Ch. 15 - The Running of the Heaves
The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
Running of the Heaves
Morning was supposed to bring new enlightenment from the Muses, flushing away the tattered edges of night and allowing new light to illuminate problems in new ways. In Green Grass’ case, it merely brought a beam of light into his upper window, illuminating his one-room residence and allowing him to turn off the lantern that he had carefully lit when his alarm went off this morning. Twice he had pulled out the heavy drawers filled with neatly stacked thesis notes, ready to begin the long and arduous task of reassembling his thesis, and twice he had jammed them back into their storage untouched.
Spike was right. I have not solved my problem, just crammed the majority of it over to a fine young mare on a temporary basis while my own problem will come back full-sized to smack me in the head about five minutes after my parents discover I’m not really romantically entangled with Princess Celestia’s student. My actions have caused Twilight Sparkle’s sterling reputation to be besmirched for years to come, while my one worthwhile attempt to escape my parents’ misplaced desire to make me ‘happy’ is now carefully stored in two stupid drawers, arranged alphabetically, and totally useless. Just like me. It was no wonder she dumped me in the fountain. I should have just stayed in it and held my head underwater. I wonder if Miss Dewey needs a pool-colt at that retirement stable.
A firm rapping at the wagon door distracted him from the realities of life for all too brief a time. “Come on in, Spike. It’s open.”
The knocking continued, making him grace the unopened door with a glare before rising to his hooves to answer it with a grumble. “This had better be important.”
“Yes?” he snapped as he yanked open the door, only to find himself staring into the light-violet eyes of Princess Celestia, who was standing casually at the wagon door with her hoof upraised as if to knock again. The world faded out from his sight, and he collapsed in the doorway in a dead faint.
“You vant us to do anything, Your Highness?” ventured a hefty, blonde-maned Royal Guard pegasus at her side. The Germane roots of his origin were blatantly obvious from his short blonde manecut to a thick accent that could have been cut with a knife, or at least the short-bladed axe slung across his back. His near-twin on the other side of the Princess gave him a quelling look with a short shake of his head and a light tap of one oversized hoof that did little to suppress Axe’s normally garrulous nature.
“No, I think not. Give him a moment.” Princess Celestia took a step back from the unconscious tutor and hoped her sister was not feeling too melodramatic.
A thick meadow spread out in all directions to the extent of his vision in low, rolling hills illuminated by a nighttime sky so filled with stars as to feel like cool sunshine. A light breeze ruffled his mane as Green Grass jumped to his hooves, only to have Princess Luna descend regally from the sky and land directly in front of him.
“HOLD, MISCREANT. WE ONLY WISH TO— DARN.” There was a faint ‘pop’ as the green-coated tutor woke up and vanished from the Dreamscape.
“Aaahhh!” screamed Green Grass, sitting bolt upright in the doorway to his wagon. “That was the most horrible drea—” His eyes caught a glimpse of Princess Celestia with two massive Royal Guards behind her, and he fainted again.
“You sure you not vant us to do anything, Your Highness?” asked the Royal Guard again, gesturing with a wing. “I could go get a bucket of vatter, no problem.”
“Stars forbid,” gasped Princess Celestia, one hoof across her chest in exaggerated shock. “Just give Luna a moment.”
Green Grass reappeared on the same richly pastured hills, with the same indigo alicorn princess standing sternly in front of him. “CEASE YOUR INFERNAL WHINING. WE HAVE—”
With another ‘pop’, the Dreamscape became slightly emptier.
“Aaaahhhh!” Green Grass sat bolt upright again, his head glancing off the doorframe this time. “That was the most horrible dream. Again. Oh, wait.” He looked back up and straight into the eyes of Princess Celestia again, collapsing with a much more solid thud against the floor of his wagon this time.
“Really no trouble, Your Highness. Ze fountain is right over there.”
“No.”
