Prologue
CHAPTER ONE
Prologue
For the third time since I came to Equestria, the sound of wedding bells was filling my ears. But instead of a big church in Canterlot, I was standing in a small room in Ponyville's Town Hall, watching John as he fiddled with the collar of his suit. I resisted the urge to slap him, like he did to me at my wedding, choosing instead to put a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
"For fuck sake, mate." I said sternly. "Relax, would ya? You're getting married, and you're standing there like a man on his way to the gallows. Stop fretting, and get your head in the game. Do you really think AJ would want to see you like this?"
John looked at me blankly as he processed what I had just said to him. Finally, he blinked and spoke.
"No, I don't think she would." he replied. "I just feel like I've let her down. You and Twilight and Ace and Pinkie... your weddings were spectacular affairs. But after dropping all those bits on buying the farm, I was barely able to afford this."
I laid a hand on my chin in thought. After a moment, I shrugged — and slapped John across the face as hard as I could, before grabbing both his shoulders and shaking him.
"She doesn't give a fuck about the size of the wedding!" I said. "For fuck sake, you bought a home for the both of you! After doing something like that for her, I doubt she'd care if the two of you got married in a public toilet!"
I released John's shoulders and he rubbed his face, a steely determination behind his eyes. He nodded crisply and composed himself as best he could.
"You're right, mate." he said with a laugh. "As far as AJ cares, as long as the two of us are together, that's all that matters."
I patted him on the back as the wedding march started, taking my place at his side.
"Well said." a voice to my left spoke. "A bit over the top, but still. At least you got your point across."
I turned to the owner of the voice and saw Ace standing next to me in his uniform. I had forgotten that he was chosen as a best man as well, since John didn't want to choose between us — even though I told him I had already been best man at Ace and Pinkie's wedding. He had persuaded me — rather eloquently, in fact.
"Oh, come on." he had said. "I was your best man, and you were Ace's. I only turned down the role at Ace's wedding because of that crap you went through after Derek. You're my best mate, and I won't have you missing out any more. So just shut the fuck up and say 'yes', you dolt."
The chapel door swung open and the Cutie Mark Crusaders trotted in, once again given the role of flower girls. Apple Bloom had a huge smile on her face, which was understandable given that her big sister was getting married. Even Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo was smiling. Probably over how many weddings they had been to in such a short period of time, though I didn't think Scootaloo would have been excited about something she normally views as 'sappy'.
Applejack soon followed behind the three fillies. Big Macintosh stood by her side in a 'father of the bride' role. But given that they didn't talk about their parents, I guess having her big brother there was the next best thing.
Applejack, like Twilight, was wearing her Gala dress, though Rarity had dolled it up a little, adding a bit of length to the hem. Her mane wasn't tied up, and hung loosely around her face, a stray lock obscuring one eye and giving her a mysterious look. Her hat was clearly perched on her head, much to the fashionista's chagrin.
John let out a low growl, clearly liking what he was seeing. Applejack stood by his side and smiled, biting her lower lip.
"Holy crap." John muttered. "You look amazing, hon."
Applejack blushed and brushed the errant strand of mane out of her eye, tucking it behind an ear. She looked at John in his suit and let out a small whistle.
"Yer lookin' mighty fine yerself, sugarcube." she said. "Ah have ta admit, ya can scrub up pretty darn well when ya want."
John chuckled.
"You know you like it when I'm dirty." he replied, wiggling his eyebrows for emphasis.
Applejack gasped and poked him in the side.
"Now don't be talkin' like that in front of our friends, ya hear me?" she said. "Or the Crusaders. Celestia knows they of all ponies don't need ta hear 'bout what we get up to behind closed doors."
John laughed and laid a hand on Applejack's shoulder, running his fingers through her mane.
"Sorry, hon." he said. "I'm just teasing you, that's all."
"Oh really?" she snorted, a sly grin spreading across her face. "Because Ah'm pretty sure teasin' is mah speciality."
Ace and I both stifled a laugh as John turned beetroot.
"Speaking of Celestia," he said, eager change the subject, "where are the Princesses? I thought they'd both be here with their new boyfriends. Boyfriends that Doctor Phil here helped them to get."
He nodded his head towards me at the last sentence, to which I responded by simply smiling and nodding.
"The Princesses aren't here because something important came up that they had to deal with." another voice said. I looked behind Applejack and saw Twilight holding a scroll in her magic.
"Hey babe." I said. She trotted towards me and gave me a kiss. "What's so important that they had to miss the wedding?"
Twilight shook her head.
"I'm not sure." she replied. "The letter didn't say. But they both send you their apologies, Applejack, and promise that they will be in touch with you soon."
Applejack waved a hoof dismissively.
