• Member Since 24th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago

The Grimm Reaper

The Grimm Reaper is the writer of the 'Darkness Duology', 'Immortal', 'They Come at Night... Mostly!' and 'Only Bone Deep'. Among others.



We last saw Bardock within the destructive energy ball that destroyed his homeworld, Vegeta. He was smiling as he died. Only he knows why.

Now, Bardock is back in a strange world where equines speak. But that's not what he considers strange. What he considers strange is the fact that Frieza and his men don't know about the planet or it's inhabitants and vice versa. Aided by the peaceful Equestrian species, Bardock has no means of leaving the planet and the threat of Frieza is a thing of the past. But not all is boring on this world.

{This is based off of the recently new short movie; Episode of Bardock. It replaces the story for this... you get the idea. It's a 'What If' scenario}

Rated Teen for mild gore.

::Featured - 28/8/2013::

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 119 )

oh god. verdict coming momentarily. :ajbemused:

Sounds like another over-the-top, violent character coming to Equestria, which I always find funny in some way. Looking forward to reading :twilightsmile:
EDIT: Oh my god, cliffhanger! :raritycry: I am very interested in the story so far, but the paragraphs are kinda long which makes keeping my place a bit hard...But that may just be me. I'm looking forward to how you portray Bardock in a land of ponies. :pinkiehappy:

FIRST :yay: its starting really good and can't wait for more chapters:twilightsmile:
EDIT well fuck when I was reading it I didn't see anyone else

Let's see where this one goes...

meeeeeeeehhhhhh..... You need a pre-reader, BADLY. Someone who knows proper grammar. Also, most characters were OOC.
These are the problems I had with it, but that probably won't help you. Take some advice from a fellow writer:

Firstly, the characters need to be more convincing. To achieve this, try imagining them saying what you type- actually imagine hearing their voice saying it on TV. In addition, do NOT over-emphasize their personality traits. Rarity, Fluttershy and Applejack all seemed heavily "stereotyped"- that is, they don't feel like themselves, but rather superficial models of them.
Second- Punctuation, grammar, all that jazz. Do not ever post a finished chapter unless it it 100% understandable. I can see you're not stupid; you've made an effort, you know how to spell and the punctuation is okay.... but, it has the definite feel that grammar checkers did a lot of work. Long story short: get a pre-reader who had some kind of qualification in English Language. I'd recommend (sorry for British terminology) an A at GCSE level, MINIMUM.

The rest is more difficult to explain. Here's my best attempt at vocalizing my advice:
Try to keep the characters and dialogue BEFORE the story. I personally don't like the way parts of the story pan out, but that's my preference. I'll let others expand on that. The thing is, you seem to know exactly where you want the story to go, and that's a good thing; problem is, this means that you're adapting how the characters would act and react to keep within your (I'm sorry, but frankly narrow) vision. Try to let the characters surprise you. Don't adapt them to fit your story, adapt the story to fit them. This is EXTREMELY important for an enjoyable story.
And, also, think more carefully about how you deal with character interactions. Especially between Celestia, Luna and the Mane 6. This is just going back to the OOC thing, but honestly, that's your biggest problem: making the characters speak, think, act, and react convincingly. As you write, watch clips of the character who's dialogue or actions you're writing. Make sure you're portraying them ac accurately as possible!! Kyrospawn is your friend.

That's it. I want to help you be a better writer. Honestly, I think you just need practice. Get used to the characters; get used to understandable description, don't overuse words within a few paragraphs, and above all, MAKE THE DIALOGUE CONVINCING!

:derpytongue2: (by the way, I never give a story thumbs down unless it's unreadable. I didn't really like this, so no thumb up, but if you get better at writing you'll get many of them.)

