SF (canon species only; no humans) Ponies were magically and genetically engineered to be the perfect servitor race. They are powerful, adaptable, intelligent and completely under the control of their creators. A laboratory accident frees one such pony from her mental chains, but how can one mare save herself and the rest of her kind if she doesn't even know she's a slave?
This is not the Equestria you know and these are not your little ponies... not yet, anyway.
Tags: Adventure, Diamond Dogs, Gryphons, NO HUMANS (did I mention that already?)
Other tags: historical, mind control, Clarke's 3rd Law, excessive use of high energy physics, before they were famous.
Detailed review by PaulAsaran.
Cover art by endrome , used with permission.
Russian translation (partial -- 'unofficially' completed in the comments)
A Soot-Covered World, book 1.
firstcomment woot!
needs moar chaptorz
133715
I know, I know!
I've actually written the first six chapters, but my self editing is quite paranoid (and my second prereader appears to be a little sluggish). As soon as I get those comments (and assuming nothing major) I'll put up CH02, with CH03 a week or so after that.
Thanks for reading!
Ch02 is up. Two minor edits on Ch01: explanation on what a 'length' is (it's the body length of a typical Master) and an extra sentence right at the very end to give it a better finish.
This is definitely an interesting take... I am quite curious to see where this continues to go.
How did a story like this go unnoticed for so long? And then show up on EqD out of nowhere!? Looking promising so far, I like the premise, and the dialogue definitely seems to fit. Keep up the good work!
I really hope that "Ch 2 (v49)" doesn't mean version 49... that's a lot of editing...
It looks interesting. Very interesting actually. I can't read it now, but i will certainly later. I'll try to write a review or something then.
^ This. Pretty much what I was going to say.
This sounds very interesting, you have my attention.
Okay, just going from the tags and description, I am definately going to read this. You know why? Because this is exactly the sort of backstory I came up with in my head the first time I ever saw the show.
What? My first episode was Winter Wrap Up, and when Twilight said that the town was founded by Earth Ponies, I (being completely ignorant of the terminology at the time) thought "ponies from Earth? wait... are these cartoon ponies the results of human experimentation in the far future that somehow got out of control and replaced humans, then settled down somewhere else?" I kid you not. That was my thought process. Then I saw the rest of the episode and facepalmed myself.
Very interesting story... I thought it'd be humans MAKING the ponies, but it's actually Diamond Dogs, as far as I know. Oddly enough, my heart was kinda constricted when I read this... meh, must mean that this is a good fanfiction...
Very interesting... I find that I cannot wait to see what happened to Cele... I mean Fusion Pulse...
I love the clever names
Tracking this. Giving it a read because it seems right up my alley.
Holy fuck this is unique. Please please please please update.
Seems like 1984 kinda... They're obsessed with the Masters...
"...how can one mare save herself and the rest of her kind if she doesn't even know she's a slave?"
Oddly, that line reminds me of the Geth in Mass Effect. Or at least from the backstory we got on them in ME3.
Atom And Evil - Heaven And Hell
It is fantastic going from reading Fallout: Equestria fanfics to this. A perfect before story. Love the fine detail and skill in relating it, keep up the good work!
The Diamond Dogs deserve whatever's coming to them. What kind of idiot makes a nuclear device capable of feeling pain?
Wow!
You did a wonderful job setting up the universe, its people and technology.
I loved the political hints in this chapter, the setting goes well beyond cookie-cutter fantasy.
As I am already waiting for Ponies make war, Total War Equestria, New Beginnings and Misfit to update, I promised myself I wouldn't start another uncompleted story.
I was too weak, and now I must add this one to the list of story I am eagerly awaiting updates for. And from the look of it, the story has barely started...
Damn you Luna-tic Scientist, damn you!
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Yep, 49 separate editing passes on chapter 2. The others only have lower counts because I re-partitioned everything after that and reset the counters...
I may be a little over paranoid when it comes to proof reading.
To everyone else: thanks for your comments and thank you for reading! Next chapter should be ready for this weekend.
