Planescape: Equestria

by Applechaser

Welcome to Equestria!

Stepping through the portal is like waking from a dream. Even at anti-peak, the closest thing Sigil has to the middle of the night, the atmosphere there was hot and thick with the stink and din of so many people living on top of each other. You hadn’t even noticed just how stifling it was until the moment you leave it behind. Your foot comes down on thick, soft grass and a mild breeze caresses your face in a tender greeting as you take your bearings. The darkness enfolds everything about you, a thick shroud, jasmine-scented. Leaves rustle all around and branches shift overhead, allowing brief glimpses of the luminous tapestry of stars beyond. You fill your lungs with the sweet night air and let the serenity of the moment wash over you as, behind you, your companions arrive one by one.

Twilight is the first to step over and join you, her horn flaring for a moment and then settling to a steady glow that illuminates the area around. You are standing before a stone arch in a thickly overgrown garden amidst the ruins of what must once have been a grand palace, much of it now crumbled with centuries of neglect although other parts seem remarkably well preserved.

“All in one piece?” Twilight says, looking you over. “Great! I wasn’t completely sure if-"

“WELCOME TO EQUESTRIA!” Pinkie interrupts. “Oh, I just know you’re going to love it here! It’s still a work in progress, but I have just the perfect song for this very occasion. Just give me a moment… now… what does ‘fingers’ rhyme with?”

She trails off into inaudible muttering as Twilight rolls her eyes. There is a heavy clanking of armour signalling Mercy’s arrival, and with that everybody is accounted for.

“So where exactly are we?” you ask.

You aren’t entirely sure what you expected from the ponies’ home plane, but this isn’t quite it. The tranquillity of this place has an almost sanctified quality, and the ruins all around seem too grand and forbidding to possibly have been built by such creatures as these ponies. Then again… you think back to the fearsome showing that they gave in the tussle with the Mercykillers, and remind yourself not to take them too lightly.

“This is the ancient castle of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna,” Twilight says. “They used to rule Equestria together from here, but it’s been empty for a long time. Well over a thousand years.”

“That explains the lack of a royal welcome,” you say.

Twilight starts to lead the way out of the courtyard as she replies.

“Yes. These days the princesses rule from Canterlot. It’s an easy train journey from Ponyville, where we all live, so the best plan is probably if you come back there and stay with one of us. Then you can get some rest and clean up, and we can present you to the Princess tomorrow."

“Plenty o’ room out at Sweet Apple Acres,” Applejack suggests. “That way we won’t have to alarm anypony by bringin’ him an’ Mercy into town.”

“Umm… my cottage is outside town, too,” Fluttershy murmurs quietly.

Nopony seems to hear or pay any attention.

“I do hope you’re not suggesting that Anonymous’s appearance is alarming,” Rarity says in playful reproach to Applejack, then turns to you. “Don’t let her hurt your feelings, darling. I think you look simply dashing – although now that we mention it, perhaps your mane could use a little work…”

“That’s not what ah meant,” Applejack says with some irritation in her voice, obviously missing Rarity’s teasing tone. “Nopony’s seen anythin’ like him before, so he’s bound to cause a stir, that’s all.”

“My cottage is right outside the Everfree Forest, so, um, it would be right on our way, it’s very convenient, I have room for Anonymous and Mercy as well…” Fluttershy seems to be making an effort to speak louder than usual.

She goes unnoticed again.

“Oh yes!” Rarity replies to Applejack, sweeping back her mane dramatically. “It will be a sensation! Everypony will want to know who this mysterious stranger is, and where he got his magnificent outfit… which reminds me, actually, never mind, we should wait for your first public appearance until I’ve had time to design you something. No sense wasting good publicity.”

Applejack just rolls her eyes.

“So we’re all agreed, Anon’ll stay out on the farm with me?”

“Woah there, hang on, my place is outside Ponyville as well,” Rainbow Dash says.

Applejack gives a chuckle. “Ah think the whole clouds thing might be a dealbreaker there, Dash.”

“Oh… right.” Dash turns a little red, and you give an inquisitive look. “All the awesomest people, like pegasi and griffons, live in the clouds,” she explains. “So if you crashed at my place you’d… err… actually crash. Like, through the clouds and into the dirt.”

“My cottage is on the ground, though,” Fluttershy puts in earnestly.

Rainbow Dash perks up as something occurs to her. “Unless you’re awesome enough to walk on clouds too! It’s not like we’ve ever tested a human.”

“I doubt it,” Twilight says thoughtfully. “Humans seem to be adapted for life on the ground. They don’t even have any natural way to get up to the clouds, so I don’t think they’d have the ability to walk on them.”

“Pfft, you never know ‘til you try…”

Fluttershy rallies for one last attempt.

“Um… my cottage…”

You have to give her credit for her persistence.

“Anyway, your farm probably is the best place for tonight, Applejack,” Twilight says with an air of authority that seems to wrap up the discussion. “Oh! Unless… Fluttershy, your cottage is outside town too, and it’s closer than Sweet Apple Acres. “
“…yes, it is,” Fluttershy agrees.

“Do you have room for Anonymous tonight? Would you mind him staying with you? I wouldn’t mind staying with you as well, if you’d feel safer-"

“Um, no, I mean, yes, I mean… it will be fine,” Fluttershy says with a blush. “Good thinking, Twilight.”

She actually sounds sincere.

“Great,” Twilight beams. “It’s settled, then.”

In the meantime you have been walking through the stone hallways of the ancient castle, Twilight leading the way with the light from her horn as the ponies’ hoofsteps and the clanking of Mercy’s armour echo off into the darkness. Pinkie Pie has been uncharacteristically quiet as she hums softly to herself and tries out various tunes and bits of rhyming verse under her breath. You pass through a great domed chamber, largely untouched by the centuries except for the vines that wind through the metal lattices where glass is missing from the windows. Twilight leads you on through a grand arched doorway and you find yourself at the top of a broad flight of stone steps, looking out over the canopy of a great forest.