Green Grass struggled to stand up again, although instead of a grassy meadow, the dark ground under his hooves was strangely springy and some slick substance covered his head, feeling suspiciously like satin sheets. He finally shook off the sheet and looked around what appeared to be a bedroom, if such a bedroom were to be decorated entirely in a lunar motif and illuminated by starlight. From the mahogany four-poster bed so large it could have held a dozen ponies, to the twinkling of gems in the walls in patterns that could only be constellations, there was no furnishing that did not shout, or at least whisper the name of Princess Luna.
A dark shadow seemed to peel off the wall, approaching the bed with a sinuous gait. “I sense thy fear for our royal form, so I hath moved thy Dreamscape to a place of no fear, and taken a form thou shalt view more pleasurably.” The shape emerged into the starlight, with a purple coat and streaked mane looking exactly like Twilight Sparkle.
Except with the sultry eyes of a goddess.
There was another sharp pop, and the bed was once again empty.
“Aaaaaahhhhh!” screamed Green Grass, scrambling around inside the wagon’s back door until he found the fire bucket and dumped it solidly onto his own head in a torrential splash of water, followed by a faint drip, drip, drip.
Off in the distance, muted only slightly by the bucket over his head, Green Grass could hear the singing of early rising birds, the faint noises of the town coming to life, and a subdued snicker, much as a goddess would make with a hoof over her mouth. “Good morning, Mister Green Grass.”
A number of responses rose in his mind. Far, far too many, in fact. He discarded the ones that would get him thrown into a dungeon for the rest of his life and settled on a phrase he never thought he would ever hear himself saying. Ever.
“Good morning, Princess Celestia.”
The faintest giggle sounded again from the world outside the bucket. “I’m not used to viewing my subjects with such unusual headgear.”
“I think buckets are coming into style this year, Your Highness,” he blurted out, since his supply of rational words had been exhausted for the day, and there were no more of them inside the bucket.
This time the Princess made no effort to stifle her laughter, and on some deep inner level he relaxed microscopically. Until his traitorous mind remembered just why she was outside his house. He decided to leave the bucket firmly on his head, no matter what happened to him.
The Princess cleared her throat and said, “What I stopped by to tell you this fine morning, is that the Running of the Leaves has already started, and I noticed you were not in the starting lineup with my favorite student.”
“Well, Your Highness. I’m more the academic, not the athlete.”
The moment the words ever so casually left his mouth, he knew something was wrong. Dead silence filled the air, flowing across the doorway into the wagon and running a cold chill up Green Grass’ wet back. Even the morning birds sounded distant and faint as a cloud seemed to pass in front of the sun.
“I suppose since I’m already up, I could go over to the finish line to cheer on the winners?”
The silence became so much deeper and invasive that the tutor took a tentative peek out from under his bucket, quickly putting it back on his head when he saw the first golden horseshoe tapping quietly on his front steps, entirely too close⁽*⁾ for his nerves.
(*) Green Grass would have much rather the shoe, and its owner, were still in Canterlot.
—
“Or I could go by the starting area and see if I could still compete?” he asked cautiously.
The world seemed to flood back in as all the town noises resumed and warm sunshine covered him once again. “Excellent idea, I’m so glad you thought of it. Well, I’ll see you at the finish line. Until then.” There was a sound of feathers and the sensation of impending doom vanished, leaving the tutor alone under his damp bucket.
Green Grass took another quick peek out from under his bucket, giving a sigh of relief at the absence of any royalty, and dropping the empty bucket back inside the door for later refilling. With a turn of the heel, he closed the door to his wagon and began trotting to the starting line for the Running of the Leaves, first slowing in hopes to be too late to pick up an entry, then accelerating as his few functioning brain cells began to consider just exactly what would happen to him in the event the Princess’ little visit did not bear the expected fruit.
Within moments, he was sprinting.
