36: Grunts and squeaks and squawks with the animals. (MMC)
Grunts and squeaks and squawks with the animals.
Chapter published 12th April 2014
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With his tool satchel over his shoulder and a jaunty tune issuing from his pursed lips, Lero ambled his way along the path leading the last short distance to Rainbow’s cottage.
He’d left home especially early this morning as he had been hoping to catch the pegasus still at home in the house she shared with the rest of Herd Macintosh.
A few months back Big Mac and his sisters had pulled Miss Cheerilee’s cottage from its original plot on Canter Lane all the way over to a new location right out on the edge of town. From its new equidistant position Cheerilee was only a few minutes walk further from the schoolhouse than before but it did make it easier for Big Mac to reach the farm and Rainbow to get back to her old cottage-turned-animal-sanctuary in the mornings than before.
Big Mac had mentioned last night over a cider (or three) that the drains at Rainbow’s old cottage were, for reasons unknown though Lero secretly suspected that reasons both foul and fowl may have been involved, completely blocked. He’d asked if the human would drop by with his tools and take a look at some point, a request that Lero had been more than happy - a little too happy maybe considering what he was probably going to find - to agree to.
But, unfortunately it appeared that while the ‘early bird catches the worm’, the early human was still not prompt enough to catch the pegasus as by the time he had reached the charmingly rustic cottage fit for a herd of three, Cheerilee was the only one who still had yet to leave home for the day.
So, as he made his way down the lane to Fluttershy’s cottage...
Why did I just think of Flutterpie? It’s not her cottage! I don’t think she’s ever lived anywhere other than Sugercube Corner since she moved here from Cloudsdale.
...nursing a sudden attack of what felt like the hangover from hell...
What I wouldn’t do for a bacon sandwich and a really strong cup of coffee right about now.
... where he’d bumped into Miss Heartstrings who was out on her morning rounds.
They’d quite literally bumped into each other; Lero’s eyes had been more on his feet than on the pathway ahead of him which, coupled with the wall eyed mailmare’s habit of colliding with trees or lamp posts if she wasn’t paying enough attention, meant that a collision had been all but inevitable.
Lero had to admit that he’d been glad of the company as having the green unicorn at his side had the happy side effect of making him feel calmer than he’d felt all week and thankfully going some way towards helping dispel this darn headache and the encroaching foul mood he could feel creeping up on him, even if the respite would only be temporarily.
At the moment he’d take anything that would make him feel a bit more like himself... he felt... well he just didn’t feel ‘right’ at all. For the last few days his moods had been all over the place and more than once he’d found himself getting either unbelievably tense or downright annoyed at even the smallest things... things that he would normally just let roll right over him like water off a duck’s back.
But around the mailmare, well he felt at peace... like he’d found a tiny bit of balance in what currently felt like a very topsy-turvy life, though he had no idea what it was that was making him feel so... unsettled.
As they idly walked along together - chatting away about everything and nothing all at once - a deep, definitely male voice floated around his head and between his ears.
“Wake up, Mister Michaelides. Rise and shine.”
Lero stopped in his tracks, turning his head left and right, looking around for a face to go with the voice.
“Did you hear that?” he asked, finding no one else around them.
“Hear what?” Derpy asked, one of her eyes taking in the human while the other searched their immediate surroundings for anypony that might have approached them unnoticed.
Lero turned in place, looking around them both one last time, before shrugging and setting off again.
“Probably nothing. Been getting that a lot recently,” the human shifted his tool bag from one shoulder to the other. “So, you were telling me about little Dinky’s cutie mark.”
“Oh yes, my little muffin received her very own cutie mark last night. and it’s in magic! I’m so proud of her,” the mailmare gushed, “I've never been particularly good at magic, a bit of a disappointment to the family really, but little Dinky’s mark.. it’s soooooo cute! Seven little four pointed stars. they look just like my own mark, all in the same positions and everything! They’re even in the same colour... but, like made of stars. How amazing is that?”
Twisting her body around, the excited mare waved her flanks, and their pair of seven little bubbles at the human, her tail swishing from side to side with excitement.
Almost immediately she realised exactly what it was that she’d just gone and exposed to the human and she turned her proffered plot away again, her cheeks burning bright red under her pale green fur as she did so.