From here, above the trees, you have a clear view of the starry sky, all studded with strange constellations. A full moon shines down, bathing the trees in milky light. The forest seems as wild and primal as any you have ever seen, from the realms of the Elven powers in Arborea to the Crimson Jungle of Carceri.

“Got it!” Pinkie Pie exclaims.

You look at her with a certain amount of trepidation, which only increases as you notice the resigned expressions of the other ponies. Sure enough, she draws herself up and bursts into song, with a full accompanying dance routine that involves the other ponies far more than they look happy with.

“Welcome to Equestria! We know you’re going to like it,
We’ve got a lot of cake and punch, I promise we won’t spike it!
Welcome to Equestria! We hope you’re going to linger,
We don’t mind at all that we’ve got hooves and you’ve got fingers,
Welcome to Equestria! …wait, who are these strange ponies?”

The musical number is aborted prematurely as Pinkie finds herself trying to dance with a very uncooperative armoured stallion, one of two dark-coated ponies who have just stepped into view at the foot of the steps. The new arrivals both sport identical heavy barding in shades of purple, matching plumed helmets, and stony expressions. They’re both pegasi, but their wings look more like those of a bat or a dragon than the feathery wings of Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy.

Another figure looms out of the darkness, equine, but larger than any of the ponies you have so far encountered. You tense, your hand finding the grip of a knife as you prepare for what may come. As the large figure steps into the light you see that it is a midnight blue mare with both the horn of a unicorn and the feathery wings of a pegasus, her flowing mane scintillating with specks of light like the night sky above.

“Princess Luna!” Twilight exclaims, bowing to the floor.

The other ponies follow suit; even Pinkie Pie seems to have grudgingly accepted the curtailment of her song and is showing her respect by desisting in her attempts to get one of Luna’s royal guards to dance along with her. You bow as well, after a moment’s consideration deciding that bending from the waist will be quite sufficient. You’ve done your share of dealing with high-ups, and your policy is that it’s better to show too little deference and make up for it with charm than to show too much and then have to claw your way back to a more even footing.

“HELLO, MY LITTLE PONIES. HELLO, HUMAN,” booms the princess.

Fluttershy seems to be trying to hide behind your leg.

“Um… Princess Luna? Remember what we talked about, regarding the traditional royal Canterlot voice?” Twilight asks meekly.

Luna cocks her head. “WE HAD THOUGHT… ahem… I had thought this might count as a state occasion, and therefore it may be appropriate,” she says with some consternation. “Dost thou think a more informal approach would be better?”

“I do,” Twilight nods with an attempt at a reassuring smile that ends up a bit more of an awkward grin.

“Very well,” the princess says, stepping closer. “I appreciate thy continued aid in my efforts to update my image, Twilight Sparkle.”

“You’re welcome, Princess. Allow me to introduce Anonymous. Anonymous – Luna, Princess of the Night.”

“It’s an honour, your highness,” you say with another bow.

“…just Princess will suffice,” Luna interjects.

You’re pretty sure she’s blushing. You’ve met princesses before, but never one this socially awkward.

“A thousand apologies,” you smile. “Princess.”

“It falls to me to extend to thee an official greeting,” Luna says, falling back on her official tone.

“…but I was JUST in the middle of doing that,” Pinkie grumps to herself.

“My sister Celestia and I bid thee welcome to our realm,” Luna continues. “Thou art the first of thy kind to set foot in this land. We hope that thou find it to thy liking, and that we may enjoy cordial relations with thee, now and henceforth in perpetuity.”

“Likewise, Princess. I’m very much obliged.”

“…coulda done a better job than that if she’d just have let me finish…” Pinkie grumbles under her breath.

Luna’s gaze falls on Mercy for the first time, where he sits contentedly on one of the steps near Fluttershy. “What is this?” she asks. “Princess Celestia told me to expect one human visitor, not two.”

Fluttershy goes back to hiding behind your leg.

“We sorta had to adopt this’n here too, Princess,” Applejack steps in after a moment. “He was in a real sorry state, and we couldn’t just leave him. His name’s Mercy. Fluttershy’s gonna take real good care of him, an’ we’ll all help out, an’ he won’t be no trouble, so… can we keep him?”

Luna seems a little discomfited, but nods after a moment. “It seems there is little choice. I will consult with Princess Celestia, but I imagine that as long as you ponies take responsibility for his welfare and good behaviour, there will be no problem.”

Mercy beams gormlessly as he realises he’s being talked about.

“Anonymous, in addition to greetings, I bring word from Princess Celestia,” Luna says. “She bids thee attend her in Canterlot tomorrow before sunset.”

You nod.

“Then… it is a long walk to Ponyville,” she says, “and it is already late. I will take my leave, that you might get underway… Anonymous, to my previous royal greetings, allow me to add that I am personally pleased to meet thee. I hope that we will have some chance to converse in the nights to come. There are things I would like to discuss.”

“That would be my pleasure, Princess.”

“Excellent. Then farewell, until we meet again.”

The royal guards pull up some description of winged chariot, and the princess climbs aboard and is borne away into the night sky.

“Well, well, it seems you warrant a royal welcome after all, Anonymous – even in the middle of the Everfree Forest,” says Rarity.

“It seems so.”

“Well,” Pinkie chimes in happily, “now that that interruption is out of the way, let me start over from the top!”

“Welcome to Equestria! We know you’re going to like it…”

It’s going to be a long walk to Ponyville.

You set off through the darkened woods as Pinkie does her thing. Twilight leads the way again, following a wide trail which – if those ruins really used to be the royal palace – must once have been a grand avenue approaching it. Cracked paving stones jut up here and there amidst the roots and undergrowth.

