Trixie
Skyrim Guard
It was a fine day in the magical land of Equestria. Birds were chirping and the wind was blowing a calm and gentle breeze over the fields and forests, caressing the land and its inhabitants with love and tenderness. Few were those who did not enjoy the day and its glorious endeavors to make everypony happy and joyful.
But one such mare existed that would defy the calm atmosphere and peaceful calm.
Trixie Lulamoon walked slowly and depressed through the wheat fields outside of Fillydelphia, thinking about the humiliation she had experienced earlier that morning, and the day before, and the one before it...
"Blasted ponies and their foolish ignorance! Do they not know that Trixie is the best and most powerful mare in Equestria?!" Trixie kicked at the ground angrily and snorted in annoyance. It was all Sparkle's fault as far as she knew. If it hadn't been for that unicorn she would still have her cart, her fame, and her reputation. All of that was gone now, and the whole of Equestria knew it.
From town to town she had wandered, seeking her audiences of old, but nopony payed her a second glance anymore. She was a showmare without a stage, without a public.
Trixie sighed sadly and kept on walking, the wind brushing past her mane and coat as she moved. The unicorn was heading towards Manehatten, hopeful that the news had not reached the coast by the time she got there.
Trixie looked up at the skies and searched for a sign, a phenomenon that would grant her fame and power like the one she used to hold. Clouds moved softly and carelessly through the blue sea of above. No premonitions or prophecies were seen by her that day.
Letting out another sigh, Trixie moved ahead. Barely noticing the increase in the strength of the wind as she moved.
The wheat fields began to sway back and forth, pushed and pulled by the ever increasing power of nature. Trixie cast a worried look around and quickened her pace, not wanting to be caught by a storm in the middle of a field. The blue mare ran through the wheat and as far as she could into a nearby forest, hoping that the branches of the tree would be enough protection from the wind.
But alas! That was not the greatest of her worries, for the winds and thunder that followed were but signs of a much greater power brewing atop of the skies! From a land of ice and cold, a far stranger creature than the world had ever seen was being dragged into Equestria!
The sky rippled like water and a column of fire, ice and lightning descended unto the land, scorching the wheat beneath it. Trixie gasped and hid behind a large oak tree in hopes of not being harmed by the blast that resulted after the elements collided with the ground.
"Ponyfeathers! What in the hay is going on?!"
An area of twenty five kilometers was suddenly illuminated by red, blue, and white light as the column exploded and faded into oblivion, leaving the fields burnt and useless.
Trixie slowly emerged from her hiding spot, lips quivering with fear and eyes wide.
"Sweet Trixie, what in the name of Trixie has happened?" The conceited mare moved slowly towards the ravaged fields, containing her breath as the scent of scorched dirt filled her nostrils.
She gasped when she saw what awaited her amid the smoke and burnt wheat.
A biped creature clad in scale armor with a yellow cloth running down his shoulder to his waist. The creature sported a metal helmet and a sword. It was a male, given away by the muscular arms and thick build. He was standing in the middle of everything without even noticing the destruction around him.
Trixie gulped and took a step forward.
"M-maybe this is the sign I was waiting for? Will this strange being help Trixie rise to fame once more?"
The closer she got, the stranger the being became. He just stood there, looking off into the distance without a care in the world. Occasionally glancing around or flexing his arms, but nothing more. He was the epitome of stillness.
Trixie stood beside him, carefully thinking to what to do. She took a deep breath and raised a hoof to gently prod the creature.
She froze as he turned to see her, eyes looking indifferently through the thick helm, gazing into her own. Trixie gasped and fell on her back out of fright, the biped simply looked at her for a little longer before speaking in a very deep and thickly accentuated voice.
"You're the one who cast those illusions. Impressive."
Trixie gaped at him for a couple of seconds, wondering how he knew of her special talent, or how he survived the explosion of light of a couple of minutes before. Perhaps he was some sort of magician? A god? Maybe he was a creation of Discord's back when he ruled the-
"No lollygagging."
Trixie blinked and frowned. "Who are you to tell the Great and Powerful Trixie how to act?! Such insolence! Why you-"
"You're that one from the college. Heard about you."