“I’m sure it’s lovely,” Lero laughed, not too sure himself if he was referring to young Dinky’s newly received cutie mark or her mother’s rather curvy flanks... and any *ahem* adjacent areas.
Woah, down boy. Mood swings or not, stop checking out other mares.
You’ve got three wives already, you don’t need any more right now.
Two veeeery passionate unicorns, and an extremely adventurous earth pony with enough stamina in the bedroom to outlast both of her horned herd mates combined, was more than enough for any one human.
Those rumours about earth ponies being boring in bed? Most definitely false.
After a little more walking, and plenty of pleasant conversation as Derpy’s embarrassment slowly faded away, the two of them reached Rainbow’s cottage.
And it looked a complete state.
In the front garden the chickens had practically turned their coop upside down with straw and feed strewn all across the grass. All of the potted plants had been swept from their places on the windowsills and around the base of the cottage’s walls and thrown all over the lawn.
On any other day this same lawn would have been kept meticulously manicured by a family of local goats, who instead were currently doing their best to chew through as much of the cottage’s thatched roof as they could.
Amidst all the mess a ragtag pack of dogs were sitting around an overturned washtub on which they were playing a spirited game of cards. One of them had managed to obtain a dealer’s sun-visor which was perched on her head while another had a huge unlit cigar longer than his own tail chomped between his teeth.
Stepping up to the front door, Lero moved to rap his knuckles on the wood but instead found the door already open, hanging as it was from its single remaining unbroken hinge.
“Rainbow?” the human called as he carefully made his way over the threshold and into the cottage itself, Derpy following along close behind him with more than a note of trepidation, “are you here?”
As their eyes adjusted to the sudden change from the bright morning sun to the relative darkness inside the unlit home, a scene of utter chaos unfolded in front of them. Every item of furniture that the small building possessed had been thrown into a pile in the centre of the room. Around the pile danced a multitude of small woodland creatures. Rabbits, raccoons, squirrels, chipmunks, their bodies daubed in tribal markings made of mud - at least Lero hoped it was mud - hopped from paw to paw as they circled the great wood pile, tossing every single keepsake, book or piece of bric-a-brac they could get their paws on onto the growing heap.
As Lero walked further into the cottage he almost stepped on a group of piglets who scurried underfoot, carrying with them a large turnip held aloft on the end of a long stick. Carved into the turnip was what looked not unlike a rudimentary face, its expression possibly one of horror... though it could just as easily have been gastric distress. Trailing behind the drove of squealing young porcines scrambled a lone overweight piglet wearing a tiny pair of cracked eyeglasses, struggling desperately to keep up lest he be left behind.
Careful picking his way across the room, trying his hardest not to squish any of the rioting animals scurrying around his feet as he went, Lero finally spotted Rainbow Connection. There, on the far side of the room, she was held captive, tied as she was to a large freestanding hatstand.
Well, at least she’s not in a pot this time.
As a small group of raccoons and badgers piled faggots of firewood around the pegasus’ dangling hooves, Harry the bear - wearing a crown of feathers upon his head and a rather fetching skirt made of grasses around his waist - danced around the captive pony. Clasped in the bear’s forepaws was a laughably small flaming torch which a terrified Rainbow Connection was desperately trying, though with very little luck, to blow out.
So, it’s circus time... but where’s the ringmaster?
“ANGEL!’ Lero bellowed, Derpy shying away from the sudden noise as every nearby animal stopped what they were doing to stare at the human, “Angel, get out here right now!”
As the rather pissed looking human pointed at a spot by his own feet, Angel Bunny poked his head out from behind a ransacked dresser. Hopping to the top of the piece of trashed furniture, the lapin crossed his arms, as if daring the human to take him on within his own domain.
“What on earth do you think you're playing at this time?” Lero growled, stabbing a finger at the defiant rabbit, “We turn our backs on you and what do you do? You ungrateful little...”
A tiny white eyebrow was arched in a way that Lero found particularly infuriating. Whatever calm Miss Heartstring had previously brought him had met its match within these last few minutes.
“Do you know what Rainbow goes through so she can look after you all? What she’s given up all these these years so she can afford your feed, your trips to the vets, your housing, bedding, keeping you all entertained? It’s not like she’s got a family fortune to fall back on like Flutterpie!”
Flutterpie? How the heck did she come into all this again?
