• Published 2nd Dec 2012
  • 2,170 Views, 111 Comments

Unrequited - Phil Ken Sebben



Anon deals with Braeburn's secret

  • ...
95
 111
 2,170

Unrequited

Unrequited

You loaded the last bucket of apples into the cart, and gave the signal to Mac. He nodded, and started pulling the heavy cart into town. Applejack trots up to you as you wipe the sweat off your brow.

"Y'all work up a good sweat?"

You chuckle.

"Sure did, ma'am."

"Oh, shucks, Anon. Ah dun told ya, y'all can call me Applejack!"

Miss Applejack was a good pony. Traditional, family oriented, understood the value of a good days work.

"All right then, Applejack."

"Got any plans fer tonight? I was thinking we could have dinner or somthin' together."

Applejack was a nice girl... mare... lady. And she seemed to have a thing for you. If she were a human, you'd be just fine with a girl like her. Sadly, kindly as and intelligent as these ponies are, they're still just animals, and any relationship with one would be an affront in the eyes of the Lord.

"Sorry, Applejack. I was just going to go down to the bar and have a drink with Braeburn."

"Oh, w-well... alright, then."

You feel a pang of guilt as she tries to hide her disappointment. As she walks away, she calls over he shoulder.

"Ah guess I'll see ya in the morning, then."

With a sigh, you stretch your sore muscles, then head off to the bar.


You push open the saloon doors, and enter. Quickly scanning the room, you see Braeburn waving over to you from the bar. With a quick nod, you make your way over.

Braeburn had lived in Appleoosa most of the time you were in Equestria. Then suddenly, a few months ago, he decided to come to Ponyville. He said things in Appleoosa just weren't working out anymore, but he wouldn't explain why. Oh well; it's none of your business, and every man has his secrets.

You became fast friends with him. Big Mac is a good man, so to speak, but he's so stoic and quiet, he doesn't make for very fun company. Braeburn, on the other hand, is much more outgoing. You take a seat beside him, and clap your hand on his back.

"Well hay there, Anonymous!" he says with a grin. "You're hear sooner than usual! That slave-driver give you the day off?"

You laugh as the bartender pours you your usual drink. Straight bourbon whiskey. A man's drink. Braeburn always orders fruity cocktail drinks, but you don't hold it against him. Not everyone has the stones to handle fire water.

"Nah. We just got done earlier today than expected."

"Well, I can drink to that!" he says, raising raising a glass full of blue liquid with a lemon wedge on the side. Holding back a laugh, you raise your glass of whiskey, and tap it against his. You both down your respective drinks.

About an hour later, Braeburn is well past drunk, and you're pretty tipsy yourself. You can't help but chuckle as Braeburn slurs his words and can hardly sit upright. Such a lightweight. As Braeburn finishes the last of his fourth glass, you notice behind him, down the bar, there's a young mare stealing glances at him. Trying to be subtle, you nudge him in the ribs with your elbow.

"Hey, check it out. That pretty little thing at the end of the bar has been checking you out. You should talk to her."

Braeburn doesn't so much as glance at her before he laughs, waving the bartender over for another drink.

"Nah. That's awful nice of her, but I just ain't interested."

"What's wrong, not your type?"

Braeuburn hesitates slightly, before bringing his glass to his mouth.

"Y'all could say that."

The conversation dies down to awkward silence for a few moments.

"Well?"

It's none of your business, and normally you wouldn't press the issue, but you were drunk and curious.

"Well what?"

"What IS your type?"

Braeburn freezes for a few moments, then downs the rest of his drink in one gulp. He suddenly seems much less drunk now that he's serious. He glances around for listening ears, then leans in close. You lean down so you can hear him.

"Now, don't tell no one. But I'm gay."

You sit there in stunned silence, unsure of what to say or think. Braeburn sits back up, waving the bartender back over, while casting nervous glances at you. After about a minute, you finally speak up.

