Premise: After getting into an argument with the original Writer of this Fanfiction, Dakari King Mykan, I have took it upon myself to rewrite his entire first season of his fanfiction My Little Unicorn. There will be A LOT of changes, as this is going to attempt to fix everything that was wrong with the first fanfiction. These characters, which in essence, will be reborn and hopefully be a whole lot more believable than the abominations that the horrible author wrote about. I do not know if my sanity will hold as I slog through this whole thing in an attempt to fix this mess. If I do not make it, please do not hold it against me. This is only a response to the slight of Literature that was the original Fanfiction.
(Now that's over, time for the Synopsis!)
Synopsis: Prepare to enter a world that steps out of the Norm. Ponies, who are able to walk upright like human beings defend themselves from evil beings that wish to destroy their home. As the constant threats of their world increase Grand Ruler Celesto, the ruler of the Planet Nation Unicornicopia, guides his trusted student Lightning Dawn throughout the battles against the Evil Sorcerer Titan and his minions. But Lightning Dawn is not on his own he forms unbreakable bonds with other unicorns, and is guided by a mysterious magical entity known as the Uniforce. But will that alone be enough to help Lightning and his friends save Unicornicopia and the other Planets that Titan hopes to take over? Or will Titan emerge victorious with the entire Equine Universe under his sway? You'll have to read on to find out!
Masochist.
I can understand the impulse to 'do it right' when it comes to inspiration to write fanfiction; it's largely why I'm writing Equestria Trek. That said, I wouldn't try and, well, polish a turd. Even if Mythbusters proved that you could take fecal matter and polish it to high gloss, (and I believe the metaphor holds true for writing) I get more enjoyment out of writing my own story, with my own characters.
Still, if you can pull this off, I salute you.
Also, 20k words is on the high side for comfortable sitting, IMO; I'd chop that chapter in half, or into 3 or 4 segments.
Edit: Also, your description fails to tell me anything about the story's content, only speaking as to its history.
So, what you're description tells me is you're basically taking it upon yourself to take this guy's story (without his consent, I might add), which has never been posted here (ergo, hardly anyone here will care or even know about it) and make it 'better'.
What the fuck?
Seriously, did the fic piss you off so much that you couldn't sleep at night until you'd done something about it? Or was it your own lack of creativity or originality that lead to this?
Anyway, I haven't read the original, so I can't comment on any improvement, however formatting and the like is okay. Seriously though, a 20,000 word chapter? Come on, you're allowed to have more than one you know.
Oh, by the way, no one gives a crap about the story's 'history' in the description. They want a synopsis, not a damn history lesson. Many people probably have never read the original version of this anyway, especially if it's as bad as you say it is.
Well, I'm done.
reverseshot.com/files/images/issue21/two_cents_0.jpg
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I can't speak to the author's permission for this remake, but this stuff has been posted here before. Again, by someone not the original author.
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Yea, I know I'm a masochist. And while I know that I don't have his permission to essentially, "turn shit into gold," This felt like something that I had to get done. It's a stupid thing really, but when I come on down to it This was really bad.
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Actually I didn't lose sleep over this thing, I just felt that it really needed changed. Here is the link to the original story that was posted here by someone else if you need something to compare. And yeah, I know that the chapter is huge but that's the way I write things out. I can't exactly call a chapter done unless there's a level of detail that I'm actually comfortable with.(You should see my Silent Hill Story, it's over 60,000 with just 2 chapters.) And I knew that there was something left out, thanks for pointing that out and letting me know ti change something. I appreciate your two cents.
I'd split it into three chapters. Intro, the prophecy and journey, and the city and it's little stories. It's a decent middle point as far as quality but it's almost completely alien to the MLP series. It seems to just barely get by on a technicality. I would also like to see a bit better character building for the other characters and a few less obvious "plot twists". The budding interest between moonbeam and Lightening felt like too much, too fast. You should also really consider doing some side character building ASAP and get a prereader that's willing to look the story over and tell you when you screw something up.
