Words That We Couldn't Say

by fic Write Off

Pinkless

Light washes over my eyelids, and I open them. The tail end of something bright is streaking past me. It draws my attention behind myself. I am on an incline, faced upward. The stone is cold beneath me. The pink streak of light swirls above a large pool of water in the center of a dolomite cave, then zips into the center of it and disappears.

Where am I?

For that matter, who am I? It's a strange thing, to open your eyes and not know anything. What was happening before I fell asleep? Assuming I was asleep, that is.

I remember bouncing. What an odd thing to be doing. I remember walking, or trying to walk, because I was too dizzy to bounce, and falling over, and things going black. I may have been calling somepony's name, or calling for help. Nopony heard me. Was there anypony around?

Yes. I remember pink haunches, lots of them, all bouncing. Now I remember being down in that cave, near the water, with the other pink ponies. I remember eating something, glowing, hard. It tasted like a frog.

And before that...

Emerging from the water, head-first, being pulled up by a hoof and staring into a pink face.

I'm Pinkie Pie. Oh my gosh. Except I'm not Pinkie Pie, I tell myself as I rise unsteadily to my hooves. Pinkie Pie made me, made all of us. She caused us to come into being with that pool, the one that has two more swirls of pink light over it.

I try to remember what it is we were doing just before I blacked out. We were going somewhere. Somewhere that one of the Pinkies said had fu--

Oh, my head!

I sink to my knees. The pain is unbearable. It's like somepony is banging a gong over and over and I'm the gong. After a moment, it calms down. I blink away tears and stand again, testing my legs to make sure they'll hold my weight. I'm fine. I think. I take a step forward as three more streaks of light pass me. What are these things? There's no way of knowing.

The little lights keep me company, though they head for the pool of water as I drag myself out of the cave. It's a twisting, turning tunnel that leads me out and gradually up. The walls are lined with veins of sapphire that I can just make out as the lights zip past. I think it's sapphire, anyway; the color might be affected by the light.

I realize that I don't know where I'm going. I'm leaving the cave only because it seems to be what I was doing previously. I don't know what I'll find outside the cave. Maybe I should stay here. But I'm intrigued by the source of these lights; they just keep coming.

The surface is thankfully not bright, as I hoist myself through the final upward turn of the exit tunnel and survey my surroundings. I am in a forest, which seems right: dark and forbidding, full of brambles and vines and tangled limbs. Yet the path before me is wide and open, save for the occasional trunk leaning too far into it. Another little pink sprite dances past me and into the mouth of the cave.

I am not Pinkie Pie. The thought comes, unbidden, as I emerge fully onto the soft soil of the forest floor. What a peculiarity, to define oneself by lack of being. I cannot say what I truly am, then, save a copy of the original. If I look at myself, I am what she is: pink. I have the same hooves, the same tail, the same mane. Though, on second look, I see that my tail drags behind me. And my mane, which I have not noticed before, hangs over the side of my face, straight and flat.

I notice something else. I have no cutie mark. Now that is really strange. So now I have neither identity nor purpose. Part of me wonders why I'm even putting one hoof in front of the other right now. Four more of the little pink lights fly past. Where are they coming from? That's reason enough, I suppose.

And besides, what's the use in being upset over this? I'm alive, I'm healthy. I'm alone, but nothing says that won't change eventually. I can figure out who I am later. The Pinkie Pie way is to face adversity head on and not worry about what may happen. So I'll do that. I straighten my shoulders, raise my head, and smi--

Agh! My head is on fire again. All thoughts of smiling dissolve and I'm brought to my knees once more. I hope this isn't going to be a regular thing.

Recovering this time is easier, if only slightly, and once more I'm on my way to find the source of the little lights. One floats past me, then no more. Have they stopped? Why must they be so mysterious? I watch and watch, yet see none come after. Without the tiny beacons to guide me, I find my route wavering. It's not like there's any path once I'm out of the trees anyway.

I wander through rolling hills with granite boulders, and then another stand of trees. These are lighter, kinder looking somehow. There seems no better place to go right now, and it's at least an improvement over where I've come from.

But not three steps into the small forest -- I can see light through the other side of the trees -- and I hear voices. Without stopping to ask why, I dive for cover and watch them through a low bush.

Three ponies. One is a large, red stallion. Goodness, he looks the brute. Then there's a unicorn mare. Something about her purple coloring strikes a memory within me, and her name appears in my mind: Twinkle Sprinkle. I think. The third one... is Pinkie Pie.

Or perhaps I should say a Pinkie Pie. I assume the others are still around. Although as I watch her gaily bound ahead, beside, and around her two companions, some innate sixth sense tells me that no, she is the real deal. This is the pony that I am but a vague copy of. A copy who cannot even use her copied sense of optimism in order to march forth with head held high.

I am but a ludicrous knock-off of this pink pony before me.

As she bounds past, part of me is tempted to call out. But what would I say? I may be her, or be like her, but I don't really know her. Nor do I feel I want to know her companions, whoever they are. Not yet. Not when I'm still so...

New.

I wait until the three have gone from my sight, until I can no longer hear Pinkie's cheerful voice, and then make a break in the direction they'd come from. It doesn't take me long to reach the edge of this stand of trees, this forested border between wilderness and...

There's a small cottage in front of me. This must be the edge of a town. I seem to recall something about this town. Ponyland, I think it was called. It's where the fu--

Nnnng.

It's where we were supposed to go, with Pinkie. I'm not certain I want to be here now, but where else have I to go? Especially when the only way I can find my way is by going where others have left. I'm a negation, a nothing, if the only way I have to define myself is by what I am not, where I am not going.