"That's why you left Appleoosa, isn't it?"

At this point, you're beyond caring about what is or isn't your business. Braeburn looks surprised at the question, but nods. Still keeping his voice low, he leans on again.

"I had a partner, out there. In the end, it didn't work out, and he threatened to tell everybody about us if I didn't leave. Now, they don't take kindly to... "us" out west, and my family would have been ashamed of me. So, I came east, hoping to make a new start."

You don't reply. You just stare down at your drink. To think, all this time. Your best friend in this world was keeping a secret from you. All this time, the "man" you confided in, respected, viewed as an equal. Was gay.

It made you sick. With a swift motion, you toss what remained of your drink into Braeburn's face. Braeburn let out a yelp, and brought his hooves to his stinging eyes.

"Anon, what-"

You grab him by the front of that hideous vest he always wears.

"Don't you ever say my name again, you fucking queer."

You shove him backwards off his stool. You look around, expecting someone to protest your actions, but everyone is doing their own thing. Looks like nobody ever saw. Giving Braeburn one last disgusted look, you turn and exit the bar.

About three hours later, Braeburn finally leaves the bar. Judging from all the ponies that left before him, he must have been the last to leave. He stumbles down the street, clearly smashed. As he passes in front of the alley you're standing in, you grab him. Clamping a hand over his mouth, you quickly drag him back into the alley before throwing him into the wall.

"Anon, what is thi-"

You cut him off with a hard right hook to the jaw. He screams, recoiling in pain.

"I told you to never say my name!"

You land another blow on the tip of his nose. Blood falls from his snout like a waterfall. With a cry of rage, you tackle him to the ground, and unleash a flurry of blows on the defensless pony. After a few minutes, he's gasping for breath, choking on tears and his own blood. Your knuckles are battered and bruised, your blood mixing with his. Exhausted, you stand to your feet. Looking down at him, you spit on his face, before giving one last kick to his ribs.

"Don't ever let me see you again, faggot. I'd leave town if I were you."

Braeburn looks up at you, eyes swollen so bad you could hardly see them, tears running down his cheeks washing the blood away.

"But... Anon..." he says slowly through his cracked jaw. "I... loved you..."

You almost vomit when you hear it. Filled with renewed fury, you walk to a nearby cinder block laying on the ground. Picking it off the ground, you hoist it up over your head. You look at Braeburn one last time before you slam the brick down on his face. Again. And again.

It occurs to you how much trouble you could get in for this, but you don't care. You're doing God's work. Something these heathen ponies wouldn't understand.

Eventually, the brick cracks in two over what's left of his face. He lays there on the ground, not moving. You feel bad for losing your closest friend, but you feel better knowing you sent a worthless faggot to Hell. Taking a deep breath to regain your composure, you spit on his corpse before leaving the alley. A heavy rain begins to fall as you walk home.

The next morning, Applejack is a inconsolable mess, as Big Mac tries to calm her down. You act shocked, but you're smiling on the inside. Even Big Mac's stoicism was fading, if that was possible.

"What... what happened?" you ask innocently.

"They don't know. Somebody just killed'im. Left the body in an alley like a piece of garbage. They say the rain washed away about any evidence that would have been left behind."

Big Mac's voice was quivering with rage, and he had tears in his eyes. You remain silent for a moment, weighing your options.

"I think I'm going to leave Ponyville for a while."

Big Mac nods; it'd be normal for you to want to get away after your best friend was murdered.

"Where will ya go?" Applejack asks, through her shuddering sobs.

"I have a friend in Appleloosa. I'll go for visit..."

Comments ( 111 )

I seriously said to myself "What?" the whole time. Very confusing for a one chapter fic. I still have no idea what just happened...

Trying to start a shitstorm.

Congrats, author, you are as bad as those you demonize.