I will admit one thing though. It's far more stomach-able than the literary train wreck that this was spawned from. You salvaged some scrap heap and made a station wagon. Impressive by comparison but not much to brag about on the race track, so to speak.
Story opinions aside, this whole thing seems like a dick move in response to another dick move. The original was abrasive and horrible, and this one is abrasive and mediocre. Maybe I should try and gather up a team of people to make the next one abrasive and interesting.
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Well in essence, you got it right. And thanks for the comments about how things needed to change as I can and most likely will change them when I get a free moment. (I was up til 2 in the morning trying to finish this stuff up, that's why I think their relationship is weak at least but it could be something different.) And to be honest, I have to ask. What do you mean by, "Obvious Plot Twists?" Unless of course you're talking about the whole how the main cast is named after their talent and the dark and evil monster escapes after being mentioned, then yeah I can work on that. The only thing is that I personally am really hard to work with, I can't really explain things to other people all that well when it comes to fan related stuff like this and get agitated by no fault other than my own(I'm working on it though), and this is one thing that I have planned to work on later. Thanks for the input though, I really like it!
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You've never heard of this story before? For shame! My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing is perhaps one of the most infamous fics this fandom has produced.
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Thanks to your inputs, I have updated the first chapter. I hope that it's a little better than the first.
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To be honest, and I don't know why I didn't just put this up there in the first place, but this is the sole reason why I started this trek to sh*t town in the first place. I don't guess that It will help, but I should have mentioned this before.
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Good to see that you took my advice, and added a synopsis to the description... However, it still needs work. So thank you for giving me an opportunity to put these thoughts that have been swirling around my mind for months into words.
For the description, it all comes down to maximizing the Return on Investment Ratio, and reducing risk of sunk costs. What's being invested? The Readers' time, attention span, and interest. This oh so scarce reader interest is measured in clicks. Each click means the reader must interact to find out more, and must wait for the server to reply with more. If a reader doesn't become interested enough by what they see on the front page to click to the story page, you've lost that reader, as they go looking for a more promising story. If what they see on the story page doesn't make them want to click the first chapter, you've lost that reader, as they go looking for a more promising story. There are a LOT of stories on this website, so you want to make sure you stand out against them.
From front page to first chapter can be as many as three clicks of interest. Consider that each click is worth thousands of dollars, and when you write your description, do so like a miser. Put your best hook FIRST so that the site shows it on the front page, and that it is shown first on the story page.
Okay, so you've put your synopsis, talking about what's in the story, before the premise, the story about the story, so what's next? Well, in addition to "Clicks," reader interest is measured in TIME. And each word written will take time to read. This means that any word that doesn't build reader interest lowers that all-important Return On Investment Ratio. This is where that risk I mentioned comes in, as readers will glance to see the size of the wall of text, and decide if they want to continue reading or not before they read that wall. So carefully look at your description, and be ruthless in cutting out anything that isn't immediately interesting, or isn't needed before the reader starts the first chapter.
Okay, you've cut the description down to the synopsis, with maybe 75-100 characters of disclaimers, and the premise banished to author's notes at the end of a chapter somewhere. You still need to get the reader to click the first chapter... and we come back to risk management.
People, by and large, are more willing to take small risks than large ones, no matter the odds. People play the lottery, risking only a dollar, much more easily than they play the SPECIAL lottery I just invented for this example, where they risk $100 for the same odds and prizes as the first lottery...
Which brings me to your first chapter's frankly STAGGERING word count of nearly 21,000 words! Readers will assume that they need to read the WHOLE of the first chapter, no matter how long it is, to get a good enough idea of the story to decide if they want to add the story to their favorites list. So cut that monster up into more easily digestible chunks, 'cuz readers aren't going to want to bite off more than they can chew.
Anyway, thanks again for giving me an excuse to write all this down.
