A Sophisticated Mare

by Twilicorn

First Correspondances

Rewritten as of 12:21 PM MST 11/22/2012

Applejack stared blankly at her aunt, head tilted just a bit. Her aunt caringly tilted her head back to a straightened position, then nodded sharply.

"You will be receiving a penpal. Your tutor suggested that once a mare reaches the age of fourteen, they receive a correspondent with which they can discuss matters. I have no idea who it is, but her tutor is quite eager for you two to begin. She already sent her first letter, so enjoy it. Write back promptly, and use your best mouthwriting!" Aunt Orange waved at Applejack before shutting the bedroom door behind her, leaving Applejack to stare at the thin envelope.

Shaking her head, she pulled it open with a sharp jerk of her teeth and let it unfold. Her eyes scanned over it once, then another time.

Dear Applejack,

Hey! I'm Rainbow Dash, but you can call me Dash. I'm fourteen, just like you, but I live in Cloudsdale. I'm the coolest mare around, and I bet you know why. I performed the first Sonic Rainboom known to ponykind!

I'm not much of a writer, but since this is supposed to be an introduction of me, I'll tell you about myself. I have a rainbow mane, but don't get any assumptions about that. My coat is light blue, and my cutie mark is a cloud with a tri-colored lightning bolt. I'm pretty athletic, and I love to fly. I practice all the time with my group.

My tutor is pretty awesome, his name is Quills. He's kind of batty though, with this whole penpal idea. No offense to you, of course! I sent a picture of myself, and it cost a ton, but enjoy, 'kay? Maybe you can hang it in your room somewhere or something.

The coolest,
Rainbow Dash

Applejack froze after the first paragraph, and her eyes became a bit glazed as she slipped into a daydream.

Applejack stared out the window, the last bit of warmth from Celestia's sun caressing her face. Applejack ignored it, her eyes focused on the last remains of rainbow glimmering in the sky. At the very end, in the far distance, was her home. She could barely see the acres upon acres of apple orchards, and she was hit with a pang of homesickness as she realized just how far from home she really was. As the rainbow faded, only the last traces of red remaining, she was hit with an idea.

'I can leave,' she thought, a small smile coming to her lips. 'I can leave!'

She leaped from her perch and grabbed the small suitcase under her bed. She hastened to open it and began to shove in various odds and ends rapidly. As she clicked the suitcase shut, she heard her door creak open. She turned, hoping to see her aunt, and was instead greeted with the cold face of her uncle.

"Hello, Applejack," he hissed, his voice low and cold. "What are you doing?"

Applejack remained in her position, frozen in fear.

"I asked you a question, you insolent foal! What are you doing?" he roared, stepping menacingly towards her.

"Ah—I'm going home, sir," rasped Applejack quietly, and Uncle Orange raised an eyebrow with a smirk.

"You think you can simply get up and leave? Like you did to your old family?"

"I—"

"You CAN'T!" he screamed, slapping her across the face with a rough hoof. She stumbled back, tripping over her suitcase and hitting the back of her head on the wall. "You are OURS! You can NEVER LEAVE!" he spat into her face, and a single saying came to mind.

'Say it, don't spray it,' she thought with a small chuckle, and the hint of a smile returned to her face.

"You find this FUNNY? Maybe you'll find staying here with no food for the next two days FUNNY too!" he growled, enunciating his point with another slap to the face. Applejack whimpered as he turned and stomped away, slamming the door behind himself. She curled into a small ball, pressed into the corner of the room, and let herself sob.

Applejack shook her head, chasing the memory away, then turned back to the letter. She pulled herself from her bed, her braid trailing her as she opened her desk drawer and sat down. She took a seat, took the rather disgusting tasting quill into her mouth, and began to write.

'How do I start? I suppose the way most letters do.' Her thought process wandered as she scrawled, and when she was done, she was proud of it.

Dearest Rainbow Dash,

How are you now? I am quite well myself, despite the heat. I suppose for you Cloudsdalers, the weather here would be normal, but for us it is quite warm. I miss the warmth of Ponyville, but Manehattan is a beautiful place.

I am a highly refined mare, or at least my aunt says I should be. I have a orange coat a bit out of place here in town, but my blonde hair is a star amongst dinner parties. My cutie mark is three oranges, taking after the Orange Family tradition. I live with my aunt and uncle in a beautiful home, attending dinner parties nearly every evening.

My tutor is Sir Borealis, an astrologer at heart. He's amazing, and we enjoy many nights out gazing at the stars. I'm sure you'd enjoy him, since you both share a fascination for the skies.

I'm eager to meet you one day, but for now, take my best wishes.

Applejack

Applejack bit her lip as she looked over the letter, the lies that filled it stabbing her heart. Her cutie mark was naught but a fake, tattoed to her flank after she had failed to receive her cutie mark by her tenth birthday. Despite that, she had merely stretched the truth in some places. Sealing the letter and stamping it with orange wax, she gave it a final glance before copying the addresses from Rainbow Dash's letter across it and carrying it down the stairs.

