
'will you two'
'Soarin's'
“Yeah, over cider,” Cloudchaser responded jumping into the air to help Soarin.
“Awesome.” Flitter replied following Cloudchaser.
both of those need commas in between
Meanwhile Spitfire dodged and weaved through the massive ruins, followed closely by at least 6 changelings, who shot magic blots at her.
first bold: needs comma
second bold: not a huge deal, but usually with numbers less than ten it's good form to write out the word (ie, 'six' as opposed to '6')
third: typo
Of course, teleporting took its toll on her magic reserves and her focus was not as steady as usual do to a constant droning reverberating in the very back of her skull.
*due to
Meanwhile, Trixie stepped out from behind a bolder and smiled
typo
The changeling looked up at Trixie and her fangs released her as it gaped in bewilderment.
is that supposed to be 'its fangs'?
A tremendous shock wave denoted from the hammer causing the ground around her to blast away like waves, swallowing up the serpent in a surge of rocks and dust.
I think you were thinking of another word there. :p
also, I think 'in waves' might work a bit better. just a suggestion.
“Quick, back to the landing point! The Bifrost might be open!” Flitter shouted.
This seems a little sudden to me- there's a giant snake popping out of the ground, and then she's suddenly thinking about the Bifrost? Seems a little off. :/
Chrysalis reared up and was about to charge when a beam of light shown down on the six ponies.
*shone
Celestia waited until Luna and the company where gone before turning on her daughter.
*were
"I defended Equiengard's and our family's honor, how can you not see that?!"
typo?
"If that is what you think your father died for you have no concept of him or honor you vain, foalish filly!"
needs a comma
"You have no concept of honor, if you would our guards'--two of our people--murders go unavenged!"
This sounds kind of awkward, mostly because I think you are missing a word or two somewhere. :/
"Rainbow Dash Celestiamaden, by committing these rash, foolish and dishonorable acts, you have open these peaceful realms to the horror and desolation of war."
*opened
“Whomsoever wields this hammer, be they worthy, shall posses the full might and power of Rainbow Dash Celestiamaden, First Princess of Storms and Thunder.”
It's just 'whosoever'. 'whom' is the object form, as opposed to the subjective 'who'
Overall feedback:
There's a lot going on here. First off, Trixie continues to be awesome and slightly mysterious. I love stories that explore the side of the anti-hero/villain (or whatever Trixie's role is). Second, the action scene was pretty good; it's a fun and engaging fight scene, especially with the little bits of banter and the kicking of many flanks. Third, all that set-up really paid off, because the scene with Celestia banishing Dash was amazing and I may have gotten some watery eyes.
Also, I had to stop halfway through the chapter, because I realized I wasn't actually editing it, just reading. It was that captivating. :p
2227158 You're typing from an iPad? I'm doing these comments from my Wii U!
Sorry I that I vanished for a while. I've been multitasking for a bit, juggling many things. It's not been that hectic, but it's been enough to make it hard to concentrate on reading and being sure of my feedback when I'm a slow headed person who has the poorest of focus. Enough about me, let us get on with the glory of your work.
. But anyways its because she doesn't feel like Trixie, she's not depicted in the way I imagine. This could be just you trying to build up this hero mask for her, so she can remove it and be her real self. But for now, I'm openly disliking your depiction of her, as I feel it does not stay true to her and I am against that because I am a Trixie fanboy. (Well, it's so you don't have to wonder why I might later give disinterested or negative bias feedback against your depiction of her)....Same goes for Queen Chrysalis (Yeah, she's a favourite of my also, so I guess I'm a fanboy of her as well)
This is certainly an outstanding chapter as it's action-packed, character developing and shows how good you are at balancing out the focus through a number of things going on at once and so on. I paticularly like the depiction of Rainbow Dash, Celestia and in this one.
However I have some gripes. One is Trixie, I'm not saying she's a bad character, but speaking for myself as a whinging Trixie fanboy and no I'm not disliking her because you made her a rapist anymore, I eventually got over that you made her a rapist a day or two ago
But focusing your writing is good here, but writing is never perfect enough to escape cold-hearted criticism and the need to improve my own English through such complaints about your writing.
The figure leaned out of the shadows and revealed Queen Chrysalis, with her dark green mane straggling her thin black face. Her horn was crooked and jagged with small holes and upon her back were two wings like those of a locust that hung limply at her sides. This here is defiantly a personal issue I have, but when unveiling someone epic likes this, I think it me more better if you address her name after you've described her. It settles the image in and make the reader anticipate who this is your showing, giving us the imagery of the shadows being unveiled from her, then bam! It's Queen Chrysalis! Otherwise you've already done the bam and no one really cares about how you describe her because all us Bronies know what Queen Chrysalis looks like.
Chrysalis hissed like a snake. Hissed like a snake makes it sound like she was doing intentionally and just forces it. It would flow better I think it you went 'Chrysalis hiss almost like a snake' or "She hissed snake-like', something like that.
For a brief instant, she seemed to consider addressing Trixie but instead she spoke again to Rainbow Dash. I'm not very good at perspectives, it's why I stick to writing 3rd perspective usually. But considering the point of view is defiantly not around Chrysalis, it's almost like she was being mind read when you said this. I could be wrong, but I'm confident this is breaking the perspective rule.
Chrysalis rose to her feet Hoof I believe.
she landed besides Rainbow Dash Typo!
it's fangs bleeding venom. Bleeding sounds as if someone sliced open it's fangs. In otherwords I have to disagree with the word choice here.
But very good work Avenging-Hobbit and refreshing to be able to read it again.
I REALLY liked the exchange between Dash and Celestia before she was banished. It really showed how patient she was before bringing up what happened to Siegfried. Good on ya!
Well, that was a bit...violent. I always get a little surprised reading about our favorite technicolor ponies filling in the roles of warriors and soldiers. Anyway, good job, but how did Dashie kill that creature so quickly if it was powerful enough to kill Odin?
How long until this story stops being a ponified copy of the first Thor movie?
Why do you keep saying that the ponies have fingers?
5978611
I find it very annoying.
4726568
Many marvel/mlp crossover writers keep doing that.
Fun fact: The hostility in Odin for this line in the movie was not in the script. The actor was inprovising, and Tom Hiddleson (Loki) was actullty surprised that was his honest reaction.