Ch. 13 - He Said, She Said
The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian
He Said, She Said
“Well, girls. It looks like you have another fine newspaper ready to print.” Cheerilee spread the galleys for the Foal Free Press⁽*⁾ across her school table and smiled at her students. Despite their ink stains and paper-dusty coats, they seemed energetic and eager to get back to work putting out the weekly student paper, even this early in the morning. “Just one little change and you can go to print. I like this article on the new unicorn magic tutor, but this section here was copied right out of Twerp’s Peerage. That’s plagiarism, and we can’t have that now, can we?”
(*) Faculty approval was required before printing for all issues of the Foal Free Press ever since the ‘Royal Cake Fiasco.’
—
“No, Miss Cheerilee,” chorused the students.
“I know there are some nice photos of him somewhere. Just clip out that section and glue in a picture before you go to press. I’ll be grading papers upstairs if you need me.”
Light rapping on the wagon door roused Green Grass from his fitful sleep, during that precious few minutes of half-awareness between the ringing of the alarm clock and the actual placement of one hoof outside the warm bed. Thankfully his warm blanket was neither purple, nor any form of female this morning. It was just itchy wool that justified a quick scratch and a hoof through the dedicated bachelor's tangled mane on the way to the door.
“Oh. Spike? What are you doing here so early in the morning?” The little purple dragon was standing patiently outside the wagon door, holding a box with the distinctive logo of Sugarcube Corner embossed across the top, and the definitive aroma of fresh pastry in the air.
“I just dropped by to bring you the cupcakes from yesterday and pick up payment for lunch. I left a note for Twilight to read if she gets out of her bed before noon.”
“Oh.” The tutor opened the box suspiciously. “It didn’t blow up, at least. These look a little fresher than yesterday’s pastries.”
“Well, I kind of ate the other ones during dinner. So last night at bedtime when Twilight told me to throw them at you today — not that I would ever do that — I had to go get some replacements first.”
Green Grass gave a sigh of regret that the bottles that had been nestled in the bottom of the basket last night were not included. Applejack made some fine products, and he was pretty sure what was in those bottles was highly flammable.
“Let me pay my lunch bill too, while I’m at it. Come on inside, don’t worry about where you put your feet, there’s no papers on the floor any more.” The stallion dug out a small bag of money and dropped it into Spike’s outstretched hand. “There you go. I counted it all up last night, and added a sizable tip.”
Spike frowned as he opened the bag. “It’s wet.”
“Well, yeah. You didn’t see what happened? Last night I made up my mind to go to the library and apologize. Sat one foot on the front doorstep and found myself treading air over the fountain. Again.”
“Yeah, she’s still mad at you.”
“Really? I got the hint the second time I tried to go to the door. My exit point seemed to be a bit higher that time. Bigger splash. And Rainbow yelled at me for wasting water.”
“Well, at least she’s dropping you in the fountain. She was so mad yesterday, I’m surprised you didn’t wind up in Froggy Bottom Bog.”
“Don’t give her any ideas on my behalf, please.” Green Grass stared morosely at the box of pastries and poked himself in the slightly fluffy stomach. “Too much pastry for one chubby little teacher to eat alone, I guess. Care to pull up a cushion and join in?”
“Don’t mind if I do.” The little dragon and the tutor munched quietly for a while, the dragon looking around at the miniature library surrounding them while obviously suppressing his questions, and the tutor not volunteering any answers. Green Grass pulled out the drawer with his neatly stacked research notes and sighed before shoving the drawer closed.
“I just don’t feel like restarting my thesis project right now. Spike, how much does Twilight really know about you?”
The little dragon gave a shrug as he took a bite of another cupcake. “About everything ponies know about dragons, I suppose. She’s lived with me since she hatched my egg.”
“Hm. Interesting.” Green Grass pulled a book off the shelves at random and hefted it. “Spike, how much is this book worth?”
“Resale or replacement cost?”
“Both.”
“Twenty seven bits used, sixty five new.”
“You did that without even looking at the title, or opening it up. How?”
Spike looked puzzled. “I don’t know. I’ve always been able to do that. Why do you ask?”
The tutor pulled three books off the shelf and placed them in front of Spike. “Got these when I started my thesis research: Fodor's Dragon Compendium, Dragons Through the Ages, and The Reptilian Threat: Dragons in our Midst. Three of the most detailed reference books on dragons in Equestria, and they contradict each other on each page. I think the Ponyville library has copies of all three. Where are they right now?”