Skimming this so far and as a guy who has read the original...msted of course. I have to say...This is somewhat interesting to me. It is actually a dimension this time, the grand Ruler doesnt feel like "Celestia, but with a wang and more power than a frakkin tank", and Discord is honored. I also like how this story is giving Grand Ruler a GOOD backstory than the typical " I was ostrastized by my peers and hated and the only girl that loved me was seperated WAHHHHHH!" Story that you would find in only the lowiest of Naruto fanfics. I also found Lighting to be...good in this fic as well. His character was actually intriguing and had something of a personality for me to enjoy. The way he was interacting was almost, Link-like. With his character working through his emotions and friends. He didnt feel like "Twily, but with a wang and more power than frakkin Celestia" like his original counterpart. I am curious to this thing and will give it a good read later.
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I am glad that you like the rewrite so far as opposed to the original.(Insert Name of Religious Deity pony or Otherwise here save the person that likes the original) I'm going to start episode 3 sometime later, but episode two left me really drained. I'm hoping to get the next episode done before the end of the year, so look forward to it.
Ottava Rima- I have learned a new word today!!!
But seriously, now that I have actually read this chapter...It was good! Surprisenly really good, granted it is no where near the awesomeness of a lot of my other faves, but this is geniunly really good!
Lets start off with the premise, it feels like a mix of a good Shonen magna plus a really good sentai episode or a rider series.
Second, I found myself liking lightning and the others more here. They had charcter, depth, and more interest. Espically in Starla Shine-Moonshine. I also liked the changed names; though, I was expecting one thing. Considering your hate on Rhymey I was expecting him to become evil or a monster, but no...he is just an insane poet that makes me love him.
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Oh the originals are going to show up all right. Don't worry about that. HOWEVER, I have nice lovely death scenes planned out for each and every one of them. I think that Ottavo's counterpart's death scene is going to be the most epic of them all, especially since he's going to call him out on all of the cheating and it's going to drive him utterly MAD.
And I'm glad that you think that it's going to be a Sentai-esque series because in essence, that's what I'm turning it into. Well not exactly turning it into one, it already was a Sentai Series although an extremely bad one but i digress I am actually glad you enjoyed the first part about this re-write. And there is going to be an Extra Ranger who will wrap up this team and make it awesome, but there's not going to be any spoilers. You'll just have to wait and see what happens. And Currently Ottavo is one of my favorites, though he's going to be a bitch to write for later on because I am really (and I mean REALLY) Bad at poetry. He's modeled a little bit after a certain canon pegasus with a lot of energy who's extremely Loyal to her friends... her name escapes me though...
Moonbeam is actually modeled after one of my favorite characters from Cardfight Vanguard, with regards to her initial personality as the character that I modeled her after is really strong in her own rights but has an extremely tragic backstory behind her. (No spoilers if you haven't seen it yet.)
I am extremely glad that you've enjoyed this and hope that as I continue the series, I'll receive more feedback like yours and like everyone else before yours. I'm grateful for the favorite, and hope that this story will continue to entertain even after it's end. And after all, isn't that what all(Mykan apparently doesn't count) writers truly strive for?
Oh, what a time to have an overwhelming morbid curiosity...
Incidentally, I have in fact read the original (and when I say "original", I mean ORIGINAL. Like, the first incarnation of the story before Mykan got butthurt and deleted it without all that "starfleet" crap and the overwhelming message that magic stems from belief, rather than friendship. Bleh.) in its entirety, as I was part of the team that gave it its MST3K treatment, so it was a requirement. As one who has always harbored a desire to impale all of Mykan's characters with a dinner fork, I am legitimately curious to see how, if at all, said characters could actually gain a third dimension. Fingers crossed, I guess. I'll put this on my read later.
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Well I just hope that I don't disappoint anyone of the original riffers. Or anyone for that matter. Except Mykan, I could care less for the whiny little prick.
A remake of that monstrosity?
As a member of the team that tore into the original fic MST-style, I am seriously fascinated.
*raises glass* Here's to your momentous venture. I will pray for you.
