Chapter 1 - Twilight's First Murder?
Magic and Moonlight
AutumnRose
Ch.1, Twilight's First Murder?
Twilight tossed and turned in her bed. The violet unicorn had an unbearable headache and her muscles were very sore. She turned onto her side, which felt comfortable for a moment before a small throbbing sensation in her ear began to bother her. She decided to try sleeping on her back, for the twenty third time tonight.
Something was definitely wrong.
She looked at the clock on her nightstand.
1:30 AM
Twilight couldn't understand why she hadn't been able to get a good night's rest in over a week and it was REALLY getting to her. Twilight tried to repeatedly identify something, anything, that would have so much precedence in her life that it would interfere with her normal sleep patterns. Well... nothing stuck out as particularly stressful or extraordinary.
At least by Ponyville standards...
She giggled at her own joke. Silently muttering an, “Oh, Twilight...” to nopony in particular. In all seriousness she was starting to get rather worried. After all, how could she study when at this point she had trouble even seeing properly. No, that wouldn't do at all. Twilight pondered for a bit and thought to herself-
Well there is something I haven't taken care of in a while...
Twilight was pretty content with that idea, but unfortunately she decided it was out of the question as Spike was sleeping only about 2 meters away. The disappointed unicorn loudly groaned in irritation. Twilight squeezed her eyes shut and audibly spoke in a frustrated tone, “ Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep ,SLEEP!”
“I'm trying to, but you keep waking me up!” grumbled a very aggravated Spike.
Twilight sighed deeply and turned to face her number one assistant. As she rolled over she felt as if almost all of her energy reserves went into just making that one movement.
“I'm sorry... ummm... Spike. It's just that these sleepless nights are really taking their toll.”
To this she only got a muffled
“Whatever”
Twilight Sighed. She found it more and more difficult to remember names by the day. This had to end now. Maybe some fresh air would help?
….......................
“I'll be back in... ten minutes okay? ... I just need to clear my head a bit.” This was a lie. Twilight knew the probability of this working was next to zero and she didn't really have any thoughts on her mind.
“Alright, but I'm leaving the library door unlocked. I'm not getting up again.” Spike yawned as he shut the door. The purple dragon slowly made his way back upstairs. Finally some rest! Twilight's constant tossing and turning had kept him up all of those nights as well, but he was fortunate enough to be able to sleep during the day.
Twilight was a bit worried about the door being unlocked, somepony might want to come in and steal all the books! She imagined them, a mob of angry bloodthirsty hooligans, shoving row after row of books in sacs. Oh! And what if Spike tried to stop them! Who knows what the wretched creatures would do to him! And all to get at her favorite books! Who would do that anyway! What kind of heartless monsters would kill for books! Why, she ought to teach them a lesson. Nopony messes with her books and gets away with it!
A breeze of cold night air snapped the violet unicorn back into reality. Twilight had been standing in front of her home for about twenty minutes making faces of varying degrees of fear and anger while stomping her hooves on the ground. The unicorn reasoned that in her state she wouldn't be able to fight anypony off anyway. So, worries aside, the cold mare walked alone through the empty streets of Ponyville.
….........................
Twilight shivered as she walked throughout the night. What was supposed to be a quick ten minute walk was more like a grueling 3 hour workout. Twilight, though, hadn't noticed as her mind had finally settled and she began to do what she did best, think.
All of this started a week ago... what happened a week ago... nothing in particular... except... no that couldn’t be it... the sun will be up soon. Princess... Celestia... she's such a nice pony... I love her... tomorrow... I'll send her a letter... with a flower in it... she'll like that... I'm such a terrible student...
The violet unicorn's mind began to cloud again. Every time she thought she might finally have the answers she desperately craved, she got this strange feeling and her mind muddled up again. Why couldn't she concentrate! Twilight soon came to a small stone bridge. She walked onto its cobblestone like surface. Every hoofstep she took echoed off in the distance. About halfway she leaned over the edge. She noticed how calming the quiet sounds of the sloshing river current were. Twilight closed her eyes... and opened them again. Nope that didn't work.
Twilight reasoned that Spike would be worried if he woke up and she wasn't there, as the walk home would take a very long time and he was likely to be up and about doing his morning chores.
As she turned around, something blue caught her eyes. The object lay half buried in the mud of the riverbed. The unicorn's curiosity got the better of her and she crossed over to the other side of the bridge to investigate.
