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My name is Ditzy, Ditzy Doo, a few of you might know me as Derpy Hooves. Yesterday was an incredible day, lots and lots of things happened. Rainbow Dash invited me to watch the Wonderbolts with her, and apparently none of her friends could come. The day was pretty normal for the most part, until we got to the stadium and things got weird pretty quickly...
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Great story
maybe you can read my called my day in ponyville
1725381 Please leave. I feel inclined to downvote your story just from these comments.
I liked this!
Now for some constructive criticism!
The flow of the story seemed to be rushed, in that way,the presentation and wording of your story is cramped. Kinda like word vomit (i do that irl!).
The best prevention of this is to get it all out, then go back through and make small changes with wording, punctuation, or spacing.
Only do one of these at a time though! This helps with keeping the story intact as well as keeping the readers attention.
Other than that, me liked. So I
!
Me gusta. Never thought I would go for a couple like this.
“I am going to stop right there, because if you are an adult or teenager, you probably knew what happened next. I don’t think you’re stupid, but yes, that happened.” Haha, love this part.
The story was good but there was a bit of grammar mistakes, not to major, but enough where I'm going to mention it.
Refinement is necessary, but you have a good rough. Just expand and proofread and you will go from good to great.
This is either really rough or a great example of an unreliable narrator, in which case this is very well done.
Two words come to mind. Fuckin' A. I just loved that ending. Next on your agenda, write a sequel where they move in together and tell her kids, or some such. Last thing, like the only thing I have a problem with, it ended
1734084 Thing is, I wanted it to simply end the way it did and people can think of the rest themselves
But if I were to do a sequel, it could take a while, I don't want to do it wrong, and besides, I don't think it will be the same, because it wouldn't be from Ditzy's perspective, because I would have to do it with the both of them then and that could become weird... And if I would do it, I would continue here, I would submit a new story, because this can be added to really easily if I wanted to and sequels only fit if the story REALLY ends...
Wow, my mind really wants to do that... We'll see, okay? We'll see
(I have a lot on my plate, so this is getting the shaft, for the moment... That is, if I'm going to continue 
)
that isnt true actualy. (not self promoting) i am writing what is basicaly a sequil to this (but with diffrent characters and i had no insperation from this story). its about dash and an oc meeting for first time and eventualy ending up in a relationship. writing from the point of view of one pony in a relationship isnt that hard, you just have to expirament untill you find the perfect balance.
1735801 Not really what I meant, but still, I know you'r right, but if I were to make a sequel, it would have to be in the spirit of this story... I wouldn't want to do it otherwise
1734138
Okie Dokie Lokie, if you decide upon it an need a prereader, I can do it
1737010. still a very good story, weather you continue or not.
Sorry i could not finish this, there were so many random thoughts and background being placed into a short that it kept drawing me away from the story.
The emotional escalation was incredibly fast and the resolution was practically instantaneous.
You present Ditzy as just a friendly and caring, if sometimes clumsy mare and have her use her story placed familial status to threaten a side character, then go on to have her say she would take his acceptance of her deception as a favor and see he gets a pay increase, which she was lying about the whole time? That is not very caring or friendly for the Ditzy portrayed in your introduction, it is straight manipulative. You then switch back to having Ditzy go back to being friendly and rejecting her implied status even though she has been abusing said status for her own goals. I could not get past the two-faced characterization when you have established Ditzy as having rejected that lifestyle and being a thoughtful friend even to the point of accepting someone assigned to watch over her as a good friend.
The story writing gives off a British feel but doesn't hold to it with the phrasing perhaps that was just spelling errors and critical sentence junctions but it appeared several times, some spell checking or another shot a revision could help with that. Perhaps a pre-reader if you did not use one.
The story could certainly use some revision and polish, but as for now, sorry but no thank you.
1769973 I actually want to clear something out here:
Firstly: yes, I know the story has bad grammar and all those other things, it's pretty hard to improve on those places when every single pre-reader i've ever asked have pretty much never replied, without any reason what so ever, so there's that.
As for the Ditzy thingy, I never completely said that she ignored or hated her status, I simply said that she decided to live on her because she wanted to, it's simple as that. She is friends with Carrot Top because she wants to, she doesn't despise her in any way shape or form, she is simply slightly angered at Carrot Top's attitude, but she can't be bothered to ask her to stop because she simple doesn't want to. As for using her status, she never said that she didn't want to that outright,though she did say that she didn't want to hurt anypony with it and that's true, she wouldn't have sent her father on the guys if he didn't let them in, she simply tried, as for the promotion thing, when did she have time for that during the story? never, that's right, she was going to, she clearly remembered it, she just hadn't done it yet. She never intended to use it in a bad way, for the stadium bit, she simply did what she did because she wanted Rainbow to have a good day, and she doesn't mind using the status thing sometimes, she just think's it's immoral, she still does it, because she' doesn't want to wait, it annoys her.