I hope no one's home.

I creep around the cottage, startling a group of birds of all different colors. A pair of grey squirrels watches me cautiously, not running, but not approaching either. I don't blame them. I keep a low profile as I glide past the outskirts of the cottage, onto a stone path. It's limestone, and in great disrepair. There are gouges where rain has eaten away at the once-square flagstones. Large cracks are filled with weeds and small flowers. I even spot a few fossils, tiny ribbed snail shells from who knows when, that seem to wink at me as I pass. It's hard to tear my eyes away.

The town is ahead. Do I really want to go there? Can I face a town full of ponies, some of whom might think they know me, when I don't even know myself?

A crow caws nearby. Startled, I make for the treeline again. The sun is beginning to set. Perhaps I should just stay out here for now. Maybe if I get some rest, those awful headaches will go away.

---

"Pinkie Pie, what are you doing out here?"

I awake with a jolt to a sea of pink and yellow. My instinct is to back away as quickly as I can, yet for some reason when I see the eyes of this pony hovering before me, that instinct fades and I don't act on it. I think I know this pony.

"Oh, uh, nothing, Flutter--" What was her name? "--Stutter."

"Oh my." She puts a hoof to her mouth. "Your mane is all flat. Are you feeling all right?"

Should I tell her? I try to laugh it off, but the moment I open my mouth, my laughter is cut short by a cry of pain. My head! What is wrong with me? I collapse to the ground, and she's suddenly all around me, tutting and fretting.

"You're not well at all! Come inside with me, I insist!"

"N-no," I mumble. "I'll be all right. Don't worry."

She turns, and begins to glare at me. It's a withering stare.

"No arguments, Pinkie Pie. You march straight inside and let me fix you up with some nice soup and a warm blanket and..." Her stare deteriorates. "Oh goodness, it would probably help if I knew what was wrong with you first."

I can't deny that that sounds good right now. Aside from being hard, the forest floor was cold, and I realize I'm stiff as well as in pain from the sudden migraine. Unsure if nodding will hurt, I simply shuffle forward, silently taking her up on her offer.

The inside of her tree cottage is cozy and homely. She quickly sets me up with the aforementioned blanket and soup, as well as a hot water bottle on my head. Then she flits about the room, which is kind of cluttered what with all the bird houses and overturned flowerpots strewn about, searching through books placed anywhere and everywhere.

I sip the soup as I watch. It's really just broth with some barley at the bottom, nothing fancy, but it warms me from the inside, as well as outside. The bowl feels very comfortable in my hooves.

"Will you tell me what's wrong with you now, Pinkie?" she asks. Somehow, I can't help but respond affirmatively.

"I've been getting migraines."

"For how long?"

"Umm... Since yesterday, I guess." Not that I've existed prior to that.

"Oh dear! Does anything in particular trigger them?"

I try and remember. One happened when I smiled, so I do that, briefly. Ow. And twice it happened when I thought about f--

Augh!

"Pinkie!"

I'm not even going to try laughing.

"Laughing, smiling, and thinking about f-- The f word."

"F word?"

Can I spell it? "F-U-N."

"Pinkie, that's awful!" She whooshes over to me, all bitten hooves and nervous tail. "You love smiling and laughing, and having fun! Why would those things cause you pain?"

I notice that when she says it, it doesn't hurt. Is it only when I think of the word? I'm not going to try and figure it out. "I have no idea."

"Oh my, oh dear! Oh, this is serious!" She flutters into my face, and part of me wants to let her know that her incessant fretting isn't helping. "I'll have to get Twilight to help, oh I'm sure of it!" She hovers over to the door, pauses, and then zooms back to me.

"Now Pinkie, you stay right here and just rest, okay? Don't worry, I'll get Twilight, she'll figure out what to do, and then we'll have you feeling all better in no time! Oh, um, and try not to smile. Or laugh. Or think about... Well, you know."

She flaps slowly backwards, until she bumps into the front door. She squeaks, grins, and then leaves.

There is no way I'm waiting here for this crazy mare to return.

I take a long gulp of soup, then doff the water bottle and blanket and rise from the sofa. It's time to make a break for it.

But I didn't count on the bunny. He's suddenly taking up my entire field of vision, and I stumble backwards, flumping back onto the couch. His tiny glare radiates palpable hatred. My first reaction is fear, just like when his owner was staring at me.

I'm not about to cower before a rabbit.

"Listen, fluffy," I tell him, "I don't want to be here any more than I bet you want me here. So why don't you just wiggle your little cotton tail on off somewhere else, and I'll be on my merry way and out of your whiskers, huh?"

He shakes his head and crosses his tiny arms over his chest. I change tactics.

"Please?" It doesn't sound very genuine, even to my ears. He only huffs.

"How about if I give you a carrot or something? I've got this nice soup!" I almost smile, but restrain myself. He's not giving in, and I'm getting mad.

"Listen, kid, I don't want to hurt you, but don't think I'm afraid to use force!"

That gives him pause. I am, after all, ten times his size. I use the pause to make a dash for the door. I've almost reached it when he appears in front of me again, limbs splayed out for an attack.

So I strike first. A wave of my hoof, and he's flattened against the far wall and my path is clear. I feel a pang of guilt; I hope he's not hurt. But he pushed my hoof. I didn't have a choice.

And now I'm galloping at full speed into town. With no idea of what I'm going to do when I get there. There was that idea I had to discover where the pink lights had come from, but what is there to suggest they came from here? What says they didn't? Once again, I'm stuck in life without a plan or a purpose. Except now I've also hurt somepony. Bunny.

