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One day several Decepticon soldiers appear in Ponyville and attack it, the ponies of Ponyville are then saved by The Autobots and slowly befriend them what adventures will The Mane Six and The Autobots have together let's find out together?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You sir, are a bad writer
I need to go kill some children now.
1687335 I agree with Gamedash, this story is not well thought out, I'll give you a star out of pity
1688109 Once again, agreed.
If brains were made of gold, the author of this story would be as poor as a beggar.
1688198 Nice controller
1688310 Thank you, good sir
And yes.
I too like Metroid
what the HELL did I just read?!!!!! you sir have made a mockery of my two favorite hub shows
Good morning everybody! I just read the first chapter, and since it appears that nobody else has done this yet, I'm going to critique it. I'm not going to bother reading the second chapter because I want to have some sense of sanity by the time I get to my math homework. So without further ado, let's get on with it!
Crossovers can be very tricky to pull off. The first thing that should be made absolutely clear about crossovers is this: not everybody knows all of the sources you're pulling from. I have only seen the first Transformers movie and maybe an episode of one of the shows when I was younger. As such, I wouldn't be able to understand some of the characters as well as a serious fan. We all should know the ponies if we're here, but not all of us know who the Autobots/Decepticons are, so you really need to explain to the readers who they are.
Another point about crossovers is that you're using a universe. If there is a character in the universe you're using with the same name as someone in a different universe, just about everyone will assume that you're talking about the one in the universe you're using. In other words, there's no point in pointing out the Ninja Turtle known as Raphael. Also, in the case of Bumblebee being unable to speak in English, it would be better to point out why he can't talk. Depending on the situation, Bumblebee may be able to talk in later Transformers productions. Saying why he can't talk would be better than saying he can't talk in such-and-such, so he can't talk now.
If you're going to do chapter headings like that, I'd recommend centering it. That way, readers will be able to tell that this is the title and not the first paragraph of the story. There isn't a need to include an the authors name and the date it was written. It's even less necessary to include that it was written by "Evan Carlton" twice.
Also, the title itself is a little confusing. The way it's written, it could be a sentence (a grammatically incorrect one at that). The actual show name is My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. If you were trying to put a twist on that (which it's fairly obvious that you are), try to keep it the same grammatically. Include the colon and make sure it still makes sense.
You have some serious grammar issues, mostly with run-on sentences. Get yourself an editor that can fix this issue. For example your description is a single sentence when it could very easily be broken into four.
This quote also shows another important thing: pacing. You seriously need to slow down the story. If you make it progress too fast, the reader will have no idea what's going on later in. A good way to make one's pace slower is to add plenty of detail. Dialogue probably makes up at least half of the first chapter, and that is not good. It wouldn't be hard to add some details about the events. A good writer can take the "Autobots came and quickly defeated several Decepticon soldiers" bit and make it into several chapters. A good goal for a chapter is 1000-1500 words to start out. It becomes very easy to reach these goals if you add some details. A good phrase to remember is "Show, don't tell." Explain events and characters with enough detail that we can visualize the story unfolding in our heads.
Like I said before, explain who the characters from the Transformers universe so readers won't get confused.
One major flaw here is that the mane six adapt to this too quickly. When giant alien robots appear out of nowhere and have a big battle, nobody with normal brain functions would trust them this quickly. If this actually happened in the real world, most people would find something to hide behind or start shooting them, not immediately starting casual conversation with them. It could take a very long while for the ponies to start trusting the giant alien robots, let alone leave their shelters. Just because they destroyed some supposedly bad robots, that doesn't mean the new ones are any better. The ponies don't even ask any questions that don't pertain to their interests.
Another note: we know how the characters from MLP talk, so there's no need to tell us. Just reflect it in their dialogue. If you want to point it out, make one of the Autobots do it.