* * *
Twilight Sparkle was elated to see Princess Celestia at the finish line to the Running of the Leaves, and was more than happy to wait her turn as she spoke with Applejack and Rainbow Dash about their little ‘disagreement’ and the friendship lesson it properly taught. There was something just a little bit off about the Princess that only an attentive pony with a lot of experience would be able to detect. It took Twilight until the two hyper-competitive Elements of Harmony had galloped off to go back and finish their uncompleted job until she figured out just what it was, which made the purple unicorn address her teacher a bit more strongly that she had first intended.
“No, really. Why are you really here?”
“Why, Twilight. Just what do you mean by that?” The Princess waved a hoof at the happy throng of runners and their supporters who were cheering and preparing to return to Ponyville for the after-race lunch. “Fall is really one of my favorite seasons. Ponyville Valley has such beautiful leaves, and I just wanted to come celebrate with you.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Congratulations again on your placement in the race. Fifth place is quite good for a first time participant. Did any of your other friends join you?” The Princess seemed to be craning her neck while looking around, perhaps trying to find somepony hiding somewhere, and most probably green.
“No, Rarity says she’d only get all hot and sweaty, and that’s not ladylike. But Fluttershy is over there; she flies the course ahead of the runners and makes sure all the little creatures are out of the way. And Pinkie Pie and Spike are up in my balloon.” Twilight waved, but was unable to get the attention of the announcers, who had turned their aerial conveyance around and were headed to town with everpony else for the Running of the Leaves lunch.
“Is that all of them, Twilight?”
Her eyes narrowed. “No, he’s not here. I don’t care if he’s ever here. The library gets a copy of the Foal Free Press too, Princess.”
“Oh, yes. That.” The Princess glanced around and lowered her voice. “The photo really doesn’t look that bad.”
“Bad?!” Twilight’s raised voice gathered the attention of some of the late-departing ponies, who decided to stay around to watch the unannounced end-of-race fireworks. “The picture shows me tackling him onto the floor in the middle of a bunch of little foals, and it looks like I’m about to have my way with him right there! You call that not too bad?”
“It’s only a student paper, Twilight. Certainly—”
“ONLY? My parents get a copy! My brother gets a copy.”
“Actually he gets two,” rumbled the hefty Royal Guard pegasus to their side. “Vun for cutting articles out for ze bulletin board, and vun for his scrapbook. Sorry.” The guard cringed under the combined direct glares he was suddenly bathed in, and took a step backwards to keep from bursting into flames.
“Anyway,” said Twilight with a lingering glower at the unfortunate guard. “There is nothing going on between myself and Green Grass. He’s an annoying little twerp who splashed me in the face with a bucket of water when we first met, twice if you count the time I spent the night in his wagon— I mean went out to his wagon to borrow a book! We didn’t sleep together! Well, we were asleep, and we were together, but—”
One huge white wing enfolded Twilight Sparkle in a warm embrace as Princess Celestia gently placed her cheek against her faithful (and frustrated) student. There had been many other occasions where Twilight had ‘lost it’ only to be brought back to reality by a firm hug across the chest; first by her own mother who always knew how to calm down the panic-prone powerful filly with an all-encompassing hug, and later by her respected teacher⁽¹⁾. All the frustrations of the last week just seemed to drain away and were replaced by a warm glow, much like sleeping in a sunbeam.
(1) Before Twilight Sparkle was permitted to be enrolled as Princess Celestia’s special student, her mother made absolutely certain that the Princess knew how to administer an appropriately reassuring hug. There were tests. The Princess passed on the third try. Twilight Velvet was strict with her grading, as any number of students would testify.
—
“Twilight, really. Do you think I just came out here to see some stallion that I heard was taking an interest in you? You’re my favorite student, and I care very much for you. I just wanted to be here to share your experience with the Running of the Leaves, no more, no less. Can you accept that?”
“Oh, Princess. Of course I can accept that. It’s just that over the past few days, it feels as if I’m being pushed into something I don’t want to do. Not by him,” she quickly added, feeling the smallest increase in wing pressure and increased respiration from the Princess.
Miles away, a panting green earth pony, covered in leaves and sweat, paused only momentarily in his running as an icy shiver traveled up his spine.