By the time Pinkie Pie has finished singing you can’t help but feel comprehensively welcomed to Equestria.

“Thanks Pinkie,” you smile. “It’s too bad that you ponies didn’t get such a lavish welcome in Sigil. If you ever visit again, I’ll try to have Shemmie do a musical number.”

It’s bad form to laugh at your own jokes, but you can’t help a wide grin at the thought of Shemeska the Marauder capering with a top hat and cane as she sings to an audience of pastel-coloured ponies. Pinkie Pie’s grin matches your own, whilst the other ponies’ reactions range from amused to horrified.

Rarity in particular blanches visibly. “That dreadful lady of the canine visage and the negligee that appeared to have been stitched together from scavenged table doilies in order to just barely preserve the last vestige of modesty, for a woman half her size?”

Your grin breaks into full-throated laughter. “That’s the one.”

“Then it’s thoughtful of you, darling, but I’ll have to decline. I fear that if I were to witness the quakings and… jigglings… that her dancing would entail, I would be unable to ever look at a blancmange again without reliving the psychic trauma.”

“Hahahaha… but, if you think that outfit was horrifying, you should see what revelations come to light when she wears tight fitting pants.”

Rarity chokes back a giggling fit. “I think I would prefer not to speculate…”

“That might be best.”

Spike and Fluttershy look confused and embarrassed respectively and Twilight just looks distracted, whilst everypony else joins in the laughter.

“What exactly was she, Anonymous?” Twilight asks after a moment. “I’ve never read of any jackal-headed humanoid people.”

“An Arcanaloth,” you reply. “It’s an order of Yugoloth...”

Nope, she clearly doesn’t know what that is. “…which is a type of fiend…”

… or that, somehow. You look around and realise that none of these ponies have ever heard of a fiend. They really must be sheltered. “…which is to say, a being of incarnate Evil, native to the Outer Planes.”

“…okay,” Twilight nods as she finally gets a handle on something. “But if she’s pure evil, how come she’s just allowed to come and go in Sigil? I wasn’t able to find any reference material for Sigil, but from what Princess Celestia told me, it’s supposed to be like a neutral ground, isn’t it? A safe place for everyone?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say safe. Neutral, yep… but that is to say, anybody, from the highest-and-mightiest Archon to the cruellest and most bloodthirsty Tanar’ri, is free to come and go in Sigil. Everybody except the Powers – that is, the gods. They’re barred.”

“Hmm.” Twilight mulls that over.

It really is odd that this pony, who seems to be educated and intelligent, is so totally and utterly Clueless. “Has nobody – that is to say, nopony – ever travelled the planes and returned to tell about it?” you ask. “Are there no books about the planes?”

Twilight shakes her head. “Hardly anything like that,” she says sadly. “A few scholars have always speculated that there are other planes of existence, but nopony has ever successfully travelled to any of them before. Until us!”

“But if that portal has always been there in that castle, and the portal key was known…?”

“…yes, I wondered about that too,” she says quietly. “Princess Celestia was able to tell us a bit about Sigil, and what we should expect there, as well, so… perhaps she travelled there, when she was the sole bearer of the Elements of Harmony? Or when she and Luna bore them together... but either way, they didn’t publish any of their findings.”

You nod thoughtfully. “Perhaps they just wanted to protect you.”

She looks pretty annoyed by that idea, but seems to accept it as a possibility, even if it’s not one she likes. “But then why send us now?”

“Yup, that’s the question. Hopefully we’ll learn the dark of that tomorrow.”

“So wait,” Rainbow Dash cuts in. “This evil jackal lady, who everyone knows is evil, just, like, walks around Sigil doing evil stuff the whole time, and nobody has kicked her tail for it yet?”

“Sort of,” you say with a smile at Dash’s summary. “She’s powerful, and has a lot of jink to throw around – that is to say, she’s massively rich – and she has some formidable allies too. That’s a combination that lets you get away with an awful lot in Sigil. Or most other places.”

Dash frowns. “That’s all horseapples,” she declares. “Somepony needs to teach her a lesson.”

“If there were ponies in Sigil, maybe somepony would. But not a lot of folk on the planes see things that way, and the ones that do oftentimes don’t live long enough to get strong enough to teach a blood like Shemeska anything much. She’s been around for – well, nobody can say, but she’s been active, spinning her schemes and getting her fingers in everybody’s pies, for at least a couple of millennia.”

“That’s a lot of pies,” Pinkie says, impressed.

“Scheming for what?” Twilight asks. “Just to hurt people, and garner more power and more money?”

“That’s about the size of it – spinning schemes for their own sake is pretty much the nature of Arcanaloths, I guess. They dabble in everything going, and eventually maybe they find the one peel that’s deep enough to get them to the top of the Yugoloth ladder - to become an Ultroloth.”

“Oh! They sound just like our sisters, plotting to get their cutie marks,” Rarity says to Applejack with a wry smile.

“Right,” Applejack laughs. “Except maybe fer the ‘pure evil’ part. Maybe.”

It’s your turn to look blank.

“You’ve noticed the marks on our flanks, I’m sure,” Rarity says by way of explanation to you. “…not that I’m implying you’d be crude enough to go around staring at mares’ flanks, or anything.”

She looks at you, blinking ingenuously, just the slightest hint of mischief playing in her smile.

“Oh, why yes,” you say with an exaggerated air of innocence, leaning in to peer inquisitively at Rarity’s hindquarters. “Now that you mention it I suppose you do have some kind of marks visible there, if one were to look.”

She flicks her tail playfully at your head, swatting you away.

