• Member Since 27th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 1st, 2022

Cereal


Comments ( 78 )

I honestly don't understand the rating, this ain't that bad. It's actually fairly well written. I guess to many squeamish little philistines can't appreciate incest. It's fine, they probably only downvoted it because they can't read, so don't let it get you down. You did fine. Just work on your pacing, your build-up and don't be afraid to make a little more effort on the story.

Loathe,
Your Antagonist

Okay, while incest frankly disgusts me, I threw caution to the wind and read it to see if there was another reason for your downvote swarm. Luckily for you, there wasn't.

Every seems to be in place. Grammar, spelling, punctuation, it's all perfectly fine. I don't know what drove you to right incest in the first place, but I doubt you're going to become too popular if you keep doing so.

Anyway, not too bad, but the subject matter is going to draw a lot of hate.

It was written suprisingly well, very enjoyable and sensual. Even a non-clop writer like me can learn new ways to describe objects and scenery from this. The downvotes are unjustified, so have an upvote :pinkiehappy:

1724162 Thanks for the tips. I now have words to put to the problems I noticed, pacing and build up. Effort shouldn't be a problem since my next one will be planned out and not on a whim. Thanks again.

1724176 Thanks for the info, it's useful to learn how the user base here works. I didn't realize incest was so frowned upon.

1724182 Yay someone learned something one of my writings! Thanks for reading and the upvote.

The major problem with these stories is that Shining Armor wouldn't do this, the love between him and Cadence is too strong, aside from the fact that if this was a temptation for Shining he's supposed to be a representation of a noble knight, (the romanticized knight) therefore he would resist the temptation because a knight doesn't do that.

With this kind of clopfic, I feel that the scene could have gone better. It was one of the best short ones I have ever read, but I would suggest either continuing it or rewriting it for a better fit. More of Shining being forced into it and then enjoying it. It will be a challenge producing Twilight as a sex craving sister, but the end product should produce more likes. I would also like to commend you on your great grammar. I only saw maybe 1-3 errors. If you choose to carry this story on or rewrite it, I would be more than happy to help you with grammar, scene creation, and anything else you need to further your work. :twilightsmile:

I fucking approve.

yes....ShiningLight is best ship

FUCK DUDE THATS HILARIOUS:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

1725054 So your only criticism is that you think that Shining don't do that kin'a shit?
The door's right over there bro, you can go whenever you want. Or, rather, whenever I want.

Which is now by the way.

1735786 More the OOC factor of it that irritates me.

1735863 But Shining isn't deeveloped as a character too much in the show...
This is based on your speculations of Shining Armor, as he's never developed to be especially faithful to Cadence or anything. It's just not shown that he isn't.

1740248 Good point but part of my assumption comes from the name (a not so subtle characterization cue) and just the strength of the spell Shining and Cadence cast. But I could be wrong

1740283 1740248 Hopefully the story development in chapter two will give you two a clearer picture of Shining Armor's extra love for his sister.

1725163 I've taken your advice and decided to draw the story out for at least another two chapters. I just might take your editing offer.

Not bad, will watch this story definately

Also don't listen to what the negative folk say

Incest clopfics have a pretty polarizing effect, if you see the other incest Fics you will notice they tend to do very well even though they have a lot of negative comments.

If Shakespeare wrote mlp porn I imagine it would look like this.

Seriously though, great work!

1743337 Thanks for the info. I've noticed the trend and will keep it in mind with my further writings.
1759783 I don't know if I would call it that good, but thanks for the compliment!

Not bad, although a bit of backstory both on their relationship and their current situation would have been nice.

I give this story four Rainbows - :rainbowkiss::rainbowlaugh::rainbowwild::rainbowlaugh:
Three Twilights - :twilightblush::twilightsheepish::twilightsmile:
and two Applejacks _ :ajsmug::ajsmug:

That was beyond amazing. Holy hell. Do more.

Me Gusta.

Only one criticism:

The presence of her brother's third leg...

Shouldn't this be his fifth leg?

1786793>>1797287 Thanks for the kind words! I'm glad you liked it.
1781704 I've added a little background in chapter two. I really just wrote the first chapter with only clop as the goal because I wanted to try my hand at erotica.
1807250 I guess the human saying got stuck in my head when I typed that. Will fix, thanks.

1778161
I was referring to your writing style. The way you use different words or expressions every time, and your descriptions of the scenery make this seem rather poetic.

Poetic pornography. That's not something you see every day. Needless to say, awesome chapter.

This is good. This is very good.

Fuck that, this is excellent. I could gush on about the varied vocabulary and the creativity in the sex scenes, but I don't want to write a review as long as the chapter. Let me just say that I am truly impressed. One rarely sees this kind of quality in clopfiction.

