• Published 28th Nov 2012
  • 4,392 Views, 110 Comments

SIX walk IN - KitsuneRisu



Twilight and Friends visit an old house to celebrate a birthday with deadly results.

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E: And There Upon the Hill...

Epilogue -And There Upon the Hill Rested The House


There is a tale of six ponies who walked into a house one day; a tale that they all tell in Ponyville; A tale of things that happened oh so very long ago.

A tale about six who walked in one day to meet something that they did not expect.

And a tale of one who walked back out.

A pony who wore a curious expression. A pony who carried a heavy weight.

This was a tale of a pony who stood at the crossroads between safety and danger. Between hope and despair. Between life and death.

To the left of her was a path that rode through the sunbeams and the leaf-scattered dales that held the warmth of home.

To her right was a path that led deep into the heart of the forests that leeched the life out of all things and beheld dangers that no pony ever wished to face.

And this is a tale of the pony who stood there for a very long time, thinking about things, musing about life, wondering about existence.

And this is a tale of the pony who turned right.

And walked.

A long walk.

A brazen walk.

A walk consciously chosen.

Some say she hoped to find what she had lost in the forests deep.

Some say she wished to rejoin her friends in the only way she knew how.

Some say she had been waiting so long that she had given up on everything else.

Some say she just got lost.

But whatever the reason, the story ends and begins with the six who walked in.

And the one who walked out, with a smile on her face.

The End

Comments ( 49 )

1729615
They're dead. Pinkie went insane.

1772283
Essentially, yes. But the idea is that that is HER punishment. Each of them is being cursed in their own way... and Fluttershy's curse is to follow without question and do horrific things without control - just as Twilight had her do in her role.

Wow. Sad, creepy, dark story. Just wow.:pinkiesad2::pinkiecrazy:

Well. That was really something. I must say, you really can build an atmosphere. The house itself had a character all its own, thanks to your descriptions. I loved all the little things like how the doors didn't creak, and the interior was so well preserved. All these details were so unique and they built such a consistent scene that I could really picture the old paint and unlit hallways in my head.

Also, you make really great use of suspense in this story. The scene where Fluttershy visits Twilight is set up and executed so perfectly. I could see all the pieces lining up through that whole chapter, and as it all fell into place it had a certain sense of inevitability to it. All of the chapters were fresh and different from one another, from Rarity's costume thing (I'll admit, I could see that one coming from the moment she was assigned to costume duty. But then, surprise wasn't really the point to that one.) to Rainbow Dash's isolation experience, to Applejack's chapter (which you did warn me was heartbreaking, but jeez, was it ever!) Each chapter played cleverly on the insecurities of each character.

The one chapter I'm not wild about was Pinkie's chapter. I mean, it was great for tying the whole thing together and all, but it doesn't really feel like it explored the depths of Pinkie's personality the way the others did. Also, you could stand to make the influence of the House on everypony's minds just a little subtler. It's a tricky balance, to be sure--too subtle, and the reader fails to pick up that it's the House at all, and just thinks you're writing the protagonists out of character. But too much, and it overrides the will of the characters, lessening the value of the insight into their psyches the story affords us. Because that's why we're really here, isn't it? We don't read and write this stuff because we like seeing our favorite ponies get mangled, we read and write it because it lets us examine how our favorite ponies' minds work when they're thrown into situations that are never going to come up in the show.

Overall, a very fantastic piece of prose, quite chilling, downright unpleasant at times in all of the right ways. It's a shame you don't have more followers, because you are a damn fine writer.

1791178
I always mess up with Pinkie! Arrrhhh!! :pinkiesick: It always comes to that I always tend to use her as the wrap-up, so her roles are diminished in my stories. I think I'm stuck with that habit... but yeah, that's a good thing to pay attention to. Need to expand her role!

And as for the decision to make the influence less subtle, that was a pretty hard choice to make. I DID go back and forth many many times wondering where and how I should elaborate on that most of their actions were switching back and forth between themselves and an unknown influence (which doesn't, by itself, have many rules in the first place). The hardest one, I think, was for Fluttershy, because she needed the most 'corruption', in that there was probably no way she could perform her role with only a little bit of suggestion. If she had more scenes where she fought with herself and had to struggle, it would have detracted from the individuality of the other scenes, and she was meant to play the role of the unwitting harbinger. So yeah, it was very tricky for that case. I like to think of it that Fluttershy's mind was already so weak in the first place that she allowed the House to influence her far deeper than the others - in the same way that Pinkie's influence lies mostly in her feelings and Applejack was strong willed enough to actually fight it (which lends itself to the tragic harlequin layout).

That said though, I actually could see them all having diminished direct effects... I think I should have been subtler with a few of them. I can see it working with Rainbow and Twilight, but Rarity's is much more of a direct thing, and I'm not sure how it might work for her case. Any ideas?

But thanks for the insights, surely, I will take them up to heart to apply for the future.

And I'm relieved to hear that you liked it! :twistnerd:

1792031 Pinkie can be tricky. Even without the distraction of wrapping up the main plot, she's just a plain tough balancing act to manage. Make her too wacky, she'll get on people's nerves, but if you tone her down too far, she isn't Pinkie anymore.

The guiding star for the level of influence to use should be what best displays the internal workings of each of the characters' minds. Fluttershy, for example, (who you did very well, I might add) might have worked better if she was motivated by guilt. Instead of being mind-dominated to believe that she was helping her friends by killing them, she could continually perceive herself as consistently failing each of her friends in turn. Instead of being constantly driven by the will of the house, she would only need to get a little confused each time she meets another of her friends. The deed gets done, her head clears, and she gets a fresh heap of guilt to fuel further mistakes. By the time she comes around to Pinkie, she'd be relieved when the party cannon is finally revealed. But you already handled Fluttershy very well, so this is just a possibility.