As for polish, yeah, that could be useful, i have no one to do it though, since I'm horrible at doing such things...
And the end, yeah it was quick, but it's rated teen for a reason, I don't want to include unnecessary scenes and truly, I actually despise clop, can't stand it, but, alas, people do what they want.
I hope this opened up some things, I appreciate your feedback, it's these kinds of things that makes an author improve, that's just the way it is. You don't have to like my story, I've never forced anyone to like my stuff and I don't intend to. So yeah, hope this cleared up some things and may your future be bright (That was incredibly corny wasn't it?)
1770814
Yeah, it would be quite difficult to get polish on it when you don't get enough feedback. It is quite unfortunate that you didnt get enough feedback to fix the grammar and spelling in places. ---> (As i understand it there are groups of pre-readers on this site though i do not know where or any other qualifying information, i have heard other members mentioning that such groups do exist.)
I went back to the part about the ticket master, and i do apologize.
First, i saw the line
as Ditzy saying she was actually tricking him into keeping quiet about the vip box.
Secondly i do see that you resolved that in the same paragraph and i must have misread that particular part due to my previously stated inference.
Finally on that note, Ditzy was surprised at the quick speed of the line and Rainbow was upset. Seeing as how Ditzy was clearly interested in impressing Rainbow, that makes the Ticket Master tricking fiasco a more understandable.
As for:
I did not make it past the scene of them heading to the movies. The aforementioned misunderstanding forced a character assassination into my mind and i could not continue past that point because it seemed like Ditzy was betraying her inner thoughts with rash decisions (Which is not the actual case).
The whole
I am with you on that note. Did you think i was implying it needed it cause a story certainly does not require descriptive physical intimacy to be good. Like i said before i did not make it to that part of the story.
When i input on stories in a negative manner i try to make it so as to point out flaws and holes to assist in making the story better (Especially when i can see the story could have been better and i know how to help address the issue.). I certainly hope you did not take this as an attack on your character. It was half complaint (The complaint being void now) and half wishing the story were edited better.
Since Ditzy was not actually being presented as contradicting herself i can go back and try reading again.
Once again, I am sorry for misreading the story.
1771465 Well, no problem really, I don't see it as an attack on me, I really don't. I am actually pretty new with the whole getting feedback on the internet, but I've heard from multiple locations that you simply need to deal with the 'haters' in a very natural way, don't feed them and such. I appreciate you trying to make me better, I really do, that's what I love about smart people, they can help you become better. What's so good about it is one thing, once upon a time, I actually got a pre-reader, but due to specific reasons, he can no longer do that, and I don't blame him. I tried getting pre-readers from the group on this site, I tried messaging almost all of them, but they either ignored me or never replied, for no real reason.
So yeah, thanks for taking your time to try and improve my writing, and finally, don't worry about misreading, I do that a lot too, so no bad feelings on that front
And finished.
There of course are still some annoying issues with the dialogue.
This one is actually kind of funny, but i think you meant : "She can spot it on my face and figure when it's going to happen." OR "She can spot it and figure out when it's going to happen" or something like that. Some of the spelling mistakes i found could have been eliminated with spell check if the program you made this one has that.
Also as to your previous comments
I do not see at all why Ditzy using her status to stop a fight from ruining her day would be out of place.
And as for the Physical aspect of the ending, The Internet Exists and if someone came to Fimfiction to read clop, there is plenty, i am sure, for one to read if they disabled the mature filter, and i really doubt that someone would get mad over there being no descriptive clop in a romance story. (I have been proven wrong before though, it just seems a very silly thing to be upset about when the internet is full of pornography and they could simply go look for that to begin with rather than pester a writer.)
The amount of background information you place in this story makes it seem like you could have easily made this longer and kept it engaging, though the lack of proofreading would have been a critical issue.
All together it is a good story, though it would greatly benefit from a more edited version.
PS: Perhaps you would do well writing about Rarity seeing as the more refined mare would easily benefit from the British background details you present.
1771526 Hello fellow writer. I am currently writing a Derpydash fic and seeing as you have written the only other derpydash i have yet to see, i was wondering if you would like to assist. I seem to have a perminate writers block. I read this story and loved it and would be very grateful to get some pointers from you. If you would like to take a look at what i have so far you can find it in the Main folder of the group The Herd. (I have barely anything written so far but feel free to look) I really need someone to just push me in the right direction.
1725886 Make them sound like people.....
1867108 XD i was just kidding
1867155Your new to me so i wil forgive you. Me being serious is a Rarity
1725919 hahaha the video that that video originally came from is funny and as such your video made me smile
maybe time for sleep as punctualtion has stoippped
Gotta admit, I'd like a sequel to see how their life is going to be after this.
Love this story... You successfully converted me into a DashDerp fan... one of my many Dash ships.
I believe this takes place in universe 13.5 I like that universe and how the story flowed was fantastic