• Member Since 23rd Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 29th, 2022

UrbanPonification


E

Noble Heart is an adopted prince with no memory of his past what so ever. But, when he commits the crime of murder, he is instantly striped of his title and given for dead. He soon finds he is in fact the son of Nightmare Moon, forcing him to choose what to believe in or not. Embarking on a journey to avenge his mother.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 11 )
Comment posted by Sagacity deleted Dec 26th, 2012
Comment posted by Regidar deleted Dec 26th, 2012
Comment posted by The Tyrannical deleted Dec 26th, 2012
Comment posted by Regidar deleted Dec 26th, 2012

The Antichrist - Slayer

I neither endorse nor condone this story. I just do my duty.

When you have a big block of story, remember the people telling will need to breath.
And everytime they do it is easy to press then enter key and thus seperate it.

Your story is a bit compressed, but I suffered that when first begining to write as well, it takes some doing but eventually you learn the skills.

The characters seemed a bit out of character, and all spoke kind of similar to a bully, so you may want to thin the amount of characters you use and slowly build up or try and focus more on explaining why they are acting out of character.

I understand what happened in the story, but it isn't very clear.

He's a prince under blueblood, okay next.
He's getting bullied even when he is probably under some sort of guard, well I'll roll with it
Huh, glowing horn guts what what huh?
Guilty, guilty of what how do we exactly know what he did?
Ok Luna to the rescue, ok next
So she knows he is the son, could have extended that out and made it like she only suddenly realised it after looking after him for a few days
Celestia is still otu of character, but ok ok
Ok so now he's in Ponyville, well ok.

That's my critique for now. You have the making of what could be a decent story, but it feels rushed and could use some refining.
Not bad, good luck in the future and hope to see you improve.

Comment posted by The mike deleted Dec 26th, 2012

1686142 I never did a whole lot of fan fic before, I am glad someone read it and gave me insight. I have new ideas on how to explain alot more. I am gonna try some new things.

1689346

Good luck mate, and remember googling 'tips for writing' or something like that is your best friend.

good first storie i liked it it's an interesting idea i liked what you did with it and keep up the good work. :rainbowdetermined2:

1855889 Thank you. I like your oc too

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