“Quite, well, there’s no need to launch a detailed study now. In any case, those are our cutie marks. Everypony gets one as they grow up – it’s a rite of passage, you could say. A pony’s cutie mark represents their special talent or calling in life. Well, my little sister, Sweetie Belle - and Applejack’s, Apple Bloom, and their friend Scootaloo – don’t have their cutie marks yet, so they’ve taken to racing around Ponyville causing all sorts of havoc in their attempts to earn them.”

“Ah.” You smile. “I see the comparison. But unless they start trying to earn cutie marks for negotiating mercenary contracts or seeking ancient and horrifying occult secrets, I wouldn’t worry too much.”

“Don’t you go givin’ ‘em any ideas,” Applejack says hurriedly.

Soon you leave the remains of the ancient avenue behind and find yourself following smaller and more winding paths and trails that lead you on through the thick forest. Conversation mostly dies out as the going gets harder and you are all forced to focus on your surroundings so as not to twist an ankle or blunder into a cobweb. Some of the cobwebs around here are distressingly large. Twilight still lights the way with her horn, but she looks frequently to Fluttershy for direction. The yellow pegasus seems quietly self-assured in these matters of navigation, and you guess she must know the forest pretty well. Pinkie Pie hums happily to herself as your band treks on into the night.

You walk for several hours, passing many points of interest along the way including a river where an enormous serpent slumbers peacefully coiled in the shallows, its carefully groomed moustache rising and falling with the rhythm of its snores. You’ve seen some shit in your time, but this would be the first moustachioed serpent. If a berk ever thinks that the planes have nothing left to surprise him with, he’s addle-coved, and that’s that.

Some time after that, you come to a small clearing in the forest where a large slab or lump of worked stone seems to be lying in the thick grass over to one side. Curiosity kicks in and you drift over that way for a closer look. It looks like a humanoid statue, newly made and undamaged but half buried in the grass. The grass around hasn’t had time to grow up over it yet, and there’s no moss or lichen on its surface. It’s just lying there.

You call the ponies over, and soon all of you are standing around regarding the statue. They seem just as confused as you are about where this thing could have come from.

“There are no humanoids native to this plane, right?” you ask.

“No, none,” Twilight says in a tone of puzzlement. “We have myths and legends about humanoid creatures, but as far as I know nopony has seen one in Equestria until you and Mercy came through the portal today.”

“Someone could have made a statue based on the myths and legends, though?”

“I suppose so, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen one before.”

“The proportions seem a bit odd, especially the legs. I don’t think it’s meant to be a human, or if it is then it’s not very accurate. Here, help me roll it over and get a better look.”

Applejack and Rainbow Dash help you heave at one side, while Pinkie Pie bounces helpfully around occasionally nudging the statue with a hoof or her nose. Soon the statue rolls over, flattening more of the tall grass and revealing a strange face with a broad forehead, upturned nose and four horns – two straight ones sticking straight up from the top of its brow, and two curved ones like a goat’s towards the sides of its head. Its stone hair flares straight upwards and out and then tapers like a candle flame atop its head.

“…dabus,” Twilight says.

You look to her with surprise.

“Princess Celestia warned us about them,” she explains a bit sheepishly. “She said that they’re the right hooves… er, hands… of the Lady of Pain, who runs Sigil, and that whatever we do we shouldn’t interfere with them or give them any trouble.”

“So I tried to help one with the hammering he was doing on our way to meet you,” Pinkie chips in, “but then Rainbow and Applejack jumped on me and dragged me down the street because they said I was going to interfere, but I wasn’t go to interfere, I was going to help, which is the opposite of interfering.”

“Except when it isn’t. But the question is, what is a statue of a dabus, of all things, doing out here in the forest?”

“Umm… I don’t think that’s a statue,” Fluttershy says with her usual timidity.

You give her an inquisitive look.

“I think that’s a real dabus that got turned to stone.”

“Oh… yes yes yes,” Twilight jumps on the idea. “That makes a lot more sense. If it was a statue, who would have made it, and how did it get here? It doesn’t add up. But if a real dabus was here, and ran into a cockatrice…”

“But… what was the dabus doing here, then?” you interrupt. “I mean… dabus don’t leave Sigil. It simply doesn’t happen. I’m not even sure if they’re capable of it.”

“But aren’t they the Lady of Pain’s servants?” Twilight asks. “What if she wanted to send… a spy? Or an ambassador?”

“She doesn’t,” you say simply, with a shrug. “I mean, she’s never been known to do that. In all the untold millennia that Sigil has existed and she’s been its keeper, there’s not one single instance of her sending a dabus, or anybody else, outside the Cage on her behalf.”

“Hmm…” Twilight doesn’t look all that convinced.

You think for a moment. “If, hypothetically, this is a petrified dabus… do we have access to spells that could set him right?” you ask.

“I don’t know of any magic that could do that,” Twilight says sadly. “The only way to undo a cockatrice’s petrifying gaze is to get the cockatrice to take it back.”

You’re pretty sure that isn’t true, but without a sufficiently powerful spellslinger around to show Twilight a Stone to Flesh spell, it’s kind of irrelevant. More to the point… “They can do that?”

“Yep! I fell foul of a cockatrice myself once, but Fluttershy persuaded him to fix me.”

“…persuaded?”

“Oh, yes,” Fluttershy says humbly. “He was just a little bit rambunctious, and didn’t really understand that ponies have feelings too and don’t like to be made into rocks. He needed some boundaries, that’s all.”

You blink. “Right. So… if a cockatrice did this, and we can find it, do you think you could… err… set it some boundaries, Fluttershy?”

“Oh, yes. But there are a lot of cockatrices in the forest.”

“Okay, well, we can look into that another time I guess. For now… this sod is too heavy to carry, and I don’t s’pose he’s going anywhere. Shall we carry on?”

