The year 1944, the invasion of Normandy by American forces. Micheal Greene, a 17 year old from northern California, enlisted in the army. becoming a Lieutenant in the 2nd Ranger Battalion. After a freak combat accident, Micheal, or Dead-eye,due to his amazing marksmanship, is belived KIA. He wakes up inside Canterlot Palace, alive, but wounded. Follow his journey through Equestria, will he return to war-torn Earth, or live in peace in Equestria?
(Currently under rewriting.)
(Inspired by "The Youth in the Garden" by The Descendant here on FimFic) (Somewhat AU D-Day)
Chapters (5)
Ha finally first comment
i look forward to reading later chapters. Although reading it got me a little confused you should really put some more detail into the description of the area, other then that great job.
1798875 Thanks man
Also first.
If anypony can guess what game the image of Aetherium, and the name is from, you get a cookie!
k
Okay.
1692964
What this guy said, obviously. And all the other guys before this comment. Also, self-insert. Also, wish-fulfillment. Also, someone has a lack of imagination. I mean, seriously. A soldier(odst, master chief, Issac Clarke, Joseph Stalin, retarded mary-sue-OC such as this one.) DIES and goes to Equestria, where he becomes friends with mane 6 and LIVES A HAPPY LIFE. (has sex with Rainbow Dash)
We haven't seen this one before. Nope.
I'm not hating. It's just that... Ugh. Uuuuugh!
*stomps away*
1860381 Its not a self-insert and he will not live a trully happy life, sure, his family will be with him, but he will forever be haunted by the memories and ghosts of those he's killed
1861472
It's a self-insert, and here is why:
I have no doubt that you're 17 years old, or somewhere close to that age. Your OC is also 17. You did it, so you could relate yourself to your character, and therefore it's a self-insert. But that's not the only reason. Since your character is now related to you, you made him an officer (ridiculous, really) to make him (and yourself) look cool. That's your wish-fulfillment.
Now, that didn't work for obvious reasons, but still.
This cliche is SORE from overuse. It's hurting, and begging for the pain to stop.
I'm not trying to be mean here, It's just that I've seen this before, waaay too many times. It actually forced me to disengage my 10-month read-only mode, and create this account, just so I could tell people where they went wrong.
1863762 The reason I made him 17 is, if he were older, he probably would have been used to the horrors of war, I based him of Alloran something or other, a Union soldier who went MIA, i based this idea of The Youth in the Garden by the descendant, Alloran was a REAL person who was around Micheal's age when he went to war. He would be just as susceptible, Micheal has seen real combat only, 4-5 times, he was given command by his adopted father, his commander during Operation Husky Or whicever one I mentioned in Chapter 3
Also, I'm pretty much an only child, I have 3 step-sisters and a step-brother, but they don't count
The only things we share in common is a sense of honor, a kind heart, and extreme loyalty to our loved ones, Also the love of gaming, and the young age, aside from that, we're different. I believe punishment should fit the crime, but I would never kill someone. Beat them sure, but I would't go THAT far.
Gosh, it took me a while to find out what you're talking about. Your writing is unpossible to readz.
That should have been 3 sentences instead of one.
Now, before anything else, let's talk about this:
I think you fail to realize that it doesn't really matter how old you are, 17 or 25, you'd still shit yourself if you're going into firefight for the first time. Ever talked to the WWII veterans? I have.
Ok.
I assume you're talking about Allorian, the protagonist of "The youth in the garden". You DO realize that the Battle of Antietam was waaaay before the WWII, and wars back in the old days were nothing like the first and second world wars. In terms of "horrors of war", I mean. Please, do your research, and compare wars BEFORE and AFTER the WWI. Back in the 1800s armies were heck of a lot less professional than they were at 1940's, and still, there is no chance that the kid could became an officer, even back then.
Sorry, I fail to see how this is relevant to our discussion.
1864143 I tried thinking of a rank to give Micheal, one that would give him SOME influence in case the need would arise, but not make him say, a General, a high-rank
I strongly advise that you read this fic before continuing. It's another soldier in Equestria fic and quite highly rated.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/13317/one-soldiers-twilight
I see what you're trying to do here, but it seems that your ambition exceeds your ability. I'll write a full review tomorrow.