“Fodor’s is on the shelf, Dragons Through the Ages is in the bathroom⁽¹⁾, and Twilight has the third one hidden under her bed. Why?”
(1) The Smallest Library is where dedicated bibliophiles tend to collect the very best of their books, normally a location where they can be perused at length without the distractions of the day interfering with their enjoyment. This location tends to be a very small room with a lockable door, a sink, and a toilet. Due to the Golden Oak Library in Ponyville only having one bathroom, there was also a rather strictly enforced time limit for visitation, along with a ‘No Moving The Bookmarks’ rule.
—
Green Grass held up one hoof. “Humor me. How many books does she have under her bed. Exactly.”
“Thirty four.” The dragon’s face furled in concentration. “How do you know I knew that?”
Green Grass stuck the books back on the shelf. “Behold the fearsome draconus vulgarus and his treasure hoard. It is said that a dragon knows where every single bit of his treasure is located and its worth. You, my fine scaly friend, are a true dragon indeed. Just don’t go forgetting that the purpose of a public library is to loan books out, not to be your own personal treasure.”
Spike chuckled. “You sure know your dragons.”
“No. Not really.” Green Grass waved at the books while letting his breath out in a huff. “If so, I would not have watered the two of you so vigorously when we first met. When I started on my thesis, I studied what little we know about dragons; Twilight Sparkle knows about you and cares about you deeply, Spike. I think she’s doing the world a vast disservice by not sitting down and writing your autobiography. It’s not that the things we know about dragons are so few, it’s that so many of the things we know are not so.”
He stood up abruptly, crossing the wagon’s living space in one step to retrieve a small, red-covered book. “I want you to have this. Back when I first left home and started teaching, I bought this diary so I could write down all the exciting things that were going to happen to me.”
Spike took the book and flipped through it. “It’s blank?”
“Yeah, my life wasn’t as exciting as I thought. Until recently. I think it would be a good idea for you to have it now. If you write down everything that happens to you, and just what it feels like to be a dragon, I’ll be willing to bet some literary agent will offer you a huge bundle of bits to turn it into a book someday. With Twilight’s permission, of course. There must be thousands of ponies who would just love to know what it’s like to be a dragon. You could put out a new edition every few years, and build quite an impressive hoard.”
“I think you’re right.” Green Grass could swear the little dragon was just a bit taller than he was before as he tucked the diary into his bag with a smile. “Twilight’s going to flip when I tell her.”
“Just don’t tell her you got it from me. I think she’s still miffed. How long does she hold a grudge, anyway?”
“I think she’s still mad at the doctor who slapped her rump when she was born. Does that help?” Spike gave him a silly grin which made the tutor snort in laughter.
“No. Probably not. I just feel conflicted, that’s all. My parents have finally gotten off my flank about who they want me to marry, which makes me so happy inside I could just float around the town. And I did it by making your Twilight feel rotten, which just lets all the air out of my balloon. I was so desperate when my parents walked in that I would have kissed you and told them we were hopelessly in love if I thought it would have gotten me free.”
“Hey, my heart is taken. Even though it might be fun traveling around with you in your little portable library here, I’m afraid I must decline your proposal.”
Both of them broke out in chuckles at the thought, with Green Grass rising to the occasion with an over-exaggerated sarcastic bow. “Oh noble dragon. Do not cast my heart aside for the love of your fair lady. For although I am but an itinerant scholar, my heart is truly bound by chains to your radiant countenance; your scales shine like amethyst, your fins have the radiance of lustrous emeralds… and you’re drooling.”
“Hey, you’re the one talking about food. You really need to apologize directly to Twilight though.”
“Oh no!” Green Grass sat down with a thump. “No, no, no! The last few times I’ve tried, things have only gotten worse, and I’m getting waterlogged. I’m taking no chances this time. Letters and avoidance from a distance will be my refuge. Maybe an apology letter would work better if delivered to her teacher.”
The tutor struck up his best theatrical pose, sweeping his hat down as he bowed to one knee. “Oh most radiant Princess of the Sun. I beg a boon of thee, please send conciliatory words to the fair maiden of my heart so that she may forgive my horrid transgression against her and warm her heart to my affections. My words were poorly spoken and my actions without regard to the honor of her House and WHY ARE YOU WRITING THAT DOWN?! Spike! Give me that! Give! Me! That!” Green Grass snatched the paper from the dodging dragon with his teeth and began to chew vigorously, not stopping until all the evidence was consumed.