“He’s been... stupid, but not pushy like those other colts in school⁽²⁾. His parents were forcing him to marry a... well, she wasn’t a very nice pony.”
(2) Yes, they’re still alive and not in some arctic army base, counting penguins.
—
Those suppressed memories caused hidden tensions to bubble to the surface, bursting through the calm that Twilight was trying to project. “How could you do that? It’s a law, and you approved it. His family can force him to marry any pony they want!” She buried her face in the Princess’ warm white neck and sobbed. “Just like mine!”
“Now Twilight,” started the Princess. “You know I would never—”
“That’s Freifrau Sparkle von Twinkle, Bearer of the Element of Magic, Mistress of the Silver Diadem and Defender of the Realm,” Twilight’s muffled voice replied from the vicinity of Princess Celestia’s neck with a sniff. “I Twerped my family. I’m covered by that stupid law just as badly as that vandal. Any time my parents want, they can just trot over some stallion who could make their family more powerful and hitch us up. The law even specifies foals! How could you?!”
“Twilight,” said the Princess, softly lifting her chin up with one hoof so she could look into the distraught unicorn’s eyes. “I would never permit you to be forced into a relationship you did not want. I made that law a long time ago, when the noble houses were in turmoil and breaking apart. Wars were fought over meaningless titles attached to foolish ponies who owned no more land than you could throw a rock across. That law saved many lives back then. You are quite correct; no doubt the law has exceeded its proper lifespan and should be allowed to expire. I promise you, I will see to it first thing when I return to Canterlot. It may take a few months to grind through the system, but it will.”
“Thank you, Princess,” mumbled Twilight, her face still buried in Celestia’s neck. They talked for a while longer, more like daughter and mother than student and teacher while the last leftover runners trotted over the finish line to receive their awards. As all good things do, it ended far too soon with Twilight returning to Ponyville with her friends, and the Princess headed back to Canterlot, with only one Royal Guard remaining behind.
* * *
It was fairly late in the afternoon when an unsteady clip-clopping noise roused the Royal Guard from his well-deserved nap. Technically the Princess had only ordered him to ‘wait’ at the finish line for the tutor, not ‘guard’ the finish line, so it was obvious that a good nap was needed to keep himself fresh. He hopped off the cloud before running a quick hoof through his stubbly mane and flying down to greet Green Grass.
The poor earth pony was nearly totally covered with leaves and leaf-related ground litter, adhering to the exhausted stallion by way of a thick, foamy coat of perspiration that even dripped off the end of his nose. He looked wearily around the empty finish line area and managed to croak, “Did I win?”
“Ha! You funny.” Axe fluttered down in front of the tutor and saluted. “The Princess vent back home to do some Princess schtuff. I’m supposed to tell you goot job if you showed up.”
Green Grass hooved some leaves out of his eyelashes and coughed out a twig. “What if I didn’t show up?”
“I vas suppose to go find you.”
“Oh.” The tutor eyed the razor-sharp short axe slung across the pegasus’ back. “I don’t suppose you know Shining Armor?”
“Captain Shining Armor is goot friend. Almost like brothers. He very good captain, all of Royal Guard like him a lot.” The pegasus smiled, showing quite a few white teeth.
“Oh.” Green Grass looked back at the road to Ponyville and estimated his chances of being able to outrun, or at least outplod the muscular Guard pegasus. It took amazingly little time to estimate the odds, zero happening to be zero no matter how it was calculated. “I suppose you’re here to pass along some implied threats about what will happen if I should dishonor Shining Armor’s sister in any fashion?”
The big pegasus laughed with a low rumble. “Ho shure, dot too. I really volunteer for dis job because I vant to share a drink vit choo. You got stones size of Canterlot mountain. Come on, dere place in town dat has real Griffon Teaflower Ale. Ve share drink, I go back to captain, tell him you goot, hokay?”