1923937 I think i've read that one
1864143 Alright, chapter 8 is up!
3067157 thank you and you also ca,e here to read bout ponies
1703090 My uncle is a Cheif Petty Officer. and a former SEAL
I am sorry, but I simply cannot review this fic in detail. It is so awful and has so many things wrong with it, that I give up before even 200 words. Instead, I will riff it. You're going to have to wait for at least next week for the riff. I'll write up a short review for your story tonight, though.
Here is my short review of this fic.
I honestly do not know what to say. Please tell me that this is a trollfic. Please tell me that this is a crackfic. Please tell me this whole fic is just a joke. Please tell me that you are not serious. What the fuck is this shit?
I cannot find anything nice to say about this fic. This is quite possibly the absolutely worst story I have read on this site. I can't even find any unintentional humor or ironic charm in it. I tried. Really, I tried. I remember why I forgot to review this story: it's so awful that I couldn't even get through the first three chapters! Well, I forced my way through, and I really did have to force myself through it. Never have I sat through 9K words which contained 21K words worth of plot and felt like 47K words.
The characters are completely unrelatable. Your protagonist is a massive wish fulfillment Sue. You can say that he has flaws, or that he's not wish fulfillment, but I'm not buying that. Always right. Always wins. Nothing truly bad happens to him permanently. Has he ever meaningfully failed entirely by his own folly in a way that actually had major consequences that stuck? No. Does he have any characters flaws that actually cause him meaningful pain? No. You can even try to play the convenient PTSD card, but that only turns him from a shit character into a shitty, insulting character. As for the rest of the cast, none of them behaved or spoke like themselves. You threw in so many new OC's so rapidly that I gave up on even caring that they existed.
The plot is convoluted beyond comprehension. Shit just happens, and coincidence takes the place of good storytelling. This is the most hurried, breakneck pacing I've ever seen in a fic. It's not even compact; it's just insanely fucking fast. I have no idea what I just read, what any of it meant, why any of it happened, or how it happened.
Your historical accuracy and pretentions to realism seem to have come from the Dan Brown school of fact checking, in that they are both extremely minimal, and instead of even bothering to look up easily found information, you just made shit up or took wild guesses. Seriously, this isn't even the Saturday morning cartoon, or even the theme park version of World War Two. This is the completely-not-giving-a-shit version. Another thing is that you epically fail with almost every single element relating to weapons, military, and mythology. And I'm not one of those obsessives who freaks out if even the smallest detail is wrong. I'm talking about there being multiple incidents of critical research failure -- getting stuff wrong that's common knowledge! You don't need to be an expert, but having at least cursory relevant knowledge would have been infinitely better. You could have done the damn research as you went along, as I often do when I write. You fucked up so many elements of WWII that it's just insulting. Yes, you've actually made a fic that I find absolutely offensive.
Your grammar and syntax had loads of problems. Three of your biggest ones were forgetting commas, having massive description dumps, and forgetting to add spaces between sentences. There were times when you transcended the limitations of sentences and paragraphs.
Your story is absolutely awful. I cannot find any redeeming features whatsoever. Not only is it completely wretched, without even the slightest redeeming charm or interesting absurdity, but it is actually offensive. And you invoked the name of The Descendant, and the title of his story, The Youth in the Garden, in the first chapter. The former is a fantastic writer, and the latter is a story I personally love. Thank you for tainting them in my mind. How is it possible for a story to be this bad!? This is the worst fic I have ever read. It is the first story I have ever given my lowest score. You get 1/10 flutteryays.
3080803 ...Beautiful. Some beautiful shit right here.
3080803 Is there anything left to poke at man?
3080803 Dude, is historical accuracy actually a point? It isn't the focus. Plus, it lasted for barely a chapter, the main point is the ponies. Plus, call it alternate history
3090369 I doubt you could miss the point any more if you were aiming the gun up your nose
3090369 I have never seen someone miss the point of a review so very badly.
Yes, historical accuracy matters. If you're referencing an actual thing that actually happened here on earth (like WWII and the nazis and so on) and do not have the alternate universe tag on your story, it needs to have at least a cursory effort at being accurate. To be frank, it seems you didn't even really try.
Also, it appears you dropped acid halfway through the story.
Also, you never microwave bacon. Heathen.
3090369
If it's alt-hist, then fucking warn us at the outset! You were earlier claiming that you just didn't know real life history. Since you were too lazy to fix it, you've gone and claimed that it's be an alternate history the whole time, And yet there's no warning or sign that it's an alternate history fic. Nobody is a telepath. Still doesn't excuse any of the other numerous faults I discussed.
