• Member Since 11th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Mar 13th, 2015

xscout159xx


I love ponies herpdaderp

T

A thousand years tending to earths happiness and raising the sun and moon everyday must be hard work for on pony to do while her dear sister was on the moon. Much after Luna's return to Earth Luna notices Celestia acts... Stranger then she remembers. Is it in her head? Or is something amiss?

*note Feedback would be epic!

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 15 )

Okay. This was actually pretty interesting. Just... Please proofread your stuff more.

Hm... well... I suppose that your biggest problem is grammar. Do you have a pre-reader? If not, I suggest that you go on ponychan. They have plenty of review threads. Now, I see some potential here. You may want to try and slow things down, put description into more things. Everything just goes by kinds fast. I'll admit, this is a unique take on the cliché "Celestia is evil and/or mentally unstable" story.
My advice? Get a pre-reader, and slow things down.
If you, say, turned this into a mini-series full of political espionage then it would be a very enjoyable fanfic. Also, when you kill a character, have them stay dead. The only time we should see a character who has died is either in a time travel sequence, when their soul returns for one last heartfelt goodbye, or something equally dramatic. I liked the touch at the end with the goodbye note from Celestia.

:trixieshiftleft: :trixieshiftright: Ruthless mod activate! :trollestia:

First thing I noticed (not five seconds in) was the formatting. It makes it easier on the reader to read your story if you put a space between each paragraph and new line of dialogue.

Second thing and I do this all the time in my writing is a minor capitalization and punctuation error. "Luna! i-im here!" should be "Luna I-I'm here!"
What is stupidly effective as an editors tool is reading your story aloud to yourself, going over every word. I do it all the time and catch dozens of mistakes like this. :twilightsmile:

Third thing is another just minor error. "Tia, may *I* ask why your always in *you're* bedchamber? It seems whenever *I'm* looking for you *you're* here..." Luna asked promptly. No worries so far.

Fourth thing is you know what I'm just going to stop with the minor errors and focus on something else.

Fifth thing. 'Why Tia doesn’t do this really worries me, She needs to clear her head of her duties and mingle with the common-pony.' It should be more apparent to the reader that this is a thought to herself.

Sixth thing. I'm going to run out space in a minute. :rainbowlaugh: Ponyville, while within sight of Canterlot, is a fairly long distance away. There's a reason Celestia takes a carriage there most of the time. It just struck me as odd that Luna would fly herself all the way to Ponyville when she has a badass bat carriage on hoof.

Seventh thing. "No its just nice to get out of the castle once in awhile... I just wish Tia would do the same... Shes always locked in her room, I mean shes a grown mare and she acts like a filly!" Luna suspects there is a deeper issue with her sister, why does she insult her like this?

Eighth thing. It was too short a conversation for Luna to have made the journey from Canterlot to Ponyville. Try to length it and really expand on how suspicious Luna is of her sister and maybe include Twilight's internal monologue as well.

I'm starting a new comment before this gets out of hand.

Cont'd

Ninth thing. "Tia... we need to talk...!" Luna said entering the room, what she sees is very strange. There is a tense issue here. It should be:
Luna said entering the room. What she *saw* she found very strange. Also a exclamation mark at the end of an ellipsis (...) is a misdirection to the reader. An ellipsis shows a pause, a break in the action, and the exclamation mark at the end is just confusing.

Tenth thing. I'm noticing a trend here. I would be perfectly willing to go through and get rid of all the minor errors for you. Spelling, grammar, punctuation, et cetera. If you would permit me. :twilightsheepish:


Look I'm very, very, very sorry to say this... but this is bad, very much.

124925
Yeah, ponychan? Not that willing to go there.
I DID have a pre-reader but he stopped writing even his stuff so yeah.
And I could make it longer, have no idea what political espionage.
And no one died good sir other then Celestia, Twilight was severely injuried and the THOUGHT she was dead she didn't actually die.

124958
No. No she shouldn't.
:facehoof:

124965
Sure fine, probably just gonna either re-write it or just delete it, Everyone expects perfection, I'm not a writer by any means, I draw. I just thought trying other forms of art would be enjoyable.
I'm just ranting now, this story wasn't suppose to be anything big it was just a little Idea I had while sitting in school.

125015
:ajbemused:
You hear that? It's the sound of me not caring!

125052

I never meant to discourage and the only things wrong with your story are easily corrected cosmetic flaws. You had an original idea and you went with it. Like I said I'd before I am willing to edit your stuff. Message me anytime. :twilightsmile:
On one condition. :trollestia:
You say you are a drawer? An artist? I can paint a picture with words well enough but my own artistic skills are somewhat lacking so could you do me a favour and read 'Price' and draw it an image? It has one now but if it doesn't really show the story the way I'd like it too.

Cheers and good luck

125774
That would be cool if you could be like a pre-reader for me, but here http://supernatural90.deviantart.com/gallery/ check out my Deviantart to see if you want me to make cover image, I'm a decent drawer, and learning better to edit them Digitally.

126284

Go over Price and tell me what kind of face it needs :twilightsmile:

In the mean time just ask and I'll go over any writing you send me with a fine comb.

Cheers

126382
Wow! Holy shit! There's NO WAY I can do better that that picture! I draw, but not like that. Sorry, but I honestly don't think I can help you with that.

126525
Ah. Oh well. :twilightsmile:
What do you think of the story so far?

Like i thanks for sharing

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