There is no need to say the story (if you can call this a story) ends. Just end it. I'd recommend ending it in a way that you can build on that in the next chapter. Also, the way you described the next chapter makes me think you're treating this kind of like a TV show. This is a fanfic site. It would do you good to remember that. It may seem like an interesting idea to give us a little preview, but I personally don't think it is. Let the readers imagine what could happen next. That's what makes me want to turn the page (or scroll down in this case). Allow us to be surprised when something happens. If you tell us right out of the gate, that can't happen.
Also, putting humans in Equestria tends to be very risky. Putting bronies in Equestria is practically asking for death unless it is very well executed. I'm pretty sure there's no proof that the humans from Transformers are bronies, so that could be a problem. It appears to me that you don't have the skill to pull something like that off, so good luck.
And when did all of those characters show up, and why is it only them asking what MLP is? I'm sure there were plenty of backround ponies in the area. Which reminds me, where in Ponyville is this taking place? Some description about the area where this happened would be nice. You could say they were in a park or something like that. Give us more than saying in was a normal, beautiful day in Ponyville.
After everything was done, we found out that both the Autobots and the Decepticons have arrived in Equestria and fought each other. RD and Arcee are going to race while the others will likely build a base (I'm just assuming this last bit. If the reader needs to assume something, you need more details if it isn't about the future). At this point, I have no idea where the plot will go. That's fine in the first chapter as long as you build up to the finale as you go along.
Overall, this was severely lacking in many areas. How the Transformers showed up needs to be explained. The plot advances much too fast for it's own good. The ponies all seem to lack fear at this point, despite the fact they're talking to giant alien robots with very powerful weapons. We have a very strong idea about the next chapter but nothing else. If you want this story to survive, you need to get an editor to fix the grammar mistakes and you need to add serious amounts of detail. A rewrite may be in order. If you don't want to fix it, I'd take a gun and put it out of it's misery. I'm sure that other readers will show up and tear it to pieces. You have been warned.
On the bright side, your spelling is pretty sound. Plus, you seem to understand that each time someone else speaks, you need to start a new paragraph. At least you have that stuff going for you.
Enjoy your morning hours.
You again? Take some advice pal.
I just wish this is would have been easier to read. But alas....it cannot be read. I offer you no stars.....and may God have mercy on your soul.
1687653 Wait- isn't that already in your schedule?
Oh, fuck you.
1687653 TAKE ME WITH YOU!
Hi there! Scribblestick the Chill here. Looks like you're off to a bumpy start. Let's figure out why, shall we?
Well, let's not waste any time establishing the setting and characters. Who needs that when we can have giant alien robots blow stuff up, right?
Oh, I guess you're not going to spend any time on that, either.
Oh...kay...
Yeah... we know... we're on a site made exclusively for My Little Pony fanfiction, after all...
Who are these characters?
And then goes on for another paragraph.
This accounts for 22 percent of the story. That means almost a quarter of "Episode 1" was spent promoting "Episode 2." Do you see a problem with this?
So I think it goes without saying that the pacing on this one is absolutely horrendous. You really need to go back and flesh out every single thing you mentioned in this story. What are our equine heroes up to the day of the invasion? How do the Decepticons get there? What do they do? Do the ponies fight back? Is anyone hurt? How dire is their plight when the Autobots arrive? How do they destroy the Decepticon bots? What are the final damages and casualties? Why can't Bumblebee speak (and don't settle for "because the movies said so," you can do better than that)? What do the Autobots look like? How do they gain the ponies' trust?
Yeah, I think that's a good starting point. Hope it helps!
~Scribblestick, TWE's notoriously friendly moderator
1692075
I don't care if this was based on Prime, he was emulating Bay.
1692463 Eeyup.
Chapter 1 constructive review
Firstly, you jumped into the story very quickly with little set up or description. After the first sentence, the Decepticons have arrived and are attacking ponies. The crash itself has plenty of room for description, such as the effect it would have on the crash site (dust clouds, craters, sonic boom shattering glass, etc). This is also somewhat out of character for Megatron or Starscream, who would never randomly open fire without an opening tirade first
This story is combining the two juggernaught franchises of Hasbro. There is a vast amount of information avaliable for descriptions of all characters and locations.