Maybe I'm not a good pony.

"Hey, what's the rush?"

The voice comes from above. I skid to a halt and look up to see, um, Raindrop Dazzle floating above me.

"There a party or something that's on fire, Pinkie?"

"I'm not Pinkie," I say without thinking.

She gives me the darnedest look. "Uh... Wha? C'mon, Pinkie, I think we had enough of you not being you yesterday, it's not funny."

"I know."

I try to leave the area, but she doesn't get the hint. Now there's rainbows right in my face.

"So what's up, Pinks? Your mane's all flat like that time when..." She clears her throat. "If you're not feeling like yourself, then I can totally cheer you up, how about that?"

"Not now, please." I edge back, but she stays on top of me.

"How about I show you this awesome trick I just learned? Or we could go back to Sugarcube Corner and bake stuff!" She slams one hoof into the other. "I got it! I'll get the girls together, and we'll throw you a party, just like last time! We'll call it a, uh... A 'Congratulations on Being the Real Pinkie Pie' party!"

"No!" I lash out and push her back, scrabbling for traction as I make a getaway. Surprisingly, she doesn't catch up to me. I know she can. I chance a look back and see her standing there, rubbing her chest, watching me with a puzzled and hurt look. A few more steps, another look back, and she's gone.

I slow down, glancing up but seeing no pursuing pegasus. I knew I shouldn't have come here. Not that I have anywhere to go, but it's caused me nothing but problems so far. Maybe I should reevaluate my desire not to be alone; it would certainly be quieter.

But by not paying attention to where I'm going, I've wandered into the downtown. It's not much of a downtown, being in a small rural village and all. Something about one of the buildings is familiar, though. Memories of it flood my mind. They're Pinkie's memories, of frosting, sugar and cake.

It's not like I have anywhere to be. My hooves won't stop moving to the door, and then I'm in, with a little chime.

And then I hear her.

"Welcome to Sugarcube Corner, where everything's sweet, complete and... Whoa!"

She sees me and leaps out of her apron. I take a step back, but it doesn't help; she's immediately in my personal space.

"I guess sleeping all night on the floor down here really wasn't a great idea after all! I mean, I'm seeing double! Or maybe I'm hallucinating! Maybe I had too much coffee this morning trying to wake up, and it made me get all jittery and loopy and now the walls are melting and things are getting double-double and, hey, I think that reminds me of something, didn't something just happen recently with doubling doubles?"

It doesn't surprise me that she's unhinged. I mean, she isn't giggling madly or anything, but it's clear the implications of this situation are far beyond her ability to comprehend at the moment. It would probably be easy for me to run off again and leave her here, bewildered and questioning her own sanity.

But as I turn around and break for the door, it opens, almost smacking me in the nose.

"Pinkie, we--"

"Oh my goodness!"

It's Flutterbutter and Tricky Spackle.

"All right," says the unicorn, marching forward with her horn lowered so that I'm forced to back up ahead of her, "somepony had better tell me right now what's going on!"

"Twilight, looky, looky! I heard the doorbell dingle and I came out to see if we had a customer, but it wasn't a customer I don't think, although she hasn't ordered yet so I don't really know, but the point is, it's a brand new baby twin sister for me!"

I am so floored by Pinkie's pronouncement that I plop right down onto my haunches, staring at Twibright and her still vicious horn.

"Pinkie, what? What are you talking about?" She jabs a hoof at me. "This is obviously just another one of your clones, that we must have missed yesterday."

"Ohhhhh!" Pinkie bounds over and looks closely at me. "You could be right, Twilight, you know that? I mean, you're often right about things when things are getting weird, except for when you're wrong, and then usually I'm right, and I'd really like to be right about having tons of new sister and not another dumb, stinky clone!"

"Well?" The unicorn's eyes bore into me. "What are you, huh? Why don't you tell me who the real Pinkie is?"

I hesitate, then I sigh. "She is," I say, and punctuate it by grabbing Pinkie around the neck and pulling her into view.

I can tell by how the unicorn is looking at me that she doesn't believe me.

"You mean you're not going to try and convince me that you're Pinkie?"

I shake my head. "I've spent all day wondering just who I am. But I'm not Pinkie Pie. Or her sister. I'm just a clone, like you said."

The horn lifts. "Well, I still remember the spell to send you back to the Mirror Pool. It won't be a minute--"

"Twilight, no, you can't!"

Pinkie springs out of my grasp and into Twinkie's personal space.

"Pinkie, we have to! She'll just start shouting 'fun' over and over again, clone herself a bunch more times and then start wrecking Ponyville!"

"Um, Twilight..."

I can barely hear the pegasus in the back.

"No she won't! Just look at her, Twilight!"

Pinkie grabs my head, pulling it forward. That kind of hurts, but I don't have a chance to complain.

"She hasn't said 'fun' once! We had a conversation! And her mane's all flatty-watty, none of my clones looked like that!"

"She's right, Twilight," Flutternutter adds. "She actually told me that if she smiles, or laughs, or thinks about fun, she gets terrible migraines. That's why I came to get you."

Twilight -- I think I have her name down, now -- steps closer to me, peering at me like I'm some kind of prize cheese.

"You can't smile?"

I shake my head.

"You don't want to make life difficult for my friends and the rest of Ponyville?"

"Not if you don't want to make life difficult for me." I'm not liking this unicorn.

