Halo man in Equestria 2: Return of the Humps

by Good Christian Ethesto

Army of Halos

In space, no one can hear you hump.

The cave only seemed to have one path, and the ceiling was high enough for me to barely squeeze through, so I was able to maneuver through it easy enough even with my unhelpful guide. She didn't seem too excited about venturing into the cave for whatever reason, but I didn't care. All I wanted was to make clones of me and have lots of fun. I can already imagine it... Me and my clones doing all kinds of activities together.

We could play board games, and fly kites, and pet kittens. Maybe we could even get kinky when no one is watching. Or maybe even when others are watching, since that just makes it even kinkier.

With my thoughts focused on the future self-cest I would likely participate in, I didn't notice a small root jutting out of the wall at the perfect height to trip me. It was pretty dark in there, so there's my excuse. Anyway, my big halo foot caught on the root and I fell forward, tumbling down the suddenly steep path into a larger chamber where I collided with a rather large rock. I sat there in a tangled mess of my own limbs, slightly dazed, when Pinkie Pie trotted up in front of me.

"You gotta watch out for those roots," she said. That might have been helpful like fifteen seconds earlier. I stood up, cracking my back and shaking away the dizziness before giving Pinkie a stern gaze. She didn't seem particularly affected by this, though, and just continued talking. "Alright, we've seen the cave, now we can go back to Ponyville." She finished by giving a huge smile.

She smiles all the time, but something felt different this time. It almost seemed forced. I rubbed a gauntlet across my halo chin as I examined her with utmost scrutiny. "You're acting kinda funny."

"Funny?" She asked. "Like 'haha' funny, or funny looking?"

Then it came to me. Her unhelpful attitude, the way she keep stalling for time, and the beads of sweat appearing on her forehead as she continued her awkward smile. She was trying to distract me! But why? I narrowed my gaze at her, now onto her games. "What are you playing at?"

"Playing? I'm not playing anything. We could play a game though, that sounds like fun, right? Yeah, let's play a game," she finished that statement by pulling an entire board game out of her tail, already fully set up and ready to be played. She tossed a pair of dice down, before moving a little pony figurine across the board. "Now it's your turn!"

I continued looking at her, crossing my arms to further get my irritation across to her. I could tell it was working by the sweat that was now flowing down her face like a tiny, sweaty, pony version of Niagara Falls. "You're up to something, I know you are. You keep trying to stall me or something! Why?"

She bit her lip and turned away, refusing to make eye contact. I decided to press the issue, seeing as she seemed pretty reluctant to answer any of my questions in a non-subject-changing way. "I want to make clones of myself, and you're the only one here who knows how. So are you going to help me?"

"Pshhh, who needs clones anyway?" She waved her hoof through the air, as though swatting away such foolish ideas. "You know, I bet if we go back to Ponyville we can throw a party or something." Now she was blatantly changing the subject, and I didn't like it.

"You don't want me to make clones?" I asked.

"Ummm. Well, you see..." She finally sighed before going into a high speed explanation of her actions. "Twilight told me not to make any more clones because last time they caused a big problem and that's why she covered the cave up with a rock and I'll get in trouble if I help you and she murdered all my other clones with magic laserrrrrs!" As she finished her explanation tears began streaming down her face. "I don't want her to kill all the halo man clones too!" She sniffled.

Now I felt bad. I didn't want to make her cry. I reached down and comforted her in the only way I knew how, the same way I comforted all my lady friends. I lifted up her cheek and planted a kiss right on her pony lips. I even used a little bit of tongue. After a few seconds I pulled away, seeing Pinkie staring at me with wide eyes. She wasn't crying anymore, though, so mission successful. "Twilight won't kill my clones, Pinkie," I reassured her.

