Chapter One: Burden
Last Night:
Chapter One: Burden
-=-=-=-
Whatever happened, Vinyl?
-=-=-=-
Almost immediately I was overcome with a feeling of defeat as a bright blue light flashed across my vision, throwing me away from the train with such force I swear it could have ripped me in half. It felt as if my head had been ripped open and sewn back up before finally getting lacerated, the screams of twisting metal and burning tinder erupting around me as my limp and feeble body was flung through the air. A high pitched buzzing attacked my senses as I was washed in the blast, my hearing muffling and my coat singeing as I eventually hit the floor.
I closed my eyes as my horn slammed against the solid concrete paving, chipping and causing me to scream in agony - blood gushing from my forehead and across the floor. In a frenzy I attempted to get up and flailed wildly, the shrapnel sticking out of me and tearing my skin slightly. I fell into one of the rotting station benches, breaking the spoiled wood and bruising me ever so slightly. I heard a loud scream and an explosion as my head hit the floor, blood covering my vision as I closed my eyes out of reflex from the blast.
My head was spinning like a merry go round when I opened my eyes again, and yet I couldn't hear any sound. A bright almost sunlight looking colour was obscuring my vision as I tried to get up, failing as I hit my jaw on the paving and yelled in pain. Looking down at my leg through blurry eyes I could only just make out blood stains, and by Celestia they were big.
I felt the icy grip of magic pull me from my spot and drag me across the harsh cracked stone, I was far too weak to resist the pull and allowed myself to be taken to wherever I was supposed to be going. The bumps in the stones gradually woke my body up and vision returned to me, I also began to feel things once again - such as the really cold rain falling onto me and the heat from the train wreck.
Wait, what train wreck?
My mind began to spin from the realization of what I'd just found, I was being pulled away from a graphic display of public transport gone to hell and back. Flames flickered and danced around the twisted steel construct as the station crumbled around it, having planted a hole straight through the building and ripping the tracks apart. Pieces of metal were strewn across the floor and each jagged piece held a different story, some painted in blood, others bathed in flame.
Placing my hooves on a small segment of what was once a wall I stabilized myself enough to stand alone, my skinny legs shaking and threatening to buckle as I began to pick my way through the debris, hoofing it aside as I limped towards the platforms exit. My back left leg gave way and sent me sprawling across the slippery cracked tiles, the rain water mixing with oil and blood to create a truly ghastly scene. I let out a smaller and more pathetic cry as I began to charge my practically weak and frail horn, sewing the skin of the wound back together, but doing nothing of the wound itself.
A faint hiss alerted me to the fact that I was in danger, and I tried to get up but decided against it when my leg buckled underneath me. The hiss turned to a mighty roar as my eyes grew brighter, reflecting the sight before me - one of the trains Lightate Engines was bursting at the seams and sending trickles of lightning oil down the tiles towards me. I immediately scrambled to my unsteady hooves as a second explosion rocked the station and blew shrapnel across all horizons, lacerating my side as I tumbled down the steps and out of the stations main section.
My face ground against the rough concrete underneath me, once again the Downzone had a way of sticking it to me. The water had thankfully made my fall easier but also worse, as my blood began to float in front of my field of vision a feeling of fear truly set into my heart. Wiping my feeble hooves through the bloody muck beneath me, I placed one forehoof above the other and pushed myself upwards - deciding to get lost before shit went down, the guard were sure to kill me on sight right now.
"Twisted!"
That voice struck a tone inside my head and bounced around my thoughts, enticing things I shan't dare list and reminding me of things I had long put behind me. Almost at once I could feel his grip taking control, tearing into my little bubble of insanity and rending me asunder, his shadow prescience weighing down on me as the world began to blur. My eyes were no longer my own, the features that once belonged to me darkening as a blood curling snarl was unleashed, spinning around despite the injuries I could no longer feel, faint blood dripping from his coat.
"You fucking bitch, you show up now of all the times in the damn world? Pathetic, I was at deaths door, a little release and you decide to come knocking?" He sneered and spat in front of the mare secluded in the shadows, but her hiding was futile, we both knew who she was. "You are truly stupid, I can imagine why your parents don't love you! Heh." Seeming satisfied with his bullying tactic, the hold on my mind was released and I collapsed to the ground before Vinyls hooves, faint streaks of blood seeping from my mouth and bubbling by my neck.