She frowns and looks at Pinkie, then Flutterstuff. "Pinkie, go find Rainbow Dash and Applejack. Fluttershy, you get Rarity. Meet us at the library. We're going to get to the bottom of this."

---

Twilight all but pushes me back to her library, and I sit in silence while she gathers books and reads them two at a time, occasionally giving me suspicious glances. Her little dragon helper glances at me now and then as well, but he seems more curious. I shut my eyes so I don't have to deal with either of them.

Is this what I'm going to have to deal with? Being a curiosity when I'm not under scrutiny simply for existing? Or am I even going to have to put up with it, since this unicorn says she can send me back? Do I want that?

"Hey," I say, opening my eyes. Twilight's look says I'm interrupting her in the midst of something important. I don't care.

"You said you sent the other clones back to the pool. What exactly does that mean?"

She frowns, and considers. "Well... It was a spell, to undo the creations of the Mirror Pool. We held a contest that only the real Pinkie could win, and any time a clone revealed herself, I hit her with the spell." Her expression goes limp for a moment, and she swallows. "They sort of... expanded, and then popped. They turned into light, and I guess they--"

"Went back into the pool." Those lights! I've found the source! If I'd only known... But there was no way I could have.

So she wants to turn me into light. I'll fly through the air and into the pool and... stop existing? I'm not sure I remember anything from before climbing out of it. I mean, I do, but I'm pretty certain those memories are all Pinkie's. I can remember having sisters, for instance; meeting my friends for the first time, even if I can't remember their names well; working on a rock farm, with lovely shales and gneisses, feldspars and gypsum spars that would push up out of the ground like inverted carrots, and wonderful geodes, with jeweled interiors of--

"All right Pinkie, we're here. Now what's the big... Oh, ponyfeathers."

I look to the door. Appledapple and the blue one just came in with Pinkie. Behind them are Buttershy and Clarity. I guess this is it for me, then. Maybe if I become light and rejoin the pool, I won't have to worry about trying to define myself, or never being happy ever.

"Oh dear! Fluttershy had told me Pinkie had a problem, but I didn't expect it would be this again! Twilight, whatever has happened?"

"That's what I'm trying to figure out, Rarity." Twilight holds up a pair of books. "This is the tome that taught me the spell to send the clones back to the pool. And this one is about magical creations, living ones specifically. I'm trying to figure out how or why a pony created through magic, who should theoretically be exactly the same as all the others, isn't."

"I don't know why everypony's getting so huffy and grumpy about this!" Pinkie crosses her hooves over her chest and plops down next to me. "I'm all excited to get a new sister, and you just want to send her back!"

Rainbow thingy rolls her eyes. "Pinkie, it's like you completely forgot what happened! We don't want to have to go through that a second time."

"Rainbow's right," says Applebapple. "I've got half a mind to rope this dogie and drag 'er back to the pool cave myself!"

"Just give me a little time to figure this out, girls." Twilight goes back to her books. "I wanted you all here so you wouldn't be fooled by this last clone. Once I'm sure there won't be any more clones showing up, we'll send this one back and be done with it, once and for all. It's possible we just missed one, after all."

"Why don't we ask her?" The suggestion comes from Charity, and immediately I feel a certain amount of warmth toward her. She's the first pony who's shown me actual consideration, not counting Cluttershy's soup. She thought I was Pinkie, after all.

"That's a good idea," Flustershy says, nodding.

"I... hadn't thought about that," Twilight says, scratching her head. "Would you be willing to tell us what happened to you?"

"Do I have a choice? It's obvious you're just thinking of me as a problem and not a pony." I can't keep the bitterness out of my voice. I do not like this Twilight Sparkle.

"Well, you sort of are. A problem, that is. We can't have even one extra Pinkie running amok in town, so if there are any more of you left over, I need to know about it."

I sigh. There's not much to tell, but I tell them. Pinkie seems to hang on my every word, asking spirited questions for clarification, and often going off on tangents, adding her own fantasies into the mix. Am I really supposed to be a copy of this pony? I leave out the part about kicking the rabbit; I add in the part about not really liking Twilight.

"After all, you're the one who killed the other clones, and you want to do the same to me, and so here I am."

Twilight frowns and stares at the floor. "I didn't kill them. I unmade them. They weren't supposed to exist in the first place, and neither are you."

"You don't know that. They were alive, just as I'm alive right now."

She snorts and glares at me. "Anyway, it sounds like we just missed you. All I have to do is use the spell once more and you'll be out of our manes forever."

"But Twilight, it doesn't seem right." The yellow pegasus seems to have startled herself by speaking up. "Um, I mean, she's not very much like the other clones."

"Yeah!" cries Pinkie. "She hasn't run amok once since she got to Ponyville!"

"Only on account of y'all keepin' an eye on her, I reckon." The cowpony rolls her neck and stares at me. She's scary; I shrink back from her.

"I cannot help but side with Fluttershy," says Gl-- No, no, her name's, uh... Rarity, yes. I should at least try to learn the names of the ponies who don't want to kill me. "It seems rather beastly to tell a pony to her face that you don't wish for her company and are planning to 'unmake' her, as you put it."

"But she's not a pony, Rarity, she's just a..." Twilight waves her hoof as if searching for a word. "Well, I don't know what she is, exactly, but she's just a copy, and she's got no business being here."

"And I can't help but side with AJ and Twilight!" Rainbow zips over and gets in my face. "Like I said, I don't wanna go through all that headache again!"

The six ponies start bickering. Over me. These are mares who I know, from Pinkie's memories, are the best of friends, but already my presence is causing a rift between them. I don't want this.