She didn't seem capable of forming a proper rebuttal at the moment as her mouth was flopping open and closed like a salmon on international flop day. "But, but... But Twilight-"

I interrupted her by placing a finger against her lips. I decided I'd need to do a better job convincing her to help me, so I made something up. "Besides, I'm supposed to be protecting Ponytown or some shit like that. If there are a bunch of me I'll be able to deal with anything super easily." It was sounds logic, so it's of little surprise that Pinkie nodded her head.

"I guess you're right. I have been being a real silly pony."

"Yes, well, that's all in the past," I waved it off, not caring to dwell on the subject. All I cared about at the moment was making more halos. Come to think of it, isn't that what all halos strive for? To reproduce. Bah, that's a query for another time.

Now that I had the chance, I was finally able to examine to pool. It really was lackluster in every way. Here I was expecting some grand, magical, cloning pool with test tubes and a little waterfall, and maybe even a few pixies, but all I get is a bland old pool. I wouldn't even be able to see it, or anything else in this dark cave, if it weren't for the magical, blue, glowing plants growing on the walls and ceiling of the chamber.

"This is it?" I asked, now slightly skeptical. It just now occurred to me that Pinkie Pie could be hardcore trollin' me here.

"Yep!" She responded with as much vigor as ever before hopping over and looking into the pool.

"How exactly does it work?" I questioned as I stepped up beside her, seeing my reflection perfectly in the still water.

"You just look into the water and say the magic words, then a clone will appear."

Well that's just great, now there are magic words? What's next? Am I going to have to acquire an ancient magical weapon and slay a dragon? Bungie-forbid the 'magic words' are something cheesy. "What magic words?"

It looked like she was about to say, but then she caught herself. Instead she replied with a simple, "It just has to rhyme".

Rhymes eh? Will that is much simpler than I thought. Thankfully, I'm well endowed when it comes to rhyming. Growing up on the harsh streets of Reach taught me a thing or two about rap. Knowing how to rap is a lot like knowing how to ride a bike, you never forget. That is assuming you're an elephant with a perfect memory, of course.

Luckily, I knew some of the most amazing rhymes ever invented, and I recited them with perfect rhythm as I stared into the pool.

If my eyes weren't firmly locked within the confines of my visor, they likely would have tumbled out onto the floor as suddenly a perfect clone of me crawled out of the pool. That would have been the second time my balls have dropped, if you catch my drift wood. Either way, I was left speechless as the purple halo pulled himself up on dry land and stood up to look me in the visor.

"Humps," he stated simply. My smile lit up and I instantly knew I liked this guy. No doubt me and him had a lot in common. He is my twin after all.

"Humps!" I replied, giving him a high five. This was likely one of the happiest moments of my life. I always thought the world would be a lot better if there were just more of me in it. Then I remembered that I had no intention of stopping at just one clone.

The ponies had best prepare their anuses, for halos are coming...

--

The ponies of Ponyville went about their day in complete bliss. Despite living right next to the Everfree forest, and suffering countless magical and natural disasters, the residents went on with their lives as though nothing could ever possibly go wrong. Why should they fear? It was a beautiful day, and everyone knows nothing bad happens on such beautiful days.

Then, as if to spite them for their foolish beliefs, the ground started to rumble. It was quiet at first, and the ponies had to raise their heads and flick their ears from side to side to hear where it was coming from. Of course, it wasn't long 'til the sound was much louder and they were able to see the cloud of dust being kicked up by mine and the other halos' feet. We were legion, numbering over fifty strong. Never before has such a mighty force been assembled.

Over fifty halos, all ready to hump at a moments notice. Truly humans and aliens alike should be shaking in their boots. I ran at the head of the crowd, eager to get to Ponyville to see the ponies reactions to such a terrifying army. Despite the raw power of my clones and I, Pinkie Pie ran along side me at the front of the pack with a massive smile on her face. I told her that she could throw us all a massive party once we got back to town, something she seemed infinitely happy about. She may be kinda annoying some times, but she knows how to throw a good party.