“No, she works two jobs so she can afford to look after you all, she runs herself ragged for you all, she’s sacrificed years of her life, all for you. And now that she’s finally taken a tiny bit of her life back for herself so she can spend time with her herd, here she is again, still putting up with all your crap!”
From his perch on top of the dresser, Angel Bunny just turned away, pushing his nose into the air in a show of indignation. Kicking at a discarded carrot top that was laying at his feet, it sailed through the air before hitting Rainbow Connection square in the eye. As the last piece of the straw finally broke the camel’s back, the distressed pegasus started to cry.
Oh. That. Is. It!
“Oh, you ungrateful little shit!” Lero roared, animals cowering away from the angry biped as he stormed over to the dresser, the heavy wood shaking as his hands grabbed onto the front of the peice, “Now you listen to me you arrogant little lapin- back on my world I’m an apex-fucking-predator...”
Leaning forward, pushing himself right up in the rabbit’s face, Lero bared his teeth, making sure Angel could get a good look at the light catching on his canines, a finger pointing at his own mouth in a very definite ‘See these? These are for you if you don’t behave” motion.
“...and if you all don't start acting like civilised animals then I’m going to catch you, cook you and fucking eat you.”
Stepping up to the human’s own face, Angel stared back with a ‘you wouldn't dare’ expression.
“Oh, you want to try me?” Lero growled, his lips involuntarily curling up at the edges, “What, you think I’m just gunna run away with my tail between my legs? Maybe get myself a little clown suit, come back and do you all a little dance? I don’t think so, fluff ball. Do you really want to know how I know that rabbit tastes just like chicken? It’s been years since I had a good ol’ meat fest, and trust me, you are all looking pretty tasty about now!”
With his face a scant few hornwidths from an angry human’s mouth, Angel no longer looked as sure of himself as he did just moments before.
“And I’ve still to find a use for those boning knives Gilda sent us as a wedding present,” Lero made sure to press against his opponent's weak spot, taking care to put extra stress on each and every sibilant which made him sound not unlike an angry snake. “Oh yes, she thought it was such a marvelous joke... but do you see me laughing now? Well do you, bunny boy?”
By now the rest of the animals were all just standing around in stunned silence, mouths agape as they watched the angry human front up against their fearless leader... who was now showing a lot more than his fair share of fear.
In the middle of the room a ladle slipped through a squirrel's paws, hitting the floor with a deafening clang that resounded around the otherwise silent cottage. From her spot somewhere in Lero’s shadow, poor Derpy almost jumped out of her skin.
From over by the hatstand, his torch still held out towards their captive pony, Harry started to growl menacingly, but was swiftly silenced by a single glare from the irate human.
“And you can shut up too.” Lero snapped, “Don’t push me, teddy bear. I may not be as big as a you but you’ve come to me for enough deep muscle massages to know how much damage I could do to you if I really wanted to.”
After quickly weighing his options and finding them not to be as good as he’d originally thought, Harry backed down sheepishly. A pair of sheep watching the action from a window bleated at him in an obviously mocking tone.
“Good boy,” Lero pointed at the floor by the bear’s hind paws, “now, sit down and shut up.”
Without hesitation, the huge bear did exactly as he was told. After seeing the expression on Lero’s face, the sheep decided it might be best to keep quiet this time.
“Now, everyone else,” moving away from the dresser, Lero pointed at a spot just in front of his own feet, “line up, right now.”
Within seconds every unrestrained creature in the room was in a perfectly straight line directly in front of him.
“Not you, Miss Heartstrings.”
From where she stood at rigid attention at one end of the line Derpy gave the human a bashful smile, but stayed right where she was anyway.
As he paced up and down the line, Lero eyed every one of them - except Miss Heartstrings - much as a drill sergeant sizing up his newest group of recruits would. His expression showed that found them... lacking.
“Now,” he barked, “you’ve got ten minutes to untie Rainbow, sort yourselves out and put this cottage back exactly as it was last week. And don’t make me go all medieval on your asses, it’s almost dinner time and I know where the Cakes keep the tabasco sauce! Now go!”
Clapping his hands together, Lero dismissed his soldiers to their tasks, each one throwing him a crisp salute before scurrying off as fast as their legs of various shapes and sizes would carry them... including Derpy.
As the cottage erupted into a whirlwind of activity, Lero made his way over to where Rainbow was still tied up. Pulling a craft blade from a pocket he soon made short work of the ropes holding the tightly bound pegasus in place.