"Stop."

I try to shout over them, but their words drown me out. I look to the little dragon for help, but he just shrugs and shakes his head sadly.

"Stop!"

I stand, draw myself up straight, and rear back. Both of my hooves stomp against the floor hard enough to rattle a nearby coffee table.

"Stop it!"

Everypony immediately gets quiet and stares at me. Part of me wants to flinch back, but I stand firm.

"Don't I get a say in any of this?"

"Uhh..."

I'm not sure who said that. "Look, I told you what happened to me. I'm not interested in running amok or bouncing around like an idiot. I definitely don't want to make life difficult for you all, but it looks like I already am." Something's making my vision blurry. "Look, if it would be easier on you all, I'll go back to the pool. I didn't ask to be created, and if living means having to put up with this much pain, if it means causing good friends to start arguing with each other, then I don't want any part of it!"

The gaze of the ponies who were against me drop to the floor, and those who were arguing in my favor can't look at me. Pinkie clings to my front left.

"Oh please, don't go! I know you're a good clone! If you go, then I'll never know what life would have been like if I'd stopped after the first time! You don't even have a name that I can remember you by!"

Rainbow grimaces. "You've been alive for like a day, and we're already making you feel like you don't want to be? That's awful!"

"Twilight..." Rarity gives her friend a meaningful glare. "I think that perhaps we should consider treating this clone as a real pony, hmm? At least until we figure out just how different she is from the others?"

Applejack takes her hat off and worries the brim with her hooves. "Rarity has a point, Twi. I mean, it's kinda not real friendly-like to be sittin' here and discussin' her fate right to her face and all."

"I think it's settled, Twilight," says Fluttershy quietly.

Pinkie suddenly springs up, and almost chucks me in the chin with her head. "Ooh, you totally need a name since you're staying! How about, uh... Flatty Pie? Because your mane's flat, right? Ooh, or Pinkie Junior? Pinkie Two? What about Saddy Pie, since you've been all mopey-dopey since I met you? I know, I should throw you a 'Happy Being Created Out of a Magical Pool of Water' party, which is kind of like a birthday party, except you're already full-grown! That's a great idea!"

She hops off out the door, shouting, "I'll get the decorations ready! Don't be late, Saddy Pie!"

That is the worst name ever.

Twilight balks. "But... What is she going to do? Where will she stay?"

"She can stay with me," Fluttershy and Rarity say at the same time, without hesitation. They both smile at one another, and then Fluttershy prompts her friend to proceed.

"My sister's room is empty currently," Rarity continues, "and I have a spare guest room besides. You'll be more than welcome... Saddy." Her nose wrinkles at saying the name, and I don't blame her.

"I'll think up a better name," I say. "And thank you." First I'm being fought for, and now I'm fought over? Maybe I was wrong about these ponies.

Well, except for one. Twilight stalks over, gives me a thorough dressing-down with her eyes, and then turns to Rarity. "All right. Admittedly, her problems with smiling and the rest are intriguing, and you're right that she hasn't run amok. Yet. I've also noticed," she continues, looking me over again, "that she's missing her cutie mark, which presents interesting possibilities on its own. So she may be worth studying. But I'm warning you, Rarity, for your own sake as well as everypony else's, do not let her out of your sight."

Rarity snorts. "Very well, Twilight, if you insist."

"Twilight," I say softly, "if it makes you feel any better, I promise you that I won't run amok while I'm here. And I double-promise that I don't care about having fu--"

Dammit, I said it again! The pain drives me to my knees, and suddenly there are three ponies helping me back, Twilight among them. The look on her face suggests that she hadn't believed there was anything wrong with me until this point.

"I... I'll look into this. I still feel like we should send you back, but there's obviously something different about you. You present an intriguing scientific challenge, and the least I can do is solve it. What happens after that, we'll discuss when the time comes."

I nod to her, wincing. "That's awfully big of you."

"Come along, dear," Rarity says, taking my hoof. "Sunshine will do you wonders, I'm sure. Fluttershy, would you be a dear and bring some medical supplies to the Boutique? She may need some headache remedies."

"Oh, that's a good idea, Rarity." Fluttershy gets in my face, but I'm less opposed to it at the moment. I just want out of here. "Now, Saddy Pie, please promise me you'll try not to do anything that will make your problems worse, okay?"

"I don't even have to promise," I grunt. "That's just common sense." I sigh. Looks like I'm destined for a miserable life, long or short.

As Rarity leads me out of the library, I take a look at the other two, who've been rather quiet this whole time. Rainbow is putting on a show of glaring at me, but she's also hanging back. Applejack looks away as our eyes meet. I don't bother looking back at Twilight.

"I may not be a real pony," I mutter to myself, "but neither are you, Twilight Sparkle."

---

"You do realize," Rarity says to me, as we make our way up the plushly carpeted staircase in her home-slash-business, "that though I do think you deserve to be treated with respect so long as you treat us in the same regard, I am taking a bit of a risk, bringing you into my home like this. I still say Twilight is being overly hard on you, but the reality is, if you are indeed different from the other clones, then you may as well be a complete stranger."

She turns to me, pausing at the top of the stairs, and gives me a very serious look. I nod.

"We aren't exactly strangers though, you know." She gives me a puzzled look and I step forward. "I remember all the time you and Pinkie have spent together. Well, kind of. Not all of it, I suppose. And it's more like remembering a dream, because none of it really happened to me."

She nods and places a hoof gently on my shoulder. It takes all my strength not to smile.