"Twisted! Oh my goodness, no no no no, please don't die... please, please just... don't..."
I could barely see through my blood covered and blurry eyes but I could see enough, enough to notice the soft torch red eyes; the beautiful flowing blue and sapphire mane forever laid in tatters; a ragged white coat with the same blotch of grey... I smirked to myself with a light chuckle, that came out as a bloody gurgle. My eyes shed a tear as I looked at her, a stupid thought coming into my head as she lifted me up in her magical grasp, eyes crossed in pain for a moment.
"She never liked it when I called her 'Blotch'..."
A small amount of blood poured from my horn and slowly trickled down my arched neck, pouring off of my mane into the dirty water logged and rubbish filled streets below. Vinyl uttered a cry as she tripped forwards on a chipped stair, our path now taking us upwards to... somewhere. She dropped me from the shock of the sudden trip, loosing her grip on the magic and letting my frail body hit the stairs, bouncing down them like a rag-doll with a small cry from Vinyl. My head bashed against the steel railings which turned at a ninety degree angle, odd, I thought to myself. I hadn't noticed these on our way up and I certainly don't remember being here...
I could feel my mind going into frenzy as both my own conscience and that of his began to fight for control, obviously having sensed my moment of weakness as an opportunity for something grander than just the occasional jest and taunt at my confidence, a causal path of destruction. Two forces prepared for a calamity and my mind burned like the fires of tartarus, I would have screamed if my body was strong enough - but I could not muster the strength to let out a hollow cry, the blood dripping from my body draining me of life by the second.
Through a red tinted viewpoint I could see that we were approaching Spire 7 with a dire haste, and ponies in Vinyl's path cleared from her way as soon as she approached - but none offered to help, no that was not how things worked down here. Water logged papers and piles of decomposing waste sloshed around in the flooded streets of the District, which one we were in I couldn't tell, and why did we even need roads? Nopony down here could afford a carriage.
I found myself in the Spire's courtyard a few moments after I last had my eyes open, water gushed down the brittle cracked steps and seeped into the cracked paving stones. The harsh rains slowly corroding the buildings of the Downzone, the chemicals being pumped down from the Upper Society and those being made by our own half made for horrific weather conditions. Galloping past wilted shrubs and rotting furniture we made our way into the lobby and out of the harsh rain, although the feeling of urgency was not lost on Vinyl as my blood made a slight pitter patter on the cracked wooden floorboards.
The stallion by the elevator didn't say a word as Vinyl trotted up to him with haste, my limp body simply floating besides her - from the corner of my eye I could see him cast his cap down over his light grey mane, waving Vinyl through with a surprisingly clean hoof. She didn't pay him any notice and decided instead to run into the elevator, flinging me onto the rusted floor and pressing a button rapidly - it was out of my view however.
All of a sudden I could feel a great force assault my inner thoughts with a surprising amount of determination, my eyesight fading into a dirty maroon as my own conscience fought back with renewed vigour. Time seemed to stop as two mighty forces collided inside the recesses of my pitiful mind. Fire and ice spurring into one another as a frozen flame sat as the prize, one fought with valour, the other with cunning and hate.
Every other sense was blurred into one feeling of background noise and concentrated within my horn, it felt as if something inside the fibres of my being was tearing itself open as the dull thud in my head became a roar of power, a challenge and trial. I found the stamina to scream in pain as my mind erupted into a full on battlefield of will, two sides colliding with equal might for a futile prize. One goosestepping it's way across the hills of insanity, the other marching in orderly fashion over the plains of l'agulla.
Wait, what the fuck was l'agulla?
The hold on my mind was snapped as everything grew a subtle shade of black, each opposing side having been shoved aside as a new clarity surfaced. 'l'agulla'? I thought to myself for a few moments, I had heard that somewhere before.. something about the term set off alarm bells in my mind - but I paid them no heed as something else gripped my attention, where in the name of Celestia was I?