The ponies nod, and you get back on your way. About a half hour after that, as the horizon is beginning to blush pink with the coming dawn, you finally come to the edge of the forest. In the middle distance you can see the darkened silhouettes of the sleeping town that must be Ponyville. It looks surprisingly similar to a humanoid settlement, reminding you in particular of the kind of rural idyll that appeals to Halflings and the like.

You’re soon at Fluttershy’s cottage, a homely little building with a thatched roof and carefully tended gardens surrounding it. One by one the other ponies take their leave to go and snatch a few hours of sleep, agreeing to meet at midday to make arrangements for the trip to Canterlot.

Fluttershy first leads Mercy to a sizeable wooden construction, something like a stable, not far from her house.

“I think this will be the best place for you, Mercy,” she says sweetly. “Applejack helped me build it a while ago when I found a hurt manticore in the forest and had to nurse his poor little leg until he was healthy again.”

You maintain a poker face.

“But don’t worry, there are no manticores here now! There’s plenty of room, and you can get all nice and comfy in the hay over here. There are some blankets, and here is your water if you get thirsty. Are you hungry?”

The enormous armoured man shakes his head happily, already snuggling up in his blankets and hay, looking perfectly content.

“All right, wonderful. Are you warm enough?”

Mercy nods, his eyes already closing.

"Then it looks like we’re all set. Come along Anonymous, let’s get you settled in as well.”

She leads you to the cottage and you carefully wipe your feet before stepping inside. It looks exactly like a human’s cottage would. How weird. Everything is very neat and tidy, and there is a pleasant smell of dried flowers. Several small critters are sleeping peacefully curled up here and there on her furniture. Fluttershy is trotting and, true to her name, fluttering about, fetching blankets and quilts, forming them into a comfy-looking nest on her living room floor.

“I hope this will be okay, Anonymous,” she says, whispering even more quietly than normal. “Angel bunny is sleeping on the sofa and he gets so cranky if I wake him.”

You smile and nod.

“Can I get you anything? You look chilly, would you like some hot cocoa?”

… hot cocoa? A pony is going to make you hot cocoa? This you have to see. “That sounds great,” you say.

She bustles around in the kitchen for a few minutes warming up milk and shaking powdered cocoa into a big clay mug. Even though you’re watching her do it, you don’t really understand how she’s manipulating this stuff with her hooves. Probably best not to think about it. The cocoa is sweet and hot and delicious.

“Thanks a lot, this is perfect.”

“Oh, it was my pleasure. Are you all set?”

“Looks like it.”

“Goodnight then, try to get some sleep now, we need to be up again in a few hours.”

“Goodnight, Fluttershy.”

You snuggle up in the blankets provided and get comfy with your hot cocoa. Tomorrow you meet a pony Princess. That is to say, another pony Princess. This has been a fucking weird day. Not bad, though.

* * *

You awake to the sound of birdsong and the smell of hot buttered toast. A summery breeze twitches the thick curtains. Bright sunlight filters dimly through, suffusing the room with a warm glow that is thankfully not strong enough to offend your bleary eyes. It feels like late morning. You can hear Fluttershy singing softly to herself in the kitchen.

There is a slight weight on your chest that doesn’t seem like it should be there. You raise your head and meet the gaze of a cute little bunny.

“Awww. You must be… Angel? Fluttershy mentioned you.”

You reach a hand up to pet it, but something in its look stops you. It looks distinctly unimpressed, beady little eyes staring an obvious challenge into your own. After a brief and inconclusive staring contest it hops rapidly up to your face and commences to slap you until you scramble up, pushing it off you in the process. You stand glaring at the bunny, which is pointing impatiently at the blankets and quilts on the floor, tapping one foot.

“…you want me to tidy up?”

It nods vigorously, still pointing. You shrug and start folding up the quilts and blankets. The bunny leads you to a wicker work hamper and points emphatically to the top of it. You stack the bedding there and it seems satisfied.

It starts to hop over towards the front door, motioning you to follow. It’s pointing to the door knob; maybe it wants to go outside. You turn the door knob and open it up wide enough for the bunny. It motions you to open it wider. Okay…

It sure is a gorgeous day out there. The sun is streaming down from a clear blue sky, birds and butterflies are flitting about Fluttershy’s lovely gardens, everything looks verdant and fresh and beautiful. As you stand admiring it the bunny is trying to literally kick you out of the open door, hammering away with one fluffy foot against your ankle.

“…knock that off.”

Fluttershy comes through from the kitchen, smiling nervously. “Oh, good morning Anonymous, I’m glad you’re up. I see you’ve met Angel. I hope the two of you are getting along.” She beams at the little bunny, who gives her an angry glare in response.

“Sure,” you say. “Cute little guy.”

“Oh, isn’t he? So… we have a little while before we need to leave to meet the girls. Would you like some breakfast? I have hay, or fresh fruit and vegetables, or… seeds… oh, or bread. I don’t really know what humans eat.” She blushes faintly.

“Did I smell buttered toast? I could go for some of that.”

“Oh, yes, I can manage that. And some tea, maybe?”

“Sounds perfect.”

You follow her through to the kitchen and soon you have a steaming mug of tea and some crunchy thick-sliced toast dripping with butter. While you eat, Fluttershy consults you on human dietary requirements so she will be able to provide Mercy with suitable meals. She is pleased to learn that porridge will work, since she already has a big batch cooked up. She begins to heat some up for Mercy, slicing in fresh fruit and drizzling honey over the top. You sit peacefully finishing your tea while Fluttershy takes Mercy his breakfast.

Out of the window you can see the yellow pegasus pony trotting down the garden path between the flowerbeds to the stable where Mercy is lodged. Your head is fuzzy from lack of sleep and there’s a persistent sharp ache in your chest that’s been there ever since yesterday’s fight. Still, this is a nice, relaxing moment.