“Oh, that was good,” laughed Spike, still laying on his back and holding his stomach after their game of ‘catch.’ “Are you sure you don’t want me to put in a good word for you with the Princess? One little letter? A brief note attached to one of Twilight’s friendship reports?”
“No! Oh, no. I really didn’t think this through!” Green Grass rested his forehead against the bookshelf and thumped it quietly. “I just had to jump straight from the frying pan right into the fire. What do you think is going to happen when the Princess finds out what my parents think, and she asks Twilight about me?”
“I think unscrambling your thesis will be the least of your problems.”
* * *
Lunch at Gustav's had been spread all across the outdoor table in a prodigious array of fine dining dishes that had almost been grazed down to the bare plates by the six young mares in attendance. As in any shared dining experience, there were certain participants who ate much more than others. In particular, the athletic Rainbow Dash and Applejack were neck-and-neck in what appeared to be a corn on the cob eating contest. And on the flip side, there were always diners who made do with a lettuce leaf and a few sprouts, which in this case was Fluttershy, and today, Twilight Sparkle.
“Really, darling. You need to eat. It’s been days!”
Twilight Sparkle impaled a poor fragment of salad on her fork and regarded it with disdain. From the point of view of the vegetable kingdom, Twilight could have been arrested for Salad Murder in the First Degree, With Exceptional Circumstances. Around her plate, tiny remnants of innocent cucumbers and radishes lay in pools of salad dressing, shreds of carrots draped their bodies across the sides of the bowl, and tiny bits of lettuce whose bodies had been chopped and rechopped into unrecognizable mush curled around the bottom of the bowl in unspeakable vegetable agony.
“I’m not hungry. I’m upset. And none of you are helping! No, no, no! I don’t mean that! All of you are helping me this week with all your support and care. You’re the best bunch of friends in the world, but you’re driving me crazy! Pinkie Pie, I know you mean well, but please stop planning for the wedding reception. Rarity, I hope that wedding gown you’ve been working on is for somepony else, because I’m not getting married. Applejack, I know you and Big Mac mean well, but I really don’t want you to take the little creep out and ‘educate’ him. Rainbow Dash, I know you think this is so entertaining, but will you please stop hovering overhead whenever I’m outside of the library, and Fluttershy—” Twilight broke off and looked up at the birds in the surrounding trees, quietly whistling ‘Marechiare’ while leaning together in pairs. “Never mind.”
“Now look here, sugarcube,” started Applejack with a reassuring hoof on her shoulder. “Ah know you’re upset about… whatever it was that green meanie done did to you, and you know we’re all here for ya whenever you want.”
“Thank you,” sniffed Twilight, blowing her nose on a napkin. “You all are such good friends.” She smiled bravely and prodded her liquefied salad, managing to spear a limp piece of mostly intact carrot before Rainbow Dash spoke up.
“So what did he do?”
Rarity gasped and threw a foreleg around Twilight in sympathy. “Rainbow Dash, I cannot believe you would be so callous as to ask that kind of question from our dear, beloved friend. I’m certain that when she recovers from her horrid experience, she’ll be more than happy to fill us in on all the details.” The fashionista leaned close to Twilight and fluttered her eyelashes. “Don’t be shy, we’re all friends here.”
“No! I’m not telling you! It’s too embarrassing.”
“Oooo, it must have been something really horrible!” shouted Pinkie Pie while bouncing around the table. “Did he forget your anniversary?”
“No.”
“Did he hurt poor Owlowiscious?” asked Fluttershy with just the tiniest bit of razor-edged menace in her soft voice.
“No.”
“You ain’t—” Applejack lowered her voice and glanced around as if there were evesdroppers behind every tree⁽²⁾ in the dining area “—with foal, are you?”
(2) Which there were. Hey, it’s a small town.
—
“No! Eww! I only met him a few days ago! What would make you think that?”
“Well…” Applejack bumped her hat with one buttery hoof and pushed aside a pile of clean corn cobs before answering with an embarrassed scowl. “Apple Bloom done told me you come out of his trailer that one morning all rumpled and wet, and asked if the two of you were wrasslin’. Ah told her no, and she asked if you two were—”
“NO!” Twilight Sparkle knocked her salad over as she lunged halfway across the table at the embarrassed farmer. “I mean... what did you tell her we were doing? Which we weren’t!”
“Ah told her you were probably borrowing a book.”
“A book! Yes, that’s it. I went over to his bedroom— I mean library, to borrow a book!”