I'm not really sure I have any ideas for Rarity's scene. Maybe, instead of literally fusing to her costume, she could have gotten out of her costume already, but she still believes she's stuck in it. That could be an opportunity to explore and subvert her sense of vanity.

I'm glad to help (if indeed you could rightly call any of this 'help'). Have a good time, whatever you go on to write!

1792750
To respond, Fluttershy actually did work along those lines. The subtleties, which you probably picked up on, was in that she does what she's told without question. Twilight, Dash and Rarity's were much more clear, but AJ and Fluttershy's links were that - AJ convinced Pinkie to go at the start (but failed), and her scenario revolves around having to convince Fluttershy to not do what she was going to do (and failing). Fluttershy's was about following orders against her desires, which she does a lot in general, and the 'influence' of the house was to just tell her, do this. Why? Because. And she does it, but soon it starts to become 'natural' to her and she has trouble telling apart the idea of the act and the ramifications. I did also inject a bit of the idea of failure into it, and the voices of her friends that spoke were the things that convinced her that she was doing good -- also just like how it might happen in a 'real life' situation.

The house wasn't directly controlling her actions. As stated from the start, how it sort of works (at least how I tried to make it) was that it fills in the gaps in the cracks of the brain. All it was doing for Fluttershy was muddling her sensibilities and playing off her beliefs in that her friends know better. It's very vague, I admit, but then, I like to leave such things open for interpretation as well. What I'm writing here is just how I pictured it when I wrote it, but any interpretation is fine.

Although admittedly, having her actually -happy- that she was going to die was something I hadn't considered, and I actually love that idea. Where were you 3 weeks ago when I needed to brainstorm? :twistnerd:

My original draft for Rarity had her simply turning into a monster. But I decided to muddle it again, and keep it vague, and I decided to actually just go with a physical-appearing change (although whether it was TRULY physical or just in their minds is up for debate) because I'm a big fan of body horror and I just wanted to have one scene which had the elements of body horror in it, and Rarity seemed like the perfect choice.

If I had to do a scene with that idea where I was going for an entirely psychological approach, I would definitely have to use yours, which would be perfect for in that theme. It Parallels Twilight's condition perfectly, and has the vanity angle as well.

Honestly, you have some really wicked ideas here. I just might have to bother you in the future if I ever did another horror fic. Maybe we can even work together! Collabo! =D

1792817 Yeah, drop me a line if you ever feel like doing something like that. I would love to pretend I'm being of assistance.

1794297
How about gettin' rid of that STINKIN' THINKIN'? :ajbemused:
You're a great writer.

1821607
I've been asked this before! Nope, it isn't, though =)

chapter 3+ (using fimfiction chapter count, therefor chapter 1 = prologue)
-> more horror so far

chapter 4+
-> It slowly corrupts them one by one and shows struggle,
the outcome is a bit less obvious
the corruption is different, less wholesome,
-> Love . Sick has complete corruption that twists them into
different characters, really. While this has a more subtle hold... which is better... for reasons. >.>
also liking how the whole different viewpoints showing that parts of the previous scenes did not actually happen (or of the current scene)
and the added mystery of what exactly is happening.
and also more subtle clues that they are actually affected

chapter 4
... also wow, fluttershy killing them all came unexpected

chapter 5
"But… something was missing. Something had turned off. When she came down the hallway, she knew there were lanterns set up in the balcony behind her, thanks to Applejack. But now, it was dark and dull again, and not a flicker of a lamp could be seen."
took the first 2 sentences of that as RD noticing that twi died

... poor RD. That was just plain horrible.

chapter 6
Also really liking how the resistance of the shown character (their understanding of the situation) as the story progresses.

chapter 7
... you like keeping pinkie for last, don't you?

kay so much for the running commentary while reading. This story is definitly better than its predecessor and quite engaging.

and now for commenting on comments:

That said though, I actually could see them all having diminished direct effects... I think I should have been subtler with a few of them. I can see it working with Rainbow and Twilight, but Rarity's is much more of a direct thing, and I'm not sure how it might work for her case. Any ideas?

Keep Rarity's scene as is for the most part ... just remove/change a few responses from Fluttershy for less confirming that there's been fusing and more Rarity just thinking that it happened and still suffering the effects from it. (let her describe the oil and all, as it is currently)
And then when fluttershy's side is shown after rarities death, describe what she is seeing in a way that only makes sense if the costume wasn't fused.

Also I'd say the effect on twilight was just right, it set the whole thing up to be purely psychological, exposing their weakness and then warping their perception around it. With that set up, RD works perfectly as well. And in both cases Fluttershy seems to reveal that their suffering is imaginary for the most part.

... when you ask for a comment, you get a long comment ^^

edit: Oh right, I've actually got one complaint - the setting's too modernised for equestria, pretty sure they don't have widespread usage of electricity. (and I think there's a word of god stating that they don't have electricity at all and it's all magic powered if it looks like an electric appliance.)

2085939

That's ok, I like long. I love long. =3

... also wow, fluttershy killing them all came unexpected

/)o^_^o(\

... you like keeping pinkie for last, don't you?

Ya, I do =D
I don't know why, honestly. It just happens that way.

Well, either way, glad you like it, and yeah, it's better, innit! Maybe my next one will be EVEN better.