Almost immediately I received my answer as my frail body was placed down gently in a pleasantly dry and rather comfortable bed with the hushed assurances of safety and healing, and in my current state I didn't do more than grunt and slide underneath the covers that had been placed over me by a pony I assumed was Vinyl, if not her who else? As the cold embrace of sleep grappled with me I wondered who else might actually have need of me at this point, I know he had many reasons and Vinyl is always after me... I wish she would leave me alone.
Drifting my slightly clearer eyes over the part of the room my fatigued body could see without moving, I squinted to see out of a large window besides the door nearly opposite me, and through it I saw something both terrifying and wonderful at the same time. through the window I could see all of the Downzone, the imperial wall stretching out from around the Spire Cortex and an arrangement of Spires set out among the hovels and favelas of the city, water gushing out across the streets - and a massive blaze on the other end of the city, something about it felt familiar, almost engaging...
"Are you trying to set a record for really stupid acts of a lunatic? You're getting there old friend, I worry for you each day that passes, you never did take my lessons into consideration did you?"
I knew who it was before he even spoke his second line, that faint voice belonged to one buck and one buck alone. Turning my eyes to the right in a gentle manner, I could see him out of the corner of my eye sitting calmly besides the bed. I grunted and rolled to face the wall, letting out a small yelp as my horn smacked against the steel plating of the Spire. He chuckled slowly and pat me on the back, sighing and leaning back in his chain - he always did this.
"Not feeling talkative today Twisted? Or did you blow your vocal chords out this time?"
He let out another low chuckle and waited, but still I gave him no response. After an immeasurable amount of time which could have been minutes I turned to face him again, his caramel cheeks and smooth features warm and inviting, letting out a sigh I flicked my eyes away from the matte buck, his brown coat flicking in my vision slightly as I turned my focus back to him.
"I didn't... blow my vocal chords out, you old... f-fuck."
He gave me a mock gasp and put a hoof over his mouth, raising his eyebrows and leaning back in his seat in a fake disgust. Pausing the act and leaning down close to my face he smiled, patting my cheek sadly. "Now that's no way to greet an old friend!" He said, flicking my ears before continuing. "No 'how have you been' or 'hey pal'? Come on now Twisted, I thought you were a nice guy."
"I am a nice guy." I mumbled, casting my glance downwards away from the old buck.
"I jest, I jest. I have an understanding that you were involved in a rather bad train accident no? I hope they catch whoever caused it, all those lives lost... and you're the only survivor. Funny how life rewards those who want a bitter pill to swallow huh Twisted?"
"Funny, yeah I guess you... could phrase it like that." Putting my hoof up to my horn, I could feel a wrapping of bandages tied loosely around my forehead, slightly confused I pointed to them and spoke up. "Uh, I don't remember getting given these earlier. Did you put these on me while I wasn't looking Sunny?"
He gave me a serious look and pointed to my chest with a sudden air of importance, "You were staring out of that window for a day and a half, Twisted. Can't you remember? It's happening faster than I expected..." Mumbling something under his breath he looked back up at me and sighed, pulling on a murky white coat, and a worn beige fedora as if they had appeared from thin air. "I need to go now Twisted, there is a lot of work to be done."
I stared at my friend slightly perplexed, "What work?" I asked, confused by the sudden change of pace. Attempting to use my magic to grab him I found myself held back by some invisible force, and nearly fainted from the whiplash of the spell. Leaning over and throwing up I nearly let Sunny out of my grasp. "Graves."
He stopped dead in his tracks, turning to me with a cold stare. "Before you say anything, yes I know she did it. She had a reason and it's about damn time you accept her, you animal. Go make some real friends, stop relying on me." Turning back and briskly walking down the hall and out of sight, his hoofsteps made no echo as he left the apartment.
Another set of lighter hoofsteps followed his but moments later, a small sweet whistling following them. Vinyl walked up besides me as I turned to face the wall, sighing from my reluctance. I could feel a cold aura brush up against me and over to the covers I was under, pulling them off the bed and then moving them off back down the hall. The whistling continued, quieter as she moved further away.
Left alone to my thoughts for a few moments, I considered what options I had and which I was willing to act upon. No doubt he had his own vile plans for how the next few days would unfold, but how was I going to handle all of this? It felt... odd to be around Vinyl, he hated her, she crippled him and made him burn and wither away. Me on the other hand... she just didn't feel right, like there was something to say or something I'm forgetting.