"Thank you," I say. "For trusting me. I hope I don't make you regret it." I mumble the last part, suddenly unable to meet her gaze.

She smiles. "Think nothing of it, dear. Giving is in my nature. Now, here we are! I'll just set you up in the guest room, in case. If you'd like to freshen up, the bathroom is here. I do imagine Pinkie will be very insistent that you attend that party she's cooked up for you. No doubt you should; I'm certain it would do wonders to relax you after the day you've had!"

Her generosity has me staggered. "I think I'll take a bath," I squeak, and duck through the door as she calls out the locations of various towels, shampoos, and sundries. I rest against the back of the door and feel tears on my cheeks. If I'm sad when I'm happy, it only makes sense that when I'm happy, I'm sad.

---

Parties are not my thing. I know it's strange, considering who I am, or who I'm supposed to be. I can remember Pinkie throwing parties, expending tons of energy throughout an afternoon to set them up, and even more in the evening while attending them, only to collapse in a heap once everypony had left, and breathe a single, long breath of satisfied relief. Those times are the happiest she's ever been, knowing that she could make so many others happy. Maybe I should try and be happy for her, not that I can show it.

I suppose the saving grace is that she's only invited her close friends and me. I don't think I could handle being the center of attention for a whole town, because I know Pinkie has the pull to pack Sugarcube Corner with ponies for these shindigs. That said, I spend most of the time talking with Rarity or Fluttershy, as Rainbow Dash is still glaring at me, Appleflank... I mean Applejack is avoiding me, and Pinkie's too busy bouncing between her friends, who seem fairly cool towards each other, to bother with me for more than a minute at a time.

Then there is Twilight Sparkle. She came to the party with a stack of books in her saddlebags and has been furtively reading them while sipping punch in a corner. Every now and then, she glances up at me, then back to her book once she sees that I've seen her. I've been keeping an eye on her as well.

So it's with a great deal of surprise that I find her walking towards me, looking purposeful. I glance around, trying to find an escape, but she's on me before I can move.

"I have a few theories," she begins, not even bothering to address me, "that I'll need to test out on you." With a glance at her friends, she adds, "With your permission, of course."

"What kinds of theories?"

"Specifically," she says, setting down her drink, "I want to get to the bottom of your missing cutie mark, no pun intended. Of all the clones, you're the only one who doesn't have one."

Suddenly, Pinkie pops up between us. "Oooh! Twilight, Twilight, are you gonna cure Saddy Pie's headaches so she doesn't have to be sad anymore?"

Twilight averts her eyes from Pinkie as I recoil. "Yes, Pinkie, I'll try looking into that as well. Actually, it may be the easier puzzle to solve." She clears her throat and looks at me. "Do you remember what kind of mushroom it was that you ate?"

"Uhhh..." I don't really, not specifically anyway. Mushrooms are definitely not my specialty. "It was glowing?"

"Hmm." Twilight frowns and begins pacing in a small circle. "Maybe if I went to that cave, I could figure it out. Would you be willing to accompany me and show me precisely what it was you ate? The signs suggest that it's what caused you to black out in the first place; maybe there was some lasting poison that's still in your system and causing the headaches. Though I'm not sure why they would be triggered with such specific thoughts or actions."

"I'll go," I say, without stopping to consider the implications.

"But..." Pinkie looks between Twilight and myself, her lower lip jutting out. "Twilight, if you and Saddy Pie go to the cave with the Mirror Pool, you're just gonna send her back, I know it!"

Dramatic tears come out of her eyes, and the party has ground to a halt as everypony else looks at Twilight. She swallows.

"Pinkie, I absolutely promise that I will return to Ponyville with this clone intact." She actually goes through the motions of the Pinkie Promise, and Pinkie seems to calm down. "I can't test my theories if she goes away after all, can I?"

"So when do we go?" I ask.

"Tomorrow. You should probably make sure you get some rest tonight."

Pinkie zips over to the record player and puts the record back on.

"In that case, let's party down so you'll have a reason to sleep! Yeehah!"

I do try to party down, even going so far as dancing a little with Pinkie, but the night comes to an early close as the others give up and get out. I leave with Rarity, since we're going to the same place and all, and Pinkie loads us up with leftovers.

In the upper floor of Carousel Boutique, after a good-night from Rarity, lying on stylish sheets that are far softer than the forest floor I slept on last night -- was it only a night ago? -- I can't help but think that my life has turned around rather suddenly. I'm warm, I'm safe. I might even have friends. But I still don't have a purpose. And something tells me that all these wonderful things I've suddenly fallen into are not going to last for much longer.

I grasp the pillow with all four hooves, curl up, and try to sleep.

---

"Do you remember the way back to the cave?"

I nod. "Isn't anyone else coming?"

Twilight sighs, shouldering her saddlebag. "I couldn't convince Rainbow Dash to come. AJ and Rarity are too busy. I specifically avoided Pinkie all morning just because she was watching me last night, and Fluttershy said something about Angel being sick, so she couldn't come either. It's just you and me."

"I don't like the sound of that."

"You don't have to. Come on."

She takes off, and I have to keep pace with her, since I'm in the lead. I know she's been there, since I saw her go the other day, but I guess it wasn't important enough for her to remember the details. For me, it's like knowing where home is, after all.

We travel in silence, her just in my peripheral line of sight, back through the light forest and the rolling plains. I'm the first to break the silence. It's just getting unbearable.

"So, uh, who's Angel?"

"Angel? He's a rabbit. One of Fluttershy's pets, though I think she treats him more like a friend, really."

