- Member Since 3rd Dec, 2012
- offline last seen Oct 27th, 2014
OhGodWhy
I write horrible fanfics involving cute technicolor equines doing bad things.
OhGodWhy
Joined 3rd Dec, 2012 ·
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Of course.
Upovte.
mmmmmm delish eheheheheheh
I'm super curious how everypony will react to Twi's pregnancy
Ohh, the implications 
Faved.
That said, your descriptions of the erotic scenes were average and lacking flavour. Complicated Relations and Vindicated Depravity are stories that you could learn from greatly in that aspect.
Good luck!
1731385
Heh, Believe me, there will be some comedy revolving around the pregnancy.
Eh, it's been a few years since I wrote erotica, so I'm rusty.
I haven't even read this yet and while I'm tempted to read it, the amount of words in this chapter tells me that I will be left disappointed and wanting more storyline rather than clop...what do?
1731422
Well, Chapter 2 and 3 are going to have more story than clop. The clop in this chapter was mostly to get the story moving.
1731429
Don't get me wrong, i do enjoy a good clop scene, but without a decent plot leading up to it, it makes things feel rushed in my mind. But what the hay, I will give the first chapter a read. Just try to make your chapters longer. Between 3-6k words is usually more than enough to bring in a decent amount of plot and even a detailed clop scene. Just some friendly advise from a fellow writer.
1731431
Thank you, honestly, I just wrote this for the hell of it, wasn't really trying to make it "Good" but then people actually liked it, now I have to try harder in the next chapter.
1731444
As i feared, I want more storyline!
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/31201402.jpg
Don't take the meme picture too seriously, but that's how i feel right now.
Looking forward to more plot in the next chapter!
1731484
Believe me, I'm already storyboarding ideas for chapter 2 for me to write tomorrow. There will be more plot.
1731497
While your at it, feel free to give some of mine a read if you like. I can recommend a few to you or you can just check my page^^
1731514
Sure. I'll check out some of your work.
1731392
Hmmm, if you plan to go more towards comedy, then I have a suggestion for you.
You could rewrite the first chapter to include a scene where Twilight finds out that she's pregnant, starts panicking and hilarity ensues, etc. And the actual clop scene would be a flashback from a few months/weeks ago.
I'm not forcing anything on you, though
1731554
At this point, I don't really wanna re-write chapter 1, however, in Chapter 2, I plan to involve some comedy when Twilight finds out she's pregnant where the mane 6 and Spike are all like "How did this happen?" and trying to figure it out while all the while Twi is desperately trying to hide the real reason.
So basically I already planned to write what you said into Chapter 2.
Also I don't believe Chapter 2 will have more than one short clop scene...So basically, Chapter 2 is going to make up for Chapter 1's mistakes...I Hope.
But thank you for the suggestion.
I went, I saw, I Came, I went
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/31204525.jpg
Let's see where this goes!
1731757
this ^
This really isn't very well written. Your buildup was completely OOC and the clop was just average. GloomyFace was right about that.
And yet...I'm still curious about where you're going to take this. So I'll compromise. A favorite but not an upvote for you, at least for now.
Your user name says it all.
static4.fjcdn.com/comments/+_282a59415992130e69ed94253d24fae3.jpg
1733586
Well I wrote Chapter 1 with the intention of it failing, so yeah. It is poorly written, Chapter 2 will be better, I hope.
1734903
That is the kind of reaction I was hoping to achieve.
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/450/197/81f.jpg
I eagerly await the next chapter...
1731757 Damn straight. A few weeks ago I decided to forget any self-delusion of my own innocence and I typed "incest" into the search box, just to see what came up.
As expected, my dick did.
Anyway, I'd say this first chapter moves too fast for my taste, but I'm definitely reading the rest just for the concept...
1741079
Trust me, Chapter 2 moves a bit slower, I wrote Chapter 1 in 2 hours, Chapter 2 has taken me about 4-5 hours and I'm not even done with it yet.
Waiting for the next chapter oh and while your at it maybe you can drop down to my page and give my story (my day in ponyville) a look
1742147
It's coming. Taking a lot longer to write than I expected.