Twilight trotted up to this object. What ever it was, it sure was oddly shaped. Gosh, if only it were a bit brighter out. The unicorn paused for a bit. She grunted softly as she tried to summon enough magic to make a small light. Luckily it took little effort. Twilight smiled at her small accomplishment.
"Ok, now to see wha... w-wha... WHAT THE!” Twilight screamed as she realized what she was looking at.
Trixie's frail lifeless body was filthy and half covered in mud. She was soaking wet and had gashes of varying intensity covering her body. The worst of them were around her throat. Twilight slowly extended a hoof out and desperately hoped that Trixie would wake up.
“T-Trixie! TRIXIE!” Twilight could feel her stomach churning. She turned away and heaved into the nearby river.
Oh Trixie!, who could have done this to you! If only I had gone after you that night! You might still be...
Twilight glanced over to Trixie's body. No, it couldn't be. She couldn't be dead. Twilight concentrated and watched for breathing. She couldn't make out any movement in the blue mares chest. Twilight quickly levitated Trixie's body onto her back and concentrated really REALLY hard on getting to the library.
….......................
In a brilliant flash of light, they were there. Twilight was exhausted. The blue unicorn tumbled from Twilight's back and landed on the floor with a loud sickening squish. The violet unicorn cringed at the sound and quickly scooped Trixie into her hooves... Cradling the blue unicorn like an infant, Twilight squeezed the lifeless body while pressing her own cheek against Trixie's cold, wet forehead.
“I'm so sorry,” whispered Twilight, “I never knew this would happen to you Trixie... I... you deserved better...”
Tears streamed down Twilight's cheeks and mixed with the stains that Trixie's blood had left on Twilight's own fur. She sniffled loudly as she stroked Trixie's mane.
“It's ok, It's ok, nopony can hurt you...n-now... ever a-again..” Twilight suppressed a scream of pure agony as she rocked back and forth, “I'll never let anypony hurt you... I promise."
Twilight barely heard the pitter patter of a pair of tiny feet descending the staircase. Spike rubbed his eyes as he looked up half-asleep. He slowly backed up against the wall of the tree, He couldn't understand what he was seeing, but it scared him.
“Twilight...”
“She's dead Spike! Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead,dead, dead, dead-DEAD!”
Spike walked up to Twilight very cautiously. “H-HOW!?!” This was the best and only way Spike could muster the coherent thought necessary to describe the thousands of questions piercing his tiny brain all at once.
“I d-don't know, I-I just found her washed up along the river!” Twilight began to vent her guilt with loud melancholy screams of pure unfettered pain. “I did this, it's my fault, I'm a murderer Spike, a murderer!”
This display only got Spike so worked up he began to panic.
“I'm gonna send a letter to The Princess right now!” Spike ran towards the libraries storeroom, where he kept the royal parchment.
Twilight hadn't heard this over the sounds of her own lamentation. She carried Trixie upstairs and gently placed the body in her own bed, on it's back. She's so cold. “Why did this happen to you,” Twilight looked away for a moment, then turned back,”It's my fault, I could have helped you...but instead I let my stupid arrogance get in the way!”
The violet unicorn dropped to the floor and covered her face with her hooves. She began to sob again but soon realized that there were legal matters to attend to. She couldn't just let Trixie rot there. Twilight felt another heave work its way up her throat at the thought of it. And so the unicorn left the bedroom in order to find a book that would help her with this whole ordeal.
….....................
Trixie groaned and slowly opened her eyes. She wasn't outside anymore. She was indoors. She felt a wave of happiness flow through her aching body as she snuggled into a pillow.
Wait.
Why was she in a bed?
What happened...
Trixie tried her best to remember the last few hours, to no avail. It only succeeded is giving her a worse headache than she already had. Reluctantly, the blue unicorn slowly sat up. Her frail body shivering as she looked around. Her aching muscles screaming in protest.
I'm in somepony's bedroom?
Trixie looked down at her body. She noticed all of the deep gashes, and the mud that had caked on her fur. But, what was particularly strange to her was the provocative position in which she was lying on the bed.
Oh Celestia, please tell me that nopony did anything to me!