1722201
Posting something I wrote months ago on a different site =/= trying to start a shitstorm

At a certain point, atheists are just as bad in their unproven nonsense as fundamentalists. This is a prime example. Thumbs down X100 if I could. Not religious at all, but this is pure stereotyping.

Comment posted by An A10 Warthog deleted Aug 28th, 2013

My favorite part was when it ended. You can still see the '>' marks from where it was obviously taken from a terrible one-shot on /mlp/.

I've read worse, but this didn't even have an honest attempt in it. :pinkiecrazy:

1722229
Define "honest attempt"

1722224
Atheists don't have to prove anything. It's the religious that have to prove that their deities exist.

That said, most stories like this are terrible.

1722224
Actually, it's not. It's portraying an extremist.

1722227
Nope. Just getting used to what sets off this sites butthurt alarms.

Well I for one enjoyed it. Was an interesting portrayal of a religious extremist.

1722257 technically, religions don't have to prove anything. they are based on faith. faith means you just believe in something, regardless of whether you have indisputable proof or not. The bottom line is, the human mind cannot hope to comprehend the vast mysteries of the universe or all the secrets it holds. Atheists have no proof a higher being does not exist, just as religion has no proof one does. The fact is, humanity will likely never know the answers to the great questions we love to ask. As an Agnostic, I'm comfortable in saying there is no way of knowing whether a 'god' exists or not, and I'm fine with that.

1722274 but for what purpose are you portraying him? To bash a minority of a certain religion?

1722257
What makes it terrible? I'm not arguing with you; your opinion is your opinion. I'm just asking for clarity.

1722319

Because it's an interesting idea for a story, not everything has some hidden attack on people.

A perceptive, calculating analysis of the modern world we live in and how God's work can be shown through the actions of honest men. Bless you Brainhorn, for God has gifted you with his talents and his words. Go with Christ, to love and serve The Lord, and also to exterminate the cock-juggling anal jesters.

1722319
Long story short? The other site I posted on had a surge of gay stories, and they were quite popular. I wanted to see if I could take that popularity and turn it into bad feels. And a normal, level headed person wouldn't just beat up a gay person ( or pony, as it were), so who better than a religious extremist? I don't mean to imply ALL Christians are like this, but the ones like this DO exist.

1722327 that's your opinion. 23 folks seem to disagree.

1722339 This is true, and closed mindedness is a curse upon humanity. I appreciate your actual explanation, and I can understand where you're coming from, but surely you knew this wouldn't be too well received? Either way, you've got the right to write whatever you like, so carry on sir. Carry on.

1722359
The entire point of the story is to give bad feels. I didn't expect a whole lot of thumbs up. In this case, thumbs down kind of means the story did what it was meant to.

1722368 in that case, you are winning.

1722346

Actually I think they are thumbs downing the story because of what it's about rather than the quality of the work. That isn't how you judge art.

That was absolutely horrifying. I'll admit, I'm surprised it was so well written, no grammar mistakes or anything, although the second person point of view was an odd choice. Troll fics are usually so badly written. But what is the purpose of all this? It has absolutely nothing to do with mlp. Honestly, you could have gotten the exact same type of stereotypical hate horror across with people. I suppose you needed an audience and thought ponies would bring the most shock value? Either way, that was bad. Real bad. Maybe if it wasn't ponies, and wasn't in second person view, the story would have been interesting. Like, one of those stories that you hate the main character so much you just have to keep reading to see what's coming to him. But ponies? Completely pointless, and full of troll. One more thing, is Anon just some random ass human wandering around equestria, and Apple Jack's interested in him?

All in all I hated it, because ponies. Nice try though.

Who would name their child Anon?

This goes very fast. Give us some description! Use your five senses!

Your grammar is very good. And you have an interesting writing style.

ou can't help but chuckle as Braeburn slurs his words

Missing a Y at the start of the sentence!