As the human helped her to the ground, Rainbow’s face was so pink that it easily overpowered the pale blue of her fur and she was having to work reeeealy hard at keeping her wings from springing from her sides.
“Wow, dude,” she breathed, trying her best not to stammer, “the way you totally took charge and saved me, like Prince Layer Cake coming to Royal Knight Skywalker’s aid, but like, real, and right here, and not in a book... that was so... hot.”
“I’ll say!” agreed Derpy, suddenly appearing between the pegasus and the human, fanning herself with a large feather duster. Quite where she’d magiced that up from - as well as the frilly french maid outfit she was now practically hanging out of - was anyone’s guess. Hiding a girlish giggle behind the oversized duster, she disappeared back into the maelstrom of cleansing as quickly as she had arrived.
Pulling her eyes away from that of her savior - eyes that she was starting to get the creeping feeling that she could get lost in for hours - Rainbow took in the hive of activity buzzing around them. All over the cottage woodland creature were running around with cleaning cloths and feather dusters; the larger animals were moving furniture back to their proper places, a group of weasels - who had somehow followed Miss Heartstring’s lead and kitted themselves out with tiny maids outfits - were busy sweeping out every shelf they could find while goats - now dressed as high-class bus boys - were sweeping the floor clean with their tails.
As she stared incredulously at everything that was going on, the pegasus was surprised to find that she’d pushed herself up against the human’s leg, her head rubbing against his hip. Equally oblivious to what he was doing, Lero had reached down and used a thumb to rub behind one of the multicoloured mare’s ears. Rainbow’s eyes shot open at the oddly familiar feeling of those long, strong fingers against her fur.
Though she was surprised, and a little bit shocked, by the human’s actions, she made no attempt to move away or discourage him... in fact she’d moved a little closer, if this was at all possible by that point, in order to enjoy the contact for a few seconds longer.
Suddenly breaking off the contact, Lero made his way back to the front door where his tool bag from where it had earlier been abandoned leaving a somewhat.. confused mare standing alone in the middle of the room.
Bending over so he could grab the satchel’s strap, he was unaware of the pegasus watching him... or rather his flanks as the fabric of his shorts stretched taut over his thighs and buttocks as he retrieved his bag.
Oooh boy.
He’s really been working out since I first found him lost in the Everfree!
By the time the human had stood himself back up - the muscles of his uncovered biceps flexing, exposed as they were by his sleeveless workshirt, as he slung the bag over a shoulder - the mare in question was having a reeeally hard time keeping a rather unexpected attack of the stiffies under control.
While Rainbow never, ever evvvver dream of cheating on her stallion, not even once in a thousand years...
...but by Luna’s teats, this human’s got my tail twitching something crazy!
And it seemed that she wasn’t alone as, from the corner of her eye, Rainbow could see that not only was Derpy’s gaze locked onto the human’s form as he bent and stretched and shook out any tension left over from his recent standoff, but also that both of her eyes were working in perfect unison for once.
It didn’t last for long though as one of the mailmare’s eyes must have realised that she was being watched, a single golden orb quickly swivelling in its socket to take in the pegasus while the other stayed focused on the human, obviously very much enjoying the show. Pretty soon Rainbow figured...
...what the heck, might as well enjoy it myself...
...and did just that.
As the human turned to face the two mares he was a little surprised to find both of them watching him intently, the mint green one’s normally jovially goofy expression replaced with a slight and reserved smile that brought the word ‘enigmatic’ to mind for some strange reason.
It was, however, the pegasus’s face that made Lero look twice as, just for a second though it was, he could swear he saw an expression flitter across her features that he’d never expected to find her pointing in his direction... Lust.
Pure. Unadulterated. Animalistic. Lust.
“Yeah, so, thanks.” Rainbow’s voice was soft, but with more than a hint of a growl as she slowly made her way towards the human, her hips gently swaying in a manner that even if the human missed the not-so-subtle body language, the unicorn standing right behind her certainly couldn’t.
“It was no trouble, ma’am. anything for a lady,” Lero lifted a hand to his brow as if doffing an imaginary hat, all the while trying his best to sound all official-like and not at all nervous. “Now then, as I meant to say earlier, Big Mac asked if I'd mind coming over and giving your pipes a good seeing to.”