* * *
Despite the general festivities at the Runner’s Lunch, Twilight felt unable to enjoy herself. The ‘World Wide Winners’ buffet was a truly astounding spread. The Cakes had managed to put together dishes from nearly every country across the whole globe. From Neighponese vegetables to Germane sauerkraut and Istallian pasta, and even a selection of Prench wines that she just had to sample, for the sake of science, of course. She finally figured out just what was bothering her when she saw the collection of little unicorn students busily decorating a small corner booth in purple and green, with a banner that said ‘Our Favorite Teachers.’ There was a suspiciously romantic overtone to the whole thing that propelled Twilight outside, stomping down the path to where the little green creep’s wagon was parked to give him a piece of her mind. But he was not inside the wagon, or anywhere at the party for that matter either. Even going along with the cute little tykes’ plan and sitting at the table did not draw him out, and by the afternoon as the party wound down, she was beginning to doubt his insidious involvement in the scheme.
Eventually as she helped the Cakes clean up after the party, she managed to confront Mrs. Cake privately. “Mrs. Cake, have you seen Green Grass anywhere?”
“No, dearie. Did he skip the whole party? I wanted to apologize for that little... formula incident that Pinkie Pie put him through.”
“No, I haven’t seen the annoying little twit at all today. Good.”
“Oh, you poor thing.” The earth pony mare patted Twilight gently on the shoulder as she watched Pinkie Pie clean up the ‘Romance Corner.’ “Everypony has just been so excited about you and that young stallion that they’ve missed the point totally. You really don’t love him, do you?”
Relief seemed to gush from every one of Twilight’s pores, and she leaned into Mrs. Cake with disturbing intensity. “Yes! Finally, somepony who understands.”
“Good. I was hoping he would stick around the bakery more often. Oh, Pinkie Pie! Watch out for that—” There was a horrible crash and Mrs. Cake ran out to rescue the party decorations from the pink party pony who had decided the best way to pick up all the leftover ribbons was to bounce around the room twirling, and wrap them around herself. After Pinkie had been unwound (well, as much as Pinkie Pie ever was unwound) and the decorations boxed until the next party, Mrs. Cake finally made it back to her conversation with Twilight Sparkle while cleaning up the leftover food.
“Pinkie Pie is certainly difficult for you two to keep up with,” said Twilight with a relieved giggle as Pinkie bounced away with the box of decorations perched on her nose.
“Yes, but what are we to do? What she really needs is a nice young stallion to settle down with. Somepony who would be able to siphon off some of that excess energy of hers.”
Is she planning on setting up Green Grass with PINKIE? Images of married life with Pinkie Pie flashed through her mind as a series of blinding visuals: standing in front of an altar with both of them dressed in pink, the tutor helping her throw parties, him sitting in the middle of the bakery, fat as a big green beach ball with his feet unable to touch the floor while hundreds of little pink fillies bounced around him. She suppressed a shudder for his fate and put on a heroic smile.
“Oh, don’t worry, Mrs. Cake. I’m certain she will find a special somepony someday. You know what they say, ‘There’s somepony for every pony’ and...” She trailed off as a similar series of images flashed through her own mind: standing in front of an altar with Green Grass shyly at her side, helping her in the library, the two of them teaching a series of green and purple foals, falling asleep with him curled up next to a telescope.
That was the last straw. He had gotten inside her HEAD, and that was beyond an insult. She gathered all of the thoughts of the green tutor up into a metaphorical bag, threw them over a metaphorical shoulder and trudged down into the depths of her mind, only to find the metaphorical steel-walled safe she had planned to lock them away forever inside was lacking in a metaphorical door. And some walls. “Drat.”
“Is there something wrong, dearie?” asked Mrs. Cake. “Would you like some leftovers to take home for Spike? I’m afraid we made too much Neighponese food, and I think he’d like it. I was going to save Mr. Green Grass a plate in case he came in later, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.”
Twilight scowled at the cheerful, marital tone that she used with his name, and scooped up a giant glob of avocado paste on a cracker.