Honestly, I would say you use too many line breaks. Try to combine lines into paragraphs. For example:

The conversation dies down to awkward silence for a few moments.
"Well?"
It's none of your business, and normally you wouldn't press the issue, but you were drunk and curious.

Could easily become

The conversation dies down to awkward silence for a few moments. "Well?" you ask. It's none of your business, and normally you wouldn't press the issue, but you were drunk and curious.

Try not to use CAPS for emphasis. Italics are better.

Now, they don't take kindly to... "us" out west

Quotes within dialogue are denoted with apostrophes. Should be 'us'.

Well. This escalated quickly. From what you've shown us of Anon, this seems very sudden and out-of-character. Aside from the description, you've given us nothing to show that this guy is a fundamentalist. The whole "Having sex with a pony is a no-no to God!" thing is something a lot of Christians might say, not just fundamentalists. And he looks like a heavy drinker...

Very dark. Huh. Not necessarily bad, but it needs a lot of work.

-Dubs Rewatcher
Former TWE reviewer, and devout Christian

1722385 copy and pasting greentext isn't exactly the highest form of literature. (not that fanfiction is either) but the authors stated goal was bad feels, and he said he counted the downvotes as an indication of success. in that respect, he's doing great. Also, art is subjective. the very idea of 'judging art' is a bit of an oxymoron.

Someone who doesn't believe in god is trying to say what people who do believe think.

The problem with the character you're portraying isn't that he's a christian, it's that he's a murderous psychopath. Truth is, no matter how slyly you wink and nod and say he's an extremist, everyone knows what the point of this story is and considering the content of your other story it's easy to see your intention.

Go back to /b/

oh my... Braeburn's a colt cuddler?
Umm...
:moustache:

1722407
Well he did write it for somewhere else.

Also I said not everything was a hidden attack on someone or a group, you said 23 people disagree. I'm not even sure what we're arguing about.

"art is subjective. the very idea of 'judging art' is a bit of an oxymoron."

Which makes me question the logic of letting people vote on these stories in the first place.

>>1722311
I agree, we may never know for sure, but if they are making assertions about the existence of a supreme being, sure, they can take it on faith. But, if they want to get into debates on whether or not such a being exists, its THEM who must give proof, as opposed to requiring non-believers to prove non-existence. You can't prove a negative. It's "logic 101".

1722324
I wasn't necessarily speaking specifically about your story. As has been pointed out in this comment thread already, most stories here that involve religion in some form or fashion almost always turn out to be just unbearably bad.

As for your own story, I don't mind a good gore/murderfest, but it just seemed a little out of nowhere for your character to suddenly snap and beat the everloving shit out of GayPone. Maybe do a little more buildup, hint at psychological issues he may have, I dunno. I get what you were trying to do, it just seemed a little rushed.

Why was this even approved?!

:facehoof:

1722399
It's not a troll fic. You said it was horrifying? That's what I was going for. It's SUPPOSED to be.

1722415
People are entitled to whatever opinion they want. Luckily, as the "author", it's what I say that applies.

1722427 I was unaware that we were arguing. I see your point with the voting tho. I guess we need some way to like/dislike stories. It ain't perfect, but it'll do.

1722404
Thanks for the pickup on the Y. As for the breaks, honestly, I hadn't written in prose since high school. I just grabbed the nearest book and copied how it layed everything out.
As for Anon going out of character, that was kind of part of my plan, so it was harder to see it coming, but I guess a little foreshadowing couldn't have hurt.

1722446
Even still, it seems like the entire purpose of this story was to piss people off and launch them into religious debate. That, and the fact that it has NOTHING to do with ponies qualifies it as a troll fic for me.

1722433 if that is what they're trying to argue as though they know for a fact one exists, then yes, you're correct.
however, the human mind is wired via evolution to do 2 things: stay alive, and reproduce. With brains like ours, it makes me sad to think we'll never know some of the great secrets of our universe. Man I miss my philosophy class...