Angel sits on the table glaring fiercely at you, as he has been doing ever since you sat down. His hate only seems to have intensified as he watches you watching Fluttershy out of the window.

“…I don’t know if anyone has told you this before, little guy, but you come on kinda strong.”

The bunny just keeps glaring, and with a smile you go back to looking out of the window. Upon Fluttershy’s return you get up to take your mug and plate over to the sink, wincing a little with the pain in your chest as you stand.

“Anonymous, you’re hurt!” Fluttershy cries immediately.

“It’s nothing worth fussing about. Maybe a broken rib or two.”

“Oh, but that could be serious,” she says in tones of real distress. “A broken rib can sometimes pierce your lungs. Um, humans have lungs, don’t they?”

You think about telling her no, but nod before you can stop yourself.

“And aside from that, it can lead to chest infections. Does it hurt when you breathe?”

“Only if I breathe deeply.”

“But that’s just it! If you breathe shallowly to avoid the pain, you’re at risk of getting an infection.”

“I’m pretty hardy,” you say with a smile. “Don’t worry about it.”

Fluttershy looks you levelly in the eye, and you start to understand how she got three Mercykillers to write her letters of apology and a fourth to follow her around like a lost puppy.

“Take your shirt and jacket off,” she says simply.

“But…”

“Take. Them. Off.”

Angel is hopping around the table in visible distress, and as you strip to the waist you take comfort in the fact that at least he is hating this.

“Good,” Fluttershy says approvingly. “Now follow me.”

She leads you into the living room and directs you to lie down on the couch while she pulls out a box of medical supplies from underneath it. She rests a hoof lightly on your chest and applies gentle pressure until she finds the right spot, making you inhale sharply with pain. She gently feels about the affected area with her hoof, presumably testing the extent of the damage. You wouldn’t expect her to be able to feel anything much through her hoof, but then again, you wouldn’t expect her to be able to apply such gentle pressure with it either. Or to be able to manipulate objects. Something is clearly going on with these ponies’ hooves, come to think of it, so why be surprised by this in particular?

There’s a pleasant tickling sensation as the velvety yellow coat of her foreleg brushes your chest during her examination.

“Now I want you to take a deep breath,” she says. “As deep as you can. I know it’s going to hurt a bit, but I need you to be brave for me, okay?”

You grin, holding back a chuckle since you know that will only make your chest hurt worse. “You got it.”

You fill your lungs, expanding your chest against Fluttershy’s hoof and causing the expected sharp pain in your rib.

“That’s good. Once more please.” She shifts her hoof a little.

You do as instructed, and she nods. “You have three cracked ribs,” she says gravely. “But there’s no danger of internal injury, and they should heal by themselves in about a month as long as you are careful. No heavy lifting and DEFINITELY no fighting, mister. Take normal, deep breaths, even if it hurts a bit. Here, I have some ointment that will help with the bruising and should soothe some of the pain.”

She roots in her box of medical supplies for a moment and comes up with a tube in her teeth. She somehow squeezes a large dab of white ointment onto one of her hooves, and begins to rub it into your chest. The stuff is cool and slightly tingly on your skin. At first the pressure she’s putting on your bruised and battered chest is painful, but soon the ointment starts to do its work and what she’s doing begins to feel more like a nice massage. You relax and lie back, closing your eyes, enjoying the feeling.

Fluttershy goes on rubbing your chest, making sure that all the ointment is thoroughly worked in.

“Angel, if you can’t stop kicking my leg, I’m going to need to put you outside,” you hear.

Is it your imagination, or is Fluttershy sounding a little husky? Again you feel the slight tickling sensation as the soft fuzz on her leg brushes lightly across your skin, and a smile comes to your face.

“…you’re very tense, Anonymous. It’s no wonder you got injured easily, with your muscles all tight like this.”

Her other hoof comes to rest on your chest and goes to work in tandem with the other, kneading firmly but gently, easing all the tension from your muscles. You don’t remember the last time you felt so totally relaxed. It’s heavenly. Then two things happen at once.

Fluttershy’s door opens, and a hearty greeting of “howdy y’all!” reaches your ears…

As you emit a throaty growl of pure pleasure.

You open your eyes to see Fluttershy blushing furiously, frozen in position. At some point she had obviously decided to get a better angle for her ministrations by climbing up onto the couch with you, straddling you with a hind leg on either side of your body. You look sidelong to where Applejack stands frozen in place, an answering blush on her features. Behind her are all the other ponies, similarly frozen.

Except Pinkie Pie, who prances happily past the rest of them. “Hi Anon! Hi Fluttershy!”

She pauses for a moment to take in Fluttershy’s mortified expression and your own poker face. “Ehehehe, you look silly! Isn’t it a beautiful day today? And we’re going for a royal audience! It’s so exciting. Are you excited? I’m really excited! You’re going to loooove Canterlot, it’s such an amazing city, there’s so many things to see and so many ponies to meet!”

While she talks you gently but firmly lift Fluttershy and place her on the floor so that you can stand up.

“Looking forward to it!” you say. “Say, could you pass me my shirt from the floor there? Thanks again for the ointment, Fluttershy, I think the swelling has gone down a bit already.”

“A bit,” Rarity says, smiling wickedly at you as you pull on your shirt.

Applejack seems to choke on something, and Pinkie goes into a peal of girlish laughter, rolling on her back. Rainbow Dash looks awkward and embarrassed and pretty pissed off, blushing almost as fiercely as Fluttershy and glaring off into space without meeting anyone’s eye.

Fluttershy is taking her time over putting her medical box back where it came from, since that gives her the opportunity to keep her head under the couch for an extended period of time.

“So what’s the plan, how do we get to Canterlot?” you ask in as breezy a tone as you can muster.

“We take the train,” Twilight says.

“...train?”

