• Member Since 1st Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Sep 5th, 2014

alnair


T

During the Great War, private detective Barbara Seed takes case of theft from Manehattan University, but she has no idea how big the game actually is...

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 18 )

I'm conflicted.

I want to upvote for Babs, but downvote for Fallout: Equestria.

1718271 why do i see you everywhere?

1718271 You don't like Fallout: Equestria? Or... is it the number of FO:E spin offs because the original, and many side stories, are so popular? Just wondering. :applejackunsure:

As for Babs... I have conflicted feelings on her. Her episode... egh. Don't get me wrong, but I liked the episode and the story seemed good (the MLP episode, I'll have THIS on my read later queue). This seems intriguing, but honestly, you should put a bit more description in the... description. :scootangel:

When will you fools understand

WE DON'T WANT A MILLION F:E FICS!

1718271
1718418
No one is forcing you guys to click on and read Fallout: Equestria fics. Seriously, if you are going to comment on a story, at least try to have some useful feedback for the author.

So far, your fic seems pretty good. You may want to describe the buildings and landscape more, though. It helps give the reader more of a feel for where the story is taking place and generally helps them visualize what's happening. Also, I would suggest dropping the 'really's. 'Really' and 'very' take away from the atmosphere of the story. If you find that you want to use one of them, that means that you just need to use a stronger word instead. (like ancient instead of really old). Or it may mean that you need to describe more about it.

Well, hope I didn't seem to critical. Good luck with your story! :twilightsmile:

1718546 You have an excellent point. Just wish more people would follow it. Also, great piece of advice concerning words like "Really" and "Very". I'll have to remember that when I write in the future. And I agree. The story seems good so far.

1719613 Oh? I thought Project Horizons was pretty good. I don't mind very Dark stuff, and I thought Somber did / is doing a good job. But, eh, to each his own then... :eeyup:

1720985
Well, I think most people use 'very' and 'really' because it is just easier. Finding the right word is a challenge sometimes, but it is well worth it. And I just wish I could find the time to write more and use my own advice. :twilightsheepish:

1721988 lol I have the same problem...

Good start, keep on writing!

And ignore the trolls, they exist only to wallow in their own fail. Why else would they bother opening and commenting on a story that they don't wish to read? :rainbowlaugh:

Thanks, people. Being a non-native speaker, I highly appreciate your comments regarding word choice.
Any critique about the plot would also be highly appreciated, just to know where to advance.

As for trolls, you guys are all the same, all around the world. :) I love you too.

I can't believe we still have people discouraging writing in the Brony community... But props to you for not letting it get you down. I for one am thrilled to see a story actually take place in wartime Equestria. Those are rare as it is, and I love how its a prequel to Fossil. I also like that Wooden Toaster got in as a cameo, and these new soldiers hint at bad tidings in Fossil. A lot of foreshadowing is good, especially when you can maintain an interesting story too!

Oddly, the thing that caught my attention took place when Babs discovered the book. "Oh my gosh!" Just... That seems so innocent. No swears, or anything. Even in wartime, Equestria still maintains some of its innocence... But it won't last. I think its just a great touch, intentional or not.

The story is a pretty good prologue to whatever you're planning in Fossil. And you once again show that you're taking FO:E to strange new places. Who doesn't like a murder mystery? But we rarely see it in Fallout: Equestria. Certainly shows that you're willing to expand into new territory, which is absolutely necessary for the series to continue being strong.

The continuity nods, like Ditzy Doo at the end are also a nice touch, and cement that this is taking place in the FO:E universe. All in all, you got my attention and I can't wait to see what else you come out with. Great job!

Молодчина что решился писать историю по английски. :twilightsmile: Побольше бы русских перебиралось сюда. Поближе к цивилизации. Влиять надо на этих засранцев. А не сидеть там кучкой на эврипони.
Keep up good story, comrade! :pinkiehappy:

Wooden Toaster is officially the greatest nonmusical being with that name. And for MANY more reasons than that she is the only one in that category. I absolutely loved her.:rainbowkiss:

1743139
Ты русский?! Вау, не ожидал, право слово) Наверное стоило бы как-нибудь догадаться, но увы... к слову, а ты совсем все фики по фоллауту комментируешь или есть незатронутые тобой?)

Thanks, author, the story is simple, but, man, this is BABS^_^ Upvore for you and I'd like to see some more of this, a little bit more complex.

2500506
Ну ты даёшь... Висе знають я русске :rainbowlaugh:
Моих комментов нет на..... вот это вопрос.. :derpytongue2: На историях, что умерли до того как я создал аккаунт. (но я их читал в принципе все и те что на DA и GD тоже). На PH, ибо нехуй и смысла не вижу. А вот, вспомнил! New Pegas. Я уже исправил это досадное недоразумение.:twilightsmile:
Я русские ФОЕ не читаю. Ну бывает, но только если там есть ебля. :scootangel:

2501181
Я не все!) Дааа... эпический мастер по чтению фоллофиков на англе, что и говорить) За счёт чего вообще такое жёсткое разграничение? То есть я понимаю, что общий уровень у нас скорее ниже за редким исключением, но всё же?

2501258
Да я живот надрываю от того как это написано.. "Поняша" "пип-бак" и тд. Я не знаю, мне просто смешно читать по русски это, а вот на инглише нет. ХЗ как так.

2501272

Ты ещё забыл про Л.У.М. и... как его? Заклинание прицеливания Стойл-тек?) На самом деле у меня такой проблемы нет, но да, для кого-то может звучать дико. впрочем, у каждого языка есть свои плюсы, так что тут ничего не сделаешь. Спасибо за разъяснения)

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