2 words "vasto lorde" :ajsmug:

1679837 Um, you're actually third, not first.:trollestia::ajsmug:

1680017 thank you for telling me that because I wasn't fully sure:twilightsheepish:

Im just saying how similar bardocks entrance is to hollow ichigos entrance in the story vasto lorde:eeyup:1680074

Well you should the beggining is very similar to this chapter

Okay, so Bardock has arrived in Equestria just as the ponies are on the precipice of a war with the Changelings. Sounds like Chrysalis might be the opponent who pisses him off enough to trigger his Super Saiyan transformation!:pinkiehappy:

Hold on...does Bardock still have his tail?:pinkiegasp: If he does, as soon as he sees Luna's moon, he'll transform into an Oozaru!:twilightoops: That means that he could singlehandedly decimate the Changeling army in a battle that drags on until the evening hours!:pinkiecrazy:

EDIT: :eeyup:, Bardock still has his tail, which means the instant he sees the moon, he's going to become a Great Ape.

1679837 Maybe you should have refreshed the page before you commented.:derpytongue2:

well im peaked with interest i will be waiting to see were this story go's

Nice! Captured Bardock's dramatic death in the anime perfectly. Only a few minor errors. :yay: Way to go

1680312 yeah maybe I should have:twilightblush::derpytongue2:

1681174 :eeyup:. Good way to save yourself from saying you commented first when you've actually been beaten to the punch.:facehoof:

Yes yes I know and sorry :facehoof: just didn't see anyone when I was reading sheesh give a guy a break here:facehoof:

Now that I think about it... Isn't Twilight not supposed to know her birthday dress was unfinished?

1679961I was the editor for that!

Yes, please continue this. It's been good so far, so please keep it up.

1683258 Don't mock meh!:flutterrage:

But anyway I did a horrible job, unlike my own story.


Basically, this.

Reading this story, I noticed many times where words were misspelled, put in the wrong place, or not the right word to use. One example is the part talking about how Pinkie was bringing dessert for the trip, only you had desert (as in, the Sahara Desert). I've also noticed words being capitalized incorrectly.

Also, I have to agree about the characters being OOC. Twilight for example seemed overly harsh, and the reason given in the story didn't really excuse it. What I'm talking about is how Twilight basically told Rarity that she could go screw herself if she did anything to prevent Twilight from leaving. Honestly, it seemed like that entire part was forced in order to inform the readers that Twilight likes meteor showers, at the cost of having Twilight act like a complete jerk to one of her best friends. You don't need that part. Just have Twilight excitedly tell her friends about how much she's looking forward to it. That serves the exact same point (showing how much she loves meteor showers), without having her be OOC.

It seems that nearly every dragon ball z crossover, including mine, have the character coming during a meteor storm :rainbowwild: seems to fit haha

1683787 im not mocking you I loooove the story...I just wish ne chapters weren't so slow

1682371 yeah what the fat guy poster said we need moar

:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:moar please!!!! you get all my moustaches :moustache:

give him his phsycic powers

Comment posted by crimsonwing deleted Dec 12th, 2012

YAY! More of this! Awesome!

Yes! It updated!

One error:

“You’re good kid, but my Saiyan pride won’t allow me to be defeated unless it’s in battle.

Needs a closing quotation mark.

I bet Bardock would only feel challenged if he fought against, say, an Ursa Major!:twilightoops::pinkiegasp:

And THAT would only be until he entered his Oozaru form!:pinkiecrazy:

1802095 Would you say I called what the only beast that could give Bardock a real fight is?:rainbowderp:

1802111 I'd go with one of three beasts that could give him a fight. The other is obviously a Changeling who could potentially change into him, the third one is...Spoiler alert!

1802565 I thought about it, and he's in the maybe section.

More of this please. Only Bardock fic that I've found so far that's actually good.

i know i want more of the darkness series but i want this just as much...

"He spotted an entrance to another room which seemed whiter than anything he’d ever worn in his life" ... I'm assuming this was different in your head

i have a feeling that it was me:twilightsheepish: but whatever it was a good chapter and cant wait for another

This is interesting. I want to see if he will choose to help the ponies later, perhaps like the special about him go super Saiyan out of anger.

1931161He's wise enough to not try and eat a sapient creature.

And I really wish you would continue this over Darkness. I love this story much more.:twilightsmile:

That's Nappa and Vegeta. They're, I hesitate to say it as it is true in Nappa's case but not in Vegeta's, stupid. Oh alright, I may be remembering DBZ Abridged too much, but you must admit stupid Nappa is funny as hell. Still though, they were only eating them because the bug people enslaved them. They're saiyans, they weren't going to take that lying down.

Login or register to comment