Putting the issue behind me for the time being I decided to try and do something, namely lift a glass of water over to myself. Focusing on the object and judging the mass of the water and glass combined I began to form an aura around it, already growing lightheaded. Taking my grasp on the smooth glass and releasing the first part of the spell, I attempted to lift it over to my lips just as the whiplash hit me.
The glass was flung from my magical grasp as my horn refused to work, my vision going blurry and making me feel sick from the exhaustion I was experiencing. The glass of water hit one of the steel walls and resulted in a loud bang, each piece of glass shattering and spreading across the floor in all directions. I pulled my head back up over the side of the bed, trying not to be sick again, and cussed my idiocy.
Just then I heard a thundering of hoofsteps down the hall and turned to face the door as Vinyl ran into the room, her mane tied back in a small bauble - perhaps to keep it out of her way while doing, some sort of housework I suspect. She mumbled something and made her way over to the mess of glass pieces, conjuring a brush and pan to sweep up the shattered glass. Turning to me as she worked, I could see a hint of fear in her eyes.
"S-sorry..." I managed to splutter out, moving my hoof over to point at the mess with great effort. "I tried to get myself some water, it didn't go so well." I looked down at the floor sheepishly as a large grimace crossed my face, corners of my mouth twisting into a vile expression as I felt a cold shudder go down my spine - it wasn't that I didn't like Vinyl... she just gave me an odd feeling, like I was forgetting something - like a rain cloud hovering over my head, dampening my mood.
She simply sighed and avoided eye contact for a few moments, there was an awkward silence as I managed the gusto to look up at her again, mane rough and trashy as always. When was the last time I'd seen her with a straightened and casually spiked mane? A very long space of time that's for sure because I certainly haven't seen her in any good shape over the past few years.
Her eyes met mine for a moment as she finished gathering the glass into her small bin, over in the corner and placed it seemed to avoid notice. Vinyl smiled bashfully for a moment as she trotted up to me silently, with a certain air about her she sat down on the end of the bed and looked at me with piercing eyes, as if in deep thought. Within the instant she had placed her icy cold grip on me, the blue aura wrapping me in a shroud and propping me upright besides her - my head reeled from the sudden movement, but otherwise I remained fine.
"What?" I hissed, "What do you want woman? I'd rather rest and be on my way, please." As I finished speaking Vinyl flinched and I realized I may have used a tad more Venom than I had originally intended, however as always the damage was already done. Fixing her eyes on my horn with a look of distaste and then down to my chipped and bloody hooves, Vinyl placed a somewhat comforting foreleg around my neck and gave me a sad smile.
"We need to talk about your magic use Twisted, have you forgotten everything we were taught in school? Come on knucklehead." She chuckled lightly, releasing her grasp as her smile grew a little wider. "I knew you were asleep half the time but this is poor, even for your standards dude."
I laughed like I'd swallow a bitter pill, choking through my ragged throat as my face eventually became lighter. "All I remember was Miss Cheerilee screaming about the whole, 'Magic is bad! You will die!' thing." I grew a hearty smile as I recalled an old memory, "Hey, remember the time those two Unicorns passed out in class from levitating pencils? Oh man, she never stopped talking about that one... man oh man..."
Suddenly a dark and omnipresent feeling gripped hold of my mind and sent a shock wave through my body, I curled over in pain and let out a hollow groan as it ripped my bones asunder with some force behind it. The feeling stopped as soon as it started and my mind suddenly felt blank as my interests from a minute ago faded into a dull lull of commotion. "Yeah, I get it Vin." I said, my voice dropping slightly as I shuddered from a spike of cold. "Don't overexert myself lest I want my soul to be ripped out of my body, yeah yeah... I know, next time I'll drink my own piss or something."
Vinyl's expression saddened somewhat as I finished my sentence almost as if she knew something was up, sighing lightly with an unusual grace she got back up and trotted away slowly. She looked back at me before shutting the door, mumbling a soft "Goodnight..." as she left. The door clicked shut as I turned to face the wall away from the door, the rusted steel plating suddenly held meaning. A solitary figure sat besides me with his hat down, watching over me eternally.
My hooves wrapped around my feeble and pathetic body, and for the first time in years, I cried myself a lullaby.