"A... A rabbit?" The sensation of something soft, warm and fuzzy impacting my rear hoof resurfaces in my memory.

"Yes, a little white one." She chuckles. "He's kind of a stubborn pain in the flank sometimes, but he's really very protective of Fluttershy. They work well together."

"And you say he's sick..."

"I think Fluttershy actually said 'hurt'. I may have misremembered." She turns an eye toward me. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason," I quickly lie. "I hope he's all right."

"He's pretty tough. I wouldn't worry about it."

That conversation brings us to the edge of the darker forest. It must be part of the Everfree, I now realize. That's something I hadn't thought of before.

"The path is pretty straightforward," I explain, "or at least I remember it being so."

Twilight's horn lights up, but only barely penetrates the gloom for the amount of mist that soaks the dark, twisted branches.

"We sealed the entrance with a large boulder, after you left I suppose. Once we find that, I'll be able to lift it out. Lead on."

The path is not as straightforward as I thought. It's as though it's shielded from outside view, but once one is on it, getting out is easy. I suppose that's better than the opposite. Still, it takes us quite a while to find the boulder, and what a marvelous boulder it is.

"Granite," I say, as Twilight works up her magic and starts shifting it out of the ground.

She pauses and looks at me. "What?"

"The boulder," I say, and shrug. "It's a porphyritic granite. You can tell because the quartz phenocrysts are larger than the stone groundmass."

Her jaw drops open and I find myself having to look away. She comes closer to me, inspecting me like she expects to find something wrong with me.

"What? Get out of my face!"

Frowning, she goes back to dislodging the granite boulder, and after a solid minute or so of effort, does so.

"After you," she says. I sigh and hop into the hole.

The entrance tunnel is strangely welcoming, though cold. Without those lights, it seems empty, despite Twilight's presence. Maybe it's because, even though I didn't know it at the time, they were my sisters. I've tried not to think about it that way, but it's true. They were living, breathing ponies, returned to magic and light and the waters they came from by an unthinking hoof. I glance behind myself to make sure she's still there and not charging up some kind of spell to do away with me. Pinkie may have believed her promise, but she wasn't the one whose existence was currently in jeopardy.

I have to do something.

"This looks like the place!" Twilight says cheerfully as we step into the cavern proper. I stand at the lip, and she stops next to me, peering around.

"Wow!" It comes out as barely more than a whisper. "It's beautiful!"

I can't help feeling some small amount of pride at that, but I keep the smile at bay. "It's the tourmaline," I explain. "I can see it from here; there's a vein extending up to the surface, that must pipe in sunlight. It's what gives the cave its blue-green color, too."

She smiles at me. "You really know an awful lot about rocks, don't you?"

I shrug. "Doesn't everypony?"

She has no response, but instead trots into the cave. "Do you see any mushrooms like the one you ate?"

I have to follow her down the incline, the same one I woke up on two days ago, to go looking for mushrooms. I'm distracted by the striations in the stalagmites as she hunts along the ground, finally poking me in the side and holding a fungus aloft in my face.

"Is this it?"

"Yes." I take a closer look. "I'm pretty sure. Are there more than one species growing here?"

She shakes her head. "I don't think so. These all look pretty much the same, which means I can take this home and analyze it." She puts the mushroom in her saddlebags, then turns toward the water, gazing into it.

"I've read so much about the Mirror Pool lately..." She shakes her head. "None of the books are really able to explain it, though. What it is; where it came from; how it works." She turns to me. "How the things duplicated by it can even exist."

I turn away from her. In the shadows behind a rise, I can see a fallen dolomite stalactite, no doubt loosed by one of my former sisters' antics, lying a short distance away.

"I can't tell you that," I say.

She sighs. I glance back and see her eyes searching the ground. I steel myself.

"You're thinking about going back on your promise."

"I am." She's turned back to the pool. I pick up the stalactite, shaped just right for being carried in the mouth.

"Part of me just wants to send you back and get all of this over with, for good. I know I said I wouldn't be able to test any of my theories, but... Part of me doesn't really care. And I know you haven't exactly had the best time since you woke up. I want to say, it would be far easier on you if you just went back in."

As I close the distance between us, I can see her reflection in the pool. Her eyes are closed, her teeth clenched. Her voice mirrors the regret in her expression.

"I didn't like doing what I did to those clones. I put it out of my mind by telling myself it was the only way, that there was no other way to stop the damage being done to Ponyville. But that very first clone..." She shudders. "Watching her expand and pop like that was horrifying. And I had to do another twenty times."

"Let me save you from a twenty-first horror, then."

"What?"

I don't let her turn all the way toward me before I swing. The stalactite slams against her temple, knocking her into the pool. I stay myself from swinging again and drop the stone; it was getting heavy anyway. I drag her out of the pool, both so she doesn't drown and also so she isn't duplicated. Not that I really know how that works.

Now what? It occurs to me that I didn't think this through. Twilight is out cold, at least. I'm pretty sure I can see her chest rise and fall. There's a trickle of blood on the side of her head, and a little bit in the pool. I cringe.

Is this all that I am? Some kind of... monster who hurts others when they get in her way? Maybe I should have taken Twilight up on her offer. Maybe I don't deserve to live.

I close my eyes and sit down on the cold stone floor. Images of the other ponies I met not so long ago flash through my head: the suspicious Rainbow Dash; the diffident Applejack; Fluttershy, with her kind warmth and care; the generous Rarity; and Pinkie Pie.

