• Member Since 3rd Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 16th, 2014



As Rarity revels in having finally earned herself a place in one of the circles of nobility in Canterlot; she finds her pride undermined by an enigmatic disease; which she does her best to ignore - a choice that soon proves itself to be a terrible mistake; as her secretive attitude earns her the ire of her friends; as well as allowing her illness to intensify; leading to a whole new plethora of complications...

Includes some Spike/Rarity shipping, vampirism and ludicrous use of third-person narration.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 15 )

Looking good so far, the prose is a bit purple for my tastes, but I'm liking it.
Just one little thing–there's a small grammatical error with your dialogue (not that I know anything about grammar, being all dyspraxic and shit).
You write:
"somepony says something." Said somepony
The correct method is:
"somepony says something," said somepony
Notice the comma instead of a period and lack of capitalisation on the word 'said'.

Before reading, you need to add a extra gap between paragraphs, or indent them with the button on the top of the chapter edit page, preferably both. It'll be a few thousand times more pleasant for your readers, and your own, eyes. :moustache:

Rarity and Twilight were a bit catty, and I felt Spike's affection was over-played. Yes he has very strong feelings, (I'm a big Sparity person), but he's also very practical. In fact, Spike's maturity often overshadows the girls. He's willing to tell Rarity her hair was turned green while everyone else tries to hide it from her. To some this might seem mean, but in reality he saved her from further embarrassment by being brutally honest with her. Also, you use swiftly way too much, and there is some repetition issues.

do need to talk about all this time you’re spending indoors…’

‘Well, I’m glad you’ve already thought about all this, Twilight.’

Seems we skip Twilight saying something, which is quite confusing.

Over all, I liked it. I'm excited to read the next two chapters, but I still believe you can improve on this one. :rainbowdetermined2:

Needs a proofreader, and honestly, it's starting to piss me off the way all the girls think about Spike. Applejack's little mental remark about keeping it simple, particularly. Rarity isn't exactly helping, either. I would just love to see Spike outplay everyone, be so great. Anyways, I look forward to the next chapter, but you should really clean it all up first.

I highly appreciate all the critisism you've both contributed; it means a lot to me to get some guidance as to my writing abilities. I'll do my best to address all the issues you've pointed out (well, apart from Rarity being a bit of a jerk; because there's a bit of reason for why I'm making a point of that which will become relevant later on) though, particularly the layout problems; although I'm a little surprised by the thought that I need a proofreader seeing as I had a number of people check over it months before I even dared to publish it here. Still, I'll see what I can do about getting some more skilled editing done.

But regardless; I'm glad you're both liking it thus far; my eloquence in writing and apart ineptitude in formatting aside; and hopefully chapter our should be done soon; since it's about halfway to completion now. I will definately get the formatting issue dealt with before then, though.

1737341 Well, I understood Rarity having raised aggression; it was more Twilight. I'm also assuming that the people you had look over it were friends, and from personal experience, friends tend to be very lenient. There is a group on here full of people who are happy to help authors Looking for Editors. And I want you to know, it is genuinely pleasing to see someone who is so willing to take advice instead of letting their ego and feelings get in the way of their approvement. :moustache:

So many words for so little to happen. =/

It returns! :pinkiegasp: Rarity is gonna have a VERY awkward conversation with Spike. I hope Spike becomes accepting of Rarity's vampirism. My only gripe in this chapter is that it felt like not much has really progressed in this story despite the good amount of words.

I'm disappointed that Spike's reply didn't come back at any point. The guy was hypnotized, he pretty much had to answer truthfully, but Rarity never gave the answer to her question any thought, even after returning to herself. Maybe it's just me, but I feel the answer "My whole life," carries some weight. Honestly, she gives the size of her bed more consideration.

A good chapter all the same.

Well, you've got my attention. Not much has happened yet, but I like what I've read so far.

I would hope that this story updates a bit more quickly in the future, though.


Thanks for the continuing constructive critisism, PathofCloud; and thank you ClassifiedIdiot for the feedback. I certainly won't deny that not much got done in this chapter; partially because I wanted to put a lot of detail into Rarity's vampiric side and also because the end of it was a bit of a slog for me; and thus I just ended up drabbling on about nothing; a rather notable flaw in my writing. I'm sorry for the lateness of the chapter too; I rather lost inspiration for some time and grew distracted by other projects (and work); so it ended up much later than I planned.

As for awkward conversations and the development of Rarity and Spike's relationship; well, that will hopefully be not too far off, following the next part of the plot of the piece. She has her reasons for having ignored Spike's admission, though... predominantly the fact that she wasn't stable of mind at the time, but there is something else to it that should be touched upon soon.
Assuming I manage to regain some motivation to continue, in any case; but hopefully I should have the next chapter done in the next month or so, assuming that university doesn't bite me in the behind.

2145609 Well, chapters like this are necessary to a story's development, so it's fine that it seems like not a lot got done. Especially, when you consider Rarity's first feeding is the main point of the chapter, something that certainly is very important into her descent into darkness.

School, it's a bitch.

I would like it, if it were fixed up a bit.

You have good ideas, a pleasant style...but the things wrong about this fic just kick readers in the face.

Login or register to comment