“…you know, the train. Big metal carriages on wheels, runs on tracks, steam powered?”

Sounds like no contraption you’ve ever seen in your life, but whatever, go with the flow.

“Right, the train. Okay. How long will it take to get there?”

“About two hours. I’ve booked our tickets on the three ‘o’ clock train out of Ponyville, so we’ll be in Canterlot just after five. That way we’ll be in plenty of time to get to Princess Celestia’s audience chamber well before dusk, and we still have some time to get you ready before we set off.”

“What sort of preparations did you have in mind?”

“Your clothes, darling,” Rarity says. “No offense, but you look like you’ve been in a street fight and then spent all night hiking through a forest… or something. Leave your outfit with me and I’ll see that it’s washed and mended in time… and I might just be able to make an alteration or two to make it more suitable for a royal court, as well. In the meantime, you can take a nice long bath, or just spend some quality clothes-less time with the rest of the girls here so that they don’t get too jealous of Fluttershy.”

Fluttershy, who had begun to creep out from under the couch, promptly turns crimson again and returns to her hiding place. Rainbow Dash shoots Rarity a dirty look, which is met with a wide-eyed smile of perfect innocence.

Fluttershy is still too flustered to be of any use, so Rarity takes over hostess duties. After a short hunt she has found you a clean towel - big and fluffy, scented faintly with violets - and pointed you at the bathroom. You pass your clothes out to her and then see about getting clean. Indoor plumbing isn’t a completely new idea to you, but it’s definitely a luxury you’re not used to. Most planes lack either the technology (whether mundane or magical) or the stable economic conditions to allow for such conveniences to be widespread.

As well as the bath, with running hot and cold water, there is some sort of glass cubicle in the corner of the bathroom, tall enough for a man to stand in and wide enough for him to lie down. There’s a drain in the white enamel floor of the cubicle, and some sort of contraption affixed to the tiled wall. There are two dials, and a tube leading to some sort of blunt instrument with little holes in it. This thing on the end of the tubing is currently fixed up on the wall, but looks like it could be removed and moved about. Since it’s in the bathroom, and has a drain, you guess that when it’s operated this thing must spray water or something like that.

Your curiosity won’t permit you not to confirm your theory, so you hang up your towel nearby and venture into the glass cubicle. You turn the first dial as far as it will go, but nothing happens.

How disappointing.

You do the same with the second dial and immediately get drenched in a thundering torrent of icy water. Gasping with shock, you frantically put the dial back where it was and the freezing cascade stops, leaving you shuddering. A lesser man might give up now, but not you. You’re not going to let some infernal pony contraption get the best of you. You angle the water cannon away from you and try the second dial again, sending a stream of cold water jetting out at the wall.

Progress.

You soon find that adjusting the dial will change the pressure of the water, and then move on to experiment with the first dial and soon manage to get the water to a temperature that is nice and hot without being scalding. Tentatively angling the stream back at yourself, you take in the novel sensation of warm water cascading down over you like a rain storm. It’s actually rather nice. The steady stream of the water on your body is relaxing, and you soon decide that this is really a very civilized way to get clean. Another point to the ingenuity of these ponies. Fluttershy doesn’t even seem wealthy; does everypony have this sort of luxury as a matter of course?

You look around for some soap, and your eye lights on a bottle on a shelf inside the cubicle. It looks like the shelf was designed to hold more than just this one bottle, but maybe Fluttershy just uses some sort of all-purpose liquid soap and doesn’t have anything else around. The bottle seems to be made of some flexible but resilient substance that you’re unfamiliar with, and it’s printed with a picture of a sky blue pony partially covered in soap lather, smiling happily. You guess that seems about right.

You drizzle some of the viscous fluid out into your palm. It smells floral and faintly spicy, nice enough, if a bit feminine. Rubbing your hands together soon works it into a rich lather, and you soap yourself up. You’re about halfway through applying the soap when you realise that something is wrong. Actually, a couple of things are wrong. The first is difficult to pin down, just a vague sensation of unease that immediately sets you on edge. You feel a little light-headed, and your vision is slightly hazy, whilst the sound of the water cascading over your body and down to the floor seems to have changed subtly. The other thing is that someone – or, presumably, somepony – else is in the room with you. At least one.

You hear a giggle, and see a pink nose pressed up to the glass wall.

“He used it Dash, he used it! We got him! Hehehe, I wonder what’s going to happen.”

“Yeah, I wonder.”

The door to the cubicle opens, and you can see the two ponies, one pink, one cyan, sitting on their haunches, watching you inquisitively.

They don’t seem put off by your nudity, which you suppose is only natural since they walk around naked the whole time anyway – presumably, it was only the particular circumstances around the Fluttershy incident earlier that made your shirtlessness into a whole thing. Pinkie Pie is watching you with a big grin on her face, like she’s waiting for the punchline of a joke which she’s sure is going to be funny.

Rainbow Dash’s smile isn’t so light-hearted; there’s something dangerous in that determined look. You have time to notice all this, but you’re slow formulating a proper response to the situation, because in the meantime, something else is happening. Your vision is fading. It’s gradual, but even as you regard the two ponies you can see their outlines getting fuzzier and fuzzier, the world slowly becoming nothing to you but light sources and patches of colour. You fight down the rising panic in your chest, and try to keep your voice level.

“…what have you done?”

Pinkie Pie’s inimitable giggle is your first answer. “You’ll see!” she says merrily.

There’s no malice in her voice, which somehow only adds to the horror you feel as your vision continues to deteriorate second by second until you can’t even see the outlines of the ponies six feet away.

“I’m blind,” you say, your voice flat and dead. “…I’m fucking blind.”

“Huh?” Pinkie Pie sounds nonplussed. “Nono, that can’t be right,” she says, a little uncertainly. “Poison joke just plays tricks on people. Funny tricks. Being blind isn’t funny.”