526190 Haha, I knew I couldn't have been the only one to realize that about Fusion and Gravity.
I wonder if they ever will rebel against the Masters?
Yay! She lived! Obviously.
And now shit's about to get real.
548420
Bloody hell, that was quick!
You don't know how tempted I was to post a 'Brazil' ending (hero dies, totalitarian state continues without a hitch).
548464
Yeah but it's Celestia's background story, so of course she and Luna live. Although that carries unsettling implications for the rest of her people. But, I was convinced you'd go the Frankenstein route and have them revive her, and in the process kill off the mind-control conditioning. Whatever works!
548464
This is turning out pretty good. I've already formed opinions on what will happen, and the ending of this story, so I can't wait to see more chapters to see if I'm right or wrong....
Now all I have to do is wait a little longer for Chapter 6 :(
Way to
! 
!
style!
Loved the thaumic pulse bomb, I suppose the equivalent of a EMP here, science keeps coming
Now we have a new (secondary?) character.
Starting this far from the the MLP story, you could probably create origins for the oddest things in the series. Just saying!
PS.:first time using the MLP emoticons. Don't kill me if I misused them.
548655
Heh, I started writing this as part of NaPoWriMo back in september last year, before the end of S1. I've been pleasantly surprised how easily I've been able to build the show's changes into my version of the world. That's actually one of the things that makes this so much fun; that flash of insight....
Hmmm, Changelings, I wonder - they would be perfect for [REDACTED BY HIVE SECURITY].
New stuff in the show has actually made writing this easier.
548568
Thanks!
Based on my current writing rate (~1000-2000 words a week, as well as all the proofreading) it will be sometime in June.
It's a long time but unfortunately I have to work for a living
. On the plus side I do get to do science!
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...and I've just worked out how to do multiple replies!
I sympathise (but I'm not sorry!). At last count my 'mlp_incomplete' folder contained 35 fics, including a few that died after only a chapter or two.
wow. I have no words for how great this has been so far, it's not even MLP, it's a brand new kind of sci-fi loosely based of MLP and I love it.
Wow, very interesting premise, will be reading more.
"Plasma Cascade, her cream coat and red mane appearing to catch fire in the light of sunset"
cream coat and red mane? wait a second... Fusion's mother is pony Lauren Faust!
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Thanks! I am curious though - what makes it 'not MLP' for you? It was written with the non pony fan in mind (I'm carrying out a single blind study on one of my pre-readers - he still doesn't know he's reading a pony fanfic...), but it is intended to be a prehistory story, so will end up at some point in Equestria's recorded history eventually...although I'll have to skip a century here or there.
553641
Thanks, glad you're enjoying it!
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You got me there! That was one of two clues I embedded in chapter one to let you guess the identity of Fusion...glad at least one person got it!
558418
For me it's as if you've created an entirely new series based loosely in the past of the alicorns. Celestia isn't Celestia but rather fusion, ditto with Luna. It's also a lot more deeper then the cannon show, and contains darker subjects like mind control, morality ect. It's pretty awesome.
That and I don't currently see how you could possibly link the story'es present to the currant show, I do however eagerly anticipate however you do it.
558474
Fair point, although what's in a name...
Not sure I agree on the level of 'darkness' though; the show has plenty of 'dark' even without over analysis (eg the recurrent theme of insanity/ mental breakdown, Celestia having to banish her own sister etc).
558578
Fair enough, but it is kind of presented in a child friendly way. But your right.
Very well then, I'd say your fic is a lot more 'out in the open' in that the reader can see it easier.
Uuuuh... Okay, after the second ===, Kord becomes Korn. Is this because they are 2 diff dogs? Or is it just an accident?
Nooo! NOOO~! Why would you stop here! I need the next chapter~!
scranton.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw4496-BVqwB.gif
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.
Well spotted! Fixed that typo; I'll now go and hang myself in shame, just after I shoot my prereaders.
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Sorry about that (not really!). I do tend towards 'cliffhanger' or 'ominous foreboding' chapter endings
561408
My editing/proofreading powers go beyond time and space~! I'm just that awesome.