Dear reader: Just to make note of the few changes and the things that might be making your head spin, here's the low down.
> Last Night is undergoing a massive overhaul, tags have been changed; chapters; characters and heck the whole story line is completely flipped around. No single detail remains the same, and I'm constantly tweaking things here and there. (See an issue? Tell me, I'll fix it up right.)
> As you may already have seen, there is far more gore, mature language, gritty setting and depressive tones than before. This is for a large list of reasons, to simplify all I need say is 'critiques'. You guys were amazing, ripping the old LN apart and really highlighting the issues. I am extremely grateful for you help, and I hope by sticking true to the story and not the characters, that I've improved in your eyes.
> The romance was choppy, rushed and at best far too fast paced. Let's slow it down shall we? Things should make more sense from here on and hopefully those of you who came for romance will stay! It's not gone I promise, you should be able to see the subtle hints here and there. I need to develop it, I'm sorry guys - but this will take time, if you want to stop reading LN I completely understand.
> The concept of the Downzone and Upper Society clash was never really shown, here however I've tried to really highlight some key Lore points, and give much more detail of the world. We are now following the Downzone story line, we are not developing the world through Twisted, we are developing Twisted through the world.
> Also, you guys deserved better 
Peace~!
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1751778
Thanks man.
What I meant was, I'm ashamed that my life has such a large tie to drugs and crime.
I'm ashamed that I live in a place similar to what I'm describing.
But it makes it much easier to write about.
Eddie
Yea, I'm going to be watching this one like a hawk.
You've got a fan in me.
1751845
What made you suddenly become more addicted than I actually though possible in a few mere minutes?
Eddie
1751853
The non-cannon elements are what do it for me.
I've read a million Vinyl fics, But most of them are "eh".
This one, however, introduces a new section of living, an explanation for magic, Drugs, and a few other less-important things that just make it work.
Oh, and the wingboner mag and the cactus. That was pretty good too.
1751865
Oh well thanks, my editor asked me to scrap the whole 'Magic kills you' bit so I tossed in chapter fours explanation earlier.
As for the cacti and what not, I felt like giving a more lively feel to the scene. I want to do monotone but... Just makes writing too depressing, but
it seems to make jokes like that all the funnier.
Thanks for your support.
Eddie
1756303
I am glad you are!
I hope you enjoy the series as it progresses!
Eddie
Well, that's, erm...
1759086
Thank you.
Eddie
1759113
Put that in their for that reason exactly my friend.
Did you like what you saw overall?
Eddie
1759125
Yeah, it was hilarious. I like how some stories go from serious to funny.
Like that tap part.
1759128
Ah yes! The tap...
Next chapter only gets better
Eddie
...
Fuck yeah. This is... hm. I don't know how to say it in English...
Really... this story is really on the dark side of the fandom, with drugs, suicidal thoughts and gangs. I like dark stories.
You got me even more interested than after the prologue.
Have a moustache.
Kindly,
~Sinrar
1763654
Thank you kindly!
I have chapter two focused on plot
development and what not, but I'm sure it
will be enjoyable none the less.
Eddie
I quite enjoyed that, but I think Vinyl is hiding something, I don't think it was a lucky guess when she said where he lived.
Aww well, fuck it. This story is the most amazing thing since...something really amazing! Can't wait for more.
1769613
Thank you for your kind words!
I'm glad you enjoyed the first chapter, and
I hope you continue to enjoy the series as it
progresses. As for the second chapter... Well. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Vinyl_Scratch_lolface.png
Thorn
LOVE this second chapter.
This is a really good story so far! I really enjoy reading it! All the descriptions of sensations really gives me a feel of immersion while I read...
but then it ends! Whyyyyyyyy?
Anyhow, keep up the excellent work!
1781352
Second Chapter is up?
Shitshitshitshitshit... It shouldn't be up!
Come back at some point and read the grammar-ed version.
Thorn
1781469
Well, technically the FIRST chapter (which I hadn't read), but it's the second posted. That's what I meant.
1781473
Oh... Right.
Well, the Second Chapter will be out today! In perhaps
one to two hours? It will not be at end for long my friend!
Anyways, glad you liked it! Why did you like it anyways?
Thorn
1781483
Why did I like it?