Sure. I'll check out your story.
must read MORE
Normally i read this stuff for the shiping. since I don't think there would be any I am enjoying it more for how this is gonna end. So far got a few laughs.
Well...it's an improvement over Chapter 1, at least. Your writing in this chapter is very dialogue heavy, we don't really get a glimpse into the hearts of the characters. Maybe I expect too much for a clopfic, I don't know...
Will still track this because I like the story.
Hmm, I didn't expect that Twi would reveal her pregnancy to her friends so fast. I thought she would panic (lesson zero anyone?) and try to hide it for as long as she could, perhaps even cast an illusion spell on herself when her stomach would become too large. And then, the spell would somehow malfunction in the worst possible situation, revealing her secret!
Oh well, there's still the part with everypony (besides Celestia and Spike) not knowing that she is bearing her brother's foal.
This chapter was definitely an improvement over the first, especially for the erotic parts (although, it could still be a lot better!).
However, I have noticed many small capitalization and punctuation errors, but it's nothing big. You could get rid of them simply by carefully rereading the chapter one more time.
Also, it might be my personal taste, but I feel like you have broken the 'speed limit' multiple times in the two paragraphs quoted below:
aka, pacing problems. It just feels to me that you have quickly written these and proceeded to the next scenes without giving it a thought. I understand that these pieces aren't particularly important to the story, but you could have written them a bit more... subtly.
Another thing. Try to use page breaks:
a quote from here. On fimfiction you can use a pagepreak by simply writing [ hr] (without the space).
I hope this helps. Let's see what you can cook up next
memearchive.net/memerial.net/2201/why-my-pillow-has-a-boner.jpg
That is all.
e.deviantart.com/emoticons/moods/love/lust.gif e.deviantart.com/emoticons/moods/love/lust/aroused.gif e.deviantart.com/emoticons/moods/love/lust/horny.gif e.deviantart.com/emoticons/moods/love/lust/hump.gif e.deviantart.com/emoticons/moods/love/lust/unf.gif dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png
that is how this went lol
Next chapter?
A definite improvement with the second chapter. I need to echo pretty much everything 1745873 said; there's some pacing issues and some spelling/grammar/capitalizations mistakes.
I do want to call out something that particularly struck me, which was Spike's dialogue. It was damn near perfect. Out of all the characters, he was presented the best. "The bedroom was a bit full" sounds like exactly the kind of quip he'd have, and everything else he said feels perfectly in-character for him. Good job.
1731294 You finally say something not perverted!
1767782 lawl
1745873
Thanks for the tips, when I have time, I'll go back and edit the grammar/punctuation.
Yeah, I do have issues with pacing, I don't really know why...Just seems to be a thing with me.
At least it's better than chapter 1, that's a compliment to me.
1744723
Thank you...But I'm afraid I don't quite understand what you mean by "We don't get a look into the hearts of the characters.
Though you may be expecting too much out of a clopfic like you said.
P.S. Apologies to everypony, my internet got shut off for 5 days and I haven't been able to comment or do anything.
1777608
Rejoice! 
Oh, hey there. I honestly thought that you were dead
1777624
He meant that you don't write enough about how characters feel, what they think of their current situation, of their fears, expectations etc.
1777653
Na, I am alive, my internet was shut off for 5 days.
Ohhh.......Yeah, I've never been good at conveying emotions.
1756307
Thanks.
I really could just hear Spike saying the things I was writing in my head. I'm glad you liked it. 
Oh my, this is delishus!
Dat drama.
Who wants to bet that it will be Applejack of all of her firends that will actually discover the truth and to calm her down she will have to confess her that she and Big Mackintosh are the real parents of Applebloom
just the composition of the first half of the story makes me feel like the writer is young... and i almost get the feeling you are afraid to use dirty words. that, or you dont know all that subtle synonyms that are used for sex organs
interesting, was not expecting drama, was expecting clop, despite expectations, was not disappointed.
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1295_u6QAK.gif
*eagerly awaits the next chapter*