“That’s strange,” said Rarity, touching one hoof to her lips in ladylike thought. “Sweetie Belle said you weren’t carrying a book. And that you said some… Well, let’s just say unladylike things outside his door.”
“He wouldn’t let me do it! I had just gotten started, and couldn't finish it. Do you know how frustrating that is?”
“Yes. Eep!” Fluttershy blushed crimson and hid behind a menu.
“The book! I meant the book!” She put her head down on the table and sobbed. “He took advantage of me in my own library.”
There was a scraping noise as Applejack shoved her chair away from the table and growled, “Ah’m getting Big Mac.”
“No, no, no! Not that way!” Twilight maintained a tight magical grip on Applejack’s tail until she voluntarily returned to the lunch table. “H-h-he kissed me.”
“He kissed ya?”
“Because you wanted to borrow his book?”
“Is ‘book’ a euphemism for something else? Like cupcakes?”
“Wait a moment, Twilight darling.” Rarity patted her gently on the foreleg until Twilight Sparkle had quit crying. “When you say ‘kissed’, do you mean a gentle pressing of the lips upon the cheek indicating a platonic affection to another, somewhat akin to being very good friends who would be willing to do anything for each other like this?” Moving as fast as a striking rattlesnake, Rarity planted her lips on Applejack’s cheek with the tiniest of smacking noises.
“Rares! What in tarnation—”
“Or did you mean the heartfelt expression of passion, long concealed behind a mask of steel for one that you adore beyond words but could never find the courage to express in physical form until at long last the fires of love exploded into a volcano of desire, overwhelming your innermost willpower until you could not resist the temptation to— Where did Applejack go?”
“I’m up here,” filtered down a voice from the nearby trees. “And I ain’t coming down until she quits puckering up.”
“Oh bother. Anyway,” Rarity ran a hoof through her elaborate manestyle and looked deeply into Twilight’s eyes. “What was it like?”
“Horrible. Like kissing a— Wait a minute, I’m not upset that he kissed me. I’m upset why he kissed me. He used me to get out from under his parents’ plans to marry him to the Lady Bee Tress.”
“That horrible gal what gots a laugh like a foghorn?” asked Applejack, carefully picking her way back down out of the tree.
“Who called my shop—” Rarity shuddered “—provincial?”
“The one who said I used artificial butter in my cupcakes?”
“She shrieked at my squirrel friends,” said Fluttershy quietly.
“Yes! That one! He kissed me after our date— No, it wasn’t a date! Our apology dinner! He’s the fourth child of Baron Chrysanthemum according to Twerp’s Peerage—”
“Oh Twilight,” giggled Pinkie Pie. “You Twerp’d your date?”
“Yes! I mean No! It wasn’t a date! His parents set up an arranged marriage between him and the Earl of Pine Valley’s daughter. He wanted to get out of it, so he kissed me in front of them to make it look like we were already dating, and it made me so mad I could have just… Why are you all looking at me that way?”
“Well, Twilight,” said Rainbow Dash, carefully edging away from Rarity. “No offence, but you walked all around town with him, and I didn’t see any kissing or anything. The two of you looked pretty happy, actually.”
“No, he kissed me in the library. I walked around town with him and his parents afterwards because... Well, because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings in front of his parents, I guess.” Six sets of astonished eyes stared at her, unable to fully comprehend why she would be that angry at a stallion she had walked around town with for the whole afternoon.
Wait a minute. Six?
Twilight glared at the mailmare, who had stopped to hover around the table with some letters in her mouth. “Yes, Ditzy?”
“Mail for you. Bills, bills, junk mail, and a nice big envelope here for your coltfriend.” The mailmare smiled shyly and pointed off in the distance where a green pony could be seen next to the fountain. “I think he misses you. All during Dinky’s lessons, if there’s a noise outside, he’s always right there looking to see if it was you. The two of you make a cute couple, but you should try being more discreet. Dinky keeps asking if you are sleeping together ever since her whole class saw you come out of his… whatever that thing he lives in is called.”
“Welcome Wagon?” suggested Pinkie.
“Love Nest,” said Fluttershy with a poignant sigh.
“Boudoir de Book,” said Rarity definitively.
“Trailer of Love,” said Applejack with a smirk.
“Bookmobile,” declared Rainbow Dash. “Mobile Eggheadquarters? The A-OK Corral? The Nerd Nooky Nook?”
With a hiss of repressed anger, Twilight stood up, the letter crumpling into a tight ball inside her powerful magical field.