Once we got close, the ponies crowding the streets were finally able to hear our battle chant; "Humps. Humps. Humps." It was glorious, and I could practically taste the wonder radiating from their massive eyes. We slowed down as we got into town, now having almost every single ponies' attention. Naturally, this meant that purple pone, AKA Twilight was present along with the mayor. The two of them shared a concerned look, before Twilight stepped forward a bit, intercepting me in the middle of the street.

"What's going on here?" She questioned, before looking at Pinkie Pie. The answer must've been obvious given how she narrowed her eyes at the pink pony. "I thought I told you never to use the mirror pool again. I blocked it up for a reason."

Pinkie smiled awkwardly while rubbing the back of her head with one hoof. "Hehe, I guess I remember you saying something about that..."

Twilight sighed before rubbing the bridge of her snout with one hoof as though this whole situation was extremely frustrating. "Which one of you is the real Halo man? I need to get rid of the clones before they start causing problems." She lowered her head slightly as her horn lit up with a purple magical aura.

I, along with all my clones, instantly pulled out our plasma pistols, aiming them at the threatening pony. "You watch where you point that thing. Pinkie told me all about how you destroyed all her clones with magical lasers."

Twilight's eyes instantly widened and she pulled her head back at seeing me draw my weapon. She saw what it did to the blue unicorn when she tried to cast a spell, and she clearly wanted none of that. "B-but, we have to get rid of the clones. We can't keep them here," she tried to explain.

Unfortunately for her, I wasn't too excited about getting rid of my new friends. Not before we had a party and maybe went on an adventure or two. "Now listen here miss purple pone. You and your princesses wanted me here to protect you if something happened, and now you have an army of me. I don't see how this is a bad thing. And if you ever point that glowey horn at me or my clones again I'll EMP the shit outa you."

She bit her lip and stepped back a bit without a rebuttal. Clearly I had won this argument. It's really no surprise, I am the main character super smart.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have a party to get to." I turned to my pink companion, noticing that she seemed pretty put off that she upset Twilight. "Isn't that right, Pinkie?"

She perked up at that, getting back to her excited self nearly instantly at the prospect of throwing me, the amazing halo man, and all my clones a super swank party. Maybe some of the ponies would even show up. Then we could have so much fun! "Yeppie deppie!" She called out as she ran off to some unknown location.

Turning back to my halo armada, I gestured in the direction Pinkie Pie had disappeared in. "Onward to party town!" Little do they know, this is Ponyville, not party town at all. Ha ha, I'm such a legendary trole.

"Humps!" They all shouted back in unison before we headed off in a mob. Meanwhile, the crowd of ponies watched from the sidelines with mouths hanging open as they observed yet another weird, magic-related disaster unfolding before their very eyes. Even with their childish and ignorant brains, they could still sense the feeling of impending doom that hung in the air as my halo clones and I went forth to party.

Comments

[Chuckward]

Glorious.

[Mistershield]

No author's note? Darn, I was looking for more words of wisdom. I shall now favorite without a thumbs up.

[Good Christian Ethesto]

2670233
But I'm a thumb-up whore
Without likes, life is meaningless!

[Mistershield]

2670241
Fine. Up vote without the favorite

[Good Christian Ethesto]

2670249
It's okay, all I need is likes so when people see my amazing like/dislike ratio they'll know once and for all that I am the greatest author to have ever graced fimfiction.
Muahahaha

[Stoneificaunt]

HUMPS. HUMPS, HUMPS, HUMPS, HUMPHREY.........

[Good Christian Ethesto]

2670353
all the humps you can eat!

[Good Christian Ethesto]

2671519
It's only a matter of time. Nothing can possibly stop that many halos!

[Zarose]

Holy mother of god. The end of equestria is born. Fear unto those who are not one with the way of the hump.

[BurninSoul]

please dont rape the poor ponies!!!

[Dartagnen]

My rofl army goes SOISOISOISOISOISOI! Love the chapter, keep it up.

[Good Christian Ethesto]

3000872
I really aught to get back to typing this at some point :P