Trixie blushed furiously as the memories of her wild college years rushed through her mind. Turns out that drinking and a bathroom mirror did not go well with her narcissistic tendencies.
"What?! Tr... Trixie doesn't know what you're talking about! It's all lies! Meant to soil Trixie's good name! Trixie swears!" She looked from side to side, worriedly hoping nopony was hearing the awkward exchange.
"Trouble?"
"N-no! Not at all! We do not want any trouble! Here, have these coins and make sure not to tell anypony about this ok?" Trixie pulled out a bag of bits and threw them at the guard's feet before dashing out of sight as fast as her embarrassed legs could take her.
The guard did not notice her leave, nor did he pay much mind to the bag of coins at his feet. He just stared off into the distance and flexed his muscles once more.
"I'd be a lot warmer and a lot happier with a bellyful of mead."
And so he departed, making his way to the nearest settlement in the horizon.
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One word (Or is it three?): lol.
"I've heard about you and your honeyed words!"
Here, have this coins
1. These.
Aaaand... I have mixed feelings. Yes, the guards can be annoying and funny at the same time but so can be your followers. In all honesty, I have no idea how to react to this story. Other than laugh at the joke about the AI of the game itself.
Ha! Can't wait till he tells spike he's the Dragonborn!
First of all, I commented before Regidar so yay me.
Second of all, this is awesome. Faved and liked.
Please, please, please don't have him meet Daring Do.
Just, don't, do, it.
1679906 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png Luna?
1679913 Fixing ASAP! Don't know how that escaped me! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_O_O.png
1679921 Me neither my friend! Me neither! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Spike_lolface.png
1679929 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_dealwithit.png Achievement unlocked! And thanks for the fav dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Colgate_beam.png
1679959 dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Rainbow_Dash.png OH COME ON!
1679994 I guess you could say I would be quite DARING to DO something like that... dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Cloudchaser_dealwithit.png AWWWWWWW YEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!one!1111!!!
Also, since all of you commented on the story about anything, you ALL get FREE CAKE and PLOT!
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_cake.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png
i1136.photobucket.com/albums/n497/jman129/image.png
You can take it in either context.
1680915
Did somepony say PLOT?!? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Colgate_bedroomeyes.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Redheart_smile.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_OMG_LOVE.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_ooh.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_TwilightWut.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_rainbowkiss_flip.png
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png
Oh, here's your cake by the way. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_cake.png Hope you liked the story! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy.png
Oh wow. A guard in Equestria following game mechanics (limited dialogue, etc.)? That's awesome! I hardly ever see a crossover with a game where the thing from the game crossover sticks with game mechanics. This can only by hilarious.
1681929
I hope it will be
Also, as promised...
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_cake.png
Have a nice day! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Colgate_beam.png
Alright, I had a giant grin on my face anytime the guard spoke. This might be crazy enough to work.
*searching* Where's Riften Guard? I thought he would zip here!
1683625>>1683112
gyazo.com/5af3268695cb18b1bafdc5c74ae40774.png
this has sheogorath all over it
Have it so that he just starts randomly patrolling the nearest town with no explanation.
Say he asks "Don't suppose you'd enchant my sword? Dull old blade can barely cut butter."
When someone tries to take his sword for enchanting, he interprets it as theft and tries to make an arrest.
1679929>>1680528 You guys care!
1683112
Anything that is fed the right amount of crazy is good to go on the road to success! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Vinyl_Scratch_lolface.png
1683871
Nah, needs to have about 20% more cheese! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy.png
1683950
You know the lightbulb thingy that appears on someones head when they get an idea? It just happened. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_O_O.png
1685279
Quite strange, I was expecting you to be here first dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png
Also CAKE and PLOT for EVERYPONY!!! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_cake.png
1685415 Sorry, I slipped today. I'm a bad person.
ALSO
That little caketavia made my heart explode with three different types of d'awww.
I could just imagine where this can go.
