• Member Since 3rd Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Biker_Dash


The Goal... 200+ mph in the Standing Mile. To Tartarus with academy records, I want to hold a Land Speed Record.


T
Source

When a tornado wrecks devistation through Ponyville, how will Twist survive the loss of her home and family? Will a certain pink Mare be able to help her and be there for her in this time of sorrow?
And how will the rest deal with the losses they have suffered. Can Pinkie help them all? Can she bring happiness to her friends who suffer?

All she knows is she cannot let them remain sad, especially one certain filly she cares about a lot, and has no family left.

Credit for cover art goes to leadhooves on DA. I did not create the art, he did.

Rated Teen for character death and language.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 36 )

Man, right in the feels.

Noticed a few mistakes:

She didn't think much else of it, where as the Ponyville weathercrew was usually pretty good about keeping storms under control.

Get rid of the 'where'

The canary colored Pegasus did not notice.

Agghh! Lavender Unicorn Syndrome! Kill it with fire!

he managesto safely remove the cart from where it was embedded.

Manages to

Her and Pinkie trot up

She

In his arms was Twis

Arms, or forelegs? I don't care myself, but some people get pernickety about it

Amongst them was Scootaloo.

Pretty big mistake here.:trollestia:

They had to sedate Rainbow Dash after she saw the body.

Look up show vs tell–you may want to rewrite this bit to be more showy.

Yeah... this is why I wished I was back on regular net, so that it would be easy to not only find prereaders, but editors as well.

I cannot believe I wrote "arms"... that's something I should know better about :facehoof:

What would be the mistake about Scootachicken dying? Is Princess Molestia gonna pay me a visit for that? (Actually, I would LOVE for that to happen... no, correction... I would LUST for that lol)

Any major edits will probably be after the beginning of the month, because I should be back fully online by then.

Glad that you enjoyed it so far. Will be working on ch 2 soon

The perspective on this is...weird.

Is this supposed to be taking place after the fact, or now or what? Because you seem to be kind of swapping back and forth.

1653016 could you clarify exactly what you mean, with examples please? This way, once I am better able to do so, I can make any and all needed changes to make this a better story. If your able to help, it is ALWAYS appreciated.:twilightsmile:

Hmmm.... Twistfic in and of itself is reason enough to put it on my read later list.

Another filly who is going to suffer tremendously is Twist. She was in the hospital now, and the nurses said she should recover completely.

For instance that. The first sentence suggests something that is going to happen and the next sentence suggests something that has.

You should have either said "Another filly who is going to suffer tremendously is Twist. She is in the hospital now, and the nurses said she should recover completely" or "Another filly who would suffer tremendously is Twist. She was in the hospital now, and the nurses said she should recover completely."

NOT TWIST!
YOU FUCKER
GO DIE
:rainbowkiss:

1653191
Bu what about Scootaloo?!?!?

1653081
Oh, I believe it is spelled Tartarus.

1653081
Oh, I believe it is spelled Tartarus. :rainbowwild:1653279

1653191 there will be a happy ending for Twist, so no worries.

Now, I feel the need for dinner. I'm thinking KFS tonight.

fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2011/174/6/f/kentucky_fried_scootaloo_by_procaballus-d3jsuax.jpg

Pony heaven has a new angel... :scootangel:

...

...

:fluttercry::applecry::raritycry: YOU MONSTER!

I'm a sucker for sad fics, so I'll be watching out for more of this. You're off to a good start... Just be sure to proofread it carefully next time.

1653188 What I was thinking is how she will be suffering when she wakes up. It looks as if you understood my meaning, and have said what it was I was trying to say. Thank you.

1653353 better yet, getting good prereaders and editors would be helpful.

1653341 MMM hoof lickin' good.

1653486

I'd happily volunteer if you wanted. :ajsmug:

1653486
I can't offer Lunar-tic's help, but I might be able to.

Scootaloo...oh my... so sad...

1653743 Why would she try to take shelter in the clubhouse and more importantly wouldn't she have more than likely been pulled into the vortex before she could reach it, I know twisters don't move as fast their winds blow but they can still catch up with you pretty quickly. :trixieshiftright:

Also I'd like some explanation as to how a twister could be created with the pegasi's knowledge or without any sort of advanced warning? :applejackunsure:

1654130 Scoots is real close to the clubhouse when she sees the tornado. There is time to get inside the clubhouse, and, in a panic, a filly would go to someplace familiar seeking safety if such a place is nearby.

As to how a tornado is formed when normally the Pegasi control the weather, it is generally considered within the fandom that weather happens on its own over the Everfree. Also, the weather team may decide to allow a storm to run its course, depending on the situation. In this particular case, the storm ended up being stronger than they expected, and by the time they knew it was tornadic, they had to try to stop something that was already out of control. Had Rainbow Dash been there in Ponyville at the time, instead of a mandatory job meeting, she may have decided to stop, or at least limit its power, before it got so strong.

ERMAHGERD NOOOO!!! :rainbowderp: Not Scootaloo! :ajsleepy: :applecry: :fluttercry: :raritycry: :raritydespair:

This story is a little confusing, you keep switching between present and past tense. For example:

Lemon Tart notices numerous ponies quickly running for shelter. Up in the sky, she can see quite a few Pegasi flying towards the storm. Something did not feel right, and she decided she should check it out.

The past tense form sounds much better.

1655484 thank you for that example. It is something I need for when the time comes when I can work at correcting such errors, and make the story that much better

1655550
This story is really kind've scary and personnal to me considering I live in Oklahoma, the center of TORNADO VALLEY!!
1653500
You need to check out the story, http://www.fimfiction.net/story/62270/Luna%27s-Librarian%2C-Twilight%27s-Moon, by TheLastBrunnanG.
There was a guy who made a comment about how there was no Regidar to be seen on it.

1657244 Done and done! :pinkiecrazy:

This i likes as you know Biker_Dash as you knows maybe i have a soft spot for the writer but your good and keep at it you have talent just rember coffee, food and sleep i have every confidence in you i always have

1658132 and I need to quit running my ass off all the time Hun xxxxx

1658342 lol i know you do how many times do i tell you this hmmmmm xxxxxxx

You're continuing this?? YAYAYAY!! :pinkiehappy:

1950801 I was hoping to have this 2nd chapter posted weeks ago, my my personal muse was being rebellious. I gave her an ultimatum tonight. She either works with me, or she ends up starring as Fluttershy's victim in the next youtube .MOV flick!

Hooray for continuation! :raritywink:

It looks like everypony is suffering... :ajsleepy: Poor ponies... I sense some complications coming regarding Twilight's New job and Pinkie's quest to be a guardian for Twist.

I have to admit, (and sorry if this is getting old) that all this really needs is a good proofreading to catch out spelling and grammatical errors. Are you still typing this up on your phone?

Overall though, good job. I'm guessing we'll be seeing some more One Wing or that Big Mac/Cadence fic next. It's good that you're writing again. :pinkiesmile:

1952286 last night errors was due to total impatience on my part to get it published. And I am no longer doin this on phone.

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