Halo man in Equestria 2: Return of the Humps

by Good Christian Ethesto

Halo party

You should hump them all; You MUST hump them all.

Now, I feel I should explain a thing or two about halo parties, because these aint no ordinary-human parties. Halos were born to party, and when it comes to parties we don't take "no" for an answer. Partying is in our blood. I mean that in the most literal of ways. A lot of halos literally explode with confetti and party noises when they die.

With that said, it's of little surprise that Sugarcube Corner had, in mere moments, transformed from a normal bakery to the most hip-hoppinist, clip-cloppinist party Ponyville had ever seen. My halo clones were twerking left and right, showing off their meaty thighs, packed to the brim with muscles from the humping of countless friends and foes alike. I joined in on the fun, shaking my ass like it was grass. Or, wait, not like grass at all. More like a rattlesnake.

Needless to say we were all having a gay ol' time. Who would have ever thought this many halos could be together in one place without slaughtering each other? It truly was a Christmas Miracle.

I was having a great time, and literally nothing could ever possibly happen to make this not the best day of my life. I mean, what could possibly be better than a bunch of me? Each as sexy as the last, and with the best personality ever.

"Hump," said a nearby halo, eliciting a few nods of agreement from other halos. I couldn't help but whole-heartedly agree, giving him a thumbs up.

"Hump indeed," I could feel my visor twisting into a grotesque facsimile of a smile, my heart was filled with so much sunshine, sunshine. Never had I felt this overjoyed. I was finally among those who understood me, those who I could truly call my family. Those little shit kids I raised never made me feel like this, and neither did Ridley, that bitch. Perhaps coming to Ponyville and doing all this stuff was worth it if this was the reward.

Just then, a fat blue pony wobbled its way into the room, looking insanely confused. Damn, I'd never seen such a fat pony before. I didn't even know they could get that fat! It's like that pony had birthed twins, fed them diabetes-inducing amounts of pastries until they were overweight, and then devoured them, absorbing their fat into itself. What I would do next was necessary, as my amazing brain was already working on a really hilarious insult for the fat pony. The other halos would love it. I opened my mouth to say it, when one of the other halos decided to flap his yap.

"Hey, have you ever heard of slim fast?" The fat pony looked pretty upset and it jiggled its way up the stairs like a fat cat, crying the whole way.

But more importantly, that was gonna be my joke! All the other halos laughed, reveling in joy at the obese pony's expense. Those laughs were supposed to be for me! This was getting way out of hand, I had to handle this halo style. I walked up to my clone who had said the joke and poked him right in the chest, getting up in his visor like 'what?'.

"What do you think you're doing?" I spat, the chestnut musk of my breath misting up his visor.

"Just doing halo things," he replied back, much too casually for my tastes.

"I'm the one around here who's supposed to be doing those halo things, so you'd best back off."

He didn't look convinced though. "I'll keep doing halo things whether you like it or not," he replied, spraying venom onto my visor with his halo fangs like a king cobra. My teeth grit as he met my glare with one of his own. Who did this cocky bastard think he was? I wasn't gonna let him just come in here and disrespect me, no way. I'd show this idiot who's boss.

Pinkie Pie seemed to sense the growing tension in the air, or perhaps she just noticed the party had stopped and the two of us were face-to-face. Either way, she felt fit to butt in, not wanting a fight to break out at her party. A noble intention, but she should have realized that this was no ordinary-human party, and if this guy was being an asshole, I would fight him.

"Hey now, no need to get all frowny-wowny," she looked around briefly, trying to spot something to redirect our attention to. Very clever Pinkie, but not nearly as clever as a halo. "How about some punch?!" She pointed to the half-full bowl of purple liquid, smiling so wide, her pearly-whites looked like Moby Dick.

What a good idea, Pinkie. Without a seconds' hesitation I flung my mighty fist forward, pushing through the atmosphere as though the air was naught but warm butter, and hit the other halo right in the noggin. His shield let out a bright flash as it barely managed to block the titanic punch, and he was quick to throw a punch of his own. Such is the custom for halo fights, and I took the punch straight to the face like a champ, my magical shields just as easily blocking his strike. This was a fight he simply couldn't win, however, as I'd gotten the first punch. before he could punch me a second time, I followed through with my left arm, striking him right in the fucking dick.

He let out a grunt of pain as his internal organs were shifted counter clockwise in his body, and he fell to the ground, 100% genuine dead, a pool of glitter and streamers forming around him. I stood over his corpse for a moment, reveling in the sweet taste of another murder well done, before moving forward to simultaneously honor and dishonor his corpse. I rubbed my halo crotch all over his nice, clean armor with practiced movements in a humiliating display. At the same time, I know it's what he would have wanted.

After a moderately-long session, I stood back to my full, impressive height, gazing at the rest of the halos gathered 'round. Most of them didn't look too impressed, and had stopped partying altogether to watch the brief fight.

After a moment, one of them spoke up, pointing right at me. "That ass wombat just murdered one of my halo clones. What a massive dick." I'll show him a massive dick! Wait, his clone? I'm the original Halo man. Me!