"Ain't nothin' ta worry about." she said. "Ah understand how busy they can get. Ah ain't no expert, but I'm pretty sure that runnin' a country can't be easy. But if I had to choose between that or buckin' four hundred acres o' apple trees... give me the trees, any goshdarned day a' the week."
We all laughed at her joke as the registrar, a unicorn stallion, took his place at the small podium at the head of the room. He cleared his throat to get the attention of the various guests — myself, Ace, the Crusaders, Big Mac, Granny Smith, the other Elements of Harmony, Spark Plug, Doctor Haywick and Spike.
"Mares, fillies and gentlecolts." he said. "My name is Matri Mony, and I shall be your registrar today. We are all gathered here to witness the union of Applejack and John. Could the best man please present the rings?"
Ace and I each took a ring from a pocket and passed it to Matri, who levitated them both in his magical aura. He motioned for John and Applejack to face each other, which they did — both of them smiling and blushing profusely.
"Here today, in front of these witnesses, I ask you, John. Do you take Applejack to be your wife?"
"I do." he said, as his smile consumed his face.
"And in front of these witnesses, I ask you, Applejack. Do you take John to be your husband?"
Applejack didn't even hesitate.
"Eeyup." she said, matching John's smile for width.
Matri looked over the assembled guests.
"And now I ask, is there anyone here today who objects to the union of these two souls?"
A loud "NO!" was his answer. He nodded just as Ace spoke.
"Good, because I'd lock you up if you did." he quipped.
Matri looked back to Applejack and John. He motioned for John to hold up his finger, and slid a ring over it. For Applejack, her ring had a chain, and was slipped around her neck.
"By the power vested in me by the town of Ponyville," Matri said proudly, "I now pronounce you man and mare. May you find everlasting peace together. You may now kiss the bride."
Neither John nor Applejack had to be told twice as they tackled each other and locked lips. A cheer went up from the guests. As John and Applejack separated, she threw her bouquet into the crowd, where it was caught by Rarity. She cheered as a look of horror crept onto Spike's face.
John, Ace and I pointed at him and grinned.
"Join the club!" I shouted. "You'll love being married!"
Spike responded with a blush as Rarity wrapped her forelegs around him, peppering him with kisses.
"I can wait, Spikey-Wikey." she cooed. "At least until you're old enough to be married legally."
Spike returned Rarity's kisses with one of his own, smiling in relief.
"Okay, everypony!" Pinkie Pie cried. "The wedding is over, but the party is just beginning!" She pointed in a random direction before yelling at the top of her lungs, "TO SWEET APPLE ACRES!".
She then grabbed Ace and ran outside to where he kept his Sorou-mobile, a personal transport vehicle he had built. We heard it starting up before taking off towards the farm.
"Come on, everypony!" I called out. "We'd better haul ass if we want to eat anything before they nab it all! Come on, John! Grab your wife and start moving those legs!"
I finished the last sentence by grabbing Twilight. She yelped in surprise, but realised what I was going to do, and allowed me to hoist her onto my shoulders before rushing out of the town hall and into the town square. I can't imagine what the townsponies must have thought when they saw me charging along the road to Sweet Apple Acres as Twilight bounced around on my shoulders, clinging on to my neck for dear life.
Nor could I imagine what they thought when they saw that I wasn't the only one. John tore along the path behind me, Applejack around his shoulders, whooping and hollering as if she was riding a bull at a rodeo. I can only guess that we got a few strange looks.
The rest of the guests proceeded at a leisurely pace. To the Crusaders, this meant a panic-inducing ride in Scootaloo's scooter. It was funny seeing her keeping pace with John and I. It made me wonder why none of them have their cutie marks, even though their talents are blatantly obvious.
We arrived at the farm panting, sweating... and hungry. But when we saw the spread that Pinkie had put on, we realised that our worries about Pinkie eating everything were misplaced, as the tables were groaning under the weight of pies, pastries and cakes.
"Oh good!" Ace called out as we approached the barn. "You made it. We thought for sure we'd have to eat all of this ourselves!"
"Yeah, yeah." John replied. "Not all of us have the benefit of motorised transport, Ace. Now shut up and gimme a pie and cider."
Ace laughed and motioned for John to help himself. Soon, he had a large pile of food, which he and Applejack took into the barn. His greed amazed me. He was like the human version of Pinkie Pie, minus the mile-a-minute talking and bubbly personality.
With everyone finally together, the party started.
***
Hours later, and the party was over. Most of the food had been eaten, but a lot still remained. I asked Pinkie what she would do with it, and she told me that there was a homeless shelter in Ponyville that could use the food more than she could.
"Because everypony deserves to eat." she told me.
I nodded and patted her shoulder, before looking around the party to survey the damage and casualties. Sure enough, everyone seemed to be either asleep, loved up... or unconscious.
Granny Smith was asleep in her chair, Big Macintosh was asleep next to an empty cider barrel, and the Crusaders were snoozing underneath the buffet table, a pile of uneaten sweets around them.