Unfortunately it was at this point, and with an extremely obvious and rather embarrassing ‘poomf’, that Rainbow Connection finally lost her battle against the stiffies.
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Who's Rainbow Connection?
4223798
Names got mixed up in this story's version of Magical Mystery Cure along with personalities. Dash calls herself "Rainbow Connection" in this one. Chapter 28 has a bit more detail.
pffff...bwahahaha!
Yes, I've been waiting for these scenes. Fantastic.
Huh. Well. That's one way to restore order and unite two already friendly herds. Play the carnivore card.
Also, nice Lord of the Flies reference.
4223798
Rainbow Dash swapped with Fluttershy. This is an offshoot of the Xenoverse timeline where the Swap came with name changes (note the repeated references to "Flutterpie.") It also swapped a second set of ponies, which is why Lyra currently has a bubble mark and strabismus.
Y'know. This whole swap thing is dragging on a bit, but..... It may well have been worth it solely for that last reaction.
lol, pipes.
Every time I see a human playing the carnivore card in a fic, it reminds me of how badass humans are as a whole.
Any idea how long this mmc induced story arc is going to last ?
4223798
4223925
Not to mention the Apr. 1 round circle portal trip through several Xenofics and one several months old HQ comment thread that ends in Ch. 29.
Oh that is rich!
This was good. And someone needs to do a picture of Lyra/Derpy in that maid outfit.
I hate to do it, because I'm still loving each and every chapter, but I have to add to the calls of "this is going on too long."
Really really looking forward to it getting all cleared up really soon.
Sorry but I gotta leave this here...
4226674
This arc is sorta following the original episode, only stretched out. I'll assume we have find wrong ponies trying to do the followings things before this arc will have Twilight fix it all and we get back to some sense of "Ponyville Normalcy"; make dresses, buck apple trees, mangle the weather, cheer ponies up, and of course take care of the animals (as seen is this chapter).
Lero's off to a good start in his efforts against his world's version of the Swap! Here are some of the highlights for me:
<-- Just the idea of Cheerilee, Mac, and Rainbow herding together! What would the children look like?
<-- There's something indescribably adorable about our dear old "Heartstrings" having wall-eyes.
<-- On one hand, it's so endearing seeing Miss Heartstrings dote over Dinky. On the other, it's quite sad that the Swap caused the real Derpy Hooves to miss such a pivotal moment in her daughter's life.
<-- You're a force to be reckoned with, Bonb... er, Lyra...
<-- Badass. Especially because they ARE "ungrateful little shits," from Angel on down, just as Lero describes. I don't care HOW incompetent she is at her job; only coldblooded monsters would shove their caretaker into a stewpot.
<-- EXTREMELY badass.
<-- Frankly, it's enough to make me wonder what kind of father Lero would be to Dinky. Derpy Heartstrings certainly seems to be thinking somewhere along those lines.
Well done, Quiet Man! I'm very excited to see where this goes next!
This was a blast! Very cool to see the contrast from the structure of Mike's verse to yours, the differences in Lero and all of the ponies. That, and the ending to this chapter was hilarious. Nice work!
Interesting but I'm finding it hard to keep track of which Lero this one is. If he's the one Discord has unhooked from time and is helping or if this is a different one. Commenters, lend a hand?
I like this more light hearted take on the swap
Why is Gilda sending Lero a wedding gift in THIS universe if he never married a pegasus? How could Rare Deluge befriend Gilda in the first place if she never attended flight camp? Shouldn't that thing trigger some sort of response??
Ah the good ol "Lord of the flies" reference
4229323
Still working that one out myself actually, since the next chapter seems a sharp contradiction to this one...unless its being implied that twilight fixed things after that.
I really hope a conclusion to this arc will come so soon and I wonder how Lero will get out of this. I keep imagining that since Lero is affected with magic this deeply, I'm hoping he'll get a vision of the real Rainbow Dash to wake him up and out of this brainwashed state and go find a way to help Twilight for real or at least somehow give Twilight a hint on how to fix things to for real on how they're not really doing anything to help each other with their problems. Which help show them who they really are.
I would give her pipes a trough seing.
I can tell this is a reference to something, but I can't place it.
Please tell me he said this whole thing like Joe Peschi.
Stray letter in there.
7959479
Lord of the Flies is the reference.