“I’m sorry, Mrs Cake. I love the stuff, but avocado paste gives Spike gas.” She bit down and chewed with all the fury she felt, imagining the green paste was the deceptive green stallion’s hide.
That’s not avocado dip.
* * *
“Seriously, Twilight. I don’t know why you’re making such a fuss, this stuff is terrific!” Spike sat happily in the kitchen, running an emerald around in the bottom of the wasabi paste container, trying to get the last, tasty little green fleck. Out in the library lobby, the unicorn in question lay glumly on the couch, sucking on what must have been the fiftieth icecube of the evening with tissues stuffed in her nose to keep her wasabi-boosted snot production from becoming a nasty puddle.
“Shuth up sthpike. I’m warnthing youth. Ith your bedthime anyway.”
“I’m going, I’m going. Shouldn’t you be getting to bed too?”
“I don’t feel like sthleeping.” True, each muscle in her body ached from accumulated fatigue poisons, and her tongue felt swollen to twice its normal size, but what she really felt like was going to that idiot’s house and stomping him flat. Somehow, this was all his fault.
Oh, don’t kid yourthelf, Twiligthgt. Thith ith your fault. Arrrgh, he even screwed up my internal thinking. Maybe a memory spell? No, that would take away the Princess’ visit today. How about a memory spell on him? Wipe him all the way back to when he got his cutie mark. No, that won’t solve the problem, Twilight. Everypony in town thinks the two of you are... yuck, I can’t even think it. Maybe I could erase everypony in the town’s memory? No, I promised not to do that ever again.
Her eyes were drawn to the balcony, and the telescope that beckoned to her seductively. Luna’s stars had always comforted her in times of great stress except that one time the castle kitchen ran out of cocoa.
“Sthpike? Do we have any cocoa?”
“Are you going to sulk with your telescope again tonight, Twilight? The cocoa’s all gone. I’ll pick some up tomorrow.”
He probably came in here in the middle of the night and drank it. “Sthompthing elth then?” she asked, stomping irritably up to the balcony and checking her star observation log. There was nothing for a case of nerves that could make the entire world better than curling up with her giant insulated tumbler of cocoa and a telescope. And a book or three. And the Princess. It just would not be the same without hot cocoa and by herself; the chilly fall air bit into her coat and made the telescope tremble when she shivered. If only Spike were old enough to stay up at night; despite being theoretically cold-blooded, the little dragon was always as warm as a little oven. Her mind wandered over to the green tutor’s wagon again as she fiddled with the cranky focus knob. He probably would still be awake, and he certainly was nice and warm to cuddle—
“Here’s your juice, Twilight.” The little dragon carefully put the huge insulated tumbler beside the telescope and squinted suspiciously at her. “You seem flushed. Isn’t the wasabi wearing off yet?”
“I’m fine!” she blurted out, bumping the telescope out of alignment again.
“Sheesh, calm down. You just looked a little pink. I used the last two bottles of juice⁽³⁾ in the icebox for your drink, so I added that to the shopping list for tomorrow. Will there be anything else, Lady Sparkle?” The little dragon bowed, and then scampered for safety, heading for his bed with a trail of giggles as Twilight hefted a book.
(3) Labeled ‘Sweet Apple Acres Premium. Keep out of reach of children and open flames.’
—
* * *
The night was not so chilly as she feared and the apple juice did seem to help, burning its way down her gullet to calm the nerve endings rubbed raw by wasabi. After about half the oversized glass had been consumed, it lit a nice warm fire in her belly that seemed to radiate out to her limbs and bring a warm glow to her cheeks. By the time she had reached the bottom of the tumbler, her magical field had grown clumsy enough from the evening chill that she had problems getting out the last drops. In the end, she held the oversized glass upside down for an extended period of time with her tongue stuck out as far as it would go, reaching for that last drop which clung stubbornly to the bottom as if it feared being drunk.