“…poison… joke?”

“Yep! You just rubbed it all over yourself, silly! We put it in your shampoo for a prank.”

You have no words.

“Are you really blind?” comes Rainbow Dash’s voice, a hard edge to her tone.

“I’m really blind,” you reply, still fighting against the churning sensation in your gut that is impelling you to howl in fury and lunge forward to murder whichever of these fucking unbelievable ponies you can lay your hands on.

“…okay. That wasn’t supposed to happen, but whatever, it’s good enough.”

“Wait, what?” Pinkie Pie says sharply. To your surprise, she actually sounds outraged. “You said we were going to play a harmless prank on Anon, not BLIND him!”

“We were! We are! Just – gah, Pinkie, I didn’t know this was going to happen either. But this is what we’ve got to work with, so just roll with it! I need to have a private chat with Anon, so just give me five, okay Pinks?”

“But Rainbow, this is MEAN.”

“…you have an antidote, right?” you cut in, an edge of desperation to your voice.

“Yep, don’t worry!” Pinkie Pie says quickly.

You can almost hear the glare Rainbow Dash gives her. You breathe a ragged sigh of relief.

“So give it to me already. This is NOT funny.”

“He’s right, Dash.”

“Nope,” Rainbow Dash says firmly.

“But-"

“No. Me and Anon are going to have a talk, and then we can think about stuff like antidotes, all right?”

“Dash…”

“Trust me.”

Something seems to pass between the two ponies. Without eyes, it’s a bit hard to tell.

“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie says after a moment, all her previous cheerfulness returned. “I’ll just leave you two alone for a bit then, have fun!”

Hoofsteps leave the bathroom, and you are, presumably, alone with Rainbow Dash. You sense the disturbance in the air as she darts into sudden movement, but disoriented as you are from your loss of vision there’s no time to react. The next thing you know, you’re slumped against the wall, her forehooves pinning your arms back against the tiles as the water continues to drench you both.

“Now, you’re going to tell me what happened with Fluttershy,” she says.

“I don’t exactly see that it’s any of your business.”

“I’ve made it my business, so you’d better just deal with it. What happened?”

“You saw what bloody happened. She rubbed some ointment on my chest, for my bruises from yesterday. Which you’ve probably just made worse, by the way. Aside from blinding me.”

“Yeah, yeah, no need for the sob story, stick to what happened with Fluttershy, because if you hurt her, I’m gonna do a lot worse than this.”

“I told you. You saw what happened. That was as close as we got,” you say, biting back your exasperation.

“You sure seemed to enjoy it.”

“Seven bleeding hells... Yes. Yes, I did. I reckon she was getting quite into it as well. Why do we need your permission?”

“I look out for my friends,” Dash says sharply. “And I don’t know you. I’m happy to welcome you to Equestria, same as the others, but if you start causing trouble-"

“That’s your bloody idea of trouble? Getting a massage?”

“Fluttershy doesn’t have a lot of experience with stallions, all right? Ignoring the fact that you’re not even a stallion, and I don’t even know what your deal is that you’d look at her that way…”

“I’m open-minded. Years on the planes’ll do that to a body.”

“Yeah, well, close it up again. Forget about it. Go ahead and flirt with Rarity all you like, she can take care of herself, but I don’t wanna see you putting your moves on Fluttershy again.”

“Right. Okay, I get it. Fluttershy is a bit naïve, you’re worried about her. D’you think maybe we could have discussed this without blinding me?”

“…I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

“Yeah, but you haven’t fixed it yet, either.”

“I’ll fix it as soon as I know that you’re taking me seriously about Fluttershy.”

“Nope.”

“…seriously?”

“Seriously. This is barmy. I’m about done talking to you, and if you want to have to explain to your friends why I can’t go anywhere on account of being blind, I guess that’s up to you.”

Dash seems to deflate, the pressure of her hooves that had your arms pinned to the wall slackening off a bit. After a moment she backs away from you entirely and turns the shower off.

“…you’re kind of a jerk.”

“You’re the one who blinded me. Jerk.”

“All right, all right… Pinkie!” she calls out. “Let’s get the antidote in here.”

A moment later there’s the unmistakeable sound of Pinkie bouncing in. “Hi guys! Did you have a nice talk? Let’s get this antidote going, shall we?”

You can hear water begin to run in the bath, and the sound of something else being poured into it.

“Anon, I’m really sorry for playing such a mean prank on you,” Pinkie says. “We had no idea it would turn out like that. Dash is sorry too, right Dash?”

“Whatever.”

Again something seems to pass between the ponies, and Dash gives a heavy sigh. "Sorry, Anon,” she says. It’s obvious that the words don’t come easily to her. “This got kinda outta control. But I still mean what I said. If you do anything to hurt her, things are gonna get ugly.”

You just nod. Soon Pinkie leads you over to the bathtub, and you sink in to the warm water. Your vision starts to clear within seconds, and you’re greeted with Pinkie’s beaming face.

“All better?”

“Yup.”

“Great! So I guess we’ll just leave you alone to finish up and get dry and stuff.”

They do just that, and you’re left with some peace and quiet to reflect on what just happened. Sodding barmy ponies.

Comments

[TheTownCrier]

Huzzah!! Today is the day of days!

So much awesome with this story! So bucking glad you wrote this!
Pure reading enjoyment.

[Applechaser]

1718689

Thanks! Glad you're liking it. There's more to come, I have another couple of chapters of similar length written that just need formatting, expect to see them up tomorrow.

[LogicIsFail4199]

and yet the Baldur's Gate crossover remains elusive...

[Templar Pony]

Excellent job chief

[KnifeGun]

HA! Dash got owned.

[worldoftears]

I couldnt stop laughing at some parts of the story