And great advice on the costume! Not sure why I didn't think of that before. I think I had planned hers to be bodyhorror a long time ago and it just stuck. I should have had that to keep the theme consistent. Good idea though!

Are they imaginary... or is what Fluttershy seeing the imaginary things? OH HO HO HO!

edit: Oh right, I've actually got one complaint - the setting's too modernised for equestria, pretty sure they don't have widespread usage of electricity. (and I think there's a word of god stating that they don't have electricity at all and it's all magic powered if it looks like an electric appliance.)

Unfortunately I fall into the camp of people who regards 'word of god' as a FORM of headcanon until proved in the show. I personally, in my own canon, allow electricity in Equestria. There's been a lot of devices in the show that simply can't run without electricity and makes no sense to run off magic purely. For example, surely all the baking equipment in Sugar Cube corner (like the giant mixer, or taffy puller or all the ovens) use electricity to some extent, and none of the ponies in the bakery are unicorns (save the baby, but let's not even go there =) ) and having a dedicated unicorn around to power the machines is less realistic than 'having electricity'. They also have DJ turntables, spotlights, microphones...

So, after due consideration, and I respect this complaint. :fluttershbad: But let's just have it part of the canon in which electricity exists. =)

The only thing that I'm sort of as a joke to myself, purposely ignoring is the fact that PHONES don't exist. It's very weird because things of FAR more advanced technology than the phone exists, but you never ever see a phone. So something in my fics that I avoid is adding telephony just as a little thing. I'm sure they COULD exist though, eh?

2088251

I don't know why, honestly. It just happens that way.

Well it works. Pinkie has the necessary abilities to be believable, and it provides another change of how things play out preventing the reading from seeming repetitive.

Maybe my next one will be EVEN better.

There's another one planned? :D yay!

Are they imaginary... or is what Fluttershy seeing the imaginary things? OH HO HO HO!

Clearly its both, the house is actually inhabited by Sombra and/or Changelings.

Unfortunately I fall into the camp of people who regards 'word of god' as a FORM of headcanon until proved in the show. I personally, in my own canon, allow electricity in Equestria.

Suppose that makes sense ^^

There's been a lot of devices in the show that simply can't run without electricity and makes no sense to run off magic purely. For example, surely all the baking equipment in Sugar Cube corner (like the giant mixer, or taffy puller or all the ovens) use electricity to some extent, and none of the ponies in the bakery are unicorns (save the baby, but let's not even go there =) ) and having a dedicated unicorn around to power the machines is less realistic than 'having electricity'. They also have DJ turntables, spotlights, microphones...

Urgs, don't remind me. The whole setting makes less and less sense the more episodes are shown >.> ... though actually exploring this dissonance between their apparent level of technological development and the lack of widespread usage of said technology might be interesting.
(Or one can look at the newest episode and the "tiny gem vs huge INDUSTRIAL blowdrier" and just go with "the writers just don't give a damn" ^^)

Also about phones: If no one invented them, they don't exist, simple as that ^^ Just because all the necessary parts might be there, doesn't mean someone had the idea (or need?) to combine them.

edit: thinking on it, there's got to be some huge industry somewhere, or some completely different solution, or half the things in the show would make even less sense than they do oO

2088286

Well it works. Pinkie has the necessary abilities to be believable, and it provides another change of how things play out preventing the reading from seeming repetitive.

Actually, maybe she'll be the focus next time 'round. In the past two she's had a really sort of 'small' role. Perhaps it'll be the madness of Pinkie... There's an idea.

There's another one planned? :D yay!

Well, I'm actually working on a bunch of dark fics now. Have you heard of the Little Town project? I've gathered a bunch of writers to contribute dark stories to a sort of collaboration series. I'm already writing one in the works about Mayor Mare and a little too much greed....

But possibly for the spiritual sequel to this one and Love.Sick I'll keep it by itself. You know. Once an idea strikes me. I'm playing around with the return of the concept of 'helplessness', so the main character is tortured by her inability to do anything but watch her friends decline.

Clearly its both, the house is actually inhabited by Sombra and/or Changelings.

:trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright:

"the writers just don't give a damn"

Yes. I think subscribing to this would be for the benefit of us all.

thinking on it, there's got to be some huge industry somewhere, or some completely different solution, or half the things in the show would make even less sense than they do

Clearly the giant blowdrier, for example, was built as a way to test the wonderbolts at the academy in 'storm flying' techniques......

2088327

Well, I'm actually working on a bunch of dark fics now. Have you heard of the Little Town project? I've gathered a bunch of writers to contribute dark stories to a sort of collaboration series. I'm already writing one in the works about Mayor Mare and a little too much greed....

Woha that group was founded by you? o.o neat! I've read about that group in one of WD's blogs ... and well, quite liking the idea since I personally agree that gore != horror.
And a horror story about politicians and greed? oO Now that does sound interesting. There isn't a publicly readable chapter of that yet, is there?

While I'm already at replying:

I'm playing around with the return of the concept of 'helplessness', so the main character is tortured by her inability to do anything but watch her friends decline.

Discord is aware while turned to stone (and apparently aware of more than just his immediate surroundings, if I recall correctly). That's such a huge contrast from his reality reshaping ways that I bet something can be worked from there. Granted, there'd be no "friends declining" bit, but I suppose one might find another hook.
Alternatively, there's an upcoming bandwagon of alicorn!twilight and so far I haven't seen a "twilights friends are dying from old age, she can't cope with that and tries her best to prevent it, but ultimately fails and breaks down" (perhaps with a side note of accidentally killing one of them.) Bonus points for dooming herself in some way or another in the process.
Or a classic: Celestias failure to prevent Luna from becoming NMM.