3090237
1/10 is as low as I go. And to get there, you not only have to be atrociously bad without even any sort of accidental humour or bile fascination too offset it, but also it must be seriously offensive. This is the second story that has actually made me legitimately angry, and I've been reading fanfiction since I was thirteen -- for just over 7 years now.
3090369
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1yjjvClrv1r2zvsmo1_400.jpg
3090369 Motherfucker, are you high?
3090369
If that's the case, why do you focus on your boring OCs so much, to the detriment of the pony characters? Luna, Celestia, and the main six are all so utterly homogeneous in this fic that it would be impossible to determine who they were without the names, which feel more like little tags applied to mannequins. Actually, all the characters are a bit like that, really. They behave in robotic, insane ways that no believable character would. They're literally insane, in that their actions do not correspond to outside stimuli, in any way.
So no. It's not about the ponies, at all. They're so sidelined by the utterly forgettable humans, that they barely qualify as a supporting cast. You miss the point. You fail it. You lose! Good day sir!
Also, you apparently hit up the shrooms partway through. The only way this could get worse would be if you revealed Michael was actually Captain America all along.
3090982 revealing that he's actually Captain America would actually make more sense than the rest of this drek tbh
3090947 I looked D-Day on Wikipedia. Also, if yah want another fic to bash, here's my page! http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Diokno44
3091013
You mean to tell me that you had to look up facts of one of the more awful moments in WWII on Wiki? Just how stupid are you, lad?
3091013
If you had read the Wikipedia article, you'd know that he British were instrumental in launching Operation Overlord, and took part in droves. You'd know that generals do not typically take place in frontline fighting, and didn't in this case. You'd know that mortars do not behave like smoke bombs. You'd know that the American forces didn't use RPGs at the time, and you'd know that the battle on the beaches of Normandy was much larger and more involved than the theme park attraction you portrayed. I refuse to believe you did any research before writing this.
Do you even know anything about MLP? Hey, here's a hint... giving the princesses gaming systems doesn't make them believably characterised.
3090940 what if said bacon is cold?
3091060 you stop being lazy and you pull out a goddamned frying pan to heat it up
you don't microwave it
it turns into rubber when you do that
3091013
Well, you did get the date and region right. I was professional with my review to the best of my ability. As for your other stories, I plan on stay as far away as possible. This is your most highly rated one, and it exposed me to new extremes of awful. I do not want to even imagine what the rest might be like.
Also, listen to Dancer, Axel, Atlas, Sunder, and Barata. And don't you dare microwave bacon!
3091066
Best Bacon is grilled bacon. fuck the stove.
3091149 stove is fine in a pinch and MUCH better than microwaving
grilled, preferably wrapped around a steak or shrimp or scallops is best use of bacon
oh, and bacon-wrapped water chestnuts are awesome
itt: bacon
s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_l51h4xayhf1qziulwo1_1280.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAI6WLSGT7Y3ET7ADQ&Expires=1377312287&Signature=uPwHoloe10PM3Yt0XxH%2BVfOfHGc%3D#_=_
3091168
>not mentioning the mighty grilled cheese bacon sammich
you sicken me
3091174 I'm not big on cheese because it makes me ill :(
But it deserves an honorable mention.
3091179
Grilled bacon, marinated with tequila/alcohol of choice
>I have tasted heaven, and FUCK THIS WORLD
3091184 grilled bacon, chopped up and thrown into french cut beans that have been COOKED IN BACON GREASE with some garlic, salt, and pepper (paprika if you're feelin fancy)
3091168
3091103 K, 1. What am I suppose to do if my bacon gets cold? And 2, here are some of my better fits:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/55838/the-guardian-angel-of-ponyville
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/65629/night-will-fall-and-the-dark-will-rise
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/57386/the-equestrian-empire
Oh. Ok, but wouldn't that turn the bacon harder if I fry it?
3091192 1. I answered that
2. If those are your better fics I think maybe you should go back to the drawing board.
3091190
... i have use of both hands, a grill, a free night, mary by my side, some alcohol, some bacon, and fuel and charcoal. i have some spices. FUCK IT. GRILLIN' TIME!
3091192 Heathen. It gets CRISPY, not HARD. This is another example of you talking about things you don't fully understand
research is your friend
3091192
>Not liking it hard
you sicken me
(hue)
3091201 HELL YES
GIVE YO LADY SOME DELICIOUS MEAT.
3091192 DON'T FUCKING MICROWAVE IT, YOU DUNCE.