*Big Mac trots by, a mare beside him. He's clearly... Excited.*
"A guard might get nervous... A man approaches with his weapon drawn."
that guard here in equestria. WHAT HATH THEE DONE TO MAKE US LAUGH SO HARD
1686593 The lightbulb thingy! Its back! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_dayum.png
1688259 Tis the magic of sweetrolls my friend. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra.png Let us hope no one attempts to steal them! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_O_O.png
Cake and plot by the way... dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_cake.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png
Note: Trixie's dialogue shouldn't be in italics if they're spoken aloud. If they're direct thought, then they shouldn't be in quotes.
Also, Discord's, not Discords.
Interesting premise, I'll give you that. And I suppose I might as well say what everyone's thinking - curious to see how you fit in the most beautiful of all Skyrim guard phrases, pertaining to pointy projectiles and regions between the calves and thighs.
1692456
I am the king of corny puns.
And racist jokes.
And poker.
Ever need any help with any of these three, let me know!
But don't you dare challenge me to a poker game unless you have a lot of money to lose.
yup, this'll be fun. kudo's to you good sir, here's a like, go get y'self somthin nice.
1694056
Hehe, sorry about that!
I'll fix it ASAP!
1709982
Ooooh! Shiny! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rarity_lolface.png Thanks for the like! I'll make sure to get me some milkshakes. There simply aren't enough boys mowing my lawn at the time...
Cake and plot... dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_cake.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png
Okay...so when's the next one coming?
1762720
Shhh! Don't break the silence of the comment section!
Also, you will haz to forgives me a bit on this. I have other stories and I'm on finals and I also got the headache of all things headaches, lasted for four whole days and I barely got out of it. Srry friend, I will try to have it out before tomorrow.
1679913 i have lost track of how many times lydia have said "a healing spell? are you a priest?"
everytime, man
everytime i pull out that heal other spell out of my ass she says that line.
its funny really, your more likely to spend more time with your followers or random traders than the guards of any town and yet the guards got more lines than pretty much anything in the game.
Yes
So much yes! Liked and faved, can't wait to see more!
this was in the game vanilla but scrapped at the last minute the rarity of its occerence varies with your copy
The really weird fact of the matter is that this is the most likely occurrence if a Guard landed in Equestria.
You see, The Elder Scrolls series is a computer game from an in-universe perspective, the world really does run on game mechanics, and main characters have the power of console commands.
Basically, what the Guards are limited to saying in the game is what they are actually limited to saying from the perspective of people in-universe.
(Most crossovers ignore this, but it's technically canon.)
goes into console commands,
clicks on skyrim guard,
gives all non aggressive dragon shouts
I call Sheogorath did this.
And he did a pretty darn good job.
2008459
~
removeitem steelsword
setmajicka 500
addspell fear
setbounty 10000
Guehehe. Let's see what happens next...
Oh my god, this is making me laugh so hard!
I've heard those lines so many times, that here it's dozens times more funny thatn it actually is.
This is funny shit...
Also anything about anything.
Now where's my prize?
Lol, I assume all Garuda are powerful psychics.
I'm going to assume that you're Swedish and actually meant audience instead. Example:
"It was such a public humiliation! I'm so embarrassed."
Example:
"The audience gathered around the living statue, staring up in wonders as he froze perfectly still, they moved backwards in shock as a flurry of motion overtook him, the audience gasped as he ended up balancing on his left palm."
I like this!
im a huge skyrim fan and i love the derp guards
5093567 i know the guards are "derpetry derp"
Hello my old friend... make me laugh.
Those guards are trained well. They don't except bribes( unless you speech is high enough and with the perk.) Also they have the power to see into your soul. That's how they know everything about you.
:raiinbowlaugh:
Oh my sweet baby Talos this will be beautiful.
Ah, Skyrim. Easily one of my favorite games. I just wish my computer didn't glitch so much so I could actually play it. In other news, how do people feel about the changed lore?
Oh God no, I'm not ready to giggle this much!
This is going to be good...
If he'd taken the coins, he could have that belly full o fmead. Alas, it wasn't stolen goods, so he can't take it unless it's reverse-pick pocketed into his inventory.
I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took a rainbow friendship laser to the knee.