This girl... this girl was different. Bubbly would be an understatement, hyperactive is close. It was like she came from another world.
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My first attempt at a Pony on Earth story, so be easy on me.
Inspired by: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/42550/The-Girl-with-the-Lyre-Tattoo
Cover Art by: http://semehammer.deviantart.com/
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Oh boy.
I will rip this story to shreds.
No going easy for you.
1711903
i see you're still here
1711958 Yup.
Not even going to bother sourcing the cover art by semehammer? For shame.
I'll be following this to see how it develops. I do expect a degree of anti-physics and anti-logic from The Pink One at some point. What I hope to not see is the Pinkamena side of her, but it's okay if that side of her gets included for a bit.
... Creepy. Its like a fan's fetish for meeting a pony in real life and having their way with her
1711929 im with you, i feel in the mood for extreme nit-picking
1712126
There are no such things as Bronies in this world
1712651
What is this "brony" you speak of....there's no such thing!..
I don't make a habit of reading human related stories here but this just screams READ ME... So I will.
You had me at "I need a hero!!!" by the way.
Hi-ho, Deep Pond of the Train Wreck Explorers here! I have a snazzy hat and everything, and I'm here to give your story a good lookin'-at.
i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg
Okay, this . . . actually doesn't look all that bad. Good grammar, minimal errors, double-spacing, one speaker per paragraph . . . good, good.
"I" should be capitalized.
To quote the MST3K classic "Pod People": "Yeah, twist her spine all around!" Seriously, if someone has been hit by a car and is lying there unconscious, you shouldn't be picking them up unless you're a trained paramedic. Now, maybe your OC didn't know this, but it still annoys me.
. . . You didn't notice she was 90% naked when you had your ear pressed to her chest? What kind of 21-year-old are you?
Also, if Pinkie Pie doesn't have clothes on because she doesn't wear clothes as a pony . . . why does she have panties? Shouldn't she be totally naked?
"Look" shouldn't be capitalized, as it's not the start of a new sentence.
Should be "you're," not "your." You're is the contraction of you are; your is the possessive of you.
You have a habit of using short, one-sentence paragraphs. Done correctly, this can heighten tension, but when overused it just makes the narrative choppy. You're overusing this device.
Your pacing is also a bit fast. Slow down and elaborate; describe the scene and Robert's thoughts and reactions. Paint us a picture; don't just give us a quick sketch.
This plot, honestly, is not original. Not saying it's bad, or you shouldn't pursue it, but it's been done before. That said, you show a fair bit of talent, so I hope you keep writing.
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight of Gak
I am really excited for the next chapter.
I actually can't rip this to shreds. There isn't enough for me to rip at that some one (looks up in the comments) hasn't already pointed out. Maybe next chapter I will do a compendium of all the things I can rip on.
so...much...grammar fail
I love how you described Pinkie's innocence.
....this is why i try not to read stories before they are finished. I read them and instantly want more only to find there isnt any. kinda sucks and i do it way to often. *facepalm* anyways cant wait for the next chapter. No pressure though since i realize how hard it is to write sometimes.....fuck i just said no pressure didnt I...sorry
1712651
...
...
PROCEED
Mor mor mor mor.
I am watching your every move.
And it's very boring. You haven't moved in a while.
So MOVE!!!
Awkward is not in Pinkie's vocabulary.
1934510
Hehe, Black can tell you what awkward stuff I just sent him
sweet. cant wait till next week
Thank you! Been waiting to see if this story was dead or not!
Awesome chapter, can't wait for more
Pinkie Pie makes about as much sense as someone who is "high"... which is a lot!... If you can keep up that is...
This is awful. BlackMirage you are a horrible writer.....
This fic makes me lol,
please continue.
Pinkie can talk at 60 MPH? Not surprising. As for travelling to Equestria...
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7159475200/hAD3FB273/
I like
Now, for proper grammar: This chapter has made me laugh and this story will continue to do so, I hope. Good work, bro.
I am enjoying this quite a bit. Please continue.
This could be many things.
Pure comedy, erratic comedy, romantic romance, fuck-buddy romance, or a mosh pit of innuendos and puns.
sweet. cant wait for the next update. dont feel bad about not updating though. i have one story and rarely update it though i should.....ANYWAYS good story cant wait for more
I came upon this surprised to find someone was inspired by my original story. And while I'm very glad that you liked mine enough to pursue another one similiar to mine, yours seems to be more like a PonyFall-type of story than anything. It's competent, just lacking in character. The plot is missing something, maybe something that makes it more realistic? More explanation as to who this guy is. Why did he take her to a hotel and not home, like Adrian did (albeit stupidly)? Or maybe even a hospital? I danced around the issue, but I gave an explanation at the least.
Keep trying.
1712033>>1712126>>1712204>>1712898>>1712991>>1713139>>1713870>>1714070>>1722525>>1750406>>1760150>>1935382>>2254169
(Sorry for posting two comments)
Anyways, I had to make a little name change in the last chapter, I put my own name instead of Seamus. I wanted the story to give a little more realism, because it is based on a real person in the first place.
(EXPECT UPDATE TONIGHT OR TOMORROW)
Is this story dead?
3176371
NO
3176371
MAYBE
3176371
FUCK YOU, HIATUS
3176477
So does that mean it is just on hiatus?
3176523
YES
3176523
PROBABLY
3176675
Well, I hope so, Ill be watching and waiting. Twas enjoyable thus far
As someone named Nathan, I can say the same to you, author.
4230198
For some reason, I had absolutely no doubt that would happen.
Sorry, Good Guy Nathan!
Don't be embarrassed by Bonnie Tyler, Mister Main Character! Everyone loves Bonnie Tyler, even the ones who say they don't because you can't the classics.
Woo hoo! Its Not Dead! I have been watching for this story for a very long time and am glad to see it back.
1961811 img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131018205842/walkingdead/images/0/0c/GTFO.png
4237594 You are missing some context.
still a fucking awesome story. glad to see you back