I'm making a little play-by-play here as I read the first chapter to gauge my initial reactions. Stuff I feel like noting will be bulleted.
. By Odin's shaggy beard, BACKGROUND. This is already an improvement. Establishing the universe and its mythos, with some obvious nods to the standard pony stuff.
. Now here's something I like: GR's magic macguffin powers stem from about the same concept, but it's presented in a much better way. Rather than the simple act of believing, his power comes from HOPE. It's kind of the same thing, but a much better concept. It's a tad cliche, sure, but it's still an improvement.
. I never thought I could actually appreciate Lightning Dawn as a character. Rather than some OP daddy's boy that's been living with GR, he's just some schmuck doing odd jobs to get by who knows exactly jack shit about GR other than what everyone knows. I like schmucks; they make good protagonists.
. This is new. Multiple species all living together, rather than some semi-Alicorn master race crap. Goblins, even. That's a pleasant surprise. Kinda brings into question as to why the place is still called Unicornicopia (ugh, I still hate that name), but I'll let that slide.
. You're doing a good job building the world here. Unicornicopia isn't just some utopia where everyone gets along, no questions asked. There's crooks, hoodlums, wars! In other words, PEOPLE.
. Did I mention how happy I am that Lightning's horn isn't golden? Seriously, unicorn horns are phallic enough. We don't need cock jewlery.
. Work on your punctuation a little. Remember, read your sentences out loud and put a comma wherever you would pause naturally. Use an ellipses if you need to create a beat, and so forth.
. Careful with Lightning's exposition on Krysta; that kinda came out of left field. Poorly timed exposition is really distracting.
. You've forgotten to open or close the quotation marks on some dialogue. Just be careful.
. Oh, thank God, Cutie Marks. None of that barcode crap.
. Good, some much needed exposition on Lightning's family, as well as what happened to his wings. Wasn't expecting that.
. More on the believing stuff. The problem with Mykan's philosophy on this was that it could be summed up with "I believe I'll win, so there." Belief as a basis for magical ability is nothing new in regards to fiction, but it needs more than that, which you have provided. It isn't just the act of believing, it's that which suppliments belief: hope, courage, determination, support from others. It isn't belief without those elements. That's just ignorance.
. Alright, I'll admit that GR's horn still being golden disappoints me a bit, but at least he doesn't have three of them. Out of all of Mykan's ideas to have GR outdo Celestia, that ranks up there as one of the dumbest.
. GR's acting like a bit more of a proper ruler here, rather than some deluded git.
. Unrelated note, if it wasn't for the ponies, I'd swear I was reading the opening script to a Tales game. I mean that in a good way. I love Tales games.
. Golden glow is fine. Long as the horn itself ain't golden, then it's fine.
. Didn't you say GR is like, ten feet tall? Either Lightning has a really big front door, or GR's a pro at limbo.
. Wow. An actual explanation of what the Uniforce is, instead of leaving it as an unexplainable macguffin.
. Alright, so Lightning does become GR's student. But that's fine in this case, because you've given us background, rather than just starting the story off with him already being GR's student (which was just Mykan's attempt to copy MLP. MLP can get away with it because it's MLP and shut up).
. Ooh, I think I like Doric. Desolate, craggy, and volcanic, as opposed to some nebulous pocket dimension. A good home for any villain.
. Looks like Lord Zedd's been loaning out Serpentera again.
. No real problems with the villains. Much better names than those god awful puns.
. And now we move into where the original story more or less started.
. "Drawn Out"? Hmm. Bit of an acquired taste, but it's certainly better than "Artie".
. Ottavo Rima? Hmm, seems like an interesting- WAIT. WAAAAAIIIIT. Is that... Rhymey? Holy fuck. I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but I hate Rhymey. I hate him so much. I hate him with the burning intensity of a thousand suns going supernova. But now? He's an insane stunt-poet? I... actually kinda like this idea. I feel really dirty for liking anything even tangentially related to that guy, but it's the truth. You've made me like Rhymey. Dear God, what is the world coming to?