Yes. I think subscribing to this would be for the benefit of us all.

Jup, it also opens up the possibility of just outright ignoring whatever bullshit they toss in next ^^

2088358
Ya, that's my project. =D

Not a publicly readable chapter as of such. I have a little bit written, and it's in alpha stage, so probably will have some changes to be made. The presentation is through a non-defined 3rd party 'unreliable narrator' through which the reader ascribes his or her own qualities; so in essence the narrator can be whatever type of pony, or whatever gender, you wish. The point of that perspective is to allow the neutral unfolding of the plight of Mayor Mare, but through a closer interaction rather than just unveiling it as it would a story.

You can see what I have so far here, but it is only the start of it, and as mentioned, in draft status. It has a slow build up, more typically found in my other pieces of work, just to create the atmosphere.

"twilights friends are dying from old age, she can't cope with that and tries her best to prevent it, but ultimately fails and breaks down"

Oh... this will happen. A lot. If not already. I know I've heard some of my mates throw this idea around like MONTHS ago, even before the twilight debacle.

In any case, I actually rather depart from the established lore for these horror fics, but anything else I might use for the Little Town thingie.

2306962
Hi, Furrypony, thank you for the very long and very elaborate comment! Man, I do love reading these. =) I apologize for taking so long to respond, but I've been busy recently. But I'm here now, so let's swing into it!

Allow me to answer your questions and concerns one by one!

First of all, let me thank you for the kind words and I hope you enjoyed it regardless of the problems. When I was writing it, I had a central idea of two themes. Everything else was sort of variable, like how the mist affected them, and yes, the mist is not meant to be explained. If anything was a device, the mist was, in the form of a macguffin. But to me, the idea of the story was behind the journey and the ultimate inability to escape fate that drove the story forward. I considered it that they were all doomed from the first time that Twilight set hoof in the house.

One of the two themes I wrote on was that the mist affected something related to what each pony had to do in the plan to prank Pinkie. Twilight was the planner, it attacked her with her need to keep to plans. Rarity had to dress up in a skin to frighten her, it gave her a new skin. Rainbow dragged Pinkie down the hall, she was... dragged. Fluttershy FAILED her mission, and her task was 'getting over failure' which meant that she was successful at... doing something no one else wanted. And Applejack convinced Pinkie to go, and she had to convince Fluttershy to let HER go.

The other theme was that it all sort of affected them in their weakspots, but you sort of already picked that up.

Why didn't you have the generosity to give Twilight some paragraphs for her final thoughts?!

Because all you'd hear in her head is "omgomgomg I must fix the bed I must fix the bed argh the beeeedddd" and for the scene, presented from the perspective of Fluttershy, I felt it might have been more eerie to not go into Twilight's mind in that way, otherwise it breaks the tension of the scene. Otherwise, I was saving the sad bits for Applejack, as the only thing in AJ's chapter was that whole feeling of the loss of hope, and there ain't anything better for that than a little bit of inner monologue. =) Really gets you in with the character and kicks you where it hurts, eh!

So, for Rarity, Applejack and Rainbow Dash, they did nothing wrong, and their death was not tragic, just very sad.

Personally, I found that Applejack's bit was the 'tragic' one. I classified it as tragedy because of the elements that she was the only one who COULD escape, she actually BEAT the mist, and was only conquered by her love and trust, and hope was cruelly snatched away. Dash wouldn't fall into that because she succumbed to the visions (or were they real?) and she couldn't fight back. Applejack lost everything due to friendship and trust, and to me that's a tragedy. But, your interpretation is perfectly fair too! I suppose it's what we FEEL is tragic, huh? But it's nice to see different interpretations of it.

I would agree that Stabbyshy and Twilight Sparkle is also more tragic though, and the others are a bit sad.

For Pinkie Pie, I find her a simple, out-of-character, plot device whose only function was to give my favorite pony the sad idea to throw a party in the cursed house

Let me explain Pinkie Pie in my vision! As mentioned before, the plot device wasn't Pinkie herself. It was actually the Mist. She was only struck by it during the pranking scene, as you picked up, but it wasn't her who gave Twilight the idea. In the prologue, when Twilight went to the house for the first time, she already was 'possessed' by the mist, and it was in fact the mist that gave her the 'idea' in the first place.

Everything else happened in turn. Pinkie Pie's deal was that she was getting addicted to her pinkie sense. Every time her pinkie sense went off, it gave her massively good feelings. And no, I'm not alluding to other certain specific feelings. :scootangel: It's just a mystical feeling that is really addictive and really good. So she started to follow them, and try to be around when her friends died in order to get the feelings, then started to manipulate the environment to HELP Fluttershy kill the others, in order to get more of the feelings. Finally, when it was only her and Fluttershy left, she thought she could get one final 'pinkie sense jolt' by offing Fluttershy herself, but at the moment that it happened, the Mist loosened its grasp on her and she realised what she had done. So Pinkie's story is also tragic in that sense.

I threw in a little joke there, if you notice at the very start of the story, RD mentions that it's always 5 ponies who die? That's because most horror stories and movies have 5 characters dying. So I decided to play on that trope a bit and have Pinkie be the 'survivor'. But her demise is when she realised what she'd done after she was released and then went off to kill herself in the Everfree Forest or whatever it is you think she did in there.

