• Member Since 28th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 11th, 2013

SKYLINE44


My usual work on the internet is on Deviantart (SKYLINE44), but I wanted to try something new, so I chose to write!


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Equestria....destroyed in minutes by a war taken out of the hooves of pony and zebra kind alike. Everything completely obliterated, a land enclosed in a blanket of balefire and radiation. The cities, the towns...but whatever happened to the Crystal Empire?

Our story begins with the final moments of the Crystal Empire, when Caesar's legion of zebras attack the crystal city. The Legate(commander over the legion attack) is plotting a scheme with King Sombra, who he resurrected with dark magic. Little did he know of what Sombra was capable of, a mistake which would kill millions.

(200 years later)
Skyline, a Zony with a taste for adventure, has lived his whole life in the wasteland and enjoys it too, the scavenging, prewar treasures, and even blasting raiders to pieces. But ever since the conflict between Red Eye's forces and the Pegasus Enclave, he just doesn't find it fun anymore, Equestria has had enough wars already and he doesn't think another is going to help it any further. So he decides to leave...to explore and improve his skills in another wasteland; the Crystal Empire.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 21 )
PMC

Glad to see someones finally implementing crystal ponies into the Fallout Equestria universe. Props to you good sir.

Good concept, well written. I cant see how it got a thumbs down so just ignore that.
There are a few mistakes but they can easily be rectified.
One you many not spot is that Zebras don't use stealth bucks but stealth cloaks. They had invisibility first and then we stole it with help from Rarity.
I am surprised that you have ended it though; well I cant see how it would continue anyway. You have in effect killed off the Crystal Empire, permanently... you might want to change that.

1718003 YOU DARE QUESTION THE GLORY OF CAESAR.

No, I'm kidding, I agree. Fo:E is too overdone, and only once in a blue moon do we get a decent one.

1718165 Could I have an opinion on my FoE fic? Though I will point out it wouldn't be what it is with out my proof readers!

1718180 I read the first chapter, and from what I can tell, it's pretty good. You seem to have a decent following, and your story is, grammatically speaking, perfectly fine. You've fleshed out your characters well, and that's what matters. Keep going with it. As long as people enjoy reading it, keep going.

1718203 You read 11'700 words in 8 minutes! :pinkiegasp: Wow! I have a small collection of dedicated followers but not much but I am going to stick at it!

1718062 Well shoot! I totally forgot about that, thanks for pointing that out! Hope you enjoyed the first Chapter!1718165 Well this only explains how the Crystal Empire was destroyed, the main base of the story is 200 years after, where Skyline(main character) finds the ruins, and what it is like after.

SPOILER::
There is going to be Crystal pony ghouls!

This goes on my read later list and I'll give it a like. Ignore the downvotes, there's the occasional dumbass who goes around down-voting without stating reasons. If you have any tech ideas feel free to send me a PM. Check out my story FoE: Armed Redemption if you feel like it. :ajsmug:

Thanks Korloros! I'll check out yours too:D

I do not understand why people who don't like something insist on commenting on it. They already know they won't say anything constructive or meaningful so what the hell?

As for the story, the cover is amazing and the writing itself is pretty good. I especially like the opening with the balefire meeting the city's shield.

...Would you arsed enough to poke around my stories some time? :unsuresweetie:

Why thank you! I think the main reason that people thumbs downed it was because it seemed like the Crystal Empire was obliterated completely, but in the end I state the top of the Crystal Tower is above the snowy tundra, so what could that possibly say about what happened to the city,:rainbowderp:HINT HINT!!!

And of course I shall take a peek at your stories, since you have commented on mine:twilightsmile:

this is awesome!! i don't think i've ever read two chapter so quickly in my life!!

:rainbowkiss:I'm glad you like it! Stay tuned for more!

This is outrageous! You have 14 comments, but not one that welcomes you to the herd!

So here it is: Welcome to the Fo:E herd young one. Nice to see a crystal empire story, but I think that you maybe are a little to fast. We do all know that Sombras horn are going to have a role again, so I am 98,2% sure that we are going to learn something new and totally unexpected about the crystal empire later on. But that could also just be me that are a little to negative now

There is to damn many red votes on this story, so it is REVIEW TIME to prove them wrong!

As a first note must I say that it is funny that your first chapter are your longest one, it is usually the other way around. But when that is said is it nice to see that they are so small so I can read them in the morning before I have to go to work, so expect a lot of reviews from me... If I can wake up the first time my alarm rings that is :derpytongue2:

I can see that you use Sombra in your story. Something that I would say is rather risky since we don´t know what there is going to happen to him later on in the season. Especially since you use his black magical powers, powers that we know next to nothing about... Well we know that he love big stairs, and therefore must be a slinky fan, but beside that are he unknown. But more power to you dude if you keep it going like this with his character... Although he is a little over the edge, more raider swearing evil than dictator of a kingdom evil right now. But that are a minor detail that dosn´t play a big role.

One thing that amazed me was that you took Shining Armor and Princess Cadence into your story. Both because they have been used in other Fo:E fics and because they have some major roles in the show, so they are some big characters to write. Cadence did not talk, so I have none comments about how you wrote her. But Shining Aemor was a little bit away from his normal self would I say. More hateful, and yes I know that it is weird I say that when he are in a war, but he was rather calm under the changeling attack, and more protective than anything else. That Shining was a ranger, was also a surprise. The powerarmor was made for earth ponies, something that is stated many times and in many stories. But that are a minor thing. He is royal, so I could easily see a good explanation at some point in the story that tells us how they made his armour special for him. (Cadence was in Monarch of a new world where Shinning also was in, and Shinning have also been in Starlight so far I can remember)

And Paladin Lyra Heartstrings I think her link are enough in it self, but beside that are she a unicorn. And I can´t see her cut away her horn just to go to war with the rangers. I know that it is a minor thing, but it is a plothole none the less sadly.