Ah, where did the Autobots come from? Where they already there? and if so, how did the ponies not notice giant robots? Additionally, if the Autobots are already on the planet, then what brought down the Nemesis?
Try to avoid using human terms when describing things like accents. Rarity would have never heard of the United Kingdom. Generally she is described as having a refined Canterlot accent. (And yes I do know that Fluttershy once mentioned France. That was changed later to Fancy).
Don't mention the Transformers Prime series or Transformers movies within the confines of the story. It disrupts the flow for the reader by taking them out of the story. Either use the reason mentioned in the movies, which is that Starscream damaged Bumblebee's vocal modulator or put such information in the comments below the story.
Given that readers of this story are likely to be familiar with the Transformers Prime universe, stating that Raphael is not the Ninja Turtle is redundant. If they are not familiar with the series, then they do not know the characters at all and may be lost on some points such as personality. Some goes for the Autobots, there is no description of their apperance or tranforms. Would they change into something more appropriate for Equestria?
General gramatical issues
Missing " at end of sentence.
Multiple issues with this paragraph. It runs on for a long time without a full stop, making it harder for a reader to comprehend the entire parapgraph. Full stops give the reader a break and allows them to seperate stentences into easily digestable chunks.
Needs a colon (:) after My Little Pony.
Needs a comma after Magic.
New line after quotation marks.
Needs a comma after Raphael.
Needs a comma after race.
Needs full stop after Rainbow Dash.
Capitalise can.
New line after 'The Mane Six?'
Needs colon after Transformers
Needs a full stop after Interrupted, rather than a colon
If done right, this story could be good. It needs more description to merge the two universes.
1692463>>1692471 The pity is that Prime appears to be more in line with the Bay abortions than the original marvel comics or the 1985 G1 classic cartoon.
Its only saving grace is that they got Frank Welker back to do Megatron.
Still, I lost interest in the series after the Unicron story arc.
1693379 It's not just that Welker is Megatron again. It's that Cullen and Welker are acting opposite each other again as Oprimus and Megatron for the first time since G1.
I personally really enjoy Prime, and it was the only reason I gave a crap about the Hub until the whole pony thing came into my life. Now the better show has more or less taken over my life, and I haven't seen half of the second season of Prime yet. I can sympathize with the waning interest thing, since I haven't even tried to find the time for it either.
1692850 The reason I repeatidly say things like Raphael not the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and the trademark Britsh accent that Rarity speaks in or the trademark southern accent that all members of the Apple family speak in is because I read this story to my parents before submitting it on this site and they don't watch any of the shows that I do, so they don't know these things like I do so I have to constantly remind them because while they like all the stories i've ever read them they don't watch any of the cartoon shows that I watch and they also don't watch Bakugan, Dragon Ball Z or Naruto Shippuden which everybody on here knows is anime. Anyway this is why I do things like this constantly.
1694011 Fair point. I run into the same problems when I share my fics with my family and non-Brony friends.
However, the FIMFiction audience probably has a much better knowledge of these shows (MLP at the very least), so for this audience, some of this is unnecessary.
1694029 Ok by the way what would you say to being my proofreader from now on?
1694673 I can help with that. Shoot me a PM with details.
Silly DBZ, everypony knows Megatron is a brony! It even gives proof in the commercial for Transformers Prime. (says that the MLP opening theme is his favorite music)
Do what Fimbulvinter said. Do everything Fimbulvinter said.
I can't help until you correct some of the basic spelling, grammar, and pacing flaws.
1701103 Thank you!
1701103 Thank you!
1691780 Yeah, but I need to kill some more.
1691796 TO THE ORPHANAGE!
1694011 And that sort of thing is fine during the proof reading phase of a story. Once it is posted on here however, such things should be removed as it is a known fact that Rarity has a British accent or that Applejack sounds like a southerner. The audience does not need to be told such things within the story.
1701710
I thumb it up for this only.
Congratulations! You have one Idiot of the Year for just killed my two favourite shows.
Rushed
Its ok but its rushed
I like the chapter names! Remind me of what the Japanese name their episodes