1722415
So, what you're saying is that someone who has an outsiders view is wrong?
How do you even know he has an outsiders view, I've been in the church for plenty of years, and had to renounce the faith primarily because of shit like this.
Just because YOU don't believe it as part of your dogma, doesn't mean it's not a part of other peoples', nor that it's not taught in the bible at all (I've read it in and out and had to take test a total of 24 times on the material in it, not counting memorizing bible verses for other subjects completely unrelated due to the nature of my school, this shit is in there, and the denial of it is cherry-picking.)

1722490
Either way, it wasn't my intention, and I certainly learned a lesson from this. Something to remember is I posted this elsewhere first, and nobody cried "omg hidden agenda" so I just assumed nobody would here, either. From the way people are reacting, I assume troll fics are somewhat common.
As for the pone thing, this was written for Anon in Equestria. Which is why it's about Anon, and why there are pones.

1722439
If I had to guess, it's because I tagged it properly, and my spelling, grammar, and punctuation were up to par.

all homophobes are hate-mongering retarded inbred redneck closet faggots
obviously
real horror would be depicting them as real people with more than 1 dimension
because we all know that's not possible irl
anyone who disagrees with ABC somebody or other is clearly an evil XYZ
(replace ABC with your favored group of choice and XYZ with a group that disagrees with you)
anyway
this sucks
it's great that you support gay rights
but it doesn't help your story much

1722532
You seem to be assuming too much of this.

1722545
plz tel mi wat im asumin plz
im cureeus
cuz u dindt xplane urself
vere wel
:twilightsmile:

I have a question. WHAT are you trying to say,and WHAT are you trying to portray? And you DO know that posting anything religious up on sites like this would get you to this state? WHAT are you thinking?

Edit: This is STILL a trollfic no matter what you say. And as for Christian Extremist bashing gays makes more sense? Tell me if the trolls who bash bronies are chirstian or not.

not all christians disaprove of gay rights

to be fair i like how anon intolerantly killed a pony
it sounds like anonymous
actually
this isn't that bad
i kind of like it
because it's lulzy

but it still sucks

but i like it

but i upvoted

but next time you should make it look like you actually hate gays
that causes so much more butthurt
and trolling =/= moralfaggotry

have a nice day :twilightsmile:

1722567

lol
like anyone's going to listen to you
we know the truth
hail satan

1722472

But do we really?

1722559
I'm not trying to SAY anything. There's no "message" here. This isn't Diamond in the Rough. You just read it, not analyze it.
And it portrays a religious extremist killing an innocent gay pony because it's sad and you're supposed to feel sad. That's what I was thinking.

1722509
I'm not saying he's wrong, I'm questioning the intention of the story. The book of Leviticus is the one that says that if man lays with another man they should be put to death. It says much the same about eating lobster and shrimp too but Christians aren't demanding that which is why fundamentalism is, IMHO, mental.

Thing is, that's part of the old testament, before forgiveness in the new testament. By the time the bible hits the new testament it really slacks off on telling people to murder everyone for every little thing.

My point for this is the same as for video games and the supposed violence they create. If a person murders someone and you find out they've been playing call of duty 324234423525, i wouldn't go straight to the game and say it's the games fault, I would first check and make sure he's not batshit insane.

I'm drawing that same parallel here.

Oh and yes i'm a christian (as much as i hate to say that now and then) and i do write F/F shipping/pairings. Why? Because the bible in the new testament says "Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves."
And i believe my mission on earth should not be to cause pain or suffering, trouble or anguish, but to help those who need it and bring a smile to those who have none.
Love the sinner, hate the sin so to speak.


1722464
Kudos to you for not deleting every negative comment, it says a lot about someone who doesn't just delete everything they don't like, especially on the internet.

1722616 Many thanks for clearing that up (No sarcasm here, seriously). But in honesty really, I highly recommend not posting such stuff up here. Your English was good though, really. Just... y'know, the content.

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