So when she locked AJ and Fluttershy in, she was hoping that Fluttershy would off AJ to give her that pinkie sense shock that came when one of her friends was killed. Remember. Friendship is magic. I was playing off the idea that Pinkie is nothing without her friends. So her friends surely helped her feel good... but in a certain way!

BTW, I think having her actually -happy- that she was going to die was something that would have been RIGHT IN THE FEELS

Man, I should have thought of that! You're absolutely right. This is a terrific idea. Damn! :facehoof:

Rainbow probably didn't die swiftly, since Fluttershy was too weak to kill her clean off. She might have endured some neck-sawing and non-lethal stabbing before dying of hemorrhagic shock.

I didn't think about it that much, but if you notice I tend to gloss over the gory bits and the actual detail of the actions for most of them because I believe imagination fills it in how we want to in the scariest way possible. Rather than writing another cupcakes or rainbow factory I prefer my horror non-visceral and more descriptive and moody. =) So I'd say that this is a success right here! The only one I had a bit more description was with Applejack, which was required because it was a omg feels bit, and Rarity, but it was just cloth ....! Wasn't... wasn't it? :raritydespair:

I really wasn't thinking about how long it took them all to die, but there's a reason why I wanted Fluttershy to go fast. It was to show that Pinkie didn't give a flying toot. It was jarring, hopefully, and different from the other deaths to have a bit of that shock as well, like oh. Pinkie actually is just CRAZY and isn't messing around. Maybe this wasn't transferred well enough, but I couldn't see Pinkie giving Fluttershy a slow and drawn out death at that junction. Unless you read it that the entire time she was giving the story as the time it took to kill her, because let's face it, Fluttershy sort of knew where it was going, didn't she? :fluttercry:

Now, to answer your final point, this story DEFINITELY isn't canon, nor does it lie in the canonity of the show. I took a lot of liberties, and just wanted to tell an amusing, not-too-serious horror story that doesn't have to lie in the show's reality. It's horror to be enjoyed as the genre.

So: Let me answer your final questions!

How would Equestria cope with it?

Celestia had a bit of a cry and then passed the elements of harmony on to the next bearers. The mane 6 weren't the first bearers and certainly wouldn't be the last. They were made in the form of 5 necklaces and 1 tiara. Unless Celestia had 5 necks and only one head, it makes sense that they were made for the explicit purpose of being used by a team. There were previous bearers and there would be future ones. I imagine a sequel to this story where the CMCs, the new bearers of the elements, 3 years down the road, find the house again after it mysteriously reappears one day and try to find their families and friends for the legend of the house lived on as a whisper....

How would Princess Celestia swallow the fact that her faithful student was impaled by glass shards?

Had a bit of a cry. Also I don't think she ever found out. The ending is vague on purpose, because you can imagine what happened to Pinkie or whatever, maybe the story got out, maybe it didn't, maybe Pinkie ranted it to someone before dying and they thought it was the story of a madwoman, who knows? Point is, the house has been doing this for a while now, and it doesn't leave traces of bodies or blood. Leaves people's STUFF, yeah, but not bodies or blood. No evidence of that! So there might be no way that Celestia would know! Or maybe Pinkie found her one day and started blubbering some weird story and Celestia had her committed.

And I thought Twilight had made it clear in S1E09 that there aren't anything supernatural in Equestria, so what was this cruel, murderous mist?

Twilight is frequently wrong, and silly poo poo head.

I imagine the Mist is actually the emulsified form of Cranky Doodle Donkey's soul.

Thank you for reading. :twistnerd::twistnerd:

2554082
Ah yes, Chapter 5 ^_^
The feels chapter. ^_^

2873957
That's one of the interpretations. :pinkiehappy:

I am trying to coalesce my thoughts into something coherent, but I'm failing to do so. (side note: I've spent the last 2-4 days with this comment partially written up, but I always fall asleep before I finish writing down my ramblings, so half the things I say probably don't make sense to me anymore).

I was creeped out, but not as much as Love . Sick. Not sure why; this one is definitely better written. Maybe it's because Love . Sick Twilight was pretty normal while we got to see everyone else change in increasingly absurd ways. This story, on the other hand, has all of the Mane 6 being warped one way or another (perhaps not AJ, but she wasn't the focus of the story like Twilight was in Love . Sick).

Technically speaking, the only issues I had were some sentences structured to sound old-timey. I don't have examples off the top of my head, but it was distracting enough to break immersion occasionally.

Twilight's chapter creeped me out, probably because I was still adjusting to the atmosphere at this point.
Rarity's chapter was rather obvious, which, while not necessarily an issue, did make me end up skimming parts of it.
I don't know if it's because I have some attachment to Rainbow, or because of some other factor, but I did end up skimming a lot of that chapter.
I think I liked AJ's chapter the best. It was obvious to me how she would meet her demise, but the attempt at redemption was touching.
I notice (from the two stories of yours that I've read) that Pinkie is a palette cleanser -- she appears at the end to tie up any loose ends. There was no point to this statement.

I dunno. Maybe I just don't read enough horror to give insightful comments about horror stories.

Technically speaking, the only issues I had were some sentences structured to sound old-timey. I don't have examples off the top of my head, but it was distracting enough to break immersion occasionally.

Ah yeah, I apologize. I actually grew up on modernism, and I just had a penchant for archaic sentence construction. It certainly didn't mean to break flow, but it's just a part of my style. I know exactly what you mean though. I do a lot of syndeton, run-ons, and switching of nouns and adjectives. I'm sorry if that broke the flow for you!

And also, I would have to say that the point of the horror that I write is for the atmosphere. Unfortunately, skimming was probably not what I would have intended with the story, although of course this is not meant to be a 'omg you did it wrong' in any way.