The frail mare laid down once again and turned over on her side. She looked out the huge window on the back wall. The stars were beautiful tonight. But suddenly the creaking of the bedroom door caught Trixie's attention. Her little pony heart was beating faster than she ever thought possible for a little pony heart to beat without rupturing. She breathed in loud obnoxious gasps out of fear. She could feel the unnamed stallion staring at her back. It sent shivers up and down her spine. Trixie gulped as the hoofsteps drew closer but she dared not look. She curled up even more. What could this monster want? Money? No, she didn't have any. Replaying an earlier thought, Trixie cringed.
Trixie lifted her tail slightly and stuttered out, “J-Just d-do whatever your going t-to d-do to Trixie and p-please l-let Trixie go!” Her body shook with fear as she began sobbing quietly. A pair of violet hooves turned her over onto her back. Trixie shut her eyes tightly as she felt the warmth of a soft belly make contact with hers. “Please be gentle...”
“You're alive!”
Trixie opened her eyes and saw only the beaming face of a violet mare who was now frantically singing, “You're alive, you're alive, you're alive, you're alive! I though I killed you, but you're ALIVE!”
Trixie felt a rush of relief, then confusion, but that lasted only for a second as she realized who this purple unicorn was. In fact she began to feel angry.
“Oh, It's you.”
“You're alive! Oh thank Celestia! Your alive, I was so scared, I thought I'd lost you!”
Twilight pressed her face up to Trixie's and was now crying tears of joy while stroking her mane. All feelings of anger dissipated with this tender embrace. Trixie couldn't for the life of her understand why this unicorn was crying so hard. Or why this violet mare even cared enough to rescue her. But it didn’t matter to her, her cheeks turning a deep shade of red.
Though, to be honest, Trixie had thought of Twilight. Trixie had relived that night for over a week now. It haunted her. And so did the face of the beautiful violet unicorn standing in the cool glow of the moon, Twilight.
Trixie had assumed that Twilight would never ever want to speak to her again. Much to her dismay. But Twilight was much more than a pretty face to Trixie, to her Twilight represented to Trixie what she had always wanted, but was never able to attain. Power, friendship, fame, love...
And now they were in bed together.
Trixie gasped in pain as Twilight nuzzled one of the open gashes on her throat. “OH MY GOSH! I'm soooooooooo sorry Trixie, I forg-” A shivering blue hoof graced Twilight's lips.
“Don't be sorry Twilight, Trixie should be the one apologizing for what she's done.” Trixie shed a tear.
Turning away from Twilight, Trixie continued. “Sometimes you don't see good things that come into your life because you just want to desperately believe that-”
“Trixie if it wasn't for me you would have never gotten hurt! You would have stayed safe, I almost killed you, I'm the one to bla- “ This time Twilight was interrupted by a pair of soft lips, pressed up against her own.
I'm sorry Twilight, but I may never get another chance.
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It should be "You're alive". Yes, I am a total Grammar Nazi.
Interesting idea, i hope to see more soon
a promising first chapter, I can not exactly judge technique but you wrote it in a way that kept my attention the entire time, so you must´ve done something right.
I´ll keep an eye out for this one.
By the way i´m pretty sure Seth from EQD will love it.
Pretty cool stuff, but some parts caught my attention. I really like the plot, it's well written, and there's no real problems there. You may want to spend some more time formatting your story, and proof-reading it though. Some passages to look over:
“YourAliveYourAliveYourAliveYourAlive! I though I killed you, but your ALIVE!”
Firstly, what you mean to write is "You're alive", comma, space, and repeat but without the capital. Secondly, "though" should be "thought". Thirdly, "ALIVE" should be uncapitalized, but placed in italics. The same goes for all the other ALLCAPS moments here.
I'm sorry Twilight but I may never get another chance.
A comma after "Twilight" would be pretty nice. Also, I noticed that some paragraphs are indented, and some aren't. To add consistency, you'd either want to not indent any paragraphs, or indent all of them. It's better just to indent every paragraph, including any dialogue.
“YOUR ALIVE!!!!!”
I think, "You're alive!" would be more appropriate. Again with the whole ALLCAPS issue. Also, we don't need to see five exclamation marks, just one is enough.
Sorry to sound so grammar nazi-ish, but it's for you to improve on. Hope my advice helps, don't take it as any sort of discouragement. Anyway, have fun writing the next few chapters.
Good start
Trixie was unconscious for quite a while and nearly dead, but when she wakes up it is described as if she just took a little nap and woke up someplace strange. There is a big difference between the two! Try to stay a bit more realistic, that would help a lot. And I definitely agree with Railrugs, if I see the same grammatical error (you're alive) 8 times in just a few paragraphs, it distracts from the story. Maybe it would help if you press ctrl+f and search for "your" and have a good look at every single use of it. Takes a bit of time, but might be worth it.