"Hey, you're all my clones. I'll do whatever I want because, as clones, none of you have souls while I do." That'll show 'em who's boss.

"Bullshit," spouted another Halo, unfortunately naive despite being my clone. "I'm the real, original, genuine Halo man. I go pee standing up, and I tell lots of jokes."

Now, I couldn't just sit here and let all these halos think for even one second that I'm not superior to them in every way. No sir, not on my watch. Something had to be done. Something drastic. Without a second thought, I pulled out my little green alien gun, pointing it right at the offending halo. The other halos instantly stopped their rambunctiousness as they saw my weapon, each of them grabbing their own green alien gun and pointing it randomly around the room.

Most eyes were on me as I glared at the halo in my sights, daring him to say something stupid. "You blasphemous little slut, I'm the real halo man, not you. You're all just my clones." Unfortunately, despite the truth unspooling from my face, the other halos didn't stand down. Clearly their clone brains were malfunctioning or something. Hell, I don't know. I'm no mathmagician.

Then I got an ultimate idea. The one way to settle this once and for all. It was a foolproof plan, one that had worked perfectly in the past. I couldn't help but sound a little smug as I opened my mouth to share it with the others. "Will the real Halo man please stand up?" Unfortunately, we all remained standing. "I repeat, will the real Halo man please stand up?"

Now that I think about it, that's never worked in the past... I guess it wasn't such a great idea after all. No matter, I'd just use my intelligent words to win their trust over. We're all intelligent halos, after all. Surely they can see that fighting will get us nowhere.

"I'm the real Halo man," said one of the other halos. I instantly turned and scowled at him, as did every other halo in the room and, in a moment, over a dozen lasers were aimed at him.

"U wot m8?" Growled a clone, clearly as unhappy with this lie-spitting rat as I was.

"You take that back right this second," I ordered. Unfortunately, my commanding presence did little to sway his simple mind. Clearly that halo had been lost to insanity already. Such a shame. Before I could even consider how best to put him down, another halo piped up.

"I'm Halo man. The rest of ya'll are dingus-brained clones. Get on my lvl." Well he sure as hell isn't the real Halo man, I'd never say anything that stupid.

"If you're Halo man, why is that what I am?" Asked another halo. "Checkmate atheists." Bitch please, I'm no atheist.

Now this was just getting ridiculous. None of these guys were the real Halo man yet they were all too blind to see it. Well, I wasn't about to let this sacrilege against my good name go unpunished. I charged my alien laser, the tip glowing green with deadly alien magic as I aimed it willy nilly into the room.

"The next one of you mother fudgecups that tries to claim you're me is getting an EMPeepee punch, or your money back!" I threatened. The whole room quieted down for a moment. Clearly my intimidating presence was too much for these-

"I'm the real Halo man," one said. With reflexes comparable to a cheetah infused with lightning superpowers(from putting a fork into a power outlet) I turned and fired my laser. The green ball of magic sprung out with all the fury of a honey badger, smacking the offending halo right in the jaw. Before he could even apologize for his blasphemous tongue and atone for his sins, I lunged forward, my fist red-hot with halo rage, and I punched him in the peepeetube. Such is my specialty, after all.

He let out a grunt, and confetti sprung from his body as he collapsed to the ground, thoroughly dead. I brushed my hands clean of filth, reveling in another job-well-done. Unfortunately, I couldn't even take a moment to hump the body before another halo decided to butt in.

"That'll serve him right for thinking he was the real Halo man. That's what I am, after all."

"No way, I'm halo man, you liar. I'll kill you!" Yelled another as he jumped at him, the two halos engaging in a brutal fist fight. Within seconds the entire room erupted in a massive brawl as each halo claimed they were me. I saw Pinkie Pie, who had utterly failed to stop the fight, evacuate the premise through a closed window. Good thing too, since none of the halos seemed to be holding back.

The air filled with alien lasers, burning holes in the walls and ceiling, and some halos even elected to pull out their DMR's, pumping led into each other from point-blank. Most chose to simply use punches, though, as we were all packed into the tiny building. I quickly leapt into the heat of things, smacking a halo in the back while he was busy fighting others and instantly killing him. Everybody knows magical halo shields don't work against knifes or punches form behind.

The air filled with confetti and lasers and bullets and smoke, bodies littering the floor. Now this was a true halo party! I was having such a great time, it took me a second to realize what I was seeing as a glowing blue ball dropped to the ground. It seemed one of the halos got smart enough to use his grenades. Good for him!

It took me about .2 seconds to realize the implications of this, as at least a dozen inactive alien grenades lay across the floor. My eyes widened, knowing all too well what would come next, and I dove to the ground, managing to hide behind a partially-destroyed table.

Then Sugarcube Corner detonated in a blueberry explosion.

Comments

[SouthernmostDogs]

This. This is the best story on the site. There is nothing that can compare to it.

[Hoarfrost Skylord]

Dat cover picture...XD

[Chad]

4374358
Look up Raptor-tastic on fimfiction, then say that again.