“Well, Luna,” she said⁽⁴⁾, looking up at the sky where the moon was about halfway through its nightly trip. “Excellent job tonight. You deserve a toast! To stallions!” she cried, waving the empty insulated glass around dangerously. “Covered in butter and apple jelly and homemade preserves. Oh wait, that’s toast. Well, I suppose it could be both of them.” She turned the glass upside down and shook it vigorously, or at least held it relatively still and shook, which was much the same thing to her alcohol-bent perceptions.
(4) Or at least that is what she attempted to say. A literal transcription of her conversation would be completely unreadable unless the reader had also imbibed two full bottles of Applejack’s finest sipping whiskey while still remaining conscious.
—
“Darn. Somepony stole my cocoa. I’ll bet it was that darned green bugger. I’ve got half a mind to go... Heh. Half a mind. Think I better step outside and get some air.” After a long, long expedition down the hundreds of steps to the library front door, and a considerable hoof-wrestling with the obstinate doorknob which was determined to keep her trapped inside, Twilight managed to stumble out onto the library front steps and look out across the starlit town.
“Whoa. It’s pretty at night. Now for that air.” She grunted and lunged forward, landing on her chest and plowing a furrow through the grass with her chin. “Little green bugger,” she mumbled, attempting to regain her standing position while looking back over her shoulder. “Steals my cocoa and then goes and steals my wings.”
After finally struggling to a roughly standing position, Twilight shook her head and concentrated on walking. “I’m gonna march right over there and get ‘em back. And my cocoa. An my book. Well, his book. I’m just gonna borrow it, so I can curl up and enjoy myself. Oh, Dulcelstia, fear not. Your loyal knight doth sally forth to wrest you from durance vile! Onward, to glory!”
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I didn't realise what was happening to Twilight, particularly the wings but, until I read the notes, then it was clear and rather scary.
Nooo. Nothing bad could ever happen from such an ending, I'm sure of it! I mean, what else could go wrong?
So are the episodes going out of order for this story?
1841859 Given Twilight Sparkle’s vast arsenal of spells, the fact she’s drunk enough to be looking for an earth pony who stole her wings, and the natural aura of disaster that surrounds Ponyville’s favorite insurance rate riser.... Green Grass is going to be lucky not to be turned into an orange. At least they’ll probably name the crater after him.
“And this is crater ‘Don’t Mess With Twilight.’ Moving on with our tour...”
I laughed so hard at this chapter (Drunk Twilight is best pony).... seriously, WHY doesn't this story have more favorites? Or in the featured box for that matter?
Double teamed by the Princesses in the waking world and in the dream world, yikes.
And suddenly we go grimdark as a drunken Twilight stumbles across a green pegasus and rips its wings off.
This guy, dude. He's a machine. I would have died a long time ago...
Alternate chapter titles: The Ruining of the Leaves; or Twilight's Hot Sauce Adventures, Part 2
This is going to end hilariously. I can't help but be reminded of Cayden Cailean, the man who woke up one day to find that over the course of the night he had become god of bravery and alcohol. Hopefully Green Grass will survive long enough to get teleported into the fountain for being loud near a hungover Twilight Sparkle.
If she doesn't end up jumping Green Grass's bones or at the very least pouring out her confused heart to him, I will be very surprised.
I didn't think that I could be any more sorry for Green Grass but I managed it. Confronted by Celestia in the living world with Luna waiting in the Dreamscape to chase him back should he attempt to flee by fainting. Those two have an evil double-team pretty much perfected!
1844406
They've got the Good Cop/Bad Cop thing down pretty well, don't they?
Hahaha, this could be bad....
And might Twilight have a thing for Celestia? Whenever she thinks about that book she gets pretty into it.
Haha, this is totally going to be the reverse of the first time, isn't it? Drunk Twilight snuggling up with him in his wagon
Some fixes:
> the law has exceeded it’s proper lifespan
Argh! An "its"/"it's" error! The horror!