Ignoring the fact that the house was empty, she dropped it in the mailbox outside. Returning indoors, she suddenly realized something.

"Where is everypony?"

---

A/N: I need some assistance. I have a few ideas for story archs to put in this, but I need some assistance. Please note me if you can help!

Comments

[Lucas]

By any chance you have read "Lost Apples"? A very close in thought work, but takes it in a different spin.

[Tchernobog]

Speed of light? A bit silly
But yay, you expanded on this! Can't wait to see what else you have planned for it :)
edit: it could use a tad more description, when Dash breaks the speed of light. It seems like she does it, then she's suddenly accosted by the unicorn, and we're told what happen. Could use more of Dash's reaction, her thoughts to what's happening, and some directional input. As in, if she's going down, why isn't she a crater in the ground? Or any direction, she'd be really far away at that speed XD
(sorry for attempting to poke holes in this!)

[A. Tuesday]

A few things:

First, its Manehattan, not Canterlot, where Applejack's aunt and uncle are. (also, shortly before the memory, you referred to AJ's uncle as her father. might want to fix.)

Second, I think this story should've started at an earlier point, perhaps when Applejack writes RD for the first time. You thrust us right into it, which is alright, but it would mean more to the reader if they got to experience the love between them grow and gain more symptahy for Applejack as they observe her living conditions. You could use this time to really up the story development, and then you'd REALLY have a yarn to spin. start the story waayy before the show, at the very least.

Third, SWEET CELESTIA, SPEED. You need to slow down in your writing, give the readers time to breathe. It adds a bit more drama and is better writing-wise. It also gives the reader time to really get into the story, instead of whizzing by them faster than they can comprehend.

Overall, 4.5/5 concept but 3/5 execution. I'd recommend getting a pre-reader or an editor, because while this story is flawed, it could turn out ridiculously well. I'll give it a track, because I AM very interested to see where this goes, but I'm not going to give it any sort of vote yet. Keep at it, bucko!

[Tchernobog]

1662887
This. Admittedly, the first half is for a game where one writes 500 words for a prompt, so it was a quick expansion on that, but the idea and concept is sound, just needs somewhat more work!

[Twilicorn]

Thank you everypony! Like most of my stories, I end up rewriting the first chapter a lot. Hopefully by the end of today, this will be rewritten to a better standpoint. I like your idea of starting with the first letters, since I tend not to start at the beginning at all.

[Yasturo]

"Call me," was scrawled in a myriad of colors. "1-800-I'm Yours. Or meet me after the show backstage. You can join me for dinner."

THE YELLOW! IT BURNSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

You have no idea how hard it was to quote that... The writing was okay but the colors... IT TOOK TO LONG

[Jackie]

Yes! It has begun!

[Twilicorn]

1663737
I was waiting for someone to say something.

[Yasturo]

1663975 W-w-what happened to the other chapter...

[Twilicorn]

1664158
I rewrote it

[Yasturo]

So... Now my other comment looks like a random thing... Lovely...

[Twilicorn]

1664191
Nah...
not much xD

[Dragon Master Spike]

YEESSSS!!!!! I've been waiting for someone to approach an Appledash from this angle. God speed in your writing.

[Sepron7]

Ummm... Just so ya know, Aunt and Uncle Orange live in Manehatten, not Canterlot... But other than that, pretty good!

[Twilicorn]

1667738
I knew they lived somewhere fancy

[DbzOrDie]

Finally got around to reading this and now I want more.
That damn uncle Orange

[OtterMatt]

Interesting... Very interesting...
I'm apparently getting to this post-rewrite, and while this chapter has rough spots and is quite short, I can see a whole world of potential in it. Angst, pathos, empathy—you have the building blocks of a solid emotional piece.

If you still want/need help putting it together, I may just be available for editing/prereading. Please feel free to check out my work to see if you think I can help you out, and my PM box is always open.

[DbzOrDie]

write moar

[Frenchiegurl03]

I'd love to see Apllejack slowly but surely telling Dash what her Uncle did/does and Dash encouraging her to get out.

[Jackie]

Hey! And *gasp!* You changed it! If you need any help (mostly for editing) let me know

[Drifting Heart]

Applejack wouldn't mind if i don't know KILL HER FREAKIN UNCLE! ugh i hated that guy even if he had a short scene in the show he still gave off that i am a rich douchebag vibe.Rainbow save Applejack and give uncle orange what he deserves.

[Coco-loco]

i havent read it yet so i probally shouldnt say anything but in the description thing it says aunt and uncle orange then u call applejack their daughter so which is it?

[Twilicorn]

2628275
that'll be explained later, it's actually a fun story.

[Coco-loco]

2635332

now im have got to read. so interested.

[Sea_Swirl]

Are you still working on this?

[Randompersononline134]

Liked where the story was going, hope it gets continued