Otherwise, your start is interesting, but I hope you're going to bring in some new ideas, it's slowly getting hard to make Twixie story Nr. 100 original :) The dialog between Spike and Twilight was nicely done btw.
i like where this is going.
Loved it. Tracking, of course.
TrixieXTwilight is one of my favorite shipping pairs. Right behind VinylXOctavia & DiscordXCelestia
117333
I'll fix it right away!
p.s - THANK YOU!
117395
I think I really need a pre-reader...
Thanks for helping out though, I'm gonna be going back for another round of edits now
Hmm, not too bad here. A... tad rushed there with Trixie kissing her at the end, but I am a sucker for Twixie.
Well, you've piqued my interest. Let's see where this goes. *tracks*
Holy fuck!
Starting a fic with a ressurection? Tracking.
When I'm brought to the last word of a chapter without even noticing and I'm craving for more, I can't say anything but I DEMAND MOAR!!
Omigoshomigoshomigoshomigoooosh! I'm loving this. Trackingtrackingtracking. And if being your pre-reader means I get to read this first, then count me in.
I think I'm gonna cry now...that was so adorable and touching! I can't wait for more! There's still errors around, with capitalized words that don't need to be capitalized, words that have way too many spaces between them, some awkward sentences, and a few more other things. But nothing so astronomically glaring that I'm gonna yell at you for it. The end did seem SLIGHTLY rushed, but I'm guessing you'll (hopefully) explain later on why Trixie did that. I'm tracking this; I'm a sucker for Twilight x Trixie stories.
Good job. I like the premise of the story, and I'll just say that I agree with every other person who commented so I don't waste your life. But seeing as I just did by writing this comment I'll leave five stars as compensation. Oh yeah, five stars for the story too.
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
118523 Don't worry about it, I really appreciate the feedback!
and eat my 5 stars while your at it you crook
Why did this make me grin madly and tear up?
Because ponies and twixie being best fandom pairing.
Minor grammar errors aside, this was very well written for your first try. The ending did seem a little rushed to me, but I'm gonna let it pass and maybe hope for some explanation in later chapters. 4.5/5 and tracked
My first Twixie read, because I've always held burning contempt for Trixie. Even if Twilight is 2nd best pony, I thought this ship was over done and silly. I'm not even sure why I picked this one to read (besides it being featured...)
That was me being a biased jerk, and I knew that but didn't care. This was awesome though, I think I'm gonna go find some more Twixie, you've..... hmmm, "converted" me, I guess.
My only critique is..... hmmm, I can't find anything that isn't being a grammar Nazi or hasn't already been mentioned.... I've been like that on all my tracked stories lately, strange
. It'd be a good idea to find a proofreader, like you seem to be planning, and I think that if you want to have this as a long term story it'd be a good idea for you to brainstorm where to take the story after Trixie gets better and they get into a relationship. For all I know you have other ideas already, but I'm just suggesting that because I don't want to see this end after only 3-4 chapters. Watching relationships is nice and all, but you need to have something outside their romance in the real world happening to keep things moving along in the story and to have the characters bond. That's 'in the future' things to consider though. For right now, let me congratulate you and say I think you did an excellent job on this intro. The plot is good, it was well written, and the characterization had no obvious flaws I could find (I'm a characterization Nazi, not a grammar one 
). Brace yourself, because I'll annoy you to no end posting comments like this on every chapter, with critiques and the like! 
Great start with this, AutumnRose
! I'm curious what was keeping Twilight awake though. I guess she was subconsciously worried about Trixie or something 
? Anyway, I'm actually may track this (that sounds mean, but remember I said I hated Twixie shipping 15 minutes ago), so take my thanks for putting in time to create this story. Make sure to stay awesome! 
Geez, posted this 7 hours later than I typed it because of internet failure. I don't even know why that matters to you guys but ummm..... now you know!
you sell yourself short, this is decent narrative, will be waiting for more updates, I always love twixie shipping.
>>Shade Thanks for the compliment, I'll do my best!
>>Dash Is Best Pony I totally appreciate constructive criticism! I'm currently at work on chapter 2 and am finding that these comments really help identify areas I need to improve on.