One thing I also want to talk about just quickly is the Crystal Heart in the end. I really like what you did. And it sounds really like something that Sombra would do. But becoming a balefire bomb of dark magic... There is a lot of different views upon what makes a balefire bomb tick. Is it a real megaspell? Or a dragon/phoenix egg that have been transformed by necromancy to the destructive power we know and love? The thing is that they are special. I can't see how he could do that kind of magic, and would say that some shadow spell would fit better. Or a spell that spewed liquid dark crystal over the whole kingdom or something. What I want to get at is that balefire is the zebras special, not Sombras. And on that note about the line "
... it released magic with the power of ten Megaspells combined." That is maybe overdoing it. With what we know about megaspells do you need a cart full of strong unicorns to make one, and to make ten... I know that some of the power could come from the hearth itself, but I don´t think that there would be any power in it when the shield shut down like that.

But when all that are said and done. It is nice to see a crystal empire story. I have heard a lot of talk about people who have planned them, but planning and acting are two wholly different things, so congrats whit being the first in the new lands dude. And I would not have written all of this if I didn´t think that you could do better and that there was something in this story that got my interest. That there is some bumps that need smoothing are a minor detail, we can´t all make perfect stories in the first try. You should just know how many Fo:E stories I have seen being rewritten because the writers knew that they could do better. So there is nothing bad meant with this, mostly, negative feedback. See it as a eye opener, a way to make a even better story than what you have already dude

Nitpick time!
It would be nice if you made a quick Ctrl+F search after double spaces next time you open this chapter up to make some edits, because I found 7 of them in this chapter. Also a thing you could look at is your spaces around commas, because some places to you have one to many, and others do you not have any at all

" Y-you are asking me to...to...betray my kind?" You have forgotten to make a space after your triple periods, but have a period to many in the start of your sentence, you do not need to make one after your " when they start a sentence

"screaming in pain so much that his veins began to bulge and his eyes bled." It looks to me like you are missing a word in this sentence

"He called out to the Caesar that he was innocent, and would never commit such high treason." What you have here is a classic case of telling us what happens, instead of drawing us into the story by showing it to us. It would be better for your story to write down what he yells. How he begs for forgiveness, how he proves his innocence by naming some of the good thing he have done in life. Or something like that.

"take note the pain you just experienced" Are you not missing a word here? The first that springs to my mind is "of"

"You decide to resurrect me back into this world" Should the decide not have been in past tense?

"And just a few minutes ago you were complaining to me like a fucking school filly about treason!!" You should try to avoid the double exclamation mark, because it isn´t used in real books so often. It are more used in comicbooks and school work. One are more than enough to show that he yells. And if you ever need to show that they yell really high, then capitalize all the letters in what they say.

"because apparently murdering your superiors is a fucking community service!" I would advice you against using fuck in this sentence. It aren´t something that evil guys yell in their speeches, and it makes him seem a little bit immature. I would try to use some older swearwords instead. Sombra have after all some years behind him.

"no.....millions" I would put a triple period in here instead. Because this is wrong. You do not use more than 3 periods to show things like this. Rules and all that.

"The shield fell, and the final battle for the Crystal Empire had begun" That was rather melodramatic... Noy details about the last green fire that licked the shield? Some flickering? The hearth that stopped spinning/ shattered into a million pieces, hurting some of the ponies that was near it to give it a last powerboost?

"The forces of Caesar’s Legion clashed with the Crystal Empire’s Steel Rangers in the outskirts of the city" Stop stop stop! You have a special setting that are build on crystal magic, making the ponies living in the city sparkle like vampires in a spotlight... And you chose to use the old Steel Rangers that all the others also use?

"There was no artillery support from either side, it was an army against an army" Last time I checked was the artillery a part of the army. I think that you want a better fitting word here

"and this was only the beginning." Remember that it is in past tense

"The young mare Paladin didn’t answer, obviously not wanting to tell her commander the transmission they received.
Paladin Roads stepped up.
“Sir, please excuse Paladin Heartstrings. Hoofington denied Enclave support because... they don’t have any. Nopony does, the Grand Pegasus Enclave fled back into the skies, refusing to answer anyone still on the ground. I’m afraid we’re on our own out here sir.” You forgot to separate your two lines here

"enjoying the smell of vaporized zebra through his rebreather" Re-breathers are made so that no foreign elements goes down into the lungs of the user. So it would be a little hard to smell something like that.

"his blood splattering over Shining Armor’s face" If he are in powerarmor would he have a mask on.

Thank you so much for the review! I'm really glad you weren't harsh about my mistakes, I mean this is my first story and I didn't even think that many people would look at it! I do hope you keep reading, since I'll be posting chapters every other day, mainly because my main work is on deviantart as you may know from the request I did for ya.

Thanks again for the very thoughtful review! I know I'm not the greatest writer out there, but I do my best from experience:twilightsmile:

1752679
What would any of us gain from a harsh review? You would lose some of your motivation, the story would have died a little bit, and I would just have gotten a bad day by knowing that I ruined a story. But with this did I get better at pointing out mistakes, learned something I can use when I one day start to write, and helped out with a story and the Fo:E community. I see that as a win-win situation :pinkiehappy:

Totally a win! I hope you'll start writing soon:twilightsmile:

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