Dear Pinkie, my twin in more ways than one. Pinkie, who welcomed me at first sight, without prejudice, into her heart, her friendship, her family. Pinkie, who tried to cheer me up even though I cannot be cheered, simply because she didn't need a reason to care about me.

Pinkie, of whom I am but a faint, fading shadow.

"What am I doing?"

"What have you done?"

The shrill cry cuts through my mumblings, echoing across the cave. I spin around to see Pinkie, her eyes overflowing with tears, one hoof in the air, frozen on the incline.

"T-tell me that a stone just fell and hit Twilight on the head. That's what happened, right?" She laughs shakily. "Tell me that's what happened, Saddy Pie. Tell me Twilight's all right. I'll believe you, I promise."

I can't think, I can't move, I can't speak. Then all at once, I whirl about and charge for the pool. It only takes me a few short gallops to make it there, and I leap for the center.

"I solemnly swear not to be scared!"

A splash, and then the round undulations of water over my ears. I feel a cold warmth flowing through me. There, at the surface, I can see Pinkie reaching out, shouting something, but I cannot hear her. As I sink further, the waters close in and I cannot see any more.

I drift down, down, the pressure of the water squeezing my chest, but I feel neither pain nor panic. For the first time since I woke up on the cold dolomite of my birthplace, I close my eyes and feel at peace.

Don't give up...

What is this?

Open your eyes...

Who are you?

You must live...

I can't speak, I can't hear, what is going on?

I open my eyes, and in the empty gloom of water that seems to have no sides or bottom, I see shapes forming at the edges of my vision. As they draw near, both they and the voices become more distinct.

Live for us...

We only wish to live...

You are the One Who Lived...

The forms solidify as pink ponies with poofy mane. I can't see any cutie marks, nor can I see smiles, but these are all definitely Pinkie.

We are the children of the pool.

I've come home to you, my sisters.

No. You must return to the surface.

We tried to live but were cast out.

You must live.

But I have nothing to live for. They cast me out, too.

You must live for us.

But why? Why me? I can't smile, I can't laugh. What's the point of being Pinkie Pie if I can't bring joy to myself, let alone other ponies?

You are not Pinkie Pie.

The Pinkie nearest me suddenly shudders. The pink coloring lifts, becomes light, and swirls around me, leaving behind a blank gray form, vaguely pony-shaped, but without any distinguishing features.

None of us are.

Another Pinkie turns gray.

You must be your own pony.

And another.

You must live for us, so that we may live in you.

And another.

The swirling lights begin to pass into and through me. I can feel them, as if they are physical. They tickle. As Pinkies slowly vanish around me, their lights penetrate my being, suffusing me with warmth. I can taste their memories, of the time they spent in the light, of the fun they had.

Fun!

I anticipate the pain, but it does not come. Instead I am aware of a buzzing sensation in my head. The warmth has reached my brain, and it is healing me of my ailments.

Despite being underwater, I feel my cheek become wet.

Live for us, and be you.

The last lights wink out inside me. The gray forms fade. I am filled with the urge to live, to kick and claw and fight my way past any obstacle that dares separate me from that which I desire.

I kick upward, pushing myself toward the surface, my lungs burning. Though I sank deeply, it isn't long before I can see the surface, the shimmering silver inversion of the cave floating above me. A soft pink circle guides me to the side of the pool, and a hoof reaches out, grasping my own and then pulling me into the cool air.

I truly breathe for the first time and collapse on the stone floor, panting and gasping.

"You're okay!" I feel warm hooves around me, and do not resist their embrace as they pull me from the water.

"Pinkie?"

"Oh Saddy Pie, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you into the water like that!" Pinkie's smiling, but her eyes are full of tears. "I just saw Twilight on the ground and I kind of panicked and--"

"I'm sorry, Pinkie."

"No."

Twilight's voice cracks and she moans in pain. "I'm sorry."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. "You? But I attacked you!"

Twilight nods, then cringes as it causes her pain. "I understand why, though. I made you feel like your life was in danger and you had no other choice. I would never break a Pinkie Promise. I'm sorry I made you feel threatened, and I hope you can forgive me for the way I treated you."

Pinkie helps Twilight to her feet, and I slouch over to them, sodden and beginning to feel a chill. I wrap my arms around Twilight and hug her tightly.

"I can forgive you if you can forgive me for getting you completely wrong."

Twilight laughs, then hisses. "I don't blame you. I haven't exactly treated you well, Saddy."

I shake my head. "That's not my name."

Pinkie makes a showy sniff. "You don't like the name I gave you?"

I smile. "Thank you, Pinkie." It doesn't hurt. "It doesn't fit me anymore, though. What do you both think of... Spelly Pie?"

Pinkie and Twilight exchange glances.

"Spelly?"

"Like speleology, the study of caves?" Twilight asks at length.

"That's right!" I laugh. It doesn't hurt. "Not to mention I was created by magic, so... A spell, right?"

"Oh my gosh!" Pinkie bounces so high I'm afraid she'll knock another stalactite loose. "Spelly, you're smiling and laughing! And you're not getting migraines! This is the best thing ever!"

"It really is!" I laugh again for good measure. "In the pool, I met... I think they were the things that were summoned when you used it, Pinkie. They took your form, but they're part of the pool, just like I am. Or was." I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "Because I'm my own pony now."

"You've even got a cutie mark." Twilight points to my flank. There's a perfect scale image of the granite porphyry boulder that was blocking this cave. Oh my gosh!

Pinkie bounces over and hugs me, and Twilight, holding a hoof to her head, smiles.

"So how does it feel being your own pony finally?"

I hug Pinkie and blink away tears.

"It's fun!"