The backstory is interesting, but if it happens after Cadence and Shining are married, why are they still living apart? Or am I misreading? Also, Cadence being openly polyamorous is something I can totally see.

Poor Twiley, though.

Shining Armor continued to run his hand through her mane as he lowered his head and kissed her neck.

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

The diversity of the descriptions in this story is admirable. The backstory was also nice, poor Twi.
I'm eagerly awaiting for more :twilightsmile:

1816965 I see, I'm glad you like it. It's one of the ways I try to make it more elegant. It's also why I avoid words like; fuck, shit, cum and such.
1817336 Gosh I'm glad you liked it. Let me try and clear that up since I didn't go into the utmost detail in the story.The time frame during the flashback is right after the wedding. The girls' returned to Ponyville but Twilight stayed to visit the parents. Shining Armor and Cadence do live together, but royal ponies can't take time off for the honeymoon so they're still in Canterlot. Shining Armor spent some of the nights/days off at his parent's house since Twiley was there. It's one of the nights when Twilight gets attacked. He then spends a little more time at the house helping Twilight, but he still technically lived with Cadence.
1818431 ^^
1820396 Whoops! :rainbowlaugh: I fixed that. Nice to hear, and I'm eager to continue writing. :raritywink:

For the love of god, please don't let candy-asses dictate your creativity. People telling you to not write incest because it's gross is the same ideology behind the censorship of Derpy. I beg of you, write what you want to write!! If people don't like it, they can suck on a fat monkey's asshole and move on. This is a fine story. I can't wait to read what's next, friend!

Just how much does Twilight know about what Shining and Cadance are planning for her? It seems she doesn't know everything, which strikes me as unethical from both a romantic and therapeutic perspective.

Also, I'm not sure a long distance relationship wouldn't be healthy. I think it can work. But I guess I'm biased because that's sort of how I set up Twi and Shine in one of my own fics, so... yeah.

I'm very interested in seeing how this plays out.

I have a feeling that it won't be easy to completely 'wean' Twilight off her brother.
Please continue :twilightsmile:

hot hot hot hot hot
more:flutterrage::yay:

wow a back story cool :-:pinkiehappy:

awesome :-) :pinkiehappy:

Will this get an update? I'm curious; this is quite good.

2353090 I certainly plan to continue writing this but between school/work/my novel I just don't have the time. Come summer, when I have no school, (if I don't find time before then) I will write it.

You are mixing up the verbs laid and lay.
lay, past tense of lie, is something one does to oneself.
laid, past tense of lay, is something one does to someone/something else.

Let's examine your use of the word 'laid'.

Shining Armor climbed onto the couch and laid down

Shining Armor did this to himself, so use lay.

Twilight laid prostrate on her bedroom floor

Twilight did this to herself, so use lay

Twilight nuzzled closer to her brother and laid her head to rest on him

Twilight lay her head, not herself, so the use of laid is correct.

Twilight laid under her brother now

Twilight did this to herself, so use lay.

He took her in his grip and laid her back on the couch

This is correct since Shining laid something else (his sister) on the couch.

2489210 Thanks for clearing that up. I remember doing it right sometimes, but, also, I distinctly remember Word auto-correcting it, and in my ignorance I just trust the program. I'll go through it when I get a chance and fix it. :heart:

"Maybe, though I don't see their being any difference from how I normally feel around them.

I think this line needs rewording.

yes, just... all of my yeses. more shiningXlight ships. if shining armor could have, I'm sure he would have married twilight. he obviously loves her the most.

2902933 It's actually there! I just need to run it through editing once or twice and I'll publish it, I swear!

It's late, so I may not be entirely coherent, but the whole thing with Shining not telling Twilight what he was doing bothers me because Twilight's issue is with trust. You don't teach trust utilizing deception. Anyway I might comment more once I've had some rest.

I did like this chapter, though. :twilightsmile:

Took you long enough. :trixieshiftleft:

Okay, so, a pretty sweet chapter. I hope Shining is more honest about his plans from now on, and I hope Twilight can get better soon. A patient should, whenever possible, direct the course of their own treatment, and Twi is starting to do that, so that looks like a good sign. It's obvious they love each other, they just need to work on some communication.

There was some nice clop in there, too. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. :twilightsmile:

“Cereal’s fine. I’ve got a craving for some I guess.” Shining Armor shrugged and fixed a bowl for himself, then sat with Twilight.

Shining Armor's actions should be on the next line, otherwise it looks like he's the one speaking.

her reached a hoof up to stroke her horn

"he"

Also, "apologiizng", "ShiningArmor" and "forgivenhim".

This was very sweet. Shining's methods raise some eyebrows, but I liked the little bit of clop at the end. I'm curious as to how this is going to be resolved, especially Cadance's part of the plot.

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