> The Cake’s had managed to
> as she helped the Cake’s clean up after the party
I'm pretty sure that should be "Cakes", so it's clearly plural rather than possessive.
Gotta say, the scene where poor Greeny faints, only to be jolted out of his sleep, then back and forth again, and again, was probably one of the funniest things I've ever read.
–“HOLD, MISCREANT. WE ONLY WISH TO — DARN.” There was a faint ‘pop’ as the green-coated tutor woke up and vanished from the Dreamscape.
I also just find it hilarious to imagine Luna saying a word so simple and common as, "Darn" in the Royal Canterlot Voice.
I am now imagining him as a pony version of the Jagers from Girl Genius. It is both terrifying and hilarious.
That is both adorable and hilarious.
1843292
If it weren't wasabi, I would call it the Tabasco Fiasco.
Oh good. Drunk Twilight. She can't be any worse than me when I'm drunk. But then again, I don't chase girls down to get back my stolen wings.
Stone Hoof and Axe make me think of Jägerkin. (Apparantly I'm not the only one: 3894206)
Twilight is really bad at explanations.
Huh? I don't quite unders-
Oh.
"“Aaaaaahhhhh!” screamed Green Grass, scrambling around inside the wagon’s back door until he found the fire bucket and dumped it solidly onto his own head in a torrential splash of water, followed by a faint drip, drip, drip."
You've been waiting the entire damn time to use that, haven't you?
Ok... where in the fic did the footnote numbers disappear to?
EDIT: nevermind... I found them... think my eyes are goin a bit Derpy...
i38.photobucket.com/albums/e132/whiterabbit75/35imng.jpg
3894206
I was thinking of Hans and Frans from Saturday Night Live.
This is the stuff from that lunch a few chapters back? The stuff that Green was pining after the next day? Well done carrying it forward, the photo of them at the party as well.
This is where I got bored and gave up.
Griffin Teaflower Ale has 2 virtues
1 It's wet
2 It has alcohol
As to worst ever
The ancient Mongols drank a mix of fermented mare's milk and blood
The Aztecs drank chocolate with hot peppers but no sugar
The ancient Greeks used leather wine containers water proofed with pine tar. Retsina tastes like cheap red wine mixed with turpentine.
7551973 Oldstyle Hot chocolate (hot peppers and cocoa with no sugar) Is actually surprisingly decent if made right,
Have you ever been so drunk that your mind became unstuck in time?
I'm done. Princess Celestia goes and intimidates him into participating in something he does not want to do and which could very likely be hazardous to his health (regarding a certain purple psychopath) and only stops when he agrees to do it? It's ham-fisted manipluation at its worst and it is decidedly NOT clever or even remotely funny. He has his own shit to do. Leave him the fuck alone! Downvoted for a very poor attempt at humor and touting bullying as comedy. Having been bullied my entire school career and beyond until I was forced to take violent action with a baseball bat, it is not funny. At all. This is sick.
I'm going to go reread To Know Hell by Crensler. It's less depressing.
I think you mean hooves.
A dragon with Gas has so many horrible connotations. I'm going to have to think up and use a few of them. 😂
Ah, one if the few good uses for nepotism, getting politicians to repeal unjust laws when it looks like their downsides might fall on someone they actually care about.
But why did Celestia... Huh...
Twilight needs to get a grip on her budding feelings.
Hmm, drunk Twilight is prophetic Twilight? Better not let her friends know.
Well. Rebellion successful. That was fast,
Princessyour Ladyship.Hmm. Must be nice to not have allergies. For me, wasabi/horseradish is actually great for improving the clarity of certain auxiliary airways. So I love the stuff.
Grass, you're about to face another morning you may not survive. Still got that smile ready?
Dang, Applejack. Your booze is so potent, imbibers can break spacetime and see the future!
Oh, this is just too good
Hmm. Half-asleep Twilight stumbling into Green Grass' wagon to read his books shortly before a mostly-drunken Green Grass is due to stumble home, where have I heard this before...