Fluttershy and Doctor Haywick were lying underneath a tree, the formers wings wrapped around the latter.
Above them, Rainbow Dash and Spark Plug were lying on a branch, the latter looking worryingly at the ground below. Dash laughed at his antics before wrapping a wing around him and holding him close, which seemed to relax him a bit.
Twilight was talking to Applejack, lecturing her on married life, and what to expect from it. I was going to feel sorry for AJ, but when I saw the sincere look of interest on her face, I realised she must have asked Twilight to speak to her. Because the Element of Honesty doesn't have a poker face.
Spike and Rarity were talking under the light of a lamp hung on the barn wall. Given that Spike couldn't drink hard cider, Rarity hadn't had a single drop. In return, Spike hadn't had a single cake, given that Rarity was on her latest diet. The fact that each of them was willing to do without to make the other happy showed me that their relationship had a lot of potential.
Suddenly, Spike covered his mouth with his hands. Rarity backed away slightly, and I walked over.
"Spike?" I asked. "You okay, big man?"
He nodded before belching out a bright green flame, which was closely followed by a scroll, which promptly hit me in the face and flopped onto the ground.
Spike laughed sheepishly as he picked it up and looked at it. He saw that it was addressed to Twilight and called her over.
"Twilight!" he shouted. "Letter for you from Princess Celestia!"
Twilight excused herself from Applejack and trotted over. She gave me a quick peck before taking the letter from Spike and reading it. As she did so, the colour drained from her face, and her mane suddenly became dishevelled.
"Oh, no, no, no!" she said. "It's too sudden! I need more time to prepare for something like this! I NEED TO STUDY!"
"What is it, babe?" I asked, my voice full of concern.
"Princess Celestia wants to see me." she replied.
"I gathered that." I said. "But why does she want to see you, and why has it gotten you so worked up? Hell, the last time I saw your mane like this, we had just finished fu—"
Twilight jammed a hoof into my mouth to shut me up, silencing my attempt to cheer her up with my wicked sense of humour.
"Princess Celestia wants me to report to Canterlot..." she sighed, "...because she has a test for me."
"Well that's not so bad." I said through the hoof in my mouth. "You're a natural at magic, Twi. You'll breeze through any test!"
She removed her hoof, wiping it on my t-shirt, before looking into my eyes. I stuck up both my thumbs and put on my best smile, hoping to relax her.
"I STILL NEED TO PREPARE!" she yelled, before teleporting herself away in a blaze of purple.
I groaned.
"I'd better go after her." I said to the others. "You know how she gets when this sort of thing happens."
"I'm coming with you!" Spike said.
I nodded to him, and after saying our goodbyes, we took off down the road to Ponyville. We both knew that Twilight would need help, and we were going to make sure that she got it.
Because what's the worst that can happen?
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Good start!!!
Just one thing...
Isn't AJ the element of Honesty??
1706973
Fixed.
1707369 It's okay we all make mistakes. Mine was going to work last night!!!
So, just to clarify, is this during or after Crimson's To Test Is Science?
1707389
I don't think it's canonical to his story at all, since we're doing different things. This story is set during Season Three of MLP, and each chapter is set during an episode.
Crimson's story... well, you've been reading it, so you know how good it is.
1707389
It's up to Geo whether or not it's Canon, but if it is, it would be set after To Test is Science. And the story after that is set after this.
Uh, is that spoilers? Sorry.
Great job friend you managed to break my adorable meter.
1708283
Because what's the worst that can happen?
I Learned that the Very Hard way...
Hmmm.... ya know I've seen a lot of the diffrent to x is human series yet I've never given it a try >w> I think its time for me to start my adventure!
Onwards to story 1 xDD
Let the epic adventure start
Let me gess... Crystal Empire
1708754 is this right after he gets out of his house arrest or did i miss the story where he gets out because i havent seen aces wedding or did you not write their wedding
1735245
Crimson Star wrote their wedding. Read this and you'll get it.
I should point out that if you haven't read this story, then To Test Is Science! might not make any sense.
you should never say this line
"what's the worst that can happen?" Death's ringtone for years.
OH GOD SPIKE!!!
GREAT STORY SO FAR.BTW PROPS TO YOU SIR!!!
Tests aren't so bad.....as long as they're multiple choice. *wink*
2054411 Exactly, when will people learn that saying those words is the cue for the universe to bitch slap you in face?
He said that line like 5 times already and i dont remember anything bad happening.
lol and a good chapter
gwahahahaha
3494039 all that means is it's going to get 5 times worse
Open your big mouth and Murphy's Law will kick your teeth in.
-The Character
CRAP BAD MURPHY'S LAW BAD
2054411 I think death just bought a new smart phone and recorded a contemplation of every time characters in stories and shows say that.