“Hey lovercolt!” she bellowed. “The wedding’s off!” A purple streak heralded the departure of the wadded-up letter from their vicinity, to reappear with a far-off smacking noise and a splash at the fountain.
“Nice shot,” complemented Applejack as the target began to pull himself out of the fountain in the distance. “Right in the forehead and at this range.”
“I was aiming for his rump,” grumbled Twilight as she started stomping off to the library. “I was hoping to knock some sense into his brain.”
“You know,” said Rarity once the librarian was far enough away to be safe⁽³⁾, “I’m so glad Twilight has good friends like us to help with problems when she needs it.”
(3) For Twilight Sparkle’s experienced friends, ‘safe distance’ had been defined as ‘across the town, inside the library and the door closed.’
—
Off in the distance, the damp problem in question could be seen dancing in joy around the fountain, holding the opened letter and whooping at the top of his lungs.
“Green Grass is taking news of his wedding being cancelled fairly well, don’t you think?”
...with the greatest of regrets that I will be unable to give my daughter to you in matrimony due to her recently being betrothed to Lord Cedar. Despite his hearing loss, he shall be a welcome addition to our family, as he runs the largest lumbering business in the northern portion of our lands. We wish you luck in your future endeavors with the Lady Sparkle of House Twinkle.
Sloped Flank, Earl of Pine Valley
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And then Twilight gets an arranged marriage.
Mission accomplished! Now Greeny needs to do is survive tutoring, then he is out of Ponyville and home free!
Nice bonding moment there between Spike and Green Grass, and an interesting bit of detail there on Spike and his hoard.
Can't quite decide which is my favorite between Mobile Eggheadquarters and The Nerd Nooky Nook, they're both pretty awesome.
Enter the Princesses next chapter, I hope.
From that A/N, I suspect that things are about to get real. Either that's one of Twilight's family, one of Green Grass's family or, worst of all, Celestia or Luna, both of whom are feeling a bit broody and want a party for their surrogate daughter- and sister-figure. Can you say "royal wedding"?
Nerd Nooky Nook?
she sure got over all his offences pretty fast. Let's see how long this one lasts
Blargh... I read on so fast I forget to post the errors I find, lol. Your story is just so good!
Just one here, though:
> although I but an itinerant scholar
although I [am] but an itinerant scholar
Quite an enjoyable exchange between Spike and Greeny. And poor Twilight – though you pull this whole thing off in such a way that it isn't painful to read, like some stories can be.
Twilight holding grudges? That doesn't sound like her, she's pretty good about brushing stuff off
Other than that, this chapter was pretty funny
Well, I wonder if Twilight will ever get over this one. I mean, technically, she did all that she did of her own volition. But the life of a tsundere is a hard one indeed.
Uuummm... I think you meant countenance, not continence. The former means appearance, the latter, self-restraint, especially with urinary and fecal discharge.
5855133 Sigh. Fixed. Although GG does tend to abject fear at the thought of having Twilight angry at him, it's not that bad.
Yeah... I can't read this. Sad too, because it started out interestingly. Then it started shoving romance down your throat at every turn, with everypony being so very out of character. It's unbearable to read, and this is as far as I could get. Sorry Author.
5886536 Um....
Hope you like the rest of my work, although you probably should stay away from Changelings, Love and Lollipops because it gets mushy closer to the end. (and not just because the changeling keeps getting party-cannoned in the face.... well, not mostly)
(Looks at Romance Tag)
It wouldn't be an autobiography if she wrote it for him. And while Spike was okay with shadow writing for Rainbow Dash, I think Twilight's integrity wouldn't allow her to do such a thing.
I think you mean " I think the Ponyville library has copies of all three, where are they right now?”"
Almost made it Rainbow, almost.
6539471 Fixed. Also updated the bookmarks and title to my modern style.
Extra word here...
8846459 Took me forever but I got it fixed.
Spike totally should have sent that letter. He's rather eloquent when he wants to be.
"Mobile Eggheadquarters" just cracks me up every time
What? What you said was close enough to "Spike! Take a letter!" that it probably triggered a Number One Assistant reflex or something.
What a vote of confidence
Anniversary? What?
He got off lucky
I cannot believe I only discovered this story now. This is comedy genius. The footnotes. Twilight's internal monologues. All of Ponyville thinking that Twilight and Green Grass are having an affair. And my god, still so many chapters and the sequels, too. There goes the rest of my month.
11639378 Ahem. And it's a trilogy :) (with some leakover in Substitute Librarian and Farmer Bruener)