Definitely the sense of immersion I'm getting.
The amount of detail lets me very clearly portray it in my mind, akin to watching a film, and that sort of story always catches my eye.
1781492
Ah, I seem to write what I enjoy then...
I see what you mean. I love those sorts of
stories also.
Thorn
More things:
)
"The mares body" > The mare's body
"Vinyls face" > Vinyl's face
"glasses, they" > glasses; they
"being soaked, it" > being soaked; it
"wetter than saddle arabian" > wetter than a Saddle Arabian
"I turned towards Vinyl, she was shivering profusely, and the nearby lights made her coat seem ghostly pale as she did so." > That sentence needs a redo. It took me a minute to figure out what you meant exactly.
"I wonder why." > Need to be either made a thought or change to "I wondered why." to match tense.
"me and Vinyl" > Vinyl and I
"passers by" > One word
"be honest, I" > be honest; I
"I mean, donnage anypony?" > Donnage? What is that? Are you trying to become the leader of a mafia or something?
"I’m a DJ, she’s a cellist" > I'm a DJ; she's a cellist
"hearing Vinyls plea" > hearing Vinyl's story (She isn't begging for anything.)
"on Vinyls shoulder" > on Vinyl's shoulder
"going of experience" > going off (of) experience [I would add the "of" because I think it helps the flow]
"Vinyl was a touch mare" > Vinyl was a touchy mare
"quite happy, I had" > quite happy; I had
"Soon enough, me and Vinyl" > Soon enough, Vinyl and I
"me and my fellows would never go." my fellows and I would never go
"could ‘grow’, was their" > No comma needed
"world together, it gives" > world together; it gives
"I for one, saw" > I, for one, saw
"white existence, I was" > white existence; I was
"Myself and Vinyl" > Vinyl and I
"Maximon was was the most" > remove a "was"
"I try one, I attempted" > I try one. I attempted
“New business, especially for such a high product. Always made him smile” > New business, especially for such a high product, always made him smile.
"I took the packets, and gave the stallion a quick thank you. Which he returned in earnest, hoping to do business with me again at some point." > I took the packets and said a quick thanks, which he returned in earnest hoping to do business with me again at some point.
"many run down buildings" > One word or hyphenate
"looked at each others" > looked at each other's
"My gemstone however, has a deep red. symbolising anger and regret" > My gemstone, however, was a deep red which symbolised anger and regret. (Breaking out my American-British translator again.)
"first. taking the whole" > first, swallowing the whole
"was near impossible, it tasted" > was near impossible; it tasted
"doing that, It made" > doing that, it made
"doing this, that I didn’t" > Remove "that"
"was cut of by her lips" > was cut off by her lips
"she wished, I was" > she wished; I was
"tried o bed" > tried to bed
"Vinyl soon broke the contact, Thankfully. As I was short of breath, and in need of some sort of air." > Thankfully, Vinyl soon broke contact. I was short of breath and need some air outside of her hot, steamy breath. (Sorry, I added a bit there.
"effects, it was" > effects; it was
"more calm and focused" > calmer and more focused
"dawn was fast approaching. Meaning that the guard would be out searching for the likes of us." > dawn was fast approaching, which meant the guard would soon be out searching for the likes of us.
"for awhile, I" > for a while, and I
"around me. Effectively" > around me effectively
"difficult thing, it" > difficult thing; it
"unknowing of it," > unfamiliar with it.
"have. Probably due" > have. It was probably due
"my lock, I" > my lock. I
Let me try to grasp this and also explain what I grasped through a Dolan comic.
"Helo, i am suicid"
"
WitWait no for a second""Oh man Vinyl. aWesome"
""K lets do sum drogs"
"Woa vynil's mekking out wit a cactuc"
That's what I got so far... A suicidal stallion gets saved by Vinyl -His coincidental wet-dream babe- and immediately they fall in love enough to do drugs for no reason. I suppose the drug thing is only a "shock" because you never mentioned it earlier in the story to the point where, if it came about, (which it did) we would only shake our heads rather than go, "Whoa. Uhh..." I think if you went back and added in a bit where it goes into detail on how the city really was, it would be a better aspect, rather than unnecessary shock value. Not that it was that shocking; just unexpected.