. Moonbeam? I take it this is Starla. Going the shy route, huh? Eh, whatever works for you. It's fine if you want to ship her and Lightning, just try not to make it too overt.
Aaaand that's it for chapter one. Well, I'd call that an all-around improvement. Characters with a little more substance, names that are a bit more clever and unique, actual BACKGROUND. You're off to a good start. If you decide to keep going, more power to you. Just remember that a mountain of shit needs a little more than a shovel to be removed. (Wow, I did not think that metaphor through...)
I'll get around to reading the other chapters eventually, when I don't have a bunch of other 10,000 word stories to get through.
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Well I'm glad that you enjoyed the Redo of the first chapter, It's something that I'm quite actually proud to say that I've done it. Most of what was lacking in the original story was the where's and whys and I wanted to plug all of that in. HOWEVER, I'm not going to say that its perfect. Hell, I'd even say that it's far from it. I just thought that the story had so much potential that I couldn't let it go without writing it. And I'm actually glad that you enjoy what you've read as I'm glad to have written it.
As to some of those little nitpicks about the first chapter, the Grand Ruler being 10 feet tall and trying to enter Lightning's house, the fact that his horn is still golden, and the fact that Titan's initial ship/base of operations looks like Serpentera were either the case of me either trying to be too imaginative or running on little to no sleep. That being said, There's still a lot that I have to learn about writing and it's why I love writing fanfiction in the first place as it helps me understand what I've done wrong and how to fix it.
Now the other Characters are going to have their own personal backstories like Lightning, (Moonbeam's going to be really sad, and I wasn't exactly trying for the Fluttershy approach I was more thinking of a Cold outside appearance but a compassionate soul on the inside buried deep beneath her past) but I think that Ottavo's taking too much of the Spotlight later on. Something you may even see in the later episode/chapters. Speaking of the devil himself Ottavo was a lot of fun to write as I felt that he would be a lot better situated to being some form of insane author, though Drawn Out is also partially insane too but you'll find out why later, but I wanted to challenge myself with poetry writing because I'm gonna step into some new territory with completing that phase of this character. And No he won't talk in rhymes even when he is, "In the Zone."
I also love the fact that you mentioned how Unicornicopia's name doesn't really make sense when there are other races on the surface of the planet and not just the unicorns there. The idea seems to be a good point for an episode/chapter later on and I want to thank you for giving me the idea.
I'm glad that you of all people(As an amazing riffer, I loved the riff of the original) actually enjoy this beast that I'm working on. And I hope that you continue to enjoy it until the final battle is waged in the last episode/chapter. You have made this brony smile.
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Well, I'm glad I made you smile. That certainly makes me smile (and being called an amazing riffer doesn't hurt either
Also, just to clear up something, when I said "going the shy route" in regards to Moonbeam, I didn't mean a similarity to Flutttershy. I meant just... shy. Like, the character trait. Still a perfectly valid route to go down, though.
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This fandom? No. Mykan's a hater.
I am in the first chapter and I am digging this redo. A LOT. The original caused my brain to shut down, but you just renewed it, good sir! I'd like to see an update as I delve in further!
Oh... my...
Allright, now this is what I'm talking about! That's quite a bit of writing you've got there--I almost got swept away in the deluge that was the first chapter--but I have to say, it's a nice breath of fresh air.
Wow. This saved my life! I really hated the original, and you made it sooooooo much better...
Come on, man. You can't just kill half a colossus and go home. Finish it.
Some people just never learn...
There IS NO Magic is Believing (I fixed up and rewrote that disaster-piece years ago)
Hey, if you don't mind, can i keep the concept going with my own remake of my little unicorn, albeit a far more loose adaption.
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You may want to consider reading the ACTUAL fic (which is NOT Magic is Believing, but a rewritten and revised version of it)
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/373378/my-brave-pony-starfleet-magic-season-1
8180573 How would your respond if i say no?