>>Steel Resolve I try my best.
Thanks for the compliment. I really appreciate it!
but I have learned a lot about what I have to work on improving.
To badly mangle and reword Cereal Velocity http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/02/pony-writing-guide.html
You should write as if this is the greatest story ever written, and edit as if the story before you is the most worthless thing to ever come before your bitter hate-filled eyes.
I really enjoy the mysterious air around what Twilight did. I'm looking forward to seeing how you develop that. I'm not a big fan of shipping, but I'm going to track this because it looks like its going to be an awesome and entertaining read! Keep up the hard work, I look forward to more!
117635 Hark? Did somepony call for a... *Sunglasses* PRE-READER? YAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW *Insert awesome music*
I MIGHT be able to be persuaded... I should probably read the story, first of all, before I offer though... XD
119369 I would be sooooooo grateful for it, should you decide to do so.
I'm just not very 'talented' in the literary department.
119382 I... *Indecisive noises*
*Ten minutes later* * Jeopardy music*
I... Can't commit atm, I'm sorry! I pre-read for a LOT of ponies right now, so I need to see if I have the time or not! I'll be able to give you a final answer in a little bit, after pre-reading a chapter. (That helps me think, for some reason)
Still, the story looks pretty good. I like how the guilt may or may not be the only reason for Twi's feelings, so this should be VERY interesting!
~ Moonstone, Minstrel of Equestria
p.s. I promise to let you know ASAP. I'm poor at organization, and I forgot to pre-read for somepony else, so I need to take care of them before I make a promise I won't be able to keep.
119382
Don't sell yourself short AutumnRose. You're a rather talented writer! You can describe a scene and situation and i am able to picture it in my mind. That's pretty tough to do and you pulled it off consistently through this story.
On the subject of needing a prereader, I am working on a story right now, but ill be more than happy to help you out and preread for grammer and such. I also have access to a couple of people who edit my story as well and I'm sure they would be more than happy to assist as well! Let me know if you want the help :)
"Twilight had been standing in front of her home for about twenty minutes making faces of varying degrees of fear and anger"
Jup, I remember doing that a lot when thinking about things during longer tram-rides.
Usually hard to read but tended to arrive me at my destination in a completely off state-of-mind.
Go outsource your mistyping (as in, jup take a pre-reader). Since you seem to be eager to not make the same mistakes again (as in: listening to people telling you how to improve) you'll inevitably get better. What one is either talented in or not is storytelling.
) somewhere else is always a nice reminder why it's no waste reading what different writers make of basically the same start. 
And I go with 119450 on this one as I say you're doing a great job. *traked*
It's always so nice to see different approaches and reactions in similar situations.
I'm also keeping track of other Twi/GnPT-stories. And the contrast from a kiss at the first (awake) meeting here to a hoof in the snout (ouch.
That having said, keep the chapters coming! I'm intrigued to see how this plays along.
5 / 5 so far
hmmmm.... not bad, not bad. I'll check up on this later to see how it goes.
...Kinda fast, but nice. Do continue.
This one actually caught my attention... I even took a break from my own story to read it. Cant wait for chapter two.
117700
Honestly, reading through this as an avid Twixie fan, I was depressed. Not because of the story. The story has a lot of potential. However, you have inconsistent formatting, massive punctuation errors, copious amounts of awkward sentences, and don't get me started on the sloppiness of it. I normally don't post on stories like this, but you have a lot of potential that I see. Since you said you want to get better, and I honestly hope you mean it. Then I suggest taking this to Ponychan's /fic/ board. (www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/) They are one of the few places where you will get a truly informed and honest opinion.
haha awesome ending!
119428 Don't worry about it, I wouldn't want to burden you.
119450 Thank you! ummm... If it wouldn't be bothersome to you. I'll let you know when chapter 2 is done.
119702 I try not to let my shortcomings keep me down. Thanks for the support!
Bit fast... But still great!
120956
No trouble at all! I'm more than happy to help out a fellow writer! I'll shoot you a PM with my email so we can streamline the process
120507 Thank you for the suggestion. I'm also sorry I disappointed you. I'll get to it soon and hopefully restructure chapter 1 and make it more enjoyable.
sincerest apologies
I really like it so far, it seems a tad rushed. But then again, I've been told that mine are as well, so I'm not really one to judge.
great story, i cant wait to see where this is going :D
I hope that you'll continue this. It's a good read.