All I mean is that in the genre of horror, you have two main types of story. One which sort of grips you through a fearful mystery and attempts to surprise, or the sort that is there just because you know exactly what you're getting into. For this story as well as Love.Sick, I was writing specifically the latter.

I didn't really bother to make it creative because the intent was for the reader to be immersed into the atmosphere and the characterization. In both stories I tell the reader exactly what's going to happen at the start because it's no longer of consequence. The idea was to just let people read along and enjoy it in other ways. So skimming would probably take some of that effect out of it, as the fic wasn't written to be an unfolding mystery; more like a series of things that happen that you are along for the ride.

Horror's definitely not for everyone, so either way, thanks very much for giving it a try and thanks very much for your feedback. That is always welcome, and I do entirely understand where you're coming from. ^_^

And yes, I tend to use Pinkie as a palette cleanser. I'm not entirely sure why, myself. I guess since this was meant to be a spiritual successor to the first story, I figured I'd keep some things consistent. You can bet if I do yet another one, Pinkie will be right there at the end as well.

If you'd be more interested in a more traditional story with a more interesting mystery, I would recommend checking out some others that I write. I certainly don't only write horror, so maybe you'll find something you prefer in other genres.

But of course, as always, thank you for the time for the comment, and thank you for reading. I appreciate it! :twistnerd::twistnerd::twistnerd::twistnerd:

Doggone it I was hoping it would be Fluttershy in the end...oh well.

Very well done, intense and scary and psychologically shocking. HOORAY FOR THIS STORY!

See previous comments about the word "thereupon."

And so in the end, Fluttershy was saved. And never can the past be undone.

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Hey there! Once again, reading your comments is always a delight ^_^

Thanks for coming back! And good spot on that 'thereupon' thing. I am extremely unsure how that managed to slip past, but I'm glad someone pointed it out.

My choices about how much to reveal of Shy's mind actually has to do with the fact that she was the 'tool' of the house, or was she just acting out of her own inner desires? Or was this, in her way, her own punishment, to be successful at the things she didn't want to be successful at? Either way, it's up to interpretation. I felt that giving too much insight into what she saw outside of a couple of phantom voices might make it too 'clear'. The questions that you asked were exactly what I intended the reader to ask. So feel free to choose an reason for yourself!

Although as I was writing it, I wrote it with the idea that she was clutching desperately at the need to not fail her friends, and the whispers solidified it from a suggestion into a truth. It was more of a slope for her rather than an on/off switch like it was for the others, but the more she slid, the more she started to believe in it. There is a point where it's intentionally unclear if she's moving based on her own motivations or suggestions anymore.

Well, it was a fun experiment! I don't do this in anything else I write, though. Very loose ends, I feel, should remain in a story where there's a lot of wiggle room to be flagrantly casual with the material.

And yes, Miss Pink is ever so tricky.

Thank you for reading and commenting! And well, if you ever want something a little less 'open ended', but about a mystery (since it seems you seem to like those mystery aspects!) then I would surely suggest you try out this thing I wrote. Of course, I'm not holding it to you, but I would love to see what you thought.

Cheers, my friend, and thank you for all the stuffs so far. :coolphoto:

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Haha, wow.

This is a great, great comment. Truly, I'm bowled over. Not many people realise that as much work goes into writing a story, a lot of work goes into crafting a truly heartfelt comment as well (for good or bad) and they are just as appreciated as reading the story itself, and I just wanted to let you know that! So first and foremost, thank you for that!

1. October is coming.

Now, that aside, I actually wrote this for halloween last year, haha. I'm entirely pleased to see that someone out there has the perspective of horror stories that match mine -- that is, it isn't really a sin to write a story in which they all perish horribly, as long as it's just a story. And it is one of that, befitting the month of October, and nothing more. I think horror gets a lot of flak, really! But it does have its place, and I tried to write this one with a bit more clarity and depth than the traditional 'everyone dies for no reason' tale.

2. Ever since watching Jurassic Park, Aliens, and Scream at a young age, I've seen a certain thrill in the concept of a small group of characters getting killed off one by one.

This is most certainly that and nothing else. The plot isn't going to be extremely complex or weighty, but that was the point of it going in. So I hope you like it regardless of that. There are certain themes that will crop up here and there during the story, however, but I'll let you read for yourself!

3. I want to see these ponies die.

Yikes. Hah! Well. One of the rules of writing, huh, if you wanna kill off a character for the joy of it happening, don't make them sympathetic. There's only one sympathetic character in the whole fic because of the tragic element, and it should be quite clear who it is (Hopefully). It's not Fluttershy, though.

Curiously, I wanted to talk about what you picked up on with Spike the most here. To tell you the truth, the reason why he's not there is only semi-due to forcing perspective on the mane 6 that you have interpreted from the text. The story was written to exclude them from the rest of the world on purpose because it sort of focuses the story on them. It is a selfish way to portray it, but the reason why I did that was not to pretend that the story was something it wasn't. It is, essentially, a story where they all die and the 'fun' of it is to get scared by it. Nothing more. There was no reason to mention Spike (or even anyone else, really!), and that had the additional benefit of making them, as you say, this little club of asses.

This does give me an idea, though. If I write another horror story this year, I just might include Spike...

Oh, you're giving me ideas, you terrible reader, you.

Oh dear.

Either way, thank you ever so much for your gracious comments, and here's hoping you enjoy the rest of the story as much as you enjoyed the first 2 chapters going in.