On top of that, I think (and this is just my preference, not something that breaks the story) if you added in like... 3 or so chapters with trust and relationship value adding up, if would be a shite load more realistic than "Hey we just met; we'll bang, okay?"
(Super sorry for any spelling/grammar errors, I'm in a rush to read this and I still have another chappie to go!)
Definitely a different story from the others I have read.
1976088
A wild content update appeared!
2725355
Just so you know.. this new chapter has slight romance
Oh Celestia, this new chapter is fabulous! There's more description of life in the Downzone, a background between Vinyl and Twisted, and many darker elements!
2895957
Why thank you! I've worked so hard on this remake, and it's a sorrow that not many of my fans have come to see it. Oh well, no matter.
Anything else you enjoyed about this chapter?
2896158
Hah, of course! I love how horrific the train crash and Twisted Moral's savior came about, as well as his inner fighting! Plus, the descriptions of how ponies themselves are faring is fantastic, since most all are known to be scuffed and grimy!
2896185
Oh goody
I was worried about the train wreck, but I'm glad it came across better. And it's good that you feel more immersion, that has always been my goal for this.
2896271
I am curious, however, as to what caused the wreck!
2896433
Vinyl in her panic to save Twisted, shunted the train way from him as she pulled him back - the blast however threw her down the stairs, leaving Twisted to be hurled around.
2896513
Whoa, that's totally epic!
2897136
Cheers
Cheers!
2900760
Do you have Skype?
You should add me.
2930510
Why thank you, glad you like it
I always strive towards perfecting the emotion behind a character and I suppose in some ways I did it well here, Last Night is just about the setting, y'know? But at the same time the setting affects the characters! A lot of stories have the plotline of 'The characters shape the story' whereas Last Night has the idea of 'The story shapes the characters.'
Also, thanks again. I'ma feel king now? Fuck yeah.
2930540
Why thank you, I wouldn't go so far as to call LN unique but... yeah, thanks mate.
Also, what did you think of... Sunny?
2930564
Heheh, cheers dude!
And... do you know anything about Sunny?
2930608
*Laughs evilly*
You are wrong.. in the best way
2964242
Yes well Last Night always was a step out from the common rabble of fiction as it had its own path set in mind, it didn't take from anything and it certainly didn't give anything away. It was in its own way meant to be unique, and this prologue really does show it off.
Also... yes.... Ruby was a funny addition.
Any thoughts on the wording or the way the chapter was set out?
So...
are you planning on finishing this anytime soon? Perhaps even continuing it at all?
2978452
I'm redoing the first five chapters, so progress slowed a lot. Basically I'll have another one out soon, and the two chapters you just read have been out for a week now - so yes, I will.
Hiya, Vocal. I'm reviewing your story on behalf of the Good Grammar Directory, a comprehensive directory of grammatically correct stories on FIMFiction.
Unfortunately, it doesn't quite meet our standards as is. Fortunately, it's quite possible to fix some of the grammar issues and have your story added to the Directory, as well as make it more readable.
I think I know what you're getting at here, but the syntax is incredibly confusing. Maybe try revising it for clarity?
This is, remarkably, not the worst run-on sentence I've ever seen, but it's not good. You have around two ideas here:
-Twisted Morals is pacing around his flat while it rains
-He's tripping balls because he's drunk
I'd try to disentangle them.
That's just one word: wallpaper.
Again, one word.
Since I assume you're not referring to the technical specifications of rain, this should probably be specks: a tiny amount; a bit.
3039830
Oh thank you, I'll go ahead and fix those up as soon as I have the time - cheers for pointing all that out though, man. I'm terrible at this stuff I swear!
Anyways, I'll be sure to fix it as soon as, thank you.
We only read the first 500, so keep in mind that you might have to be careful in the future for grammar mistakes.
3040870
Calling it excellence makes it sound like an act, dude.
You'd be much less snobbish to simply say that; "Keeping your grammar in check shouldn't be a chore, it's just second nature."
So congratulations on souring my opinion on an entire group of individuals.
3040882
I wasn't being serious. Sorry if you took it that way. I swear I try not to act like a douche while proofreading.
If it helps, I can proofread the entire story for you. I hate to give people a bad impression of the GGD.