And we see the first time Fusion/Celestia taps into the power of the Sun. And when she realizes she is the sun, she changes her name accordingly. It only remains to be seen what circumstances allow Gravity/Luna to do the same, and how they wield the power of their new namesakes to destroy the Masters and/or survive a coming cataclysm. (And how it ties into the title with one of the sisters being Wasp and the other being Spider; it's literally too early to tell which could be which.)
548464 If you make a 'Brazil' ending I don't think I will forgive you. I hated that movie. That is one plot device that to me is unforgivable.
548655 550966 This is a great idea. You literally have all the creative license here. And the word Redacted is just awesome. (I've only ever seen it used in The Methods of Rationality and Portal 2.)
558418 That would be a fascinating blind study. What does your (poor/lucky) proofreader think of the tale you're spinning?
550966
! They're all similar and can disguise as other ponies! Perfect Clone army/Gestapo!
[SPOILER ALERT?]
Labour Hive <=> Changeling's Hive.
Can't believeeee it took me this long
The thing is, how to map to this AU their parasitical need for love? Maybe as a secret mass-control/pony-war-like psychological warfare weapon?
The possibilities are endless!
561656
Yes, things will get worse before they get better. There are several large scale tragedies coming, only one of which is obvious at this point. I won't confirm or deny the rest of your speculation, but have you considered that [REDACTED] might [REDACTED]?
Fortunately he's really enjoying it. As with most experiments there is a down side - at some point he's going to figure it out (hell, all he has to do is google the name and he'll end up either here or EqD), at which point my cover is well and truly blown. I expect him to bring it up in the staff canteen with the rest of my work colleagues.
That will make for an interesting lunch!
Brazil is a horrible, fantastic and depressing movie. I saw it maybe fifteen years ago and have not seen it since. I can still remember large chunks of it.
561886
No comment, but an interesting thought...
561656
I've always thought the name "Celestia" was an anomaly in FiM. It's not symmetrical with Luna, and its derivation is obscure. My personal pet theory is that she was "Sola" when she first ruled alongside Luna. Then, after the Nightmare Moon incident she took control of both the day and night skies -- the entire celestial sphere, as it were -- and renamed herself Celestia.
But that's just me.
Getting back to this story..... It's very imaginative, and I like what you're doing with it. I've got to say it's not the most accessible prose. There's so much jargon and unfamiliar names and concepts, it's a bit of a difficult read as compared with most stuff on this site.
569228
Hmmm, there's not much I can do about the names or concepts, but I didn't think I was too bad for jargon. I had this discussion with one of my prereaders; he was perfectly OK with 'scramming' (emergency shutdown of a nuclear reactor) but didn't know 'primaries' (the big flight feathers on a bird's wing).
I'm trying to walk the line between explaining everything (which as a reader I always find slightly patronising) and hints too vague to be understood without specialist knowledge. Do you have any examples of passages that you think are particularly heavy going?
Interesting theory on Celestia's name BTW, although I suspect Luna would be a bit annoyed by the implications when she returns...
Alright, took too long but finally got around to reading the rest of this past chapter 2.
My verdict? Holy crap this is awesome! I cannot wait to read more!
I'm guessing that Celestia's extra magical moment broke her conditioning...chip? Brainwashing?
I'm getting a slight Tripods vibe from the Church and the Blessing... And that's a compliment, of course!
Very intriguing story, so far!
Just wanted to say that... it's June!!!
Already!!! I know you (the writer) didn't promised nothing, but I wanted you to know ... we are waiting.
685711
The Queen's Diamond jubilee long weekend has been typical UK holiday weather, ie rain (only more so as we had two days off). On the plus side I did finish the chapter!
669789
Tripods?! That is old-school SF, it's been years since I read those books (I see what you mean though, there's nothing new under the sun!). Glad you're enjoying it.
More generally: is there a trick to getting the email notification working? I get mails for direct replies, but nothing for new comments.
Love this story