:twilightsmile:

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It varies. It's just whatever's appropriate, and one was a big old tribute to one of my favourite sub-genres of horror.

3236098 I got the notification this time. :twilightsmile:

3246548 D'oh! I meant my avatar as Swashbucklist! Sorry. Mare Do Well is not a robot. Man, I feel dumb.

TV history lesson. :pinkiecrazy: Although it would be every Toonami Faithful's dream come true, Toonami isn't a channel, but a time slot on Cartoon Network. During the Japanese animation boom, it was the main source of anime on television, and was hosted by a robot and an AI. It was cancelled in 2008, which isn't so unfortunate, since that drove fans to create an online version, NeoToonami, that looked every bit as attractive and professional as the real thing. Luckily, zealous viewer response to a Toonami-themed April Fool's prank in 2012 prompted CN to resurrect it (which meant the aforementioned fans could drop the NeoToonami project).

Anyway, here's an example of how Toonami would introduce a new show, edited from Tom's awesome reaction to Hamtaro. You'll wanna watch this. :ajsmug:

There, I have officially finished this during the month of October.

Furrypony, Borg, and somepony else have observed layers and subtleties that I never would've picked up on by myself without sitting down to really think about the details. I feel like a dumb-dumb head now. Especially after my comments on chapters five and six. :pinkiesick: Man, was I skimming the surface or what.

Anyway, final chapters. That one-sided conversation in the climax was pretty fun to read. There's a passage in The First Week of Winter describing Rainbow Dash's final moments, and although I wouldn't say this sequence was quite so amazing, it had the same emotional quality. Surreal is the most adequate adjective I can think of to cover the concept of two ponies who are both clearly insane being the only characters left to carry the story through to its conclusion.

And as long as I'm just talking about cheap thrills, I love scenes in which the pervading atmosphere is smooth or unassuming, but turns out to be a subtle buildup to something that launches things into action, or just a buildup to a loud bang like it was here. Nicely done. That birthday cake was such sick, cruel irony that it's no wonder Pinkie lost her marbles all over again (well, lost her marbles the normal way, without help from any supernatural nasties).

This probably would've ended similarly had Pinkie not gotten the upper hoof on Flutters. A great deal of literary value would have been lost, but she would've had much the same reaction as Pinkie, having been responsible for her friends' deaths, even if she hadn't been set up to suffer the mother of all withdrawal symptoms.

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Hi there! Finally done, huh? ^_^ Well then.

Honestly, I don't tie anything I write to any one interpretation. I obviously have a direction and a vision when I write any one thing, but I usually try to leave things super open for people to have their own interpretation of the events. For example, while I wrote with the idea that the big bad was talking to Fluttershy through her friend's voices to corrupt her, it could just as easily have been their ghosts as well. I intentionally made it a bit loose as to what the evil thing was really doing, and I actually really enjoy reading what people get out of it. Yours certainly was a unique interpretation.

Honestly, the ending fell a bit flat IMHO, especially after the Applejack chapter, in which I really pulled out the stops to have that one extremely intense scene. The final confrontation was definitely not as edgy in regards to just the tone of it all, but it worked to resolve the original issue, and tie it back with the caek.

If I had to end the story with Flutters instead of Pinkie, I'd have probably ended it by having her be a resident of the house forever, ending up as an old caretaker, luring others into the house for her to continue to save, because it would have been a continuation of her fixation and the irony of her failure/success theme.

Anyway! Thanks again for the commentary. I really love it. =D I can't say that enough. If you like interpretations, there was one that really hit on one of the main themes that I was going for. You can read it here. And as mentioned, it's really up to the individual, but I can say this guy really got what I had in my mind when I was writing it.

:scootangel:

Well... That was chilling. I can't even think of anything to say... Just the frigid terror that had crept down my spine. I suppose this means that this story achieved its ultimate goal and fulfilled its purpose.
I do think this is a good story. I just don't know the words to describe how good. Maybe... Terriful? Wonderfying? I don't know.
However, I am now distinctly aware of just how cold it is in this room.

3290036 I don't really feel as though the final confrontation should have been edgy or intense. Everything was almost over once you'd dispensed with the only character who ever had a ghost of a chance of escaping, and the only ones left were doomed. It was just winding down at that point. "This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but a whimper." Annnnd a quick little bang wedged in there for good measure. :twilightsmile:

Think of the end of all existence, where everything is endless black emptiness, and the only two lives left are a pair of gods who have long ago lost their minds and are both figuring out what they're about to do with the other. That's the feeling it gave me. A sense of calm finality.

So, whatsisface:

She decides to prank Pinkie in a very epic manner and sets all five of her friends to play different parts in the prank.

Hm. Like so many bronies, he doesn't acknowledge how hypocritical the mane six are by celebrating friendship while withholding it from Spike, who - as I typically remind people - doesn't have any other friends. This just now got me wondering if the house's evil presence is the corrupt soul of an ancient dragon who was murdered by pre-Equestria ponies. That would actually be a neat parallel to one of your newer ideas, wouldn't it?

I did, of course, appreciate his examination of the story's events, namely the concept that "death is the only way out of this place." Death usually is the only escape from a bloody horror story, at least for the bulk of the cast. Even after Pinkie walked out, she was still probably a prisoner of the mist's deadly influence. (I'm convinced the evil presence was in the mist, not the house...it feels more organic.)

For the same reason (the nature of fatalistic horror stories), it was just plain silly to think that Applejack nearly rescued Fluttershy from the mist. In a tale of death and horror, the only way you can break free from the control of pure evil is if you're Indiana Jones. And even then, you need a young sidekick to stick you with a torch. :pinkiehappy:

3294333
Well... the story really isn't... about Spike, you know ^^;
He's not a character in the story because he's not a character. Why is he being... included in an analysis? As you will, of course. But I'm saying, you could probably make the same points about any of the other 30 characters who weren't a part of the story as well, and I'm not sure that's a good reason to dislike a guy's assessment because he didn't include a factor that isn't really meant to be in it.

I mean no disrespect, of course!

You really really like Spike, huh. :moustache:

But no. Spike was never really a consideration. I left him out because, simply, the story wasn't about him. I know I also suffer from the same thing in which people do leave out Spike as a character, so hate me for that if you must! But it's just how the story was designed. But hey, Spike'll be front and center in my next one, so there's always that.

Also, the 'evil', which as you pointed out is realised by the mist itself (or the house), is ambiguous by design as well. Fill in the blanks yourself. It could be the house, it could be the mist which lives in that house, it could be a combination of both, it could be Spike's angry dragon soul. It's really up to you. The way I wrote it though, was that the mist was the catalyst. After Pinkie walked out, my designed implication was that she was released once she left the fetter of the mist (the house) and then realised what she had done to the full extent, so she turned into the everfree to kill herself in guilt. I didn't outrightly say that though, because it could be anything else!

As for Applejack saving Wosserface, I can say that the idea was that she nearly did, but as you said, fatalistic stories don't lend themselves to it. If FS didn't kill AJ, then FS would have to have been killed shortly after due to an infusion of irony. So either way!

Even Indiana Jones cannot escape evil.

He was in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, after all.

3294389 I can't help but disagree with that frame of mind. It's not that I really, really like Spike (why do people assume that just because I like him as much as the ponies? it would be just as weird if Rarity or Fluttershy weren't invited), it's that he's not one of those other thirty characters. The mane six were the only ones who attended his birthday party, so why wouldn't he be at every one of theirs as well? (The writers have yet to explain "Sweet and Elite", among other episodes.) He's part of the group, and is as much a priority guest as Rainbow, Pinkie, and the rest. What's he left with when all six of them take off to have fun without him? I like to think the ponies are better than that, and that he actually has friends since the show is about friendship an' all. It would be ridiculous to hate you or anyone else for failing to see him as part of the gang, but I do dislike seeing the results of that bias. This story is obviously an exception. :ajsmug:

On Pinkie Pie's demise, you described precisely what I meant. Even after the mist had released her, she could never go back to the way she was. In the wake of all that horror, death, and loss the evil presence had caused, there was no going back. The poor filly was traumatized and emotionally crippled, and was therefore just as condemned as if the mist had instructed her to kill herself.

Wow! What a well written and positively chilling story! I think my favorite part would have to be Rarity's, that was a really good way to get rid of her.... :raritywink: so, in all... :yay::yay::yay:

Well. I'm not entirely sure if I like this or not. I've never been a fan of "everyone dies" scenarios, but it interested me enough to read through to the end.

Actual writing aside, since it's been two years and everyone is improved by two years' worth of practice, this was pretty well done. It was an odd mix of dread, compulsion, and curiosity that kept me going, and although I would've preferred a happier ending, this was probably the best sort of ending to have.

It's given me some things to consider if and when I write horror. I've got a somewhat similar idea bouncing around, and I may actually put it to paper now. (Especially since I now realize that Halloween is a little over a month away.)

Welp, somehow I was able to stop the gruesome visions of shattered glass long enough to get to bed last night, but I finished the rest up today in a dead heat. Very well done, Mr. Risu.

6689852
Thank you muchly

Man, this is an old one. I was surprised to see a comment string on it!
I've come a long way since the days of fics like these...

Thank you for reading!

And all the theories I had have been thrown out the window.

2886613
i loved this story so much!you need to write more horror stories!:heart:

7212387

Hmmph :l it seems someone had themselves a bit of some non-insanity-riddled pie.

Careful you might step on your own shattered confidence.

I would retort but I'm afraid that I'm frothing at the mouth with insanity.

:trollestia: ~best regards from, Almighty.

It's odd, but I kind of can't shake the feeling that everypony deserved their fate in this story...

I found this story years ago, but only started my own account recently. I know you might not even be reading comments on this anymore, but I wanted to share my thoughts anyways. I love, love, love, love, LOVE this story! I've come back to read it multiple times and it's always enjoyable and creepy. Sometimes I wonder if something like this could really happen in equestria, perhaps to ancestors of the mane six. Maybe the first elements of harmony. But that's just hypothetical. Anyways, this story is perfect in my opinion, and I plan on checking out more of your work at some point. Hoof bump! /)

10539477
I SEE ALL.

And thank you very much. It's nice to know that such old things are still appreciated! This was a very experimental piece for me, attempting to cram many different genres of horror into one piece. Happy that you liked it!

If you're a fan of horror I'd definitely point you towards the other horror stories I've written, specifically 'babytails' and the 'diary' series, 'Entry #649' and 'Dear Diary'. But I write a bunch of other stuff too!

Thanks again so much for the comment. They're always appreciated and always welcome.

10539523
Oh wow! I feel so happy that you replied! Yes, it's one of my favorites, I'd draw fanart of it if I was a better artist. XD
I've read baby tails before. I like that one too, and I'll check out the diary entry ones. I also plan to read Love. Sick when I have the time. :-)

Good golly....this was terrifying.

What happened to Applejack is gonna show up in my nightmares, isn't it?

Well then, it seems everypony was killed by their own role in this fracas. Very poetic.

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