• Member Since 8th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 21st, 2018

Will P. Sherman


I'm Batman

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Slumber parties can be a blast... but they can also lead to awkward situations.

I know, it's "just another AppleDash fic"... you probably know how it's gonna end. What you never know is how you get there. That's what usually makes a fic interesting.

Let's explore some thoughts together.

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Thank you, TheShadow, Proofreader of Coolness, Awesomeness and Radicalness!!




Applejack image by Superstar4071

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 193 )

What can i say? Its an appledash fic without a sad tag. But as said its the way we get there. And i like the how this is going.

A little cheesy at times, but I can't wait to read about that slumber party. Not much can be said about this first chapter I'm afraid, no real basis for rating so far

Sir or madam . . . out of all the fics I've read- this one has to be-

troll.me/images/obama-meh/not-bad.jpg

I'll give you a track. Good work on a good first chapter.

Tentatively rating it 2.5 for now. It's not bad, not spectacular, but I think the story's hurt by the way you approached some of the details. Though I like stories that start with a bit of dialogue to grab the readers' attention, the omission of the comment Rainbow Dash made which threw Applejack off really does make the scene confusing. At the very least the reader doesn't have any context in which to understand why Applejack's reaction is justified.

Though it's obvious what you're getting at, I do think you are in the right track by not outright saying what is going on but showing something is up and dropping a bit hint towards the end of the first chapter. Even though you stated outright it's an AppleDash fic in the synopsis this is a good way of building narrative suspense and throwing a hook into the story to get people asking what happened. Though again there's some awkwardness in this approach. We find out something is wrong with Applejack because Applebloom asks her outright. It's probably more effective to show Applejack going about her daily activities and describing the outward signs that something is bothering her like being easily distracted, staring off into the distance, etc. Besides the old "show don't tell rule" it would make the discussion with Applebloom feel like a more natural part of the story.

In any case I hope that at the very least you find my feedback useful for shaping future chapters or stories.

Looking forward to see where this is going... Tracked :raritywink:

I liked the final sentence. Good little kick, especially when you're releasing things periodically like this. Tracked!

Oh wow, thanks everypony!

I didn't expect it to grab so much attention! Thanks you so much for the feedback. We learn new things every single day and I'm deffinitely trying to learn from what you told me. Every single comment helps. :)

Again... Just like Study Buddies... WELL PLAYED MY BOY!!! i mean... WELL WRITTEN!! :twilightsmile::raritywink::pinkiesmile::rainbowdetermined2::ajsmug:

Whoops indeed. We're going to need some more, pronto.

Hm, okay! ^^ I didn't expect you guys to like it that much!

I'll write chapter 3 tonight.

I just noticed that some words that were in italics were not copied well... for example, that last sentence had a "not" in italics. It's not highly important, but I like adding a bit of emphasis on some words. :) I'll have to check chapter 1 as well.

Ah, AppleDash, you will never cease being one of my favourite ships. :heart:

This story has exceeded my expectations. i take off my metaforical hat to you good sir. And the bite-marks. That was bucking hilarius :rainbowlaugh:

Turnabout is fair play, Dashie ...

I'll try and drum up more substantive comments later, though I now I can see why the first chapter started so abruptly. If nothing else you seem to be handling the situation in manner that's rather appropriate for AppleDash: comic with lots of awkward tension.

As promised, Chapter 3 is out.

If you like it, I'll write chapter 4 tomorrow. :D

One chapter per day... it's challenging and good for the brain too.

You are a teasey-teasing mcTeasey Pants, you are. Durn 'ya.

Not my fault! I'm making this up as I go :D
Honestly, as soon as I'm done writing a chapter, I'm posting it here. I'm as teased as you are!

I'm loving this! Appledash is best shipping, and this is best appledash! Or at least, one of the best.

MOAR!! My MLP appetite has need to be filled with intense/ d'aw/ funny fanfic moments. My newfound month-old brony urges have need to be fulfilled. Good fic btw

I lost it at the bite marks. Well done!

I'm really enjoying the fic, especially the way Rainbow Dash is about the clouds and whatnot. As a suggestion, I would be more careful about tense agreement. Since you're writing in the past tense, you would say, "The remaining ones were Big Mac’s share of the chore", rather than, "The remaining ones are Big Mac’s share of the chore." Just a small detail, really.

I love the daly updates. But be cerefull. Its better to give out 1 good chapter every 2-3 than 1 lousy chapter every day. You seem to manage but don't hesitate to work on the chapters a little longer if neded.

hello orange cloud!... also these ponies so gullible :twilightsmile:

you have a few instances where you switch from past to present tense within the same sentence though, makes it kinda hard to read in some places

Thanks for the feedback!

Yes, many ponies told me that I switch from past to present tense in some parts of the story. Sorry about that. English is not my first language and it's sometimes difficult to translate some stuff, especially since in my language that kind of switch is less noticeable and actually quite common in books. I'll do my best to avoid it though. :D

Working on chapter 4 now. Just as a tiny mention, I would NEVER release a chapter unless I am 100% pleased with it. So far, so good. :)

Damn twi ;________________;

:twilightsheepish: Uhhh, I mean ...
:pinkiecrazy: ForrrrEVerrrrr!

I have to say..... they're all unusually..... dense in this story:derpyderp1:

that said.... this is going to be so much fun! :pinkiehappy:

I think I'm taking a small break after this one, hehe. don't worry, small break is small. I wrote 5 chapters in 5 days! :D And all because you awesome ponies supported me! Thanks!

Edge of my seat, Will, edge of my seat.
You seem to have a knack for the teasy-tease, and that is good, and I wish I could do it. Maybe someday. In the mean time, I have to say this is a very enjoyable reading experience, and I am looking forward to more appledashie goodness.

This is actually fantastically fantastical. I follow the other shipping fanfics on my account because my friend uses it too (I don't read most of the other ones) but this one is actually epic. :derpytongue2::pinkiehappy::pinkiesmile::rainbowlaugh::raritywink::raritystarry::scootangel::twilightsmile::twistnerd::yay::moustache:

I've enjoyed your story, it's a bit hard to follow at times, but overall it's a decent piece of fanfiction. Take a break, no need to burn yourself on writing. Writing fanfics can be fun until they become a chore.

you my friend, need a pre-reader... so many little mistakes in tense and sentence execution make for a pretty hard read, even though the story premise is great.

so please, find yourself a pre-reader!

i think this story deserves it :twilightsmile:

Will you be my pre-reader? :D>>125771

If you'd like/want a proof-reader, I'd be more than happy to volunteer my time. It's not like I have anything else to do with my time anyway.

awesome, the suspense is killing me, and when i finally get the chance to read it.:moustache: oh well still love this story:pinkiehappy:

Many thanks to Flutterbrony for double-checking everything. ^^ You rock!

"I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!" Twilight is Doctor Whooves! :derpytongue2:

Dat ending, you're such a tease! :heart:

say me if you thought there would be a kiss at the end

me

MOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

I also thought there would be a kiss at the end... it's all Applejack's fault!

I love the . . . plot :D great fic, keep it up

Was this reposted as a new story? Could have sworn I'd hit follow on this site already once... ack, probably read elsewhere...

Great story!

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