As Babs Seed returns to Manehattan, she reflects on her experiences, admits her troubles to her sister, and keeps a promise.
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Bluecatcinema
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sweet, always in the mood for a babs seed fic, and this certainly delivers. I gotta say, this "manehatten branch cutie mark crusader" idea is becoming some good fic fodder, might try my own hand at it at some point.
regaurdless, excellent fic
And tree sap. Don't forget the tree sap.
Hello, author. I am the writing assistance that flaps in the night. Today I shall endeavor to give you some feedback on your work and do what I can to help you improve. Do with this review as you will.
Writing
should be
because Bev is saying the words, and therefore they need to be in the same sentence, for much the same reason as "Anon-Do-Well made. A comment." should be "Anon-Do-Well made a comment."
Note that you only need to do this comma thing when a character is saying, or asking, or specifically doing something with the words (like adding, or ordering or declaring, or asking, or "came a voice," to name a few instances in this story). Something like
is fine as-is, because we assume that Big City said the words and then smiled.
On that note, remember that you do not always have to follow dialogue up with a sentence about the character who said it. If a conversation between two characters has gone on for a while, you can just writing their dialogue on its own and the reader will be able to figure out who is saying what.
Story
There is little need to recap the events of "One Bad Apple" at the beginning of the story, because 99% of people who read this will already have seen it. The great thing about fanfiction is all the knowledge you can safely assume your reader already has.
It's not really necessary to tell us that she had a crush, because we can plainly see it from her stammering. One of the secrets of good writing is not to explain too much--it's more fun and engaging for the reader if they have to figure some stuff out for themselves
To be quite honest, this story was a little on the boring side. I liked the characters you came up with, but all that really happens in the story is some bullies get grounded and the Manehattan CMCs have their first meeting. The main characters don't really do all that much, and it just feels like it should be longer. I was kinda expecting this story to actually be about all the stuff that happens in that last paragraph, given the title.
I hope that was helpful. Keep writing.
Well done. :)
1818572
(chuckles) Love the Darkwing Duck intro you did. Always a pleasure to see a 1990s reference (1980s too, adding that since My Little Pony started in the 1980s). And